Going to keep this thread now!

I guess we are all f****d up to an extent

You do pick em Freda 😉

I know, SA!

Thing is, I'd only let him in because I'd known him a while and we had a lot of mutual friends. He seemed to be able to control his behaviour around people and I'd seen him being really caring.

I do have a problem with anger when I feel neglected. That a partner won't perform care, when I am in need. I also struggle to be around a lot of anger, ranting and offloading.

I probably shouldn't be in a relationship. I just want love and nurture.

I want to talk a bit about my appointment yesterday.

I was overwhelmed by the way my boyfriend was, with me, last night, so that was all I could communicate.

I had a mental health assessment. The psychiatrist said I likely have "personality traits" possibly a personality disorder. It was a relief to have it acknowledged that there was something more complex going on. It was distressing and exhausting talking about how scared and angry I get when I feel belittled, humiliated, bullied or degraded. I don't feel safe when someone has power over me - like a boss. That I seem to be able to take respectful criticism but when it feels harsh or unfair, I get distressed.

I'm hoping this will help protect me from the benefit system, if an expert has acknowledged that I struggle to regulate my emotions. That I do not have just depression and anxiety. It is more complex.

See, with "just" depression and anxiety, they can make out it is not severe enough for me to be unable to work, as many people with D+A manage to. It's harder to argue that I'm fit for work with more complex emotional problems. That my difficulty in regulating my emotions is exhausting. It really is!

It feels less like it's my fault that I struggle to manage my anger in certain situations.

Am I an a r se hole?

After reading your diary I thought i'd answer first and say no.

Thank you.

I got this from the NHS website, and exactly describes me, except a counsellor recently was able to reassure me that the anger I feel is normal and understandable. For this reason, I don't feel shame anymore but often alienate people with my anger.

• you are particularly emotionally vulnerable – for example, low levels of stress make you feel extremely anxious
• you grew up in an environment where your emotions were dismissed by those around you – for example, a parent may have told you that you had no right to feel sad or you were just "being silly" if you complained of feelings of anxiety or stress
• These two factors may cause you to fall into a vicious cycle – you experience intense and upsetting emotions, yet feel guilty and worthless for having these emotions. Because of your upbringing, you think having these emotions makes you a bad person. These thoughts then lead to further upsetting emotions.

Hi f

Thank you for the support on my diary ☺. I have my cycles and they may carry on for a while but I do indeed bounce back ☺. We talked about it with my counsellor. It was interesting cause I know myself, thinking now if you guys can "sense" me going off one...like change in behaviour before meltdown...i know I feel when it happens, just thought if it's visible for others.

Anyway, how are you? I see you have had few bumpy days yourself. Hope all Is calming down now. Negativity feeds negativity and vice versa that's for sure. Recognising toxic people/relationships is important, at the end of the day - your welbeing matters the most. You gotta be selfish on those Hun..you just gotta look what is best for you.

Hope you're calm and at peace. Thank you for being you...youre cool ☺

Keep looking for that part time job you like...if you look - you will find it!

Hugs,

S&B xx

Weirdly we managed to resolve and reconnect again in a loving way, already. It was as if that traumatic evening was bizarrely healing.

It feels like the very strangest of times, these days.

He shut down not because he was unaffected by my distress but because he thought I was about to break up with him. This made him feel hurt and therefore anger came up in him. So, he just shut down to protect himself. Seeing all of that pain in his eyes, opened my heart even wider.

What a week! I've felt extremely wired and frazzled. Got very anxious in my driving lesson today but coped and am proud of myself.

Still feeling very strung out and frazzled.

I had an urge to buy extra tickets in the shop, for the l otto. I just listened to the message my emotions were giving me. I will pay attention to this. It is a sign that I'm desiring a form of escape today. A sign that I am emotionally struggling and need to be gentle with myself.

Boyfriend got keys to his new place yesterday. His ex is struggling, emotionally. She was desperate for him to move out of their family home, but now he has, she is feeling the loss. I understand it.

When my husband confessed he had feelings for someone else and I saw how hard he found it to decide whether to stay or go, I was done. I knew there was no turning back from that. I still often long for what we used to have, though. Before it was hard for him to decide if he wanted me. Moving out of our marital home was still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I can't imagine the pain of seeing your little family physically separate, when you have a child with someone.

Anyway, I had offered him my help, if needed, today. She was very upset that I might be around, so I said that was fair enough. It is hard enough for them both, if I can do anything to lessen either of their pain, I will. However, while she was out with the child, I offered to help him assemble his new bed, in his new place. Of course she turns up with the child, doesn't she? I try to sneak out the back but the garage is locked. I kid you not, I ended up hiding in an old outhouse!

Anyway, a minute later he comes to find me and says she's gone. The kid is here but he knows I'm helping Daddy with some furniture. He has met me before, as Dad's friend. Boyfriend apologises profusely and thanks me for hiding...

Anyway, half an hour later she turns up again, unexpectedly, to take child for his tea (dinner - we're Northern). No hiding can be done, child is in the room with us, we just all have to deal with it. She was very nice and it all turned out fine but a bit of a nerve-wracking moment!

Just made me realise how complicated things can be. I've never been out with anyone with children. There are so many situations that can happen that you just have to 'wing it' in.

It's truly been an exhausting week.

Still feeling tense and fraught.

I feel really grumpy and angry. I'm trying to consciously "own" these emotions. It's quite difficult!

It's windy and cold here, which often puts me in a bad mood. I also have period pains, dry, flaky skin on my face, patches of eczema round my eyes, a rash of spots on my cheek, and dandruff! I tried on a bra in a shop today and I looked horrible. Really flabby. I went and ate a chocolate bar, though, because I need chocolate on days like this.

Just having one of those days where everything is shi t! raaaaarrrrrr!

Arrrghhhh! Had a bath, which chilled me out a bit but now waiting for boyfriend to come over. He doesn't have a phone, so said it could be any time from 5pm... Not enjoying having no idea when he will get here!

I'm a bit upset about my driving lesson yesterday, as well. We went on the dual carriageway and I started panicking. I just get so scared!

I gambled on Friday afternoon.

Did it in a reasonably contained way. Spent a few hours on the 5p and 10p machines in an arcade. Less than £20 lost.

I simply wanted to be completely distracted from my life for a while, by the pretty lights.

I could feel it coming - a restlessness, frustration, anger rising up.

Of course, it has given me random urges again. Just re-primed that part of my brain. I'm just on my guard, for now.

Hey you...

Playing with fire girl huh...i truly hope you realise how not worth it the "flashing lights" is. Of course you will have urges now but I am sure you are strong enough to say NO. We all want to be distracted from life sometimes..i find putting earphones on and walking in a fresh air does the trick 100%.

You know where I am if need to talk. Here for you unconditionally.

Thank you for your support and please - look after your welbeing & That soul!

S&B xx

Thanks, S 🙂

Yeah, I was silly. I'm not planning on doing it again.

I'm going to start meditating again. This is A healthier form of escape. It definitely gives me respite from how I feel.

I'm getting a course of counselling sessions in a couple of months. Hopefully this will help lighten the load. I just want to be seen and heard more. My boyfriend started making me feel seen and heard but has been distracted with his own stuff lately. I don't want an excessive amount, but I want attention. Just loving attention. I feel disappointed that relationships seem to start off that way for me, then I'm invisible again. Maybe we all do it. Maybe I also do it to them.

I'm finding driving lessons very hard and feel frustrated about this. I feel quite afraid on fast and busy roads. I remind myself that many drivers I know also prefer to drive at night, so everyone must feel this way to some extent.