Going to keep this thread now!

I'm getting fitter and am so proud of myself! It feels really good.

I've been doing more self-care lately. I'm happy about this positive trend.

Good stuff on the fitness!

I find I am at my best in life when i am fit

Keep up the good work

Thanks, SA

I am still keeping at it. It helps protect my mental health. Cried most of the day, today but went for a run this evening. It helped. I crave connection. Although I'm not suicidal, it feels there is little meaning and purpose to my life. I do kind things for people sometimes but other than that, I'm finding it hard to see the point in anything. I guess I'm depressed and pessimistic about my chances of meeting anyone who thinks I'm worth loving. I think I'm worth loving, I've just lost faith in anyone agreeing.

Anyway, I went on a bender. Lost a few hundred quid. I feel little about what I've lost but I recognise someday I may feel differently so I have put blocks back in place.

I noticed I could disable my gambling blocker when I was trying to get it to allow me to visit a particular website so I could buy a bra. Weird way to find myself vulnerable but that's what happened.

I attempt to resume my sobriety.

Depression is really bad today. I feel really full of shame that I have not managed to overcome depression.

I want to live. Fully! I want to feel able to do things other people do. It's just a boring, wasted life.

I have moved on to anger now. I'm feeling really up to my tolerance. As though I can't be bothered to bite my tongue.

I've been thinking tonight about why people even bother to, in some situations. I really do think some people are just rude and selfish. Sometimes it's not a misunderstanding, it's not an accident - the person who pees you off just doesn't care about you at all.

I reacted really childishly today. Do you know what, though? I forgive myself. It doesn't achieve anything or make anything better but I don't feel bad that I didn't manage to use loads of energy resisting the urge to bite. In recent years I have become really good at letting a couple of things go with people. Like, even if they are really rude, I'll still give them another chance. This woman has been really rude to me or about me a couple of times and I've forgiven and still had a positive attitude with her but she just didn't even bother to reply to a message today. Without going into the details, yes, sometimes people just genuinely forget and that's why I don't worry about it the first couple of times. She has an attitude though. She's very narcissistic and will have all the time in the world to talk about herself. Do you know what? I think it makes her an idiot because she fawns over people who flatter her. She courts the attention of really fake, shallow, disloyal people because her ego drinks it up like nectar when they flatter her. She runs around after them because they give her ego a hit. I don't like her. Anyway, this ignored message could be a genuine mistake but see that's what happens when you've already been rude a few times - a person won't give you the benefit of the doubt anymore. Now, I'd already considered the possibility that she just didn't like me. I think that's fair enough if I get on her wick for some reason. It happens. But it is only a person of dubious character who will ask a person for favours repeatedly, even though they don't like you. And she has - and I've done her some good favours, I really have. I don't throw these back in people's faces. I don't expect anything in return if I do a favour. I'm just saying that only she et people use those who they don't even like. My attitude is - I can live with you not liking me but if you don't, don't ask for my time and energy. That's just bad morals. I bet this makes no sense, I don't care, it's just a rant to express the anger I'm feeling.

So, yeah, I was childish. She ignored a message asking her a question, so after a few hours I replied "OK, no worries". Kind of like shouting "you're welcome" at someone who doesn't say "thanks" when you hold the door open for them. Sometimes I just want to say "I see you being rude and disrespectful. Don't think I don't see you."

I'm just sick of people treating me like poo.

And....really.....if I'm honest - I don't really care if I alienate rude people because I don't want to know them anyway.

Most of the time, I manage to quietly notice things and say nothing but just know what I know. I'll just privately adjust my level of respect for that person and won't go out of my way for them. Do you know - the ex boyfriend who was accusing me of being nasty? What a nerve he had! I was being about as gracious as it gets even wanting to know him and communicate with him anymore, he really didn't deserve even that. He asked me if I wanted to go to a free workshop last week. I said "yes". I was going anyway, but traditionaly, that means you've made plans with someone. Now, if something comes up and you can't make it, that's fine. It's usually respectful to let the other person know, though. He just didn't turn up or even bother to tell me. I texted him an hour in, to ask if he was still coming - over a week later, still no response. You seriously don't need people like that in your life. Yes, things come up but to not even say "oh, sorry, forgot to reply" or something. Ignorant. It's just basic respect for people. Yes, he had a very traumatic childhood and he's messed up but he treats people like poo. No excuse for that. I have zero time for him now.

So, you see, I am capable of being way more patient and forgiving of people than they deserve but I've got my limits. It just seems so commonplace as well. People have no shame.

Well, I feel calm and no longer angry in my body, which must mean I've vented and it has worked. Excellent.

It's quite freeing to be open and honest about my angry, mean, thoughts. I still love myself. I get to have that side to myself and still like myself.

Hi Freda,

Just been catching up with your diary, stay strong, those people you describe seem like a real drain on your positive energy. Well done for standing up for yourself. For some people I know it all seems to be about them, very tiring.

Paulds

Thanks, Paul. It's really kind of you to stop by and leave a comment. I don't even read other people's diaries anymore. I feel I don't have the energy to give.

I have been struggling with quite a lot of fear and anxiety over the past few days. I was offered a job on Wednesday, which is good news but I'm unsure whether I'm recovered enough at this point, to cope with it. I will try it but have just had a lot of emotion regarding feeling fear and vulnerability in a new workplace, where I don't yet feel safe.

I have until Thursday before I'm back in for the induction. I am practising a lot of self-care and allowing myself to feel the fear and anxiety. Hopefully I will be able to process a lot of emotion before the day. It is when feeling fear that I'm most vulnerable to relapse, so I have my guard up.

I'm keeping myself safe and away from gambling temptation. I really don't need to be dealing with a gambling chemical sh**storm in my brain, on top of everything else.

It's the day before my induction. I've done everything I can do. I've stuck close to people I feel safe with, I've got a few people on hand for moral support, I've been practising meditation again, getting enough sleep, taking gentle exercise, tidied the house up a bit, done some ironing and generally gotten on top of things. I've gotten stocked up with groceries and listened to some relaxation tracks. It will be how it will be but I'm prepared and have looked after myself. It's all you can do.

Well, 11 weeks later, I'm still there! I'm buying my own house, as a result. Cannot believe how much my life has turned around in 2 and a half months!!!

Still struggling at times but I'm out there doing it.

I continue to experience many difficult feelings. I get paranoid, no-one at work likes me, probably not true..., some days I want to hide, I create stress for myself by not leaving the house on time. Despite all of these feelings, I still show up. I pass the "probationary period" post, on Thursday. The final payslip the mortgage company need is already sealed - in that the pay period it covers has ended. It's in the bag. I did it.

I continue to turn up at my original job, one day a week and somehow not get fired

Life is getting better. Easier. Traditionally, this is when I push against the unfamiliar calm and order. When the unfamiliarity of no drama, feels alien and scary. I will ridde it out this time without resisting.

Hi.. am happy for ya... good things come to those who don't gamble and they are coming to you! 🙂

Thanks for thoughts and wisdom... it helps

Thanks, SA.

That's the great thing about peer support - we are so happy for each other because we know what it's like to try and rebuild our lives and deal with addiction at the same time.

Being transparent, as always and spent £2 on some instant gambling cards from the corner shop the other day. Just staying aware that these are the sparks that could cause an inferno. I often feel in the winter that I want to be "cheered up". I think this was just a dysfunctional way of doing this. It directly followed several days of dark, grey clouds and rain and cold.

Yesterday was interesting at work. I helped out in the cafe for half an hour and my word, those people work hard to earn the same pay as I do. It's hot, pressured, on your feet, running about and difficult, moaning, spoiled customers. I felt very lucky as I returned to my checkout.

I'd put something positive in place last week, too. I was aware of the feeling of wanting to be "cheered up" so I went to a Zumba class. It was only £4. Hard work but quite fun and the exercise is good for my mood and my insecurities about being overweight atm. I may not be able to control my weight as much as I'd like, it does feel better to at least be doing some constructive things to help it, though. I'm going to go again tomorrow.

The house purchase is moving slowly, which is annoying. I just want the move done and out of the way. Typical impatient CG, I guess!

Had more cravings to gamble today. This time wanted a scratchcard while waiting next to the shop for the bus, then, later, in town, walking past amusements wanted to go and play on the bandits.

I have learned that I go through these moody days, where I just want to say "eff it", where I'm fed up with the world and want to escape. They always pass though. Often coincide with being hormonal!

I'm petulant today. My maturity level has nosedived. Being an adult feels hard. It'll pass, though.

It will pass and tomo u will feel good if uve not gambled today

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