Going to keep this thread now!

You are most definitely NOT an idiot. You are a loving caring human being that expects to be treated in the same way..nothing stupid about that xxx

@s-687 

Hi

Risk taking was a way of me being on a adrenaline high it was just not the gambling it was also speeding, jumping red lights, it was not healthy for me.

Making goals and fulfilling my needs was not risk taking it was an investment in to myself.

Saying he was a poisonous frog may be you mean he was a very unhealthy person who you or any one else could change or make a healthy.

That is accepting and surrender to the fact I am not able to change or regulate another person or able to make them healthier because of my actions or words.

By thinking you can change some one else you will always be disappointed in our self and your unreasonable expectations causes you to cause your self more pain.

Forgiving people is not for them it is for your own peace.

Reagrds Dave L

The ex girlfriend has said she is staying with him. Even though he lied to her, said we'd split up and continued to be intimate with us both. I think that's really sad but it's her choice.

What a pathetic man-child communicating through her. 

The good news is, my instincts were right. The way he was speaking to me was not normal and I'm glad I got the confirmation that he was indeed, capable of violence. He would gaslight me and minimise it but I was right. I can trust myself.

The thing I need to start doing, is to look at strategies to keep myself at an emotionally safe distance, for at least a couple of months. It's not about the physical intimacy, actually. Sometimes there is such strong chemistry that it happens sooner than you'd ideally prefer. I don't think that is automatically a sign of an unhealthy person. 

I need to be more assertive. Abusers try and make you feel like you are being immature, petty, or controlling, if you insist on being included in their social media, for example. His two excuses were: he never uses it and only has two Facebook friends, isn't even friends with his best mate or his son, on it. He showed me and it was true, it looked like he only had two Facebook friends. This other woman said he had loads of Facebook friends including her. So, he'd done something to hide the other ones, when he showed me. Maybe he'd made a duplicate profile just to palm me off. That's pretty extreme lengths to go to. I suppose why I'm describing all these details, is to show that he's extremely sly and manipulative, not just regular level. 

Thing is, though - if he did care about me and I insisted he either add me or we split up, he wouldn't let us split up over something as stupid as that, if he had nothing to hide. It's a totally normal thing to be suspicious of. A lot of people genuinely don't want to use social media because of the dangers we are becoming increasingly aware of, as in what it does to the brain but it's something I should have been more assertive with. If you have an account, I have to be included or we can't be together.  Even if he only used it to buy and sell things on marketplace, an honest person would understand why I wanted to be added, regardless. He said it was because his ex would make trouble but again, I said if she does, we both block her. He seemed to have an answer for everything. 

I'm just going to have to be aloof and hold back, in future, which isn't my natural way.

It's not so much it not working out with him, that has freaked me out and upset me - it's how badly he's lied and manipulated. Makes me feel scared of getting close to anyone.

I'm often feeling very philosophical after a hard lesson. 

Been thinking a lot today about energy. My energy has absolutely soared, since letting go of this being. When I was describing him from amidst the pain, it was very, VERY, sweary. Someone just now, reached out on social media to ask "how do you respond when someone is very patronising to you?" Do you know, the impact I was able to have, was really quite powerful. From this more positive state of mind. I said to her "do you know what? it depends what sort of place I'm in, at the time". "if I'm in a good place, I can kind of calmly observe with a gentle fondness, like a parent observing a child who is acting out. If I'm in a bad place, however, I get really P*ssy" haha! She said "Oh, you're right! I need to loosen up" To which I replied "believe me, my response last week probably would have been entirely different. This was when I was still knocking about with a right dafty."

I made her laugh and see the funny side. I said "maybe this patroniser you have just encountered, is currently knocking about with a right bunch of dafties? environment can powerfully influence our behaviour"

Anyway, I just wanted to share that experience. There is so much disfunction and discord in society at the moment. We need to steer clear of the dafties sometimes, to keep our vibes high and increase the peace, so to speak. Then, the dafties won't even bother us anymore.

@freda 

The serenity prayer helps us understand that no matter how unhealthy  person is we are not able to change those people.

Understanding my unhealthy reactions is some thing I can process in a much healthier way.

Often when talking to people who are consumed in an addiction we can offer to go with them to meetings.

Yet if they are not ready we can be more patient and tolerant and just give them the telephone number and even take them to their first meeting few meetings.

People did not believe me when I told them how long I was clean from my addictions.

That is fine with me.

Taking things personally is some thing I can process in healthy ways, that is my choice.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

Thanks for giving me a few days, Dave ❤️ Believe me, I am able to take a critical look at myself but I needed to get back on my feet, first.

@freda 

Hi.

It is useful and healthy to learn to be kind an patient with our self.

We can learn from our past but not live in it.

Our feeling guilty or ashamed is about our having a healthy conscience.

I can most certainly learn to heal from my pains of my past.

But the serenity prayer helps us understand we can not change the past.

But we can heal from our past.

Letting go of our past making moving on so much easier.

It helps if we understand that we were very unhealthy before we took our recovery seriously.

Becoming healthy we learn to not beat our self up and call our selves names.

The simple fact we were very unhealthy in the past and we want a better healthier life  for our self, and for people those close to us.

Motivation should not come from reluctance guilt shame we should do healthy things for our self.

Once we start doing healthier things we start to feel proud of our self in a healthy way.

The past was living in guilt shame regret person pleasing, living for today is about healthy motivation self esteem pride loving caring respectful confidence and healing process.

I am not able t change the past yet I can certainly change my destiny being in the recovery program.

Love and peace to every one. 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

I'm still hurting at times. Been really tearful today. 

I've got medical treatment coming up and it's daunting, facing it alone. I miss having someone to pick me up from work - I know that's the most random thing to miss but it's just having someone.

Still in pain and feeling anxious at times. 

I've done some laundry, changed the bedding, been outside in the daylight, eaten something green, done 30 minutes on the exercise bike, had a shower, washed my hair, brushed my teeth, put on deodorant. I'm going to work, in a bit. This is enough. I'm doing OK.

Yes your doing ok.

I think its good to remind ourselves of what we can do and what we do have, especially when feeling stressed about life. Some of the people that I support are not able to do the things that you describe without support. Its like the gratitude lists that you sometimes do. A good habit to get into.

I am grateful for my physical health. I am grateful that I have to take no medications for anything or pain killers because I am not in any pain.

Life continues... x

@freda 

It is not healthy to beat our self up.

Recovery is about learning to be nurturing kind and caring towards our self.

Living in the pains of our past is not healthy

Dave L

@freda 

Hi

You have been very productive which is very good and healthy.

Reward and compliment your self.

It is the healthy thing to do.

Also be being focused in getting your lists done you are not being distracted to unhealthy habits.

I often say I have had a very healthy productive day and feel better for it.

Why not do so much with your day and not reward your self in a healthy way.

Once a month I have a massage and it helps me for sure.

Please be nurturing kind caring respectful and loving towards your self.

Dave L

Thanks, Dave

I get regular massages too. I'm really kind to myself. 

As for living in the pain of the past... I feel my pain when it comes. I no longer mentally brood on what has happened but I let the feelings be felt. This works for me.

Feeling very empty and alone, today. This is a familiar feeling and will pass, as it always does.

Felt some mild determination to get jobs done around the house, this morning. As always, the difficulty with me, is wasting time on the internet, struggling to get started and feeling overwhelmed by the size of the task. 

I need to paint my kitchen and put a cupboard up. I'm going to make a start today, by removing screws and clips from blinds no longer used and filling the holes with filler. Making a start - the key to everything. 

@freda 

Hi

Feeling very empty and alone, would that mean you feel vulnerable.

By getting focused and motivated towards healthy productivity and self sufficiency is very helpful and helps in a speedier recovery. 

What is the wording we use though is important to understand.

Do I say to myself I have to, that would indicate reluctance resentful obsessive, the question is to myself is it a need or a want.

With healthy motivation comes healthy confidence pride confidence building and healthy self esteem.

In procrastination I am cheating myself.

Was my procrastination due to fear of failing, lack of confidence.

Who was I cheating by me not getting motivated in healthy ways. 

I use to hear people achieve many things at the beginning of my recovery and I use to feel left behind, I even use to be jealous of the things they achieved.

The person that was holding me back from progress was myself.

The recovery program helps us progress in things we thought at one time were impossible for us.

By being productive and motivated in healthy ways our focus thinking helps us stay focused on today and tomorrow and to no longer live in the unhealthy pains and regret of our past unhealthy behaviours.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK