Going to keep this thread now!

Hey well done for letting them cravings pass. I often think the time of the year, the lack of sunlight and the weather have an impact. I too watched someone buy a scrach card and thought maybe i'd get one.. but i resisted. Onwards... 🙂

Yeah, I wanted to eat loads of c**P the other night as well but resisted. Normal life, I guess.

Ugh! Am struggling with life atm.

Just finding it hard to field other people's moods and attitudes.

There are a couple of quite aggressive people at work. One of whom is very abrupt and impatient with mistake making. She tends to come across as "you are stupid" as opposed to "you are human". I've always struggled with this kind of person because I think they're unreasonable and invalidating. I find her intimidating. I go to pieces around her sometimes which only gives her more to criticise. In my position, we rely on these people to help us when things go wrong. We are dependent on them. Work is a funny place where a lot of people are frosty and bi tchy. It's hard to be around, for me. I don't need everyone to like me, I just need them to not have an attitude with me. I feel uncomfortable and awkward and drained from it. There are some really nice ones too, they have not been in lately so the balance has tipped. A bad week at work, they are not all this bad.

I've been feeling really angry as a result. I was very curt with a difficult customer today. I think some elderly people really enjoy being difficult and holding up a queue. I had one today and felt misunderstood because I think the woman behind her thought I was intolerant of the elderly but I'm actually very patient with them, it's people who put on an innocent act when they're foo king with you who I take issue with. Some of them happen to be elderly. They enjoy it when people misunderstand your reaction and enjoy playing the poor, vulnerable elder. I detest manipulation. I shut off and refuse to play the game. I won't join in the dance. I admitted to the next customer I thought some people got a strange kick out of making those fusses. It would have been better if I'd bitten my tongue. A fault of mine. I'm rubbish at hiding how I feel. I get wound up and agitated.

Thanks, Sandra

I have had a bout of depression recently. I was working so many hours over Christmas as well as moving house. It took it's toll, I think. I have had evenings where I've felt real despair. It has been weird for me because in general, my life is going much better. I just couldn't appreciate it at all.

I've been playing fruit machines again, as well. Not going daft but just shouldn't be doing it. Waste of time and money but it became my cheer up activity after feeling quite isolated and lonely recently. I have had an ex as a lover for the past 10 months or so. I started to trust him a little bit again and we were getting closer but he has started disappointing me again. He says now that he loves me but I don't believe him.

I have been discarded. It hurts like hell. He is a horrible person to mess with my emotions like this.

I self-destructed to the tune of £150 over the past couple of days. Interestingly, I felt like saying to him that he felt like a bandit that I couldn't get to pay out. Perhaps I was acting out my feelings.

I'm really sad that anyone would treat a person this way. I think he must be quite black and empty inside to do this to me again.

I was wary of him for so long, said it was better if we were just friends with benefits. He pushed me to get attached and open my heart again. Then he just discarded me. I kind of hope someone gives him herpes....he deserves something like that. Rotten, cold, cruel soul.

I believe he wanted to feed off me. Wanted to trick me into opening my heart and giving him love, even though he wouldn't give it back.

He is a pathetic excuse for a man. He doesn't deserve me, I just wish he hadn't messed with my feelings.

Only a matter of weeks ago he said he loved me and wanted to settle down with me one day and live in a house by the sea. Cruel toss pot.

Feeling better about things today. It's better that he's gone from my life but I have to experience loneliness a bit more again. I am much more independent than a few years ago but still really long to be loved and have someone to hold me.

It is hard staying away from the man. He can be here, holding me within hours if I say the word. All I have to do is let him have s*x with me. What a sad world where this is an intelligent woman's thought process. But it is. Up to now, I have stayed away. I will stay away today. Work it like recovery. I don't even like him. Some days any attention feels better than none.

I've just started back at my driving lessons. I hate it. I have a tendency to zone out and not pay attention. My brain struggles to make decisions on the spot. Knackered after an hour. Still I try. Gambling feels tempting today. To peesh it all up the wall to run from my vulnerability and fear.But, I won't.

I haven't gambled for 15 days now. I went off and wasted a few hundred quid over the course of a few weeks. I miss it and don't feel much determination to stay sstopped, if I'm honest. I try to keep busy and stay away.

I felt a bit sore yesterday, after the driving lesson. Just disappointed I still made mistakes. I noticed I felt disappointed that the instructor wasn't that encouraging when I was reporting the progress I'd made, outside of lessons. I wanted to be congratulated and told "well done" enthusiastically. Anyway, I felt a bit frustrated that it hadn't gone as well as I hoped. Thoughts of gambling crossed my mind. Instead, I went to an exercise class at the gym. It was really hard. I didn't want to be there. You know when something is a bit too hard and you feel defeated? I did it though. Somehow!!! Proud of myself for showing up and trying. I haven't lost any weight yet which I'm disappointed about but my work trousers do feel a bit looser.

I feel a lot of struggle at the moment.

I am really hurting. 

I feel like life has very little meaning without connection.

I gambled on fruit machines for 9 hours straight yesterday. 

Things are more stable for me, on a superficial level. I have a job and bought a house. It feels meaningless without love, though. I know that might sound ungrateful, but that is how I feel.

Dear @freda ,

sorry to hear you are struggling with your recovery and perhaps life in general at the moment. This is not unusual at time. Feeling isolated and missing connection on an emotional level is unfortunately the 'side effects' of our modern times. But it is possible to change this Freda. It is important to keep going out there, to meet people and not lose hope. In the meantime it is also important to stay connected with yourself and making sure you are kind to yourself. 

You have achieved a lot over the past few years, it is essential that you keep reminding yourself of the positives and keep celebrating them. 

Please always remember that we are here to support you, so if you need to talk, please call the Helpline or the Netline for some additional support.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi Freda,

Look how much you have achieved! And best part is - it doesn't have to stop here. 

I have a house, job and a dog and nothing else in my circle of life...it truly upset me for a long while but as i said above, things dont have to stay the way they are.

Show yourself love and compassion. Nurture yourself and the rest will start falling into places accordingly.

Now...the slip you experienced...it is painful and im sorry to read that. Can you self exclude yourself from the establishment?..

Don't be hard on yourself. Beating yourself up will not help..find care and love for yourself. Even little things as a bubbly bath, a cooked meal, an hour of peaceful mindfulness..every little thing will add to the big masterpiece of life. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Much love .....Stay safe - minute at a time ❤

S&B xx

Thanks, SB. 

I know, I'm doing great and I'm really proud of myself. I really like myself. I think I have a lot to offer. It's hard to find genuine people out there who act like I matter. 

I feel much better after ranting. I've been gambling for weeks now but yesterday was a big binge. I need to stay stopped now. I was kidding myself that I could handle it and was saying to myself "it's only because I'm isolated. If people were kinder, I wouldn't be gambling". Toxic way of thinking. 

I love the picture of your lovely dog 🙂 she is beautiful!

Feeling better. Was in a hole earlier. Really fed up. 

I know a lot of people are very fickle these days but I was very hurt that many people didn't show up for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was the big 40. I never ask people to celebrate my birthday with me because last time I did, hardly anyone showed up and I spent my birthday feeling unliked and shunned. Rejected.

Anyway, I wasn't focusing on the people who DID show up for me. I am going to do a gratitude list because they do help.

First - and it will be in my gratitude list - I am grateful for my good communication skills and willingness to be vulnerable because I ended up resolving one case of confusion where I thought a man I met was just being polite when he said he wanted to be friends with me. I had asked him to please, please not do this because I find it really difficult when I'm not sure people mean what they say. I promised him I wouldn't get angry with him or anything. I felt he had done just this, though. He was replying to me in a disinterested way and then stopped replying altogether. I felt angry and wished he had just been honest. I reached out last night and said I was sad we'd stopped speaking but that I found it too hard to stay in touch when I don't get replied to/acknowledged.  Although he'd been very aloof up till then, he explained that he was just very anxious and unhappy and had been getting messages from his ex saying she loves him and misses him and then when he didn't say what she wanted to hear - that he wants to get back together with her - she would get angry and nasty and then block him. So he is scared to get involved with anyone new. He apologised and said he had become quite self-absorbed and could understand how that must have come across. I just feel better, as though I understand now. It wasn't just someone who didn't think my feelings mattered. It wasn't about me. It had made me feel paranoid. A few things have lately.

Anyway, today I am grateful for:

1) My ability to communicate well to get the understanding I need.

2) My cat, for being adorable and making me smile, even when I feel terrible.

3) A couple of good friends who I do trust and know care how I feel.

4) A rainy day, for helping me surrender to my feelings and stay indoors to process things and lick my wounds.

5) The man I met on a date last week, who did act like my feelings mattered and wanted to get to know me. Sadly, I just didn't fancy him but he was a lovely bloke.

6) This forum - and the help from Gabriele earlier - to figure out how to access my diary again. It helps me a lot to write down my feelings and I couldn't log in since the format of the website changed. 

7) The input of the Gamcare staff. I think it's quite nice that they read our diaries and make comments. It feels nice.

8) I got some recognition from work yesterday for being one of only seven people to beat our targets for 6 weeks running. The managers are working on improving recognition to improve morale but up until then, I hadn't been recognised for anything and I do try to do my job well.

9) I'm weirdly grateful for the big gambling binge yesterday because it has given me a shake back to reality and to stop being self-destructive.

10) I'm grateful for having sufficient savings that although yesterday was a massive waste of money, I am still safe and financially stable. I know how to safeguard myself better to protect my situation, financially. I have overpaid my mortgage by £1000 and moved most of my savings into an ISA that I can't access for gambling straight away.

Onwards!

I am so pleased to read you're proud of yourself! This truly speaks volumes! 

I liked what Eva put down before my reply ". It is important to keep going out there, to meet people and not lose hope. In the meantime it is also important to stay connected with yourself and making sure you are kind to yourself". 

These are truly golden words we all should listen to. As I always rambled on -it all starts from within!

Ohhh...I just read your gratitude list!!! What an amazing thoughts! - beautiful my lovely same as you are!

Happy birthday hun.....always remember that things can be worse...like no friends to remember or come round lol (that was my experience last year ?).

And of course! Lovely fur friend, now that is magic in itself! Aknowledge how peaceful they make us feel...its pure bliss to have lite angels by our sides ?

You're doing very well - keep up good work!

?❤ xx