Going to keep this thread now!

So, just to underline - I am very grateful there is a benefit system to offer some basic minimum money, for when you are sick or unemployed. I do acknowledge that I am fortunate to live in a country that has something in place.

However! Just had a very confusing telephone appointment with a woman, asking me if I am working, it doesn't look like you've declared that work, oh, wait yes you have, that's OK....and how many hours do you work? it doesn't look like you've declared that correctly, "I just did what the person in my last appointment told me to do", wait oh, yes, you have recorded that correctly, actually, I see it now. Dear me.

I've been crying today. Feeling very low. Went back to work at my one day a week, term-time job, last night and it was chaos. No-one knew what they were doing. I asked a sensible, not stupid question to the manager and the new girl, who is not a manager but is very bossy and has talked to me before, like I'm stupid, answered with a "tone". I don't like her. She's unkind about people and was throwing her weight around within days. She's bossy and talks to people like they are stupid. Anyway, I have what's called "personality traits" which is not a full personality disorder but I feel very strong emotion when people are rude and unkind. I felt really angry last night, when she spoke to me like that. Really, really angry. It sort of burns, feels emotionally painful. As though someone has just slapped my face. I find it hard not to say anything. I don't like talking about other people behind their back but it helps to just tell someone how I feel. Normally I'd keep it to myself, until I finished work but I'm struggling at the moment, so it felt worse. I felt a bit of shame that it bothered me so much and that I'd had to tell someone how I felt. I mean, I didn't HAVE to but it just helped me cope last night. 

I just feel very low in confidence and when people are difficult or mean, it makes it even harder. I got home and a man off a dating app had asked if I wanted to chat, I told him I'd let him know when I was back from work, which I did. He didn't reply for hours and said he was just going to bed. It's fine, he can do what he wants but I was waiting to hear back from him and wished he could have said earlier. I just unmatched with him because I can't be bothered with people who are inconsiderate, right now. Anyway, another match popped up and he turned out to be a nasty troll. Again, I just could have done without it. It happens, not the end of the world but just didn't need it. He asked me what I was looking for and I said I wanted to meet someone decent, who treats people well, doesn't cheat, isn't abusive, doesn't disappear for days on end with no warning, once they are in a relationship. Just the normal stuff that people used to take as a given. He replied with "you sound needy and desperate" I was a bit shocked but thought he must be making a joke, as I'd basically described most people's bare minimum, so I replied with a laughing emoji. He replied again saying "no, I'm serious" then deleted the conversation and blocked me. Just nasty behaviour for no reason. I don't care, today but it's just how I feel about other people these days - you can just get abuse out of the blue and it's one of the reasons I feel wary of talking to new people. So many people just being nasty and lashing out, for no reason.

``In all truth, if someone is unkind, I don't think I deserve it. I do usually think it's their problem.``

Of course its there problem, and you certainly don`t deserve it, don`t ever contemplate anything different.

Make people rise to your standards and if they wont then don`t entertain them, if you clearly explain your boundaries and standards to people(as you most certainly seem to) and they don`t make the effort  to respect that  then give them a very wide berth.

If you were offering advice, i`m sure you would be the first to say don`t lower your standards for idiots.

The lady that`s throwing her weight about has probably got things shes deflecting away from, don`t hate her, in fact pity her she probably feels equally as vulnerable and is clearly deflecting away from her faults.  

When i have to deal with people that are clearly idiots, i talk in an understanding way but am giving them the mental f.O, and usually end up grinning or laughing as i`m walking away from the encounter.

Don`t ever feel shame of your emotions, they are just that and we are all different, the fact that you are feeling any kind of emotion is yours to feel and no one else`s to criticize.

 As regards the troll, you are so right what you describe is the bare minimum in any friendship, let alone potential relationship, sounds like a very near miss and lucky escape he does. The thing is with most these dating sites most people are fake, fortunately most are so obviously fake. That said there will be someone decent and genuine out there, take care and vet them thoroughly.

Hope you are feeling much happier very soon,

just one last thing suppose you had a daughter, mother, little sister or best friend, and they were encountering the problems that you have had to endure, what would your advice be?, id be really interested in the answer.

Speak soon, stay strong

Thanks, lids. Yeah, I know I can't help feeling such strong reactions to people but it gets me down in the sense that I'm lonely but wary of people because I often feel so much pain, when I'm around people. It's just making life hard for me. Especially in workplaces when there is no escape, sometimes.

I did have a really positive conversation with one friend today. He and another mutual friend had told me off on a night out and it had really hurt me and felt very painful. Some people don't like you confronting them about things, so it took me a while to talk to him about it. When I repeated the thing they told me off for, he said he didn't think there was anything wrong with it. He doesn't know why he told me off. He doesn't remember doing it. He apologised for doing it. I felt a bit better, that at least he agreed that I hadn't done anything wrong. I said it had made me afraid to express myself at all, around them, if they were going to criticise me for reasons I didn't understand. 

It messes with my head, you know because I often have the feeling that people are harsher on me, than they are on other people. I don't know if it's all in my head or not. It's a horrible feeling. I'll often be in a group and someone will say something that no-one has a problem with. I'll think to myself "if I'd said that, they would have told me off". It's hard to know if it's paranoia, or if I'm seeing things accurately. That's what does my head in. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad.

I have some friends I don't feel like this, around. I think I've become less compatible with these two friends, since I met them. It takes me a while to feel comfortable around people, so I have a tendency to cling to existing friends, rather than get close to a wider number of people. 

I miss my ex husband because he was such a good friend and never made me feel bad. Obviously it's not practical to see much of him anymore. His partner doesn't like it. I do understand.

Gratitude List Time!

1) I've been triggered a lot lately, all of my painful triggers have become very inflamed. This has been uncomfortable but has given me a chance to focus on healing more. I've come a long way but there is still work to do. I've made the most of it, as an opportunity.

2) I've revisited a conversation on messenger, just now, to apologise to someone. I felt I'd lashed out angrily and nastily toward her because she'd ignored me. I used to feel SO MUCH pain and shame, whenever anyone blanked me like this. I would get so dysregulated. It was a long time ago but I was still carrying the shame around about how I'd behaved. It was so much less bad than I remembered! In fact, I made the decision to not go ahead with the apology because it was so mild, when I revisited it. It probably would have caused more harm to bring it up again.

3) I cleared the air, today, with an ex and it feels so much better. It went really well!

4) My mate brought a bowl of homemade soup around for me, this morning. It felt lovely!

5) I'm starting EMDR, soon. I'm excited to try something to help me deal with my trauma.

6) I'm getting stronger again, from getting back into gym training. I can wiggle my pecs again, haha!

7) I can tell how much I've healed and how far I've come, in the past few years. I'm dealing with this bad patch so much better than ever.

8) I'm really excited about what is possible, when I reflect on how far I've already come.

9) I'm on day 129. Smashing it, man!

10) I've got physical health - what a gift!

So much gratitude!

1) Enjoyed my GA meeting tonight. Good to see people and share together

2) I had the best time catching up with a friend, yesterday. Felt connected, understood, had belly laughs. Was lovely.

3) I enjoyed my social singing group, this morning. My first time and it was fun, enjoyable, shared some laughs.

4) I found a receipt I thought I'd lost. Saved me from wasting £13.

5) Great gym session, tonight. I'm getting fitter.

6) I gave my metro/tube ticket to someone last night, when I was done with it. They were grateful, I was kind, it felt good.

7) I got talking to someone, at a bus stop this morning and he gave me a great tip off about some free vouchers I can apply for, from a local community place.

8) I walked 22,500 steps yesterday! gosh!

9) I sleep well. I'm so grateful for this. I know how it feels, not to.

10) Had a nice nap with the cats, this afternoon.

Gratitude

1) I got a nice M&S skirt from a charity shop for only £1, today!

2) I've been eagerly awaiting the £400 help with energy bills and this went onto my energy account balance as a credit, which I'm grateful for. It's being paid in monthly installments. I'm grateful the whole amount didn't go into the bank.

3) I managed to push through a low energy day and got out and about in town and got some steps in.

4) I dried some laundry outdoors. Grateful I managed to get laundry done and hung out, despite low energy today.

5) I had some battenberg cake for the first time in 7 years!!!! It was lovely (I'm vegan and you can't buy a vegan version. It's quite a faff to make, at home).

6) I did the washing up and hoovered. I couldn't be bothered but it feels so much better now.

7) I'm going for a nice massage, in the morning.

8) I got a fit note for a month, so I won't be pressured to apply for jobs I think might be bad for me.

9) I finished watching Dahmer, on Netflix. Although it was a dark subject, I enjoyed the series.

10) Sorry it sounds gross, but I feel better for cleaning up some cat sick properly. I cleaned it on a basic level, straight away but had put off doing it properly.

Hi Freda,

Thanks and its good to feel at peace ?

Glad to read you're doing mighty well! Keep it up..

I watched the series also, interesting what goes round serial killers mind. Q scientists  didn't find answer for yet. 

Stay safe & well!

Xx

I'm grateful for:

1) getting out of the woods, uninjured, today. Good grief! My friend and I got lost and we ended up having to go down muddy slopes and allsorts.

2) My high pain threshold. I was furious to slip, going up a muddy bank and fell with my full weight, onto my hand, into a bunch of brambles and thorns. I was over it pretty quick.

3) I had a first date, yesterday and was very pleasantly surprised that he wanted to see me again. I almost cancelled, as I felt so unattractive.

4) I love iced coffee. I feel so happy, when I'm drinking it.

5) Nature. It is good to be in it.

6) My mobility. I am so grateful my legs have carried me over some challenging terrain, today.

7) Meditation. I am in the process of re-establishing my practice. It is good for me.

8) Therapy. I am having trauma-informed therapy.

9) Money. I'm grateful I have the money to pay for some therapy sessions and to pay my mortgage.

10) My fixed mortgage rate. I'm so very grateful for this, at the moment.

A good post their Freda.

It's good to be greatful and recognise it.

So, this deserves a random - how's about doing a list of what peee-ees you of, ie ' I'm not happy what I read in FB today '  and the flip would be to get shot of FB.

I hope that makes sense.

Before I go, can I say that number  3 on your list is a bollx ' great full ', why wouldn't he want to see you again. Don't sell yourself short !

Nice idea, faking it! I certainly think Facebook has developed a mechanism now, where you can interact as your business or other page, without needing to use your personal account - although, unless i deactivated the original, I doubt I'd resist having a look.

Very kind, on point 3. But for all you know, I could look like Jabba the hut, haha! 

Sorry for laughing at the brambles, love reading your posts!

Very pleased to hear about your date, hope it works out!!

Speak soon 

@freda - Don't knock Jabba the hutt, especially with the clout he carry's in the Grand Hutt council, besides that is beauty not after all in the eye of the beholder. Also due to my resemblance to him Jabs happens to be my nickname.

Feelings well and truly hurt - ;-(

Randomly, have you heard of the ' Ghost in the machine ? Hence it's the mind the most attractive of all beings, is it not ?

My FB was just an example, ie find things what peee-ss you of and either delete or flip and use as a tool as you do with your grateful list. 

So he messages me, yesterday, to say he doesn't think it's going to work out. It's a bad time for him, he won't have any time to see me and will constantly let me down... but he's unmatched with me on the dating app but hasn't left the dating app. I suppose the truth is none of my business.

I'm having therapy to help with trauma and it's bringing up a lot of strong emotion. I was working with a jumped up little pipsqueak, last night, who is so condescending. I felt actual rage. She is 20 years younger than me and loves to tell me what to do, even though she isn't my boss, or anyone's boss. I'm not ageist, it's harder to take from someone so much younger. It's the disrespect. She was talking about how she's practically doing the supervisor's job already. Are you?! I said. She isn't. She told me what she's doing and I listed off another 8 things that are the supervisor's job, not the 2 things she's doing, to help out while the supervisor is sick. It came to the end of the night and the actual senior staff member left first and spoke to us both, like adults. Then she says to me, "you can go now, thanks" and I just wanted to punch her. I said "wow, amazing people skills. you'll go far" she goes "well, I am the senior, now **** has gone home".  I don't want to deal with awful, awful, children, with a lust for power. I hope she falls down a manhole, asap.

The rage, though. It's not just about her, it's about all the people who have gone before her. All of the people who felt entitled to speak down to me. All of the people that have no empathy, no decency. Urrgh!

I don't actually trust anything anyone says, anymore.

Apparently, my best mate and my other mate are "in love". She has been drinking heavily, like an alcoholic and abusing prescription drugs, as well. I think they're both very unhealthy and just descending into chaos together. I don't know what to think about anything, anymore. Someone I thought I knew well, has a whole messed up secret life that I know nothing about.

@freda , firstly a thanks as your diary is one of the rare ones who stirs this grey matter in my jabber head.

Sounds like inadvertently that you had a good / clean escape from the latest possible beau, a good possibility sounding by it that he's another who's not in sync with his emotional age.

As with your drama at work with your young upstart, but is it her bad or yours? Dealing with fragile insecure egos is hard especially when we can't even trust our own minds thro6gh the throws of addiction.

By only reading your diary and not knowing you, it sounds like your in a job that's not challenging enough to satisfy this very clear good brain of yours. Alas, though no easy fix there,  as we need to keep the tokens comng in and circulating them accordingly.

Now my humble regarding your 2 mates fluttering there eye lids at each other, is this your issue ? ie I don't know how to articulate what I mean by this but recognise it  in my own behaviour sometimes, ie your control settings, that just by being here / therapy/ GA etc , you are trying to adjust. So take the high road.

Good luck Freda, your having a ramble through the woods but soon you'll be back in seeing the woods from the tree's