Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks, SA

I think I'd rather find out if someone really does like me properly, within a few months. For me, it's better that way, so I don't get really heartbroken and deeply attached. I don't sleep with men straight away and haven't got a list of conquests as long as war and peace. I'm not really sure what wrong impression I've given in my diary?! haha! I definitely agree that some men change their attitude a lot, after they get laid. Of course. This is definitely not a case of being used for a jump, though. He wants to get back together, wants to be with me - he just has a nasty temper. The temper arose before things became intimate. It was not nasty, at this point, mind. Just a bit dramatic and highly strung. 

In terms of the men that will lose interest after getting what they want - surely this is going to happen after a few months of celibate, good, clean fun, so I don't get the difference? If they don't like me on a deeper level, that will be true after one month or 5 months. 

I've met a couple of toxic men within 6 months of each other. It happens. Before that, I was in a relationship for 18 months and before that, single and celibate for 2 years or more. I dated but never saw anyone more than a couple of times. 

I want to make it clear to anyone reading this, that I know I don't have to explain, or justify myself. If I were a man, no-one would think anything of it. I could sleep with a different man every week and I'd be fine with that, if it was what I wanted. Sisters - get your oats as often as you want! Eff the patriarchy! lol.

... yes I hear what you say.

Like you say, we don't have a to justify nothing.

Life is to be enjoyed, so am told 🙂

Hope all good and well with you x

Thanks, SA. I agree he probably isn't the one for me.

It's both incredibly sweet and incredibly tragic, that I wait to see if people will improve. I don't wait as long as I used to. There is a famous quote : when someone shows you who they are, believe them. This is a very wise truth. We've spent some time together a couple of times since. It isn't the same, the bubble has burst. It makes me sad that I don't ask for that much but struggle to find it. I guess the ones left on the shelf at my age, are not always the cream of the crop.

I've stopped not doing things he doesn't like. It will run it's course, I think, before too long. I very much just wanted to get through the incredibly isolating time of Christmas and New Year, with a bit of company. 

We went for a meal on Saturday evening and he moaned throughout and was very difficult to engage in any conversation. I don't really like him much as a person, lol.

It is what it is. I'm not gambling in general, but buy the odd ticket for the lotto. 

I hear what you say. I do get the isolation thing but for me i'd much rather sit in quiet contemplation or go for a walk or eat cake than spend time with someone I didn't really like, for the sake of a bit of company, but I can appreciate where your coming from. Am probably just over use to my own company.

Hope all's good and well 🙂

This week has felt brutal with a capital B

My biggest trigger is people being overly harsh in judgement of me - for example claiming I've shouted a torrent of abuse in their face, when the reality is I maybe was slightly abrupt without any raise in volume of my voice, even. Do you know what I mean? Treating me like I've been horrible when I've just been human. Gaslighting, basically.

I had a parent do it to me from childhood, so sometimes I feel absolute rage, if it's really unfair and outrageous. To try and emotionally regulate that strength of emotion, without reacting, is exhausting.

So, abusive man-fool. He'd been moody, frosty, distant for days. We were texting one evening and I said I was frustrated I'd sabotaged my hard work in the gym, by pigging out with food that night. He replied that "it's not sabotage when you do it to yourself, it's called weakness." Why on earth anyone would say this to another person, is beyond me - let alone your boyfriend who claims they love you. Now, this is a kind of tough love approach that can be OK in some scenarios but the recipient needs to be OK with it, otherwise it's just unkind and rude.

I tried to indicate it had hurt, jokingly. "Oh, you're right, I'm just a weak pathetic person! thanks for that" to which he replied with a "like" thumb. "Wow, you are so harsh!" I said. "Not with you" was his reply. I mean, I can't even..... Just, wow.

Next day I ask how he is, he says he's a bit down. I said I was sorry to hear that and I want to be supportive and help him but he needs to speak to me more kindly than he did last night. His response? "do you think it might have hit a raw nerve?" Basically, it only upset you because you know deep down that you are weak. I don't need that kind of abuse and negativity in my life. We have split up. I told him I don't allow anyone to speak to me that way and I was sorry he thought it was OK to speak to anyone like that. He had the nerve to say that this was me being "very nasty" I went right up to his face and said "how dare you". That was that. But it enraged me, that he had the gall to say my setting a boundary was very nasty.

Two days after this, I email a dance teacher really politely, to say I want to give my place to someone on the waiting list, as the class size had been increased and it felt a bit cramped to me, so I wouldn't really enjoy it. It's an expressive dance class, where you're encouraged to "let go" and express yourself. So, I made the comment "you can't really let go" right after explaining that I don't enjoy it when it feels cramped (because you can't let go). She took it upon herself to email me asking why I had lashed out in anger and was this a behaviour that was serving me? What affect is it having on my relationships with people around me? Again, massive trigger. I hadn't flipping done anything. I'd even used smiley emoji's and hearts to make it clear it was all good. Now for a virtual stranger to act as though I was lashing out felt so painful. It turns out, she'd interpreted my wording in a really strange and paranoid way and had decided to address my angry acting out behaviour - that didn't actually exist!!!! She thought "you can't really let go" was an attack on her character because she didn't like letting people down, by having a waiting list for her class. I mean, Jesus!   

So I've had a lot of other people's anger and paranoia projected onto me, when I've literally done nothing wrong. 

If you haven't been emotionally abused, you might not understand how disregulating this is. Please, if you have nothing nice to say, please don't say anything.

On top of this, I have worked six days out of seven, with all of this going on and dealt with some behaviour from the general public, that would challenge the patience of a saint.

@freda 

Hi

There was a lot of pain in my life and I use to transfer my pins fears and frustrations in aggressive ways, and some times I did not even know it. 

When I was vulnerable when people were even slightly vulnerable like my self take things personnally on myself.

My emotional triggers were pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my loneliness and isolation a trigger,  and my boredom.

When I reacted in unhealthy ways I wanted to blame the world, for my unhealthy reactions.

Hence in meetings there is not cross talking because emotions and feelings things can get out of hand.

My parents and the adults in my child hoop were often very closed off, very high walls based on fears.

My needs and wants were never going to be fulfilled by these hurt people living in their fears.

I eve started to think that I was unlovable because there was no affection cuddles or nurturing.

I found out in my recovery I could not love other people until I learned to love myself.

Beating our self up or other people is not healthy yet I could not stop reacting in unhealthy ways.

The word weakness was not correct or healthy for me , I was not weak I was how ever emotionally vulnerable. 

In recovery I understood that f ull confrontational aggression helps no one or myself.

Having some one in recovery would help talk me down to a more stable emotional state.

Living in anger and fear was not healthy for me. 

My lashing out in pain was adversely affecting me and people close to me and was very unhealthy.

Worked six days out of seven, is very hard on you and your body.

The more you get in to your recovery the more you will be tested, more and more often that is how it works.

It is how we deal with people or unhealthy people tells how much we are in our recovery.

Love and peace to you.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Thanks Dave. I'm not really sure if that was expressing your truth, or projecting onto me. I wish you peace. I disagree that setting a very clear boundary that it's not OK to speak to me in a disrespectful and hostile way, is lashing out. I think that responding with "how dare you" when someone calls a healthy boundary "very nasty" is fairly composed, honestly. 

I am definitely effed up. I definitely have stuff to work on. I went back to someone who'd previously been abusive and that is for me to own. No-one forced me. I do love myself but I think the reason I give second chances, is because I want a happy ending. I want people to realise that their behaviour is not OK and to improve. This is a control issue. I want them to change. Not to change to suit my every whim, to change to show me the basic respect and dignity that is a bare minimum, in a healthy, safe relationship. To wake up.

I'm possibly replaying a parental relationship, like a repetition compulsion. Trying to change history. However, I need to accept that once those basic boundaries are crossed, it's my cue to leave.

Stuff I can take responsibility for:

1) I allowed this person to demand that the past was forgotten and to move forward with him, as though it had never happened.

2) When we initially split up, I set a boundary which I later abandoned. I said we could be friends to each other but that change within an intimate relationship would only come with serious effort to work on it, ideally alongside a professional. That this would take time, at least a number of months.

3) He was verbally abusive toward me within 2 days of "trying again". I stayed. He apologised straight after and admitted he'd taken his anger out on me - BUT I felt frightened and didn't leave.

4) I feel like contacting him. What the heck is that about?! I won't but it's very hard to resist. 

5) I'm still running the program that the love I was initially shown, might come back. Intermittent reinforcement. He's activated the same programming as a fruit machine does.

I feel better and have gotten a few things done, around the house. I'm still in pain, still missing the intermittent and unpredictable love I was receiving. This will pass. I need to interrupt and break the programming. Neuroplasticity - this program will eventually expire and be extinguished. A new, healthy program can be formed.

It really hurts.

@freda 

Hi Freda

I would like to think that I am sharing my journey of my recovery and how I healed the pains and my fears I was hiding in.

In setting a boundary will not change another person, if a person is unable to respect them self they are unable to respect me.

The decision to walk away from some one who is a threat to you is very healthy, they will get the essage but it often takes many repeats of walking away.

You say you are definitely effed up.

Would that mean you are recognizing that you are a very unhealthy vulnerable person.

I have stuff to work on every day.

Going back to someone who'd previously been abusive, di you think that have or would change with out getting help.

You love yourself how do you show it.

You give people second chances, do you think that they will get better on their own, with out any help.

I do know for sure I was never going to become a healthy person on my own

For happy ending both people need or want to work together on it.

I do understand that my mother lived in fear most of her life.

Yet at the end of her life she did not live in fear of me as I had become no longer a threat to her or take advantage of her kindness.

Before my mother died I explained to her that in the past there were many unhealthy things done and said which were unhealthy, what I want you to know today is the past no longer matters and I want you to know that today I love you unconditionally and that is what counts today now.

To learn from our past and not live in it.

The simple fact for me was parents were not that healthy, they often did to us those thing that were done to them.

My trying to change history is about taking every unhealthy habit and changing those in to a healthy habit .

1) You allowed a person to demand that the past was forgotten

That was not healing the past that was suppressing it.

That is putting you head in the sand and forgetting it, not healing the pains at all and is not learning from our pasts.

2) When we initially split up, I set a boundary which I later abandoned. Often one person has needs and wants another person is unable to meet. Up on acceptance that is always going to be the case one has to walk away and find a much healthier relationship.

I said we could be friends to each other can we have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.

3) He was verbally abusive toward me within 2 days of "trying again". I stayed. He apologised straight after and admitted he'd taken his anger out on me - BUT I felt frightened and didn't leave.

Do you think that living in fear would help you or him and your relationship with your self.

4) I feel like contacting him. What the heck is that about?! I won't but it's very hard to resist. 

Setting a boundary is about respecting and loving your self more and saying exit stage left.

5) I'm still running the program that the love I was initially shown, who showed you the love you know you deserve to have for your self.

Being motivated getting things done helps us in so many ways having lists written down helps me stay focused.

I am sorry to hear you are still in pain and not healing those pains,

Is wanting unpredictable love healthy, being a loving person is a steady constant thing, people being erratic indicates instability. 

I find in my recovery I both want sand need healthy stability, it helps in me in so many ways, the old days were very erratic and what I thought was love was not so for me, because I felt so emotionally vulnerable I use to make my family feel  emotionally vulnerable, what I both wanted and needed was safe security in my life not living in fear any more. 

It was only when I accepted the fact to myself that I was doing and saying some very unhealthy things could I do some thing about it.

By admitting to my pains and feeling those pains could I find a way to heal those pains.

Some pains in my life were so bad that I use to bury and suppress those pains, sadly the hurt inner child use to lash out in his pain and in rage.

Thank you for coming back to me

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Hi Freda... To follow on from your thoughts. I listen to some of my colleagues at work, ranting and raving about some of the people that we support and I think to self... its wasted energy. I think to myself, its not my job to try and change someone's behaviour but to either adapt to it appropriately or report it if the behaviour is problematic. I find myself adapting like a comelian to get along with whomever I am working with. I think that whilst change can happen at any age I don't see it as my job to try and change someone. It doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated but at the end of the day "they are what they are and I am what I am".

Clearly a work situation is different from a personal relationship, but like you say yourself, it seems like you have been "played", quite literally, intermittent reward. The only solution is to stop being played. If the person is not changing themselves, initiating by themselves and for themselves, it ain't gonna happen. same principle with recovery from addiction, any addiction.

You know all of this of course, but like you say, its hard, to do things different and change ingrained patterns of behaviour. Its just d**n hard.

Dave, this isn't GA. I get the tough love approach they use but it's unkind in the days following a big hurt. I'm perfectly capable of seeing how effed up I am, I don't need a boot in the gut while I'm on the floor. At least wait until I've stood up.

Yes, SA. I'm weakening those unhealthy programs and patterns. Thanks for the more compassionate thoughts. I'm a work in progress.

@freda 

Hi

Sadly for me going back to meetings after a break out was very hard for me.

Sadly I now understand that some peoples reaction to your pain makes them feel uncomfortable and often people have not healed their pains so they are not able to have empathy for your or them self0.

I use to find meetings that were healthier for me even if I had to travel further.

At this time I got to talk to people who were able to help me yet not cause me more pains.

The wording you use effed up I am, only indicates how emotionally vulnerable you are.

Finding a healthy sponsor will help you in so many ways.

When you emotionally vulnerable make the call before you go back to unhealthy habits.

When you emotionally vulnerable make regular calls to a healthy sponsor, this helps.

Try not to make calls out of hours.

That was a boundary I use to set.

In meetings people body language I use to read as they were disappointed in me.

The sounds of signs only indicated how much they were feeling my pains.

We are all work and healing in progress.

One good thing because I am getting healthier my anger is rare, my fears are very few, my patience and tolerance has grown so much.

I have the choice to interact with people today or to react in unhealthy ways.

The choice is mine today.

I do hope you are able to find a healthy healing process to your pains soon.

Love and peace t every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

He really was s**m. I totally agree with SA's comments about only I can change my response to his behaviour, which was to walk away. I have done. However, I am still hurting. I discovered he beat up his ex girlfriend - I get what a lucky escape I've had - but he was trying to get back together with her the whole time I was with him. He also cheated on me, with her.

So howay everyone! Kick me while I'm down. Tell me what a stupid idiot I've been. 

Iv'e always quite admired your willingness to "get out there" and take some risks. Ok, so it hasn't worked out with this particular fella, he was a poisonous frog rather than a prince, but hey you gave it a go. It was an experience and now your moving on.

Your ok x

Your not an idiot freda, I know your hurting but sounds like you had a lucky escape. Stay strong. You've got this 

Stace x