Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda,

Thanks for your post! ...and music is my world for sure so glad you listened to the lyrics of the song and filtered the message I tried to send.

Now..men huh and relationships. I think for a healthy relationship you need connections, commitment and openness. To be on the same page is work in progress also but that's where openness and honesty comes in.

I'm no good with relationships, in fact, i never even tried to understand men until I had no choice but work in a group of "wolfs" lol....alpha men how I call them ?

Now, my humble opinion but maybe you need to ask yourself what is your expectations of relationship? What do you see as final settled picture? ..of course all diamonds has sharp edges and there is no continued smoothness in relationships and that's where commitment to work on them comes in too. From both sides, i don't think one sided effort is ever enough.

What are your priorities in relationship? Is it connection, attention, care, intimacy, devotion or all of this plus a sprinkle of tenderness?

I am very greatful to have my "brothers" at work. I kind of see the way their brain is wired and yes, it is different but the more I talk, share with them I also see a lot of vulnerability and honesty. 

Apart from silly questions from some of them of "would you?" Which i learned to laugh off now as it's just random daily banter we developed for some unknown reason, i see that not all of them are the same. My deep rooted opinion has vanished. Of course I had it due to early childhood experiences as you know and uptil now struggled to shake off...But men are (or can be) as good as gold!

Example, once I saw a postwoman doing the rounds who was fit and truly elegant even in her uniform, ..now my colleague of course wolf whistled for about 30 secs and I couldn't help but laugh at his reaction...but what followed made me think...he said "Sandra, i see this beautiful female and of course my senses comes to life however I would never ever cheat on my fiancee. You know why? Because she is my best friend and also love of my life. Can you believe how lucky I am - I have a best friend I can freely love and share every piece of me with, its a blessing, you cannot find better than this and I am so thankful for this fortune. My eyes may run with what they see however I choose not to follow because I already am happy and content with what I have".

Uptil this day i have the biggest respect for him. I expressed my happiness for them both and indeed say that this is rare gem in this day and age...esp for a male to be this open and vulnerable at the same time.

So my outstanding question is...maybe with all the qualities outlined above...all you're looking for is a best friend! A friend who can fulfil all the aspects of your needs. 

You're worth that best friend h u n, don't let other lone wolves to put that fire out you worked so hard to light up.

Keep being kind to you, the rest will follow.

S&B xx ❤?

Thanks for sharing that story, Sandra, because I need to believe there are men out there like that. 

Strangely, I admired all of the male managers at work for being "good men" never feeling uncomfortable around any of them. Recently, I found out some strange tales about some of them - including one I have a crush on. He is too young for me anyway but I felt a bit disillusioned when I heard about him being caught with the cleaner on her knees in front of him in a cupboard at work.  I'm not a prude and that is not an act to feel ashamed of in the appropriate time and place but did think "bit of a sleazebag" when I heard that. Also, I thought my manager was living with his kids' mother but apparently not. Opposite examples are good to balance the picture!

Lol...sorry but what a chuckle to have at this time of the morning ?

I admire your honesty and straight talk! No roundabouts here!

I guess every workplace has it's tales to tell and that's what makes this world go round.  I have no issues with those as long as I'm not involved in a story ???

Have a good and peaceful Sunday, look after yourself and enjoy the blessings it brings!

Hugs!

S&B xx

Test

Bahhhhh...2 posts written and they both went AWOL! what the flying birds was that?

Anyway,...once again (I swear I will have the image for the whole day if I carry on retyping the same ?)...I was on about you jumping a man! Lol..you know you need to get their consent first? But on the other hand, why would a naked man stand in front of you otherwise ?...so I guess, all's happy and case closed!I do like your highway approach tho lol..

Yup  we are animals. I read somewhere that that's why we are on this planet - to breed! We, i shall pass on this and will take a place in this world for other higher good ??.

Yes, gym is not exactly appealing but plan is a plan and I was up early so will hit that heavenly place before work this aft. Will take it easy and no heavy weight lifting on the agenda, maybe more cardio...5k should set me for a good start.

Hope you're having blessed morning and looking forward for a good day to come! Sun is up and warming this earth already, have a good one hun and keep smiling!

Stay blessed S&B xx ?

Oh, P**P! My wifi signal dropped and I lost a long message! No time to rewrite now but I did a gratitude list, so my brain has had a gratitude hit, if nothing else!

I feel stuck in a rut. This is what the depressed feelings keep coming back to. I seem to be able to get myself back to a certain level of functioning, then don't know how to get beyond that. 

I'm looking for a new project to excite me or something to bring meaning and purpose into my life. I'm earning enough money to pay my mortgage and run my car. I'm not often anxious or distressed. Life feels "safer" than it has done for years. I appreciate this. 

I would like more connection in my life. More people who feel good to be around and with whom I can talk for hours. People to share experiences with. 

Today, I am grateful for:

1) A week without gambling and with very few urges.

2) Sunny weather to mow the lawn in.

3) The new cupboard k***s I fitted on my built in wardrobe. They are cats in hats.

4) The feeling of getting things done, getting things sorted, accomplishment. Doing jobs I had been putting off.

5) An experience of laughter and play, recreating funny photographs in an online group I'm in.

6) Sleeping well. I'm so, so grateful for this. 

7) A peaceful home where I can relax at night.

8) My mobility. It's so good to be able to do things for myself.

9) Inspiring people. I have been utilising videos by motivational speakers to help put my mind in a more positive space.

10) Improving my driving skills and breaking through the fear of dual carriageways. I still have a way to go but progress has been made.

Tonight I'm crying as I am tired of feeling so much fear and self-doubt. I have booked my driving test, on the advice of my instructor but he's on holiday for 3 weeks. I felt like a break from lessons for a week would be good. It has been big, facing my fears and going onto the dual carriageways. Three weeks sees like a long time, time when I want to be gaining as much practice as possible. 

I have learned this about myself - I tell myself I can't do things, so I have to just repeatedly "do". I have to keep proving my self-doubt wrong. I went for a drive tonight with my friend. We went along the side of the dual carriageway and I got upset that I'd approached it from the wrong lane. Nothing bad came of it but I felt thrown. It's a slip road you don't have to leave. You can stay on it until the next exit. I went up the exit bank, like I'd been taught, all the while doubting myself. Did I do it right? Do I need to indicate? I follow the spiral roundabout and my friend says "I don't think you were supposed to change lanes there." "I didn't change lanes" I say. "The lane moves over." Then I start feeling upset. Did I change lanes? I don't think I did but now I'm not so sure. I followed the spirals. It looks like you move over to the left but you don't. It's the way the spirals take you. Isn't it? 

A drive that was supposed to be further practice to boost my feeling of readiness suddenly feels like a disaster. I feel like it didn't go well. This is what it's like inside my head. 

I also decided today that I need to learn self-discipline when it comes to attachments and relationships. I need to get real and accept things as they are, not as I want them to be. 

The man I met who I really liked, is very aloof and doesn't make much contact with me. I already explained that I can't handle this attachment style and that it would trigger a lot of anxiety in me. I said I couldn't date him anymore, even though I do like him. He has said repeatedly that he wants to get to know me and be friends with me. He thinks we should hang out as friends, with no pressure. He makes no attempt to make plans with me, though. The reality is, if I wait around hoping he'll show more interest, even on just a friendship level, I doubt he will actually get around to it. I need to accept that anyone who is serious about getting to know me, who sees being my friend as an attractive opportunity, will make more effort than this. In my head, I'm hoping he will change. This is not helpful thinking. I need to move on and stop trying to get his attention. I need to get real. He's not that bothered. If he was, he would be making more effort. I was anxiously waiting for his replies. Hoping today will be the day he gives me some attention, some interest. I am participating in this longing behaviour. Feeding it. It's an unhelpful pattern. It's not going to happen. So, I muted our conversation to help me to let go. I'm trying to only check once a day at most. Because the hoping and trying is unhealthy. The preoccupation. It's almost an addiction in itself.

I've rambled on a bit but who cares. It has helped. Tomorrow is a new day.

Hi hun,

Thank you for your post. ...it truly hit me when you said about feeling the feeling and trying not to fight depression. Did make sense and I thank you for this advice. 

It is what it is. I know I'm not well and I am still in the process of looking for proper help. Recent events truly shook me up and now I know how truly damaged I am.

I hear you about yiur struggles. Please be kind to you. Driving can only improve with time. None of us mastered it immediately. Worry is just a natural feeling and we all went through it.

Fear of other cars or carriageways was my worry too. I used to shake then..but practice makes it all better...don't be too hard on yourself.

I know you will be a very good driver because you already are showing consideration and care on the roads. You're mindful of safety which is priority on the roads.. It will take time, but let the flow come in naturally. keep practicing, you will definitely get there!

Thank you again for your thoughts and support. You were very right saying that my clouded mind told me b****cks about Bella...she loves me as much as i love her - she didn't leave my side yet since i got her back lol and is peacefully curled up next to me now. She brings me amazing peace..I feel so blessed!

Keep your grattitude lists going also, they do make me smile and inspire me to look at my own blessings...and I have many!

Be kind to you, stay patient, show love and care for yourself...let life unfold in front of you at steady pace....you're WORTH IT.

Blessings and love hun , stay safe ?❤

Thanks, Sandra

Yeah, it's trusting people to let me change lanes and merge from sliproads mainly, now. 

I had a good drive today. Felt better for it. Chipping away - Rome was not built in a day!

Hi f,

Yes, trust is part of the commuting life. Unfortunately we not only have to look after ourselves but other road users also. You fill find that majority are very alert,..I would say 98% which is quite a lot..the 2% remaining are still there but very far and between. ..that's when you need to take action and safety is first. ..never forget that.

It also comes with time, ..observing others.  

You got this! 

Ps..if it helps, i also got another driving test upcoming. I am nervous also, but know that staying vigilant, safe and alert is the main thing I need to remember. ..

As they say: observation, position, speed, gear, manoeuvre ?

You are in control of your vehicle, don't lose it. Own it hun!

Breathe, concentrate and go for it!!

S&B xx

Thanks, Sandra.

I feel very, very low today. Got really drunk last night. 

It was the right thing to do, to let go of that man who was aloof. We had a goodbye conversation last night, which was good for me. I really think he thought he was being kind. It's so not kind to leave someone dangling with that little possibility of hope. We talked about a lot of things last night. He has had problems with his ex not being able to let go of him but I fully understand her perspective now. He shared that he'd had a threesome with her and another female friend, who he is still in touch with. I really think he's narcissistic and just likes having women around him who fancy him. Very self-absorbed man. I don't think he ever fancied me which is confusing because I'm usually good at picking these things up. I was surprised at the time, but really did think he seemed to. 

I feel a bit insecure and unsure of myself now. I thought I was good at reading people's signs. I also feel a bit scared that I might be generally fairly unattractive now. I used to do quite well but have found things harder lately. 

Then I've started getting upset thinking about how people don't seem to like me very much. 

I just want more appreciation around me.

Although I'm in pain, I won't gamble today.

Wow! That was a big one! 

Cried most of the day, yesterday. 

I'm getting better at walking away from people who behave as though I'm insignificant but there is still room for improvement. I want to get to a point where I stick to my bottom line. I betrayed myself and my own standards for that eejit. Kept trying beyond where was reasonable. 

The thing that is most difficult for me, is the habit people have of saying things they don't mean. It added to the bank of experiences in the "you can't trust what people say" folder. Do you know what I mean? I really struggle with this. That it's the "done thing" to deny there's anything wrong and reassure people that what they think, is not correct - when it IS correct!!!!! I cannot think of anything more f****d up! We pretend we do it because it's the "kind" thing to do, when it's not, it's selfish and cowardly. 

The rejection, I am fine with, can process that quickly. It's the head f**k. Not being able to trust what someone says.

Well, I have completed 15 days without gambling. I have very few urges, which is good.

I had a crush on the boy who worked in the arcade. He was all nervous and earnest. The only gambling related thoughts I've been having have been about going in to try and see him. I'm just being a dirty old woman, though. I'm 20 years older than him.

I went on the funniest date yesterday! I had been chatting to someone in messages who I "met" on Tinder. He seemed like a bit of an oddball but harmless, so I kept an open mind. He told me he was "awakened" and that he'd had loads of revelations about the universe. Well, turns out he was just an ordinary, grumpy, middle-aged man, working for a big corporation. There was nothing awakened about him whatsoever. It really tickled me. It put me back in touch with the wonderful sense of humour that the universe can have. I was polite to him but had a good chuckle to myself when I left. It reminded me to be cautious of thinking I know someone, because we've messaged back and forth a lot because people can pretend to be whatever they want very easily. It's not real.

Ugh! I feel really, really c rapp y tonight! 

Got talking to a man on Tinder who told me straight away that he was a recovering alcoholic. I feel funny about this sort of thing, you know, because having addiction issues myself, I don't judge anyone - but two addicts together, in recovery or not, is a difficult combination. Anyway, dilemma about should I steer well clear was made easier when I asked how long he'd been sober. 3 weeks!!!!! Now, that's about the same as me but alcoholism is a different thing altogether. Politely said it might be a bit early on in his recovery, to be looking for a relationship.

It's a sad thing that so many people are lonely and would be helped by having a supportive partner but at the same time, if we aren't reasonably stable, how are we going to be a good partner? Selfish to form attachments with someone if we are a mess.

I felt a bit bleak about my relationship prospects today. I'm really trying to find connection and meaning in my life outside of partnership but it has been hard so far, particularly with people being so flaky and busy. It is what it is, though. Reality can bite but it's all we have.