Going to keep this thread now!

Well, I've continued to hang in there. My temporary job contract is over on Friday. I'm leaving because it's hard to get all of the work done and I get really stressed trying to. I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants and just about getting away with it. I thought it would be different working for a university, as they are quite soft in the other department I work in but it's tough in the facilities one. 

I'm worried about money, what I'm going to do for work next, coping with bills etc. but I've stopped socialising. I'm getting isolated again and anxious and fearful. I've started spending time with my ex again, as i don't have anyone else. It's not ideal but he is being really kind to me. Right now, I'll take it. 

I did the life modelling! I was really nervous and felt a bit uncomfortable but it was awesome to face a fear. I'm not going to book anymore sessions, as it took it out of me. Maybe I'll get back to feeling able to, one day.

Well, things turned out OK in the end. Things are safe for now.

I'd much prefer to feel confident there are plenty of jobs out there that I can thrive in but maybe one day I will. We seem to be going through a period of time where staff are kind of used like cannon fodder. Not really treated like people, just worker ants that you can get rid of if you like. It's a shame but is what it is.

Anyway, I don't need to focus on the problem for now. I'm always careful who I tell, if I end up back on benefits, as their first question is usually "what are you going to do?" it's almost comical. Like, who would really benefit from being encouraged to think about the future? I know! Someone who has just had a breakdown/got chronic anxiety/depression. It's something I probably do as well, if I'm not being mindful. Thing is, if you constantly ask someone if they have a solution to their distress, while they're distressed, they are highly unlikely to be able to come up with anything. It sounds wrong but I'd encourage someone to refuse to think about the future for at least a few days. Just focus on feeling better. That is what helps people get into a better headspace. You can't problem solve very well when you're in a bad place.

I'm grateful for this time I have to rest. I will figure things out after a rest.

I have cried a lot today but I have also got my b**t to the gym. I'm proud of myself.

This forum has often been a source of pain for me. Mostly due to being misunderstood. I believe in taking responsibility for tendencies that are likely to cause upset to other people, whilst still knowing that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings.

It's a tightrope I've always struggled to walk. I'm very open and honest about my thoughts and genuinely rarely have any harm or passive aggression in mind when I communicate. Sometimes I do and I'm comfortable admitting that but it's not common for me. I believe in owning up to it, if I take a look back at things I've said and can see passive aggression in it, or tactlessness. I suppose a lot of people refer to this, as taking a dig at someone. I am still capable of having a dig at someone, deliberately when my feelings have been hurt.

It's complicated and nuanced, communicating. We aren't always aware how something might be taken by another person. I've often wondered if I have a problem with tactlessness, that I need to work on. I'd like to work on things that I'm bad at. Worse than most people. However, I'm also aware of the danger of people making you doubt yourself unnecessarily. When it's them that has the issue and it's not a "me" problem. It can affect my social confidence, which I already struggle with. 

There are people I really struggle to be around because I find them very rude and unpleasant. At the same time, I would hate to be one of those people that most people feel like they are walking on eggshells, around. I've gotten better at not reacting to people I find difficult or unpleasant and I'm glad about that because it never helps. I'm also better at having compassion for myself on the rare occasions I do "bite" because very few people never ever bite, around rude or difficult people. Even using the term "difficult people" isn't ideal because really they are sensitive people or people who are very traumatised. Something I have heard repeatedly and often though, is that I make too many allowances for people or put up with too much from people. It's a very common thing for people to say to me. Because of this, I know that most people must find my reactions reasonable and proportionate most of the time.

Something my estranged friend said to me, stuck with me a bit and made me doubt myself. She said I have an anger problem. However, most people have an anger problem around certain people. You know the term "reactive abuse". Like, even the most gentle and patient of people can lose their temper, if someone is mean enough, or wears them down enough. I think a more accurate assessment of me, is I don't trust myself enough. I have a tendency to think it's probably just me. That I am being more sensitive than is reasonable. 

So, the upshot of this long ramble, but a ramble that has been helpful for me to process and figure out what to think, is that the best thing I can do, is trust myself better. When I trust my own judgement, I move away from people who make me struggle to control my defensiveness. If I ended up completely alone, I'd know that I had a defensiveness problem. It would be evident from that. When I move away from people who I feel defensive around, I weirdly become less defensive and more socially confident. This tells me that there are plenty of people who still want to be around me. Who enjoy my company without finding the need to criticise me and accuse me of bad behaviour, a lot. I'm more likeable and positive around everyone, when I distance myself from people I struggle with. So I need to trust myself to do this when it feels necessary. 

Ohhhh, this always helps. Working out my feelings, by writing them down. I feel less of a responsibility to worry about offending other people, on my own diary, as well because I know that if people find me tactless or my attitudes upsetting, they can just stop reading it. That is their responsibility. To move away from me, as long as I'm not breaking forum guidelines or etiquette.

In fact, I'm going to reread those guidelines to refresh my memory because it feels healthy. To not worry excessively about upsetting other people but to take a healthy AMOUNT of responsibility by taking reasonable measures to respect reasonable boundaries.

Freda, don`t doubt yourself or worry.

I find your posts quite thought provoking and occasionally light hearted and get a smile or a giggle from me.

You and your posts are fantastic, you are a delight to read.

Please don`t change too much.

Thanks for your kindness, lids ? 

I've had a post removed as I was describing distressing thoughts I'd been having. It's a form of OCD, where you have urges to do or say things you would never want to do or say.

Some of the thoughts have made it hard for me to travel in a car, lately. I feel like I have a bit more control over the verbal urges, so I am not isolating myself completely but if I did blurt out the things my urges want me to, it would upset people and be considered verbally abusive.

I can't edit the post that's in moderation and this post is rubbish and doesn't really express how I feel but I think I've managed to leave out the bits that they want to censor ? 

Anyway, I told some people from my GA group and they didn't judge me and they described some disturbing urges as well but I don't think I can mention them on here. 

You'd be surprised how common this is.

Had a massive session in an arcade, on Sunday. I didn't care. I was just letting it all go. I seem to not be able to fully let go of gambling. It no longer wrecks my life to the extent I can't cover the bills, it just once a year or so, rears it's head for a binge.

I don't mean to talk about this as though it's inevitable. I'm just describing the pattern I see. 

It's usually when I become aware of how much fear I have. It sucks.

I didn't go back to chase - during the moment, I try to chase. Once I leave, I let that money go. I've learned over the years if you don't, a lapse becomes a full-blown relapse.

Anyway, this is what it is. I'm an addict. Always will be. Have to get straight back on the horse, or it gets the better of me.

I have stayed sober since my lapse. 

I am feeling less acute fear but the uneasy feeling is still there, always, in the background. I have always struggled with this. Fear following me around, everywhere.

I still haven't found the answer. 

I have been spending time with an ex which isn't ideal but he knows I no longer feel that way about him and I at least feel relaxed and I can be myself, around him. We go to the forest, moors. Nature.

I still go to GA and try to see other friends, regularly. I have become as comfortable as I can be. I was prepared to move forward with massage practice, as I think this is a line of work I can do, without going crazy. I cancelled the practice session with the friend because I got a pip review form and it felt too much, just weeks after the work capability assessment. Life is a lot harder and scarier without this help. I'd love to get into a job in a stable way, where I thought I could maintain it long-term, without getting sick. Most jobs I've come close to coping with, have had time pressures which were depleting me. I feel as though the jobs I couldn't cope with, /if I had just 5% less to do, I could cope. It feels like a lot of employers expect more per hour, out of workers than they did a few years ago. It's hard for people sensitive to stress. We want to work, we just want safety from unmanageable workloads.

I will pick myself back up and move forward with the massage practice soon. It's a hard fear for me to push through, for some reason. I don't like being poor at things. I know that experience is needed in all things and this is where I get stuck. I have struggled to get started, put the practice in place. 

I have had a bad night. Anxiety is bad and it's making it hard to stop ruminating on things.

I absolutely think there is a place for tough love and encouraging people to take responsibility for themselves but good grief, people seem to just say whatever they want to me!

I went dancing tonight and was feeling particularly fragile. A woman I hadn't seen in a while, asked me if things had worked out with my job. I was starting a new job after leaving a toxic workplace, last time I saw her.

I told her it hadn't worked out, as the boss was a psycho and was on the sick with anxiety. She said "blame yourself". It didn't feel very nice. I mean, sometimes we need to look at the part we play in our problems, sure - but it's an awfully blunt thing to say to someone. It felt very upsetting.

I find people are often quite blunt and brutal with their words and it makes me really socially anxious. I just wanted to burst into tears. 

I think that is a harsh thing to say to someone. 

Need a gratitude list:

1) I'm so very grateful for the kindness of the masseur today, who made my massage aromatherapy for no extra cost, because I'd told her I was struggling with anxiety.

2) I'm grateful for the free doughnut from one of my shopping apps on my phone. 

3) I'm grateful for medicine to help slow my pounding heart, while I am feeling stressed. 

4) I'm grateful for the lovely, kind woman I spoke to, from the Samaritans yesterday. 

5) I'm grateful my washing machine is still going, so I could wash some clothes and bedding today.

6) I'm grateful for my birthday cards and gifts and greetings on social media. People have been so kind.

7) I'm so grateful for my lawn. I've been able to get outside and connect my bare feet to the Earth. This is helping me manage my symptoms.

8) I'm grateful for my GA peers, who I reached out to, for support, yesterday. 

9) I'm grateful the woman who runs my local cafe remembers my name. It feels nice.

10) I'm grateful I have an appointment to help me fill out my PIP review form, as it feels overwhelming to do it by myself.

I'm so very grateful for:

1) I'm grateful for the help I got to fill out my PIP form, on Tuesday.

2) I'm grateful for my GA meeting last night.

3) I'm grateful for my physical mobility. I ran 5k last night and felt so calm from the endorphins I got. 

4) I'm grateful that I sleep well.

5) I'm grateful I have food in my fridge and in the cupboards.

6) I'm grateful the fear has mostly left me.

7) I'm grateful a GA pal rang to see if I needed a lift, last night.

8) I'm grateful for my garden.

9) I'm grateful I have somewhere to stand barefoot on the earth. It's so important to health.

10) I'm grateful for the person I play Lexulous with. I haven't seen him in years but he always asks how I am and seems to genuinely care.

I feel like so many people are poor at communicating, these days. I know it's a sign of the times but boy can it make some things loads harder.

I am really struggling to face my low self-confidence and overcome it. I have some self-employment skills and I understand that I need practice to get really good but I've always struggled with doing things badly and not feeling shame. I have a feeling that massage is something I can be fairly good at, without it making me stressed, anxious and overwhelmed. However, I only did a fast-track one-day course so I need practice but don't want to give poor treatments to clients and not get return custom because of it, or for them to tell people I'm not very good. (I know I'm thinking way too much about this)

Anyway, I am who I am but it helps me to field the inevitable criticism that comes with doing anything, if I know I'm at least alright at what I do. It helps me let it go, without damaging my confidence.

I reached out to a mate, over a week ago - asking if she would be open to me using her business space, to offer a few donation-based massages. I made it really clear it was cool if she didn't think it would work but that I was just asking around for a space I could practice in, without having to pay rent. That I would be up for paying towards electricity and heating of the space, though.

I got nothing. No acknowledgement, no response, nothing. I really struggled with this, emotionally. It felt very cold to get nothing back at all. I could see that she had read my message the same day. The thing is, often, people have just genuinely forgotten to respond. I totally get this. It feels vulnerable to chase it up, though because I don't want to make the person feel uncomfortable, if they didn't want to help but didn't know what to say. 

Anyway, I messaged again today. Really gently and humbly. In the past, I might have been a bit resentful in tone. A bit huffed. This is progress, that although I thought it was shabby behaviour, I didn't agress.

I just said I was going to presume it was a "no" which was totally cool and I didn't need an explanation or anything but that I was also aware that sometimes people just forget to respond, so I was giving this nudge, in case it was a memory thing.

Anyway, it appears that she thought she had replied but said she was really sorry, as she could appreciate how it must have felt to get no response at all.

Lessons there, about working through your own stuff and not taking it out on others. Had it been a deliberate lack of response, I probably would have adjusted my attitude toward her, as not kind enough for me to be around much. It wasn't her fault or responsibility at all, what I went through emotionally but I had to work through self-doubt, a bit of shame, was it not "normal" or OK to even ask?! 

God, it's hard for me to be vulnerable or express needs, sometimes. Progress not perfection, though, eh?

I'm really struggling with that black cloud at the moment, so I need these gratitude lists:

1) I'm so grateful my ex made my food for me yesterday. I was really low and struggling to function.

2) I'm so grateful that I've felt up to getting a shower this morning.

3) I'm so grateful that I managed to talk to the psychological service today and it sounds promising. I'm on a long waiting list and am no longer feeling strong enough to do the intense trauma-based therapy I'd originally opted for. It sounds promising that I might be able to switch choices without going back to the end of the waiting list.

4) I'm grateful, as ever, for my wonderful, loving cat companion. It's nice to have her with me.

5) I'm so grateful an acquaintance reached out to check I was OK. It was really kind of him. It made me feel safer and less alone.

6) I'm grateful to hear my mum is going to a befriending group. I struggle with contact with her, so I'm glad she's accessing other connections.

7) I'm grateful my friend has had to cancel on me tomorrow morning, as I'm actually having a very fragile time.

8) I'm grateful another misunderstanding with someone has been peacefully resolved.

9) I'm so grateful to notice that I'm getting better at not reacting when I feel offended or hurt. It stops me from alienating people.

10) I'm so very grateful that I slept well. Everything is easier when I have slept well.

1) I'm grateful to be feeling MUCH better

2) I'm grateful my friend helped me to return some things today. It had been on my mind.

3) I'm grateful I've lost some weight and am heading towards a healthier state.

4) I'm grateful for the extra energy I have, now I'm lighter. I picked up a weight of how much I've lost, at the gym today and it was canny heavy!

5) I'm grateful I managed to catch a bhangra drumming performance, randomly and bhangra dancing. I love it, it seems so joyful.

6) I'm grateful for some money my mam sent me in a cheque. She is much kinder to me, than she used to be.

7) I'm grateful for the hot bath I just had. It felt relaxing.

8) I'm grateful for some bargains I got today. Made me feel excited.

9) I'm grateful for the gym. I felt calmer after some exercise.

10) I'm so very grateful for my mobility. I have walked all over today and got lots done.