Going to keep this thread now!

I love the grateful list freda, must do one myself. Lovely to catch up briefly in chat x

Thank you 🙂

When I take the time out to love and nurture myself, my heart just blooms. I am proud of myself today. I recognised I was feeling very vulnerable and HELPED MYSELF a lot! I washed up, hoovered, did laundry, ate healthy food I love, I did a pelvis resetting exercise I've been meaning to do for ages and did my trauma releasing exercises. Lots of self-care. Also made sure I got outside in the daylight for a while. I cleared some overgrowth in the garden.

My cat has really enjoyed having me home and being available for lots of cuddles. She loves me so much and I am grateful for her.

Well haven't gambled but have felt a bit lost lately and spending a lot of time on the sofa, lazing around. 

I've agreed to swap a couple of shifts at work, which mean I am working 6 days in a row. I'm apprehensive about that but I can do it. Payday is coming on Friday and I will have quite a bit extra for the overtime I've done lately. 

I'm feeling a little bit down but not too bad. I think my hormones are involved and I've had a very fluttery heart lately. I'm going to go and get a Sunbed session to stop me looking quite so pasty and go to the gym for some exercise therapy.

Spent the afternoon with my ex-husband yesterday. I cannot believe we used to be married! It's so weird. There's a soft, tender sadness that our closeness fades, with more time passing. We used to be very close. It's nice that we have this lasting fondness for one another. Natural and healthy that the closeness fades. I am aware that if there was a new special person in my life, this wouldn't feel so poignant. It's not about losing closeness with him, specifically, it's about not being particularly close to anyone. A bit of sadness rose up when I wrote that. A few tears welling in the eyes. 

Got some constructive stuff done yesterday and feel better for it. Posted the childrens' Christmas cards to them and got a haircut. Going to do a gratitude list before heading out.

1) I am grateful for the friendship of my ex-husband. He knows me very well and it is good to be able to talk to him about things.

2) I'm grateful for the warmth I feel for and from my colleagues. We had a silly group chat with our manager earlier, it was nice.

3) I'm grateful to have had a couple of days off work to rest and catch up on things. I feel better for it.

4) Grateful for my physical health. I have a healthy blood pressure and am able bodied. This is a good start!

5) I'm grateful for my car. I enjoyed having a little ride out in it yesterday.

6) I'm grateful for kindness. Ex-hub brought a xmas cake through from the next city for me, as we don't have that particular shop in my city. It was very kind of him, as I know he hates busy shops.

7) I'm grateful my washing machine still works. I inherited one when I bought this house and wasn't sure how long it would last but it's still going, a year later.

8) I'm grateful for vegan fast food. There is more choice out there now and in winter, I often buy snacks and sandwiches when I'm out, as I have less energy and motivation for cooking. 

9) I'm grateful for bargains! I got two sandwiches from Boots for 45p each, the other day. 

10) I'm grateful I sleep well. There was a time when I didn't and it was very hard.

I am eating a LOT of bread! I'm comfort eating a bit, although I'm not particularly sad. 

I have been for a session of reflexology this morning. Nice and relaxing! It's important for me to get nurtured. Payday for both jobs today. It's nice to have some money in the bank but also feeling safe with the access to money. I stocked up on lots of nice food, yesterday. Usually, I worry about using too much plastic etc. when shopping but yesterday, I just put myself first and got whatever I wanted.

Six more days and all of this Xmas P**P will be over for another year. I cannot wait. I know this might sound like a minor thing but my mother has spoiled Christmas, for as long as I can remember, just by being her. I feel uncomfortable around her. She's needy and melodramatic. She has had the weirdest life, as she was a bit of a martyr in her marriage, she didn't get a lot of love or attention from my Dad, yet at the same time, she would feel sorry for herself and lash out at people, doing the "poor me, nobody loves me" thing. There's something about having a mother who expects her kids to go "there, there, poor you" that has really messed me up. 

She doesn't even do it much anymore but it's like I'm permanently uncomfortable around her. Especially at Christmas. She has thrown tantrums 2 or 3 Christmasses and it is really uncomfortable and upsetting. I really do mean actual tantrums, as well. I think she has a personality disorder. One year because we wouldn't get up as soon as she shouted for us, she came to the top of the stairs and shouted that we weren't worth it and she wished she was dead. Like, an actual child's tantrum, then stormed out of the house. She came back a short time later and pretended nothing had happened and took photographs of me opening my presents with tears rolling down my face. I don't know how to be loving to someone like that. It feels toxic and I just want to get away from them. Obviously, it is a cry for love and support but it's just very upsetting and made me uncomfortable and want to move away from her. 

Anyway, to this day, I hate speaking to her on Christmas day. She is often tearful over the phone and I don't want to deal with it. The problem is, I think I'm afraid to be loving toward her - because she is very needy and melodramatic, so she would try to suck me right in and demand a lot of attention. I just don't feel it's my job to look after her, emotionally, and never have. 

So, having a relationship with my mother is uncomfortable and hard work. I don't want one, if I'm honest. It's the taboo thing you're not supposed to say but I'm not attached to my mother at all. I don't like her. However, because she didn't burn me with cigarettes or beat me up, I feel like I'm not allowed to feel this way.

Freda. I hear loud and clear what you are saying.

I firmly believe being female doesn't exactly make any woman a good mother. 

I have had a decent time of things with my mum. Although she did over crave attention at times as my parents were divorced and I never truly believed she liked my short  relationship with my dad. There goes a tale.

Don't feel bad about your feelings.. You cannot conjure up love just to suit society.. And you don't have to justify to anyone your feelings about your mum. 

Boo xxx

Thanks, Boo xx

I've been really bad tempered at work today. I haven't actually lost my temper with anyone but have just hated being there. Supermarkets bring out the worst in people near xmas.

Much better day, today. Nice customers, nice atmosphere.

So glad to hear that Freda, must be made in retail sometimes at Xmas. 

Today I'm angry and fed up. I'm fed up with a job that has poor conditions and being supposed to feel grateful that I have a job at all, or that I don't have an even worse job. I'm just sick of capitalism. People don't matter and it sucks. Yes, I'm not in a sweat shop but neither my conditions nor those should exist. It's not a how grim is your job competition. 

Sorry you are havi ng another bad day freda. I dont know what to say to make it feel better. But just to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Stay strong freda 

Boo ?

Aww, thanks, lasses. 

Better day today. One more day then I'm off for a few.

Retail sucks.

So, Christmas day I upon us. Or Wednesday, as I like to call it.

Did the phone call with mam, early on. She made an effort to be cheerful, to be fair. Could still feel her ego being tugged at, to hear me so happy, despite being alone on Christmas day. 

Thing is, I'm a grown woman. I reject all the bull about what it must mean, if you have no-one to spend Xmas with. It usually just means you haven't been around very nice people. It was nice to have the "social validation" of being with my husband on Christmas day, when I was married. It's like that's good enough and people don't pry any further. I know it's almost always coming from a good place but it's actually quite unkind to make a really big deal about it. That's what used to make me feel upset. People's horror at it. Made me feel like a freak. Like a circus sideshow. If people want to invite you to their Christmas, then drop it, that's fine, but why is it socially acceptable to say to someone's face "you can't be alone on Christmas day - that's awful!". How is that supposed to make the other person feel?!

Anyway, it's kind of weird because you know that other people are not really available today but other than that, I feel fine. Of course I would love to be with a man who adored me, today - but I haven't got one, at the moment, so it's tough. I refuse to create a child, just so I'm never alone again. Can't think of anything more unhealthy (although I get why people end up doing this). 

I feel really grateful for the friends I have, the nice colleagues, the two jobs, even if they are, at times, less than people deserve, my home, my cat and my health.

My ability to read people's dodginess is really good. I'm proud of this. 

I was asked if I wanted to go out tomorrow, for boxing day drinks, with someone from work. I felt like it was weird that only two other people were going. One of them was a problem with the last social thing we tried to organise. I messaged her saying I'd see if anyone else wanted to come and straight away she said she'd create an inbox thread to invite people. I looked at who she'd added and she'd only added one person. Hmmm.....

Yep, my feeling about her was right. Such a shame that she is stopping there from being a happy group of people to socialise with. However, because I can see what is happening, I can sidestep these things and avoid. Toxic people suck.

Good dodge there Freda. It’s more than hard work to spend any time with people we don’t want to be with. As you say, shame it spoils it for others