Going to keep this thread now!

Its never easy this time of year is it?

I find a nice walk in nature helps a bit.

🙂 x

Aww, thanks, guys. Just rare occasions I feel so weary, I just haven't got resistance in me. It's maybe once or twice a year. I thank my lucky stars, that although I am most definitely a CG, I don't tend to launch into insanely huge and financially devastating binges after one slip. They sometimes lead to a chasing episode (this one did) but I quickly pull myself back and get back to where I was. 

I know it's not helpful to talk numbers, but the two episodes together amounted to around the £100 mark, in lost money, so I'm able to get back on the horse and get back to taking one day at a time, without consequences following me for months or years. 

I understand that I DO need to work my recovery whenever I can because this is progressive and it can get away from you, before you know it.

I recognised I had a problem fairly quickly, so although I do take it seriously and know it's always best if I don't gamble, I don't have a devastating rock bottom to refer to. It is what it is.

Do I seek out other activities that are healthy and support me to feed my soul? Yes. Have there been extra barriers in place, making these hard to access recently? Yes. Not an excuse, just a sober look at the lie of the land.

Hey,

Good to see your update and I admire how you are approaching  "the situation ". Beating yourself  up never helps and also brushing  it under the carpet neither  but you seem to find the middle here, accepting  having  a problem and acknowledging the consequences  such choices brings.

Kudos to you ?!

Regarding  mentioning  amounts. I admit that seeing winnings used to trigger me a bit and force me "into action" (self triggered choice!) but I think it may be healthy  and therapeutic  to talk figures to see the overall picture of what we are doing  to ourselves. 

How much is a lot for one? Well..how long is a piece of string huh. Its all very different  for individual  cases.

For example...I started at 20p spins...yeah! No more and beat myself up so much for loosing £20 after a "days game". Fast forward many years on - we are talking £1600 a session(5-7hrs). I guess its just how terribly  it escalates. These figures makes my eyes tear up but...what's  lost is lost.

Eventually  I remember  (earlier this year) I desperately  P****d money on sites I very well knew I will not be able to claim  from. Dodgy ones...just shows how urges can take over common sense and also proves in a way that its not exactly  about winning/recouping huh.....its the action we desire!

I suppose you like most of us on here, also had periods  of gambling  for loosing. The state we find ourselves  where we gamble to lose so the nightmare  is over quicker.  Had many occasions like that.   

That's  it...my figure talk is up lol...if GC sees it inappropriate.. well, been a while since I was on moderation ?

I also hear how you're feeling  recently.  Jab or not, put short and cold days to the mix and we all would prefer to stay in the warm slumber 24/7. I think many people gets a dip this time of the year however I do not discount  that something exceptionally strange is happening  too as I never in my life felt so exhausted and flat like I did on couple  occasions  this year. These episodes last for like 5 days for me and I'm just a human being in coma. Seriously,  to have no energy to get up is quite  frightening!

Regarding  love and dates and blahhh blahhhh.....don't look for love elsewhere  until you love/ treasure  yourself first ?❤. Nobody will ever love you as  much as you can yourself  so please be kind to you, find inner spark and get bk out there when YOU are ready! I'm sure time will come and it will be worth the wait!

Hope you're having  a good day....me....?3hrs sleep and no naps...so tonight  will be fun ?..wish me luck to stay awake ?

Later hun

S&B xx

You pulled yourself back from the brink, so give yourself credit for an element of self-control. Trust me its a very scary place when your down to your last few quid with eon's of time till the next pay day and no access to new money. I think what happens with me, is that once iv'e lost a bunch of money I start to lose "hope" and then i just don't care anymore. Once in that mind set am doomed. Thankfully its been a little while since that scenario has played out.

Like you say we work recovery as best we can x

Thanks, guys.

Sorry I haven't been here, much. I have not succumbed again but have been busy and very exhausted.

I have met a new man. He is treating me well, so far. We will see, lol.

Just feel such a lot of exhaustion, on top of day-to-day life, atm. 

Hey f!

Another man another  adventure.  Good on ya for keeping searching. They say, if you won't look, you won't  find!

Hope he treats you well and you feel supported and cared for.

Take it easy and keep looking  after  yourself 

S&B xx

Thanks, San

Well, it is still going well. He is quite intense and wants to spend a lot of time with me. He has a temper! He's not controlling or jealous, like my ex but he gets annoyed if kept waiting. 

We had a drive out into the countryside on Saturday and had a great time but he got annoyed when I took a while, popping into the pub, for a wee. I don't feel comfortable using facilities without buying something. I ordered a takeaway coffee but it took a few minutes for the machine to heat up. He was in a huff for a bit but he acknowledged that I took longer because I was trying to show consideration for the toilet providers, I acknowledged it might have been better and quicker - more considerate to him, to buy a bag of crisps. We seemed to sort it out quickly enough. I think energetically, I have taken a step back, to assess if I can live with this temper. I never ever feel unsafe like he might hurt me. I just don't feel good around too much anger. It's draining.

It feels less threatening than exes anger. He acknowledges it and feels it and accepts it's part of who he is - I think the denial of exes inner rage, was way more sinister. I don't know if that makes sense or not. He's aware of it and it's integrated. He feels it and then is able to let it go. I think if you don't let yourself feel it, acknowledge it, it sticks and metastisises like cancer.

It's definitely good for me and my own personal journey, to get used to tolerating some anger in others. I used to be afraid of it, as it made my mother terrifying and unpredictable. It's just as unhealthy to not allow others to experience a reasonable level of anger and still be accepted.

The journey continues. I feel able to manage my own emotional wellbeing and do what I need to do, to be OK. That is the main thing.

Hiya... All the best with your new fella. I hear what you say, but tread carefully. Getting angry over the little things in life might be a sign of deeper issues or maybe not.

Take care... S.A x

Thanks, SA

Yeah, I got pretty upset last night, as I had slipped into tiptoeing around trying to not do anything to make him angry. I got anxious and overwhelmed and had a meltdown. 

He said he knows he can be a d**k. Moody and highly strung. We talked about it and he said he doesn't expect me to tiptoe around him, he gets annoyed easily but gets over it and lets it go. I explained that it was making me feel like he judged me, or liked me less, every time he got annoyed. It made me feel like I was getting on his nerves or he didn't think I was good enough.

He says he adores me and is just like that with everyone. That he's never once considered breaking up with me. I said that makes me feel more secure. I'm going to see if I can deal with it. He is so lovely to me and nothing is too much trouble. I said I have been quite submissive and apologetic up until now, as I don't like arguing - but I will probably get more assertive and just leave or refuse to interact with him, when he's in a mood. I might get angry back, if I think he's being really unreasonable. He says he wouldn't mind that, as he often feels he's been an idiot afterwards.

We'll see. He says I need to put myself first more and just be blunt and say I don't want to see him that night, if I'm sick of his moodiness. 

It is what it is.

Hi Freda,

Now forgive  me, but this last post is really worrying  me. Its not right for you to tiptoe around someone....and , speaking from experience ( me being the one to make others feel like they need to walk on eggshells) - this will only end up in tears and pain.

I see that you're  already expressing how you feel to him, so really hope things can take a turn now...find the solution  but please don't sacrifice  your happiness/freedom and future with someone  who will only lead you to miserable, confused,  doubtful  and sad life...esp if you notice he is starting  to guilt trip you at this stage.

You ARE NOT A VICTIM to his behaviour, you are better and worthy only best things!! .& just maybe he needs therapy  as soon as to start learning  how to manage his moods..etc.

Did not want to upset you with this post...but,...one knows one and so please don't  take my words lightly. 

If won't speak to you by Xmas - have a lovely  and magical  time ?

S&B xx

I do hear you both, only the passage of time will tell how much this is a problem.

I am aware of all of the possibilities, good and bad.

No offence taken at all. I am not walking away right now but will if it starts getting to me again.

Well, SB, sadly you were on the money.

He will not improve without making a serious effort to do better. Therapy probably would be best but I'm not sure he will do it.

I'm sheepish writing this down, I ignored my own standards to continue on, until now. I think I knew already but it takes me a bit of time to accept and come to terms with these things.

So.... I'd like to write down a few of the worst things, so people understand how bad this was and please do tell me to shake my head, if I think about taking him back.

On Christmas day, he had a go at me for having no manners. I was drunk and I don't remember exactly what happened - he still can't remember himself, conveniently - but I referred to poo apparently, at the dinner table. Now, while this is possible....he honestly went on as though I am obsessed with it and went on for ages. He does this a lot, exaggerates what I've done. Massive red flag in itself. Anyway, it was just us two and he wasn't eating his meal but he said I said something while he was cooking and it put him off his food. I can imagine me saying that I hadn't managed to poo that day, or I hope I can have one, but that really would have been the worst it would have been. He made a very nasty comment, "well some of us weren't dragged up not to have any manners" or something like this. I was sick of his attitude - all he had to say was "howay, I'm cooking my dinner". That's the sort of thing someone without anger issues would do. Not him. It's the lack of basic respect that scares me, most. 

We argue back and forth a bit and I decide I'd rather walk the 2 miles home, than put up with his sheet. He follows me but can't keep up because he has a bad ankle. I make it very clear that I don't want him to follow me, this isn't a dramatic flounce, I really do want to get away from him. He calls me a "cold c-word" because I won't slow down. Even in drink and anger, I'm shocked this wasn't enough for me. I was so worn down and felt he would follow me all the way home, that I went back with him, silent, crying and defeated.

He gets nastier every time. I also notice he is a hypocrite and the things he gets angry with me for, he does himself. I tread on eggshells all last night, because he was in a bad mood. I think I've managed to get through the night without an argument and go to bed. He comes up and makes some spiteful comment about how the start of the year has been ruined. I ask him wearily, "what have I done?" he says the cliched "if you don't know, I can't tell you". I refuse to get drawn into an argument but my heart starts pounding and fluttering, I don't like hostility, drama and arguments and I have to get up for work in the morning. I go downstairs away from him and it takes me 2 hours to calm my body down enough to sleep.

I can't be bothered to describe any more. Do you know what? it's just blah, blah, blah. 

I'm done. I'm worth more.

Hey & happy New year!

I'm a bit puzzled reading  your last post. Not sure what you expected  him to say to "poo" conversation.  I can think of far worse responses such "that's  disgusting " or...dishing  your plate saying  "hope it smells of roses". The point I'm getting  at here is,..ummm...he responded  to something  you said. You  can either make it lighthearted joke out of it or be serious  and feel offended. He chose the latter response  obvs.

Relationship  does not sound very healthy anyway and I guess you did the right thing stepping  back, at least for now.

I get that you want someone  by your side and tbf I see the the trait in your actions in changing partner's  like socks almost but would it not be better just to take a proper step back, nurture and care for yourself first before you jump on another ship? Which hopefully  would not be sinking. 

It's my opinion  and only good thoughts and wishes intended  but f....you need to take of yourself first and get stringer within  to be able to fight for what is right for you and not others.

S x

I don't understand, SB. Are you saying I over-reacted to him lashing out? It's a very scathing comment where I'm from, to say someone was "dragged up" it means you weren't raised properly and are s**m. When I read my post back, it just sounds so silly, all that drama over stupid things. I was fine with someone criticising me or asking "can you not?" it's the very nasty, venomous way he spits things out as though I'm worse than s**m. It's almost hateful. It's hard to explain in writing but he's very hostile. The disrespectful attitude. No man has ever called me a c*** in all of my years. I don't deserve it.

I think it's a little harsh to say I change my relationships like socks! I walk away if someone becomes abusive or treats me badly. I would love nothing better than to meet someone who was a nice, stable person. The men I have met recently have been lovely for a month or so, then show their real selves. I think the part that I am unhealthy about, is, I do allow things to move quite quickly. It's the part I can own and try to change. I cannot help it if someone becomes abusive.

Anyway, it is what it is. 

Hi Freda... Just been mulling over your recent thoughts. Must admit I do have the greatest respect for you in the sense that you are pre-pared to take risks and get into a relationship quite quickly in the hope that maybe just maybe it will work out... that this one will be the one! For me I live in perpetual solitude which is fine in one sense but not in another. How does the saying go.... "better to have lived and loved than never to have loved at all". Over time I think you will have a good chance of finding your Mr Right.... but from the outside looking in, your current fella, in my opinion, isn't it.

here is a quick related story. My mate has been lusting after someone at work for ages and then over christmas his desires came true... he got his oats, so to speak. Now the thing is she's now contacting him all the time, text and calls and lets do this and lets do that and my mate doesn't want to know. For him he's realise that although he fancied her he didn't actually like her very much. For fella's sometimes the s*x thing gets in the way. Do you see what am trying to say. Like you say only now is he showing his real self now, but my mate probably didn't realise whether he liked her or not until he's sown his wild oats. I guess this type of story has been told time and time again since the dawn of humanity lol

Good luck with whatever you decide to do 🙂

P.s Am not suggesting that your fella thinks this way about you.