Going to keep this thread now!

I'm really low again, my resilience is low and it's hard to talk to people or trust them. Someone at work bit my head off today and spoke to me like I was stupid, I wanted to cry for ages and had a cry on my break. It was really hard to get through the shift.

Sounds like you did get through the shift though... so well done to you! 🙂

Lots of people around with poor mental health and personality disorders (have a read of my latest entry). Society seems a bit sicker a bit more stressed out post lock downs. maybe its just me.

Crying is natures way of healing of course, so that's no bad thing. I quite often go to the edge of tears but then pull back. The upbringing and socialisation of the male prevents it... sigh

Keep trucking along... hugs (((( )))) 

Thanks, SA

I feel a lot better today, although I still feel a bit run down.

I've been thinking a lot today about sensitivity. I find it really difficult to be around harsh people. I don't know how to toughen up. Like, how much is me blaming other people and how much is human nature and understandable? Like, I think a lot of people are very rude and insensitive, I think. Do I just notice it more? 

I feel more insecure and neurotic than I have in years. Feel like I'm going backwards.

I feel like I don't have an awful lot to say. I am still a bit depressed and sleeping quite a bit.

It's hard to do the simple stuff at the moment, like getting my work uniform ready. I was 10 minutes late for work, yesterday, at the library. Thankfully they are quite laid back there. It's not like me, though. I'm not myself.

I'm grateful for feeling a bit better than I did before, though. Not feeling so tearful. It's a feeling of wanting to hibernate. Wanting a break from the world. I had a week off work, not so long ago but it didn't feel enough. At least I haven't been off sick for a while. 

I think the past month has shaken me up for a few reasons. My confidence in my ability to cope, has been shaken but last month I had a lot of bleeds and felt hormonal the whole time, practically. It's a lot easier to navigate a day or two of moodiness, like normal. This was very hard! Things had been better for me, lately, hormonally, but it has started going nuts again. The tension and irritability is awful. Then that guy messing me about. It messed with my head, a bit. I know he was unstable and immature but I had someone saying nice things to me and now they have gone. Dalliances like that, remind me how much I miss touch, hugs and affection. I suppose a bit like a gambling lapse, where it reawakens the feelings of longing and it gets a bit harder for a while. Cravings.

Anyway, I think it would be good to reflect on some things I'm grateful for.

1) I'm grateful for a warm, safe, home and enough money to put the heating on. I know a lot of people will have a very grim winter, this year.

2) I'm grateful for having had my own home for almost 3 years now. 

3) I'm grateful for my cat keeping me company, on an evening.

4) I'm grateful for the gym. An affordable way to get out of the house and be around people, even if you don't interact much.

5) I'm grateful that dancing is on again, on a Sunday. I haven't been back yet but will go soon.

6) I'm grateful for small achievements that help enhance my health - I fasted for 17 hours last night. 

7) I'm grateful for savings. I can cover a few emergencies without much worry.

8) I'm grateful for the money I got back from my driving instructor, for lessons I hadn't taken. I was surprised he gave me a full refund.

9) I'm grateful for this forum. I don't have as much time to spend on here, anymore but it's helpful to pop into the chat and have a bit of connection when I'm struggling.

10) I'm grateful for my health. 

Hi... yes good to reflect and be grateful.

I should do my own gratitude list.

A week off work is never enough really. You just stop thinking about work and then your back again. Its just a brief rest really.

Is good to sleep, rejuvenates mind body and soul.

x

Another disappointing dating experience.

Wasn't feeling much chemistry. This guy said he'd been depressed in the past but claimed to be OK now but he seemed very flat and devoid of life and passion. Anyway, two dates in, I'm not feeling it. Debating whether to give it one more date... then I text him on my way home from work, late at night 10.20pm or so, saying some weird bloke is trying to befriend me on the bus. He replies "oh dear, you just have a friendly face that attracts people, lol". I'm thinking "is this dude stupid, or something?!" then, ten minutes later "goodnight, I'm off to bed" No interest whatsoever in if I'm OK, if I got home safe or anything. Bye bye, Steve. Bye bye.

What is wrong with people?!

So, I get to work today, to find my ex was in for a job interview yesterday. Yep, he thinks that's appropriate, apparently. Trying to get a job in my shop. Freak.

Well, not much to say.

I'm still lonely. I'm getting fitter, though still putting on weight. 

Not gambling.

I'm feeling a really strong pull to hibernate and just rest. I'm working my 6th day in a row, today. I cannot wait for a day off tomorrow.

Gambled last night. Was just fed up and didn't care anymore. Back on the wagon.

Hey Freda,

Sorry to read about your mental self harm few days ago. It's extremely  slippery slope when we are at our most vulnerable  state.

I read few posts back and cannot help but think if the mindset was brought to this state by sheer exhaustion and a bit of flat feelings building  up to this final choice you made?

Wellbeing  is at our forefront  however  to maintain  it can be very tricky as you know yourself. 

Look after  yourself,  you and I know that gambling  is not and never was a solution.  It will never even make us feel better in a long run, quite opposite....

Hugs and warm wishes!

S&B xx

Hope your ok freda xx

Back on the wagon. Nice to hear 🙂 x

Hi all,

thanks and yes, I feel a flatness and deep exhaustion that is difficult to shake off. 

No particularly dark thoughts, just feeling too tired to push myself into a forward or upward momentum. It is what it is.

Hi Freda,

Try & take the view that tomorrow's another day. If you've remained GF or relapsed, everyone deserves another ( not 2nd or 3rd ) but another chance to stop. I think you think it's a comfort but honestly it isn't. Wether you choose to gamble or not you're respected on here, Your support for others has been amazing & the least we can do is be here for you in difficult times.

Best

AL