Going to keep this thread now!

Cheers, Dave

Aye, it's just a challenging environment at the minute. For most people, I'm sure.

Hi

No matter when your last bet was please keep going to meetings.

From each time I went back to gambling I got to understand each of my emotional triggers.

Even today, just for today only I will not gamble.

When I did  go back to gambling many times over I simply made things much worse and more painful.

Please stay  committed to your recovery.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

1) yesterday I got really angry. Frustration overload. I allowed it, without taking it out on anyone.

2) I took self-care action! I did some ironing until the anger subsided a bit, went to my GA meeting, even though I didn't feel like it. Went to the gym and had a good workout.

3) A seagull attacked me, yesterday - of course it did! - and it actually made me laugh. It was one of those days.

4) My energy has been a little better. I've kept the house a bit cleaner, although this is still not something I'm on top of.

5) I got a hug off a recovery buddy. A woman. Not tugging on men's energy in a manipulative way.

6) I did my shaking therapy today. Feel a lot better for it.

7) My eating has been less disordered, recently.

8) Today is a GA milestone. 30 days.

9) I actually got a gp appointment today. Fairly effortlessly. It was bizarre.

10) I made the effort to eat vegetables today, even though I couldn't be bothered.

I have done loads today!

1) Woke feeling stressed about looming and stupid changes at work - I'm expecting the next thing is to stick a broom up our behind, so we can do one more thing, while we do the work that 2 people used to do - but used the nervous energy to walk into town, get an iced coffee and donut for brekkie, then get some cat litter, for my poor little monkey. Been out of stock for a while and she needs a clean toilet!

2) A man noticed me and smiled, then seemed even more keen when he saw me swing a couple of heavy sacks of litter into my hands and carry it with ease. It made me smile. I saw on his face, the temptation to offer help, then kind of impressed and attracted to my physical strength, realising I needed no help at all. Wish I hadn't been stressed, I would have struck up a conversation and given him my number 😉

3) I rode the bus back up the hill, with the heavy litter and felt good about my physical fitness. I felt grateful. Strong and resilient. Balancing with no hands, while the bus stopped. Carrying the heavy bags with ease.

4) I mowed the lawn and did lots of faffy garden jobs - strimming, pulling up flowers that grow everywhere, if you don't pull them.

5) I cleaned my fridge. It was minging! I feel happier when I look inside it, now.

6) Put weedkiller down, to kill those pesky nettles.

7) Hung washing out, did the washing up.

8) I read some of my book, in the sunshine. 

9) Washed the bin out, it was getting stinky.

10) Rewarded myself for doing all of these crummy jobs, by getting iced coffee and cake delivered - from an independent, local business, that pays their tax!

Hi

Thank you for sharing on here.

In surrending to the fact I can not change the world I found that worrying about things I can not change was a waste of time.

In accepting that when I face my fears and ask waht is the worst that can happen and I am willing to accept the worst my fears reduce.

Nothing you can say or do willl change the out come.

Make life so much easier.

You will expect you to work harder, the sign of time to come.. 

A man noticed me and smiled, that ws nice of him.

In time I was abale to ask for help that was healthy of me.

If you hadn’t been so stressed, you would ahve been free fo your fears.

You felt grateful that is very healthy of you.

I mowed our lawn because of rain in Calgary we ahve some really nice grass here.

I broke up a defective running machine in the basement and cut soem of the metal up.

I needed to pick up the metal fillings which was a apin in the a*s.

You put weedkiller down, to kill those pesky nettles that was productive saving you more time later on.

One thing we do not have in Calgary is stinging nettles I really miss those things. LOL.

Rewarded your self with your wants is very healthy.

I am suffering with panful right knee but want to get some concrete forming done today.

So I can get poring over the next few dry days.

Being self sufficient is all part of being a healthy person.

Plus it keeps me active and productive in healthy ways.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

I`m really enjoying reading your diary Freda, its helping me notice little things in my own life that ive never really taken much note of.

You are so strong and have so much order and structure to your life, and you should be so proud of 30 days gf.

The bit about the seagull made me laugh out loud.

One thing i got from your last post was the stress at work, i also was a slave to this but made a conscious decision to do my best at work but that is it, if a job doesn't get completed its because i am out of time, i refuse to take work home or worry about work in my own time anymore, in short i get paid to do 37 hours and no more, i now refuse to give my job anymore than 37 hours be that mentally or physically, that doesn't mean that i dont give 100% , but purely that ive set out my boundaries and so far they have been respected.

Your strength is inspiring, and your straightforward outlook is impressive, keep doing what you do as its working!! 

Thanks so much, lids, that means a lot.

One of the things I struggle with, is feeling like I'm the only one. In my workplace, I feel so vulnerable because I feel like I'm the only one. Everyone else just gets on with it but admits it's stressful. I feel like I'm the only one who speaks up. 

It's worsening my self-confidence, which wasn't great to begin with.

I'm still very stressed at work. I'm struggling to cope and it's zapping my energy on days off. 

I had some huge shame triggers, this week. They've been difficult to deal with. I had a job interview on Monday morning. The woman who interviewed me, was very shrewd. She pointed out that the job was temporary and checked her understanding that my current job was permanent. She looked confused and suspicious, so I admitted that although I'm fine in a fast-paced environment, my current workplace was extremely pressured, with one person looking after 16 self-service machines, by themselves, at times. She wrapped up the interview within seconds. She wasn't at all subtle. I'd hoped that she'd understand that some work environments are particularly poor and it's normal to want to do better - but she was done. with. me. It shook me up a bit. Obviously, I can also appreciate how bad it would be to work for such harsh and ruthless people, so they are probably not a good employer anyway. 

Then, another thing triggered me, along similar lines. Today, I got a rejection email for a job I'd applied for. The problem was, it was pretty much the same job I've done (I have two part-time jobs) for 9 years and I didn't even get an interview. I know I don't know this for sure but I spoke up about my line manager doing nothing to support us, a few years ago and I feel I've been blacklisted because of that. Some people who used to work at my workplace, now work at the one I applied to, in management positions. Having been abused in childhood, I have a lot of emotion that comes up about speaking up, if something is wrong and being shamed for it. 

It's complex because I was slightly stroppy about it and could have dealt with it better, at the time - but I was going through a divorce and was not at my best. I didn't do anything terrible or dramatic, saying that. I feel this is one of the hardest things about navigating problems at work, if you have mental health problems. You can't just suck it up and pretend everything is fine, like everyone else. It impairs your functioning, if someone is problematic. It feels like being punished and shamed, for being the only one to speak up, even though you're actually the bravest because your mental health is already poor.

I'm tetchy at work and that is another shame trigger, as it makes me feel like people are judging me or I'll be alienating people, even though I know anger is just a normal symptom of stress.

Still no gambling to report. Today is day 64, so second milestone of 60 days, at GA has been passed.

I've been offered a job, so have given my notice to old, stressful, worsening one. I feel a lot better already! 

It is fewer contracted hours, so not sustainable, long-term but it's enough to get me the heck out of the old one!

Been an intense couple of weeks. 

Have finished working my notice, at old job. Have done my first week at new one. So far, so good. 

No gambling. I hit my 90 days, next week.

It has been the strangest of times.

Last week, I got a convicted s*x offender banned from a dating website. I also got overwhelmed and told my new boss, it is not working out, as I can't cope with the messages at night and in the morning, about work. It's a daily thing and the earliest was at 5.25am asking a trivial question. I asked her if we could come to an arrangement together, where she offered me my notice stating reasons beyond my control and she said she could not do this. This forced me to grass her up to hr and her area manager wants to talk to me, next week about her behaviour. Clever me, took screenshots and silly her, harassed us on an app that time stamps all messages.

So, I'm on the sick and will hopefully be let go, in a nice way, with hr's help. It is starting to feel ;like my mission on earth, is to stand up to psychopaths. It is very stressful.

I passed the 90 day mark and got my GA coin thing.

Gratitude list, time!

1) I done a daft video of me squirting cream into my mouth, last night and sent it to a friend, to make him laugh. He said he'd had a bad day and it brought him joy.

2) I did a lot of big, belly laughs sending it, in the first place. Imagining my friend watching it.

3) My current foster cat, is a hoot. He wants to be everyone's mate and gatecrashed a neighbours bar-b-que, last week.

4) I stood up to my naughty boss, yesterday. It was so stressful and I nearly had a panic attack but I stayed calm and civil. Well proud of my bad self.

5) Having dealt with some proper crackerjacks in the past, I had the good sense to take screenshots of naughty boss's behaviour, pestering staff at all hours. I've got her right by the flaps! haha

6) I got more than I expected, for my final pay, from old job. A good hundred more. Wahey!

7) hr at new job, have told me to stay off, until I've spoken to the area manager. I can relax for a few days, knowing I've covered myself there.

8) I used a local, independent computer place to figure out what was up with my laptop and it's sorted the same day. Only cost me £20.

9) I'm laughing to myself, that the computer man has probably seen my boobies. There must be a picture, somewhere in the cloud, that I've sent to an ex, or summat. I don't know how to wipe the cloud. I don't really understand that stuff. Oh, well!

10) I got my 90 day coin keyring thing, at my GA meeting, this week.

I've felt a lot of overwhelm today.

Just talked to a help advisor on webchat and feeling a bit calmer and able to think straight.

People everywhere seem to be struggling with overwhelm. I've seen a couple of people on the forum heading for burnout for a long time - but I must put my co-dependency down and mind my own business. I've hinted at it a few times but then you have to let people get on with it and mind your own business. It's hard letting people find out the hard way. Especially when you've been there and know how that feels.

So, I recently left my job of 4 years, as I could no longer cope with it. I worked my notice and started the new job and was just about getting away with it. I don't know if anyone reading, can relate to that feeling, when you know things are going to start feeling less intense, in a matter of days, if you can just make it there.....

I was so close but something gave. I didn't realise how close to only just getting away with it, I was, until I had to deal with talking to the area manager about new bosses unboundaried behaviour. Triggered A LOT of my stuff. I kept it together during the call but then have just been weeping and weeping. 

I will be OK but it's the accumulation of hanging in there and being strong for a bit too long. I noticed myself dissociating while talking to a friend, before this phonecall. A sign I'm quite poorly and something I haven't experienced for a while.

Hard day today. I do have onion rings in the oven, so I know I have been worse, but very hard day.

Feeling a bit better today

Feeling a lot, today.

I have been using dating apps for a while, now and to be honest, I had gotten to the point where I didn't expect to start talking to anyone, who seemed a good prospect. It's very rare anyone seems worth meeting up with in real life. I'd like to explain that I'm not using the word "worth" in the way where I think anyone is worthless. I just mean it's rare to get talking to anyone who seems to have anything to offer. I understand my attachment style, so it's not good for me to connect with flaky, avoidant people. Obviously, behind the scenes, if I were a fly on the wall, I'd probably learn all of the other circumstances around their behaviour. Some would have sunk into a deep depression and had a few days where they couldn't communicate at all. Some will have met someone since we started chatting and so they stop replying because of that. Some will have different values to me and don't want to have that awkward conversation. etc. etc.

So, there's loads of reasons why people aren't showing up, reliably, that have nothing to do with me. Sometimes it's a case of not being compatible. Anyway, my point is, I have lost touch with the actual purpose of these apps. To meet someone and try to find a relationship. 

So, since my life went a bit pear shaped, work-wise, I have still being using them and swiping right sometimes. I also see it as a way of practising getting to know a person. Using the social muscle.

Anyway, I got talking to someone who is relating in an outstanding way. Good social skills, polite, appropriate, replies in a reasonable time-frame, good at making conversation. I was not expecting it! I started to feel annoyed, that we had connected at a time when I'm not doing great, my confidence is low and I probably shouldn't be trying to start a relationship. However, I thought I'll meet him for a coffee, no big deal, hopefully I won't like him and that will be that.

I didn't dislike him but I did sort of have something sprung on me, which felt weird. I hadn't noticed that he hadn't put down what height he was. I feel for shorter men because a lot of people will automatically discount them, just based on that. At the same time, I feel weird having it sprung on me. I had mentioned in passing, that I'm probably a bit chubbier than in my photos, as I've gained a bit of weight. Not loads but I understand that I can't make someone who doesn't like curves, like them. So, I was signalling that if a skinny woman is really important to you, I'm probably not your type. Anyway, 20 minutes before we were due to meet, he told me what colour jacket he was wearing and that "I'm not the tallest, either". I really didn't like the feeling of not knowing what that meant. I was wondering if someone 4ft10 was going to turn up, or if he just meant he was on the shorter side for a man, maybe 5ft6. I felt a bit like I'd been tricked into a situation. I'm not particularly shallow but someone 4ft10 would probably be a bit too short for me. There are shorter women who might be more suited to that. I'm 5'5". No-one likes to admit these things but we all have preferences and ranges of things we're comfortable with. When he arrived, it turned out he was about the same height as me but the weird way it had been presented, kind of made me feel a bit icky about it. I remember meeting up with someone who was at least 2 stones heavier than in their pictures. I remember thinking, I'd still have met him if I'd had an up to date picture but I was now feeling disappointed and a bit tricked. There's something about presenting yourself deceptively, that doesn't feel good. It's actually quite controlling, manipulative, in a subtle way. It's a fine balance because some things aren't appropriate to disclose, immediately.

 So it went OK, the first date. He's a really pleasant guy. He might grow on me, might not. I'm seeing him again tomorrow but I can't really be bothered because of how I'm feeling, emotionally. It's funny how much better and clearer I feel about it all, just from writing it all down. 

I feel quite despondent. Weary. It's hard to trust that these feelings will probably pass by themselves.