Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks, SA

I think I'd rather find out if someone really does like me properly, within a few months. For me, it's better that way, so I don't get really heartbroken and deeply attached. I don't sleep with men straight away and haven't got a list of conquests as long as war and peace. I'm not really sure what wrong impression I've given in my diary?! haha! I definitely agree that some men change their attitude a lot, after they get laid. Of course. This is definitely not a case of being used for a jump, though. He wants to get back together, wants to be with me - he just has a nasty temper. The temper arose before things became intimate. It was not nasty, at this point, mind. Just a bit dramatic and highly strung. 

In terms of the men that will lose interest after getting what they want - surely this is going to happen after a few months of celibate, good, clean fun, so I don't get the difference? If they don't like me on a deeper level, that will be true after one month or 5 months. 

I've met a couple of toxic men within 6 months of each other. It happens. Before that, I was in a relationship for 18 months and before that, single and celibate for 2 years or more. I dated but never saw anyone more than a couple of times. 

I want to make it clear to anyone reading this, that I know I don't have to explain, or justify myself. If I were a man, no-one would think anything of it. I could sleep with a different man every week and I'd be fine with that, if it was what I wanted. Sisters - get your oats as often as you want! Eff the patriarchy! lol.

... yes I hear what you say.

Like you say, we don't have a to justify nothing.

Life is to be enjoyed, so am told 🙂

Hope all good and well with you x

Thanks, SA. I agree he probably isn't the one for me.

It's both incredibly sweet and incredibly tragic, that I wait to see if people will improve. I don't wait as long as I used to. There is a famous quote : when someone shows you who they are, believe them. This is a very wise truth. We've spent some time together a couple of times since. It isn't the same, the bubble has burst. It makes me sad that I don't ask for that much but struggle to find it. I guess the ones left on the shelf at my age, are not always the cream of the crop.

I've stopped not doing things he doesn't like. It will run it's course, I think, before too long. I very much just wanted to get through the incredibly isolating time of Christmas and New Year, with a bit of company. 

We went for a meal on Saturday evening and he moaned throughout and was very difficult to engage in any conversation. I don't really like him much as a person, lol.

It is what it is. I'm not gambling in general, but buy the odd ticket for the lotto. 

I hear what you say. I do get the isolation thing but for me i'd much rather sit in quiet contemplation or go for a walk or eat cake than spend time with someone I didn't really like, for the sake of a bit of company, but I can appreciate where your coming from. Am probably just over use to my own company.

Hope all's good and well 🙂

This week has felt brutal with a capital B

My biggest trigger is people being overly harsh in judgement of me - for example claiming I've shouted a torrent of abuse in their face, when the reality is I maybe was slightly abrupt without any raise in volume of my voice, even. Do you know what I mean? Treating me like I've been horrible when I've just been human. Gaslighting, basically.

I had a parent do it to me from childhood, so sometimes I feel absolute rage, if it's really unfair and outrageous. To try and emotionally regulate that strength of emotion, without reacting, is exhausting.

So, abusive man-fool. He'd been moody, frosty, distant for days. We were texting one evening and I said I was frustrated I'd sabotaged my hard work in the gym, by pigging out with food that night. He replied that "it's not sabotage when you do it to yourself, it's called weakness." Why on earth anyone would say this to another person, is beyond me - let alone your boyfriend who claims they love you. Now, this is a kind of tough love approach that can be OK in some scenarios but the recipient needs to be OK with it, otherwise it's just unkind and rude.

I tried to indicate it had hurt, jokingly. "Oh, you're right, I'm just a weak pathetic person! thanks for that" to which he replied with a "like" thumb. "Wow, you are so harsh!" I said. "Not with you" was his reply. I mean, I can't even..... Just, wow.

Next day I ask how he is, he says he's a bit down. I said I was sorry to hear that and I want to be supportive and help him but he needs to speak to me more kindly than he did last night. His response? "do you think it might have hit a raw nerve?" Basically, it only upset you because you know deep down that you are weak. I don't need that kind of abuse and negativity in my life. We have split up. I told him I don't allow anyone to speak to me that way and I was sorry he thought it was OK to speak to anyone like that. He had the nerve to say that this was me being "very nasty" I went right up to his face and said "how dare you". That was that. But it enraged me, that he had the gall to say my setting a boundary was very nasty.

Two days after this, I email a dance teacher really politely, to say I want to give my place to someone on the waiting list, as the class size had been increased and it felt a bit cramped to me, so I wouldn't really enjoy it. It's an expressive dance class, where you're encouraged to "let go" and express yourself. So, I made the comment "you can't really let go" right after explaining that I don't enjoy it when it feels cramped (because you can't let go). She took it upon herself to email me asking why I had lashed out in anger and was this a behaviour that was serving me? What affect is it having on my relationships with people around me? Again, massive trigger. I hadn't flipping done anything. I'd even used smiley emoji's and hearts to make it clear it was all good. Now for a virtual stranger to act as though I was lashing out felt so painful. It turns out, she'd interpreted my wording in a really strange and paranoid way and had decided to address my angry acting out behaviour - that didn't actually exist!!!! She thought "you can't really let go" was an attack on her character because she didn't like letting people down, by having a waiting list for her class. I mean, Jesus!   

So I've had a lot of other people's anger and paranoia projected onto me, when I've literally done nothing wrong. 

If you haven't been emotionally abused, you might not understand how disregulating this is. Please, if you have nothing nice to say, please don't say anything.

On top of this, I have worked six days out of seven, with all of this going on and dealt with some behaviour from the general public, that would challenge the patience of a saint.

Thanks Dave. I'm not really sure if that was expressing your truth, or projecting onto me. I wish you peace. I disagree that setting a very clear boundary that it's not OK to speak to me in a disrespectful and hostile way, is lashing out. I think that responding with "how dare you" when someone calls a healthy boundary "very nasty" is fairly composed, honestly. 

I am definitely effed up. I definitely have stuff to work on. I went back to someone who'd previously been abusive and that is for me to own. No-one forced me. I do love myself but I think the reason I give second chances, is because I want a happy ending. I want people to realise that their behaviour is not OK and to improve. This is a control issue. I want them to change. Not to change to suit my every whim, to change to show me the basic respect and dignity that is a bare minimum, in a healthy, safe relationship. To wake up.

I'm possibly replaying a parental relationship, like a repetition compulsion. Trying to change history. However, I need to accept that once those basic boundaries are crossed, it's my cue to leave.

Stuff I can take responsibility for:

1) I allowed this person to demand that the past was forgotten and to move forward with him, as though it had never happened.

2) When we initially split up, I set a boundary which I later abandoned. I said we could be friends to each other but that change within an intimate relationship would only come with serious effort to work on it, ideally alongside a professional. That this would take time, at least a number of months.

3) He was verbally abusive toward me within 2 days of "trying again". I stayed. He apologised straight after and admitted he'd taken his anger out on me - BUT I felt frightened and didn't leave.

4) I feel like contacting him. What the heck is that about?! I won't but it's very hard to resist. 

5) I'm still running the program that the love I was initially shown, might come back. Intermittent reinforcement. He's activated the same programming as a fruit machine does.

I feel better and have gotten a few things done, around the house. I'm still in pain, still missing the intermittent and unpredictable love I was receiving. This will pass. I need to interrupt and break the programming. Neuroplasticity - this program will eventually expire and be extinguished. A new, healthy program can be formed.

It really hurts.

Hi Freda... To follow on from your thoughts. I listen to some of my colleagues at work, ranting and raving about some of the people that we support and I think to self... its wasted energy. I think to myself, its not my job to try and change someone's behaviour but to either adapt to it appropriately or report it if the behaviour is problematic. I find myself adapting like a comelian to get along with whomever I am working with. I think that whilst change can happen at any age I don't see it as my job to try and change someone. It doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated but at the end of the day "they are what they are and I am what I am".

Clearly a work situation is different from a personal relationship, but like you say yourself, it seems like you have been "played", quite literally, intermittent reward. The only solution is to stop being played. If the person is not changing themselves, initiating by themselves and for themselves, it ain't gonna happen. same principle with recovery from addiction, any addiction.

You know all of this of course, but like you say, its hard, to do things different and change ingrained patterns of behaviour. Its just d**n hard.

Dave, this isn't GA. I get the tough love approach they use but it's unkind in the days following a big hurt. I'm perfectly capable of seeing how effed up I am, I don't need a boot in the gut while I'm on the floor. At least wait until I've stood up.

Yes, SA. I'm weakening those unhealthy programs and patterns. Thanks for the more compassionate thoughts. I'm a work in progress.

He really was s**m. I totally agree with SA's comments about only I can change my response to his behaviour, which was to walk away. I have done. However, I am still hurting. I discovered he beat up his ex girlfriend - I get what a lucky escape I've had - but he was trying to get back together with her the whole time I was with him. He also cheated on me, with her.

So howay everyone! Kick me while I'm down. Tell me what a stupid idiot I've been. 

Iv'e always quite admired your willingness to "get out there" and take some risks. Ok, so it hasn't worked out with this particular fella, he was a poisonous frog rather than a prince, but hey you gave it a go. It was an experience and now your moving on.

Your ok x

Your not an idiot freda, I know your hurting but sounds like you had a lucky escape. Stay strong. You've got this 

Stace x

You are most definitely NOT an idiot. You are a loving caring human being that expects to be treated in the same way..nothing stupid about that xxx

The ex girlfriend has said she is staying with him. Even though he lied to her, said we'd split up and continued to be intimate with us both. I think that's really sad but it's her choice.

What a pathetic man-child communicating through her. 

The good news is, my instincts were right. The way he was speaking to me was not normal and I'm glad I got the confirmation that he was indeed, capable of violence. He would gaslight me and minimise it but I was right. I can trust myself.

The thing I need to start doing, is to look at strategies to keep myself at an emotionally safe distance, for at least a couple of months. It's not about the physical intimacy, actually. Sometimes there is such strong chemistry that it happens sooner than you'd ideally prefer. I don't think that is automatically a sign of an unhealthy person. 

I need to be more assertive. Abusers try and make you feel like you are being immature, petty, or controlling, if you insist on being included in their social media, for example. His two excuses were: he never uses it and only has two Facebook friends, isn't even friends with his best mate or his son, on it. He showed me and it was true, it looked like he only had two Facebook friends. This other woman said he had loads of Facebook friends including her. So, he'd done something to hide the other ones, when he showed me. Maybe he'd made a duplicate profile just to palm me off. That's pretty extreme lengths to go to. I suppose why I'm describing all these details, is to show that he's extremely sly and manipulative, not just regular level. 

Thing is, though - if he did care about me and I insisted he either add me or we split up, he wouldn't let us split up over something as stupid as that, if he had nothing to hide. It's a totally normal thing to be suspicious of. A lot of people genuinely don't want to use social media because of the dangers we are becoming increasingly aware of, as in what it does to the brain but it's something I should have been more assertive with. If you have an account, I have to be included or we can't be together.  Even if he only used it to buy and sell things on marketplace, an honest person would understand why I wanted to be added, regardless. He said it was because his ex would make trouble but again, I said if she does, we both block her. He seemed to have an answer for everything. 

I'm just going to have to be aloof and hold back, in future, which isn't my natural way.

It's not so much it not working out with him, that has freaked me out and upset me - it's how badly he's lied and manipulated. Makes me feel scared of getting close to anyone.

I'm often feeling very philosophical after a hard lesson. 

Been thinking a lot today about energy. My energy has absolutely soared, since letting go of this being. When I was describing him from amidst the pain, it was very, VERY, sweary. Someone just now, reached out on social media to ask "how do you respond when someone is very patronising to you?" Do you know, the impact I was able to have, was really quite powerful. From this more positive state of mind. I said to her "do you know what? it depends what sort of place I'm in, at the time". "if I'm in a good place, I can kind of calmly observe with a gentle fondness, like a parent observing a child who is acting out. If I'm in a bad place, however, I get really P*ssy" haha! She said "Oh, you're right! I need to loosen up" To which I replied "believe me, my response last week probably would have been entirely different. This was when I was still knocking about with a right dafty."

I made her laugh and see the funny side. I said "maybe this patroniser you have just encountered, is currently knocking about with a right bunch of dafties? environment can powerfully influence our behaviour"

Anyway, I just wanted to share that experience. There is so much disfunction and discord in society at the moment. We need to steer clear of the dafties sometimes, to keep our vibes high and increase the peace, so to speak. Then, the dafties won't even bother us anymore.