Going to keep this thread now!

All you can do ?

Long as I behave myself today, it's 37 weeks since my last gamble.

it has been 38 weeks since I last gambled.

Brilliant keep going. I'm on 15weeks now !!

Thanks, Charlieboy!

Well done on the time under your belt.

Life is busy and I don't have a lot of time to spend on the forum, as for some reason, although it seems good to touch base occasionally and remind myself why I can't gamble etc. , anything more than that seems to make it more likely. Not sure why....I think it reminds me how much I used to love it, or something.

Anyway - trigger warning coming - I understand it can trigger urges for people to describe gambling episodes/amounts etc. but I want to briefly describe recent gambling behaviour, in order to be honest and transparent here. I occasionally buy a lotto lucky dip. It doesn't seem to trigger ME but everyone is different. I've decided to treat anything £2 or less, if it's lotto related, as not a lapse. As long as that was £2 maximum in at least a week.

I feel I lapsed, momentarily, a couple of weeks ago, on a scratchcard. It was due to basically not having a plan B. I thought there was a draw that night and when the shop guy said there wasn't - I felt at a loss, like I'd wanted to have £2 on that night, in the way healthy people do. I don't use it as escapism from life anymore but very occasionally, I will want to be in with a chance, as a little "treat", if it's been a very dull, boring, stressful week. Literally just wanting a little dose of dopamine but not relying on it as a regular source at all. So, unable to place a £2 lotto draw wager, I bought one scratchcard. I know I cannot do this more than once in a blue moon without awakening the gambling addict inside me. It was £2, two weeks ago. Apart from that, and literally £5-6 this year, spent solely on lotto draws, that is the sum of my gambling when I describe how many weeks it has been since I last gambled.

So, complete transparency given, it is 42 weeks since I last gambled.

I now have a new bathroom, with a shower fitted, to show for my abstinence. Life is much better when I don't gamble.

Life sounds good freda.. You seem to exercise discipline and control well. 

I think. Hope all this lockdown isn't wearing you down.

Much love my friend 

Boo 

?

Awwww, thanks, Boo.

Weirdly, I gambled again.

I have been vegan for almost 5 years and I have been eating things with milk and egg in, too. I just didn't give a plop. I don't know what it is, a let out of pressure, a desire for dopamine, sensation seeking. Probably all of them. 

I gambled away £50. Have self-excluded from that site now. I signed up to Gamstop but it may have expired. Blocks still work on other websites, it was weird. I got an email offering a "free" £5. Ha! Caught me in a weak moment and fell for it. 

There is so much anger around. Someone was really rude to me at work, last night. I said hello and he just glared daggers at me. The other two people present didn't do anything to help. I would have spoken to the person, to show warmth. Sometimes when someone acts like that and everyone stays silent, it can seem as though the are conspiring with the person. I had tried to encourage his partner to consider more balanced evidence about Covid, on Facebook. It has really got her freaking out. I wasn't nasty at all but I guess some people can't disagree and still be civil. 

It got me really shaky and angry, he was like a 3 year old. It really is a toxic place, though. Full of spoiled people who have very little integrity. All they talk about is their purchases and holidays. Bleurgh! Boring.

Thank you for your message hun, really appreciate it ?

Sounds like you're struggling a bit with that nasty addiction...its easy to lapse and so hard to bounce back but you got it in you! Please reinstall blocks! They do work.

Sorry to hear about work. There are always toxic ppl in work places..dont engage, try to do your thing and move on. Some loves to suck energy out of us..but we can block them emotionally..distance our souls away.

Your guy sounds like a lovely soul. Im happy for you both ?..and you're right, best present of all is a nice gesture and thought..it costs nothing and its worth so much more!

Many hugs and love hun...thank you again. I feel a lot better today ??

S&B xx

Stay safe and well..and of course - warm xx

Thanks, S

I just hate dealing with toxic people. I was comfort eating when I got home from work, last night. Just wanted a cuddle from my man but the cats needed me to be there, as it had been firework night.

I'm such a constructive, positive, resourceful person. I would much rather be self-employed. I have a tiny mortgage, so I could field all of the financial uncertainty. The amount of energy it takes from me, dealing with difficult people, it would be put to better use, pursuing my own profit and gain. I can deal with difficult customers very easily, it's difficult co-workers that I find upsetting. Little snide comments, bitchy looks, sniggers. I'm so over that level of stuff. I just don't want to be around it. BUT Covid has cut that avenue off for many people. I will make some jewellery and see if I can sell that, but unlikely to be substantial income.

I am really, really sick of nasty people. I am apparently everyone's effing punchbag right now. 

One of the bullies at work, last night, said to another colleague right in front of me "she better not try and start an argument with me tonight". Like, what kind of psychopath does that?!! She aggresses at people like that and then is surprised when people don't like it. I have never, once started an argument with her! She is a nasty piece of work and speaks to people like poo. I hate passive aggression. It is cowardly and manipulative. She is a horrible person. I feel rage when she speaks to me like that. Always making barbed comments.

I feel so alone.

Thanks, Stace

My boyfriend ended up softening and coming and getting me. I stayed at his and slept for ages.

He'd been really cold earlier. I was distressed and he was just looking angry. I just wanted a hug, someone to be kind to me.

I feel better for a sleep. 

I've got a PIP assessment in half an hour. Last thing I need. 

I don't trust them at all. I have had previous experience of them twisting things to try and justify stopping my payments. I've had them do it just before Christmas, before, as well. 

I've got pre-written statements to read out, if I feel they're asking something in order to trick me into saying something they can twist. For example, I know someone whose cat miaowed in the background, once. They asked if it was that person's cat and then used it to say they must be functioning well, if they are able to care for an animal. It's proper s**m behaviour. If the person knew they had an ulterior motive, they could have explained that their partner takes care of the animal and if they became single, they'd have to rehome the animal. It's not a sign of that person functioning well, they just twist things. It's like saying if someone has kids - well you either are not functioning, in which case we will take your kids into care, or you are functioning, so we'll stop your payments. Rather than saying, we recognise you need support, we need you to take responsibility and not have more children while you are in this condition but we will support you, as we realise they are better off with you, than in care.

It's just presuming the worst of everyone, due to a small minority who will play the system no matter what they do, ultimately leaving hundreds of thousands of already vulnerable people in worse dispair and poverty. 

What a surprise! I got asked if I have a job and if I have any pets. Total s**m.

Sorry to hear your bad experience with Pip I've been very lucky theyve been amazing with me.

Was you not receiving pip for this assessment as I thought they had extended all reviews 

Hope you get the outcome you need x

Thanks, Loulou

Yeah it has been extended a bit and I was overdue for reassessment. To be honest, I'm probably on the border of who would qualify for the help but it's when they ask sneaky questions to try and misrepresent what you say, it makes me angry. It's an abuse of power and they shouldn't have targets for things like that. I know a mental health worker who was supported a job centre worker who had attempted suicide because of the pressure he was under to meet his targets to sanction people's benefits. It's a disgusting system. I'm glad you have been treated better. Thing is, if you have been hospitalised they take that as a sign you are genuine. It's so wrong - if I didn't have a loving partner and a couple of kind friends, I would have been hospitalised too. Anyway, it is what it is. If it gets stopped, I will have such a low income that life will be much more stressful and precarious and I may deteriorate. The system seems to set people up to fail, in my experience.