Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks, SA,San,

Well, my week off draws to a close and I'm back to work tomorrow. I'm getting really weary of this situation. I want to frolic through meadows with my lover.

Oh well, at least I'm not dead.

Just updating my day tally. Day 130 today.

Will be 19 weeks on Friday.

Day 135

Guy I'm seeing is very, very sweet. I have explained to him that I have had people mess with my feelings in the past and I can't take someone's words as gospel until I have known them a while. We both had some time off work again, so have spent some time together. He's the only person I don't live with, who I've been physically close to since lockdown but I know we aren't supposed to, even if we are careful and shield everyone else.

I feel fine with people judging me on that, if they want to. I've tried my best. There are complex factors at play in many people's lives, mental health to name just one. It has been important to me to have this contact and has made me better able to avoid contact with everyone else. 

Anyway, necessary to explain all that, to mention how I do trust him quite a bit now and feel very loved, actually. I felt very tired yesterday and had heart palpitations from doing something that is scary for me and getting a bit anxious. I said I wanted to have a nap and he said he could just leave me to it, or come and cuddle me for a bit. I said it would be nice to have a cuddle. He stayed with me, stroking my hair, until I fell asleep. It was the loveliest thing anyone has done for me in years. When I got up, he was really happy and said it felt amazing that I fell asleep in his arms. He was really excited about it. It's just lovely. I'm being treated so very wonderfully and I haven't been able to say that for years. 

I feel rejected a lot of the time. People don't seem to like me.

Boyfriend is just the loveliest. He got up at 5.30am, gave me a hug, told me he loved me and went to work. I woke up to a sweet note on the fridge and he'd made me some breakfast. Overnight oats. He is so wonderful to me. 

I started my practice massage sessions with him last night. Will be a while until I can actually work in massage due to the whole thing but he is being my guinea pig, to get me up to standard.

I feel depressed today.

Seems to me like your all loved up and yet you feel depressed?? I guess that's possible. I guess that true happiness can only come from within, not externally.

Anyway hope things ok, since your last post.. S.A x

Yeah, this situation depresses me. I feel very sad about the likely things that are happening in the shadows, regarding the Covid situation. 

Yeah, I love him. I'm really happy. In my experience, it doesn't make everything perfect. Humanity is defo going through some heavy stuff, right now. I'd found out that day, that 5g is already being transmitted in my city. There is no way I'd bring a child into this world.

Still clean, 20+ weeks, now.

New love!???..yay girl, so pleased for you! I hope he takes care of you and treats you as a princess! You are truly worth happiness and food feeling!

None of us are perfect...but if someone makes us feel just that little better. ...it's worth holding on on to this positive stuff.

Hope you're well &staying safe at work.

S&B xx

P.s. well done on g free time!

Thank you, San, I haven't been on here much at all, but all is fairly well.

22 weeks tomorrow, since I last gambled. Getting on for half a year! 

I've really enjoyed getting paid for not going to my Monday job! It's like free money, lol. I feel such a lot of abundance in my life, right now. I'm very grateful for all that I have. 

I have had money to support local businesses, have bought some bushes to increase privacy in my back garden, have treated myself to clothes and nice food. Stuff that wouldn't be possible when gambling. In 18 months, I've become £2k ahead in my mortgage payments. I'm looking at getting a new bath and shower fitted in my house, soon. Hopefully new tiling, as well. 

I've been fasting regularly, for the health benefits and to try and eat less. The longest I have managed, is 22 hours but that is very good for health. David is wonderful, really supportive. He loves my cats and helps me with things It's a nice balance - I am independent and can do things for myself but he fixed my garden gate for me, last week. I'm sure I could have figured it out myself but it was nice that he  just did it for me. I'm getting more active, walking to work more (2miles)  and sometimes I run home from his place, which is almost 2 miles.

Day 157. All is well, save for a few aching muscles. I volunteered to do 4 hours overtime, tonight, stocking shelves. It will be good exercise for me. It is an excellent way to force myself to be active.

Hey,

Excellent to read about your progress!little steps forward takes us to tbe leaps in life. Keep up good work!

I noticed when something positive happens in one area of our lives - the rest tend to tally up. Having a boyfriend is positive for you and you get more good vibes/motivation for other aspects of your life. . And so it goes on..

keep working at it, you're doing brilliant!

Have a good shift &yes, its good to move and keep active!

S&B xx

Your doing mighty fine, keep walking, keep stacking them shelves. 🙂

I feel like I'm unravelling but from experience, I recognise this as a meltdown. 

I have had some really old childhood stuff triggered and feel really unstable. I tried to gamble yesterday, although good old Gamstop stopped me. 

I want to get it down in words because it's hard to explain what I'm feeling. I lost my temper with someone on social media the other week. They just bluntly called me judgemental. It really stuck in my throat, as I am not generally a particularly judgemental person at all. I am not perfect and of course fall into judgement sometimes but this person took my honesty and the vulnerability I offered them and just stomped on it. I was trying to offer a perspective, an honest one. I think so many people act perfect like they never judge and are holier than thou and if you are just more honest than them, they attack you and act like they are better than you. I hate it. It really stinks. It's scapegoating. 

It's good riddance to this person, to be perfectly honest. She doesn't listen to people, has regularly belittled and dismissed my feelings and is fake as all hell. I feel real rage toward her. It is bringing back feelings of being goaded and goaded and then when I snap, being shamed for being nasty, you know? She is still a person, though. I was going to unfollow her and filter her from seeing my posts. But she unfriended me. At the same time as this is going on, I have people excluding me and refusing to be friendly at work. It feels too much. I don't respect the people at all. It's just the feelings that have come with being shut out and excluded. They are very painful. I think they are from my complaining about one person early on, over a year ago, bullying me. She's a nasty person in her attitude, really aggressive and difficult. Some customers on Saturday were saying how nasty she is. It definitely comes across and is not just me. Despite this, though, in some groups of people - you just don't grass. 

It's feelings of being excluded but for unfair reasons. 

One of my managers spoke to me about something that I had posted on social media, the other day at work. It was really embarrassing. I was angry about the situation with the mean, unfriendly people at work. I went off sick, this weekend. I can't face it. He was peed off that I messaged him rather than phoning in. I explained that I felt embarrassed phoning up crying and he said he would "accept this" this time but going forward, he expects me to phone in. That's me put in my place, then. Of course, no concern about how I'm feeling. 

I feel like I couldn't give  toss about anything, anymore.

I feel bitter with the world. I'm definitely not well at the moment. Personality traits are flaring up.

Hi @Freda . Sorry to hear what's happening to you atm I haven't read your diary but I will take time later to read. I'm fairly new here but when I read people's diaries the threads are common and the fragility of people's mental health seems to be a compounding factor I know mine is. You sound like you were depressed / anxious before this event . I don't work anymore but I remember episodes like you describe well. Are you still seeking help? Keep your chin up and don't let others pull you down. I sometimes think that social media can be as poisonous as gambling gets in your head causes paranoia hence I don't do social media. Hope you can sort it out. Best wishes