Happy birthday...not!

Hi gboy92,

Just a little note to encourage you to hang in there, and do what you can to support yourself today. You've gotten a lot of advice from other forum members on your previous posts, and a lot of people on here are pulling for you. You've also got a lot of years ahead of you, and a lot to live for, so please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. People do get over gambling addiction; it's not something impossible to achieve, so don't stop trying and eventually you will succeed. Many of the forum members can identify with your situation. From one of your other posts it sounds like you're waiting for a counselling session, and it would be great if you let us all know how that experience goes for you.

Take care of yourself, and yes, happy birthday.

Travis

I'd like to begin just passing oin some word's that were gifted to me by another poster when I first arrived here a couple of years ago also feeling much the same way as you do today .

" Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem " and the key word here is " Temporary " this can all be put right over time and the money re earnt ! .

Looking back over your previous threads there sems to be a common theme in that you turn up after a big loss or moment of madness , wondering where it's going and how it will all end so maybe sticking around here on a constant daily basis maybe a good start ? and at least if nothing else you'll get the support from all of us who understand exactly what your going through :)).

The know the old saying on here about " Nothing changes if nothing changes " and I think you keep going back to it just to get even ( I may be wrong ) ? but you saying you'd got upto £16000 yet lost the lot just make you ask " How much will ever be enough to walk away with " ? and the answer for all of us is no amount would ever be enough because we'd alway's want more , I was exactly the same and remember one night walking home from a casino with just over £8,000 and all from a hundred and fifty pound's in my pocket thinking that I'd cracked it, only to blow the lot within a couple of day's , I thought it was greed or just not enough but now realise it's because Im a Compulsive Gambler and just like you I don't have an off or even a dimmer switch to tell me to just walk away :))

Mate ! You can turn this around but you really have to want to , it's your birthday today and your feeling like " C rap " but by next birthday you can be looking back at this post in a much better state of mind and a far better life .

Truthfully 2 yrs ago I wanted to end it all as I thought it was the only option open to me as I just couldn't stop gambling , I now realise looking back that I didn't want to die , I just wanted the feeling that gambling leaves us with to just go away and for just as with me that is well within your *** if you just stop ? .

Keep posting buddy and altghough I can't alway's be here I'll get back to asap .

Take care of yourself

Alan

Thanks alan you always give great words of wisdom and understanding....even if I don't pay enough attention to it.

You are exactly right it's because I have lost so much that I want to get even. Last night was about 90% of all my debts I owe paid (not what i have lost but my current debts) so it would have been my 'fresh start' and as much as I will always gamble I would have never got into that level of debt again or so I tell myself.

I'm struggling to comprehend that I have gone from a fresh start sat in my betting account tot now sat having finished what I made into my worst birthday and darkest moment ever.

I tell my girlfriend every month next month I will have money no more blowing it. If she leaves me now I don't think I care I just want to be alone to stop hurting everyone.

I will stick on here more now every day to read and post to get the support I need and I have a counselling session arranged for next week.

I now have to live with knowing over the next 5 years paying debts that I should be better off.....I can't forget the losses I know I need to but I can't

Hello again Mate I'm glad your back :))

Look , I've just read your post through and quite honestly it's me a couple of years ago and just because youve not been succesfull as of yet giving this addiction the push doesn't mean you can't start now , I tried for many years to stop gambling and couldn't all because I wouldn't let gambling have it's way and win and the only difference between us is that I diddn't come here first to really try , ok you've yet to cr ack it but Kudos to you for coming back here when you've had a relapse and getting it all down on your diary for everyone to see , that takes some b alls mate :))

The truth is we never ever stop on the back of a big win do we and I mean none of us ! If we could do that we wouldn't be compulsive gamblers and we wouldn't have the problem . I just like you would blow the lot time and again and then sit there looking back thinking " Poor me , I've done it again " it's like it's in the palm of your hand and you just can't close your fist to hold on to it .

I can't say what will work for you but I do know from experience is that for once and for all you have to draw that line and wave goodbye to all the losses you've ever had , that's tough to do I know it is because 2 yrs ago that's the decision I made simply because all the time I'd go back and want revenge I'd get drawn back into my old routine of Gamble lose chase and it just takes over your life and nothing ever changes . Gambling beat the cra P out of me for years and I kept stepping back in the ring for another beating until I just expected those beatings even before I'd placed the bet and even that didn't stop me ! .

If you keep on doing the same thing eventually it's going to push you to far to ever come back from so I'm asking you nicely to be strong and face up to what you need to do , for you your girlfriend and everyone you hold dear .

The money's gone and as hard as that is to accept that's the one thing that will set you free and it's that simple , if your not going back looking for your losses then there's nothing to go back for is there , youve got debts that will take 5yrs to pay off so what ? join the club , I'll be another couple before mine are done with but I look on that as a good thing because it keep it real for me , if I'd have had the slate wiped clean then I'd probably just seen that as the green light to carry on , this way it's a reminder where I was , how it was caused and because the debt's now going down I can also see where I'm heading and how far I've come , so don't be scared of it , learn to live with it :)) .

Thing's can change very quickly Buddy and you can be in a very different place than you are now in quite a short time , you'll stop hurting others and you'll stop hurting yourself too , get all the blocks in place the exclusions done and make some real effort to get some real change , It really annoy's me that I can't let you feel how good it is to be gamble free but I hope you try it out for yourself this time :))

Stay close to this place and take the support were all willing to give and if urges come then hold your hand out for support , were all in this together and know how it feels :)) .

Talk to you soon mate and proud to walk alongside you :))

Thanks Alan for the long talk everything you say makes sense.

100% correct If I can let go of the losses I can start to improve. I just need to get some gamble free time under my belt because I always seem to wiggle my way into more money to gamble with.

I know it's something 99% of all gamblers go through thinking about where they should be if they hadn't lost all the money and built up debts and I'm sure that's where most gamblers struggle to stop.

I am really really really disgusted with myself for losing all the money that could have paid debts off but you are right it's got to be my penny dropping moment that I could do something so hideous to myself and others.

I do have money in the bank I could gamble and I'm not even thinking about it....For now I'm just mad and down which will take a few days ro move on from but not gambling is a positive I suppose.

Thanks again buddy keep being an inspiration!

Also I lied about blocks before and thought I could keep a little website here and it wouldn't be an issue.

I am now excluded on all sites for 2 years or more . I basically went for the maximum exclusion .

I am banned from casinos and betting shops anywhere near me. It's always been the online bit for me that's caused 99% of the trouble as it's easy to go into another room and get a fix on the sly....well no more! !!! Sticking a huge middle finger to all the gambling arenas and one to myself so I know I've been an idiot

Hi again mate , I'm glad my rambling's made a bit of sense as when it's late I do tend to go on a bit :)) . And I'm chuffed that youve become pro active and a lot more positive about dealing with this :))

Just one thing I know youv'e just said that your banned from all gambling sites for a couple of years but do you have any blocking software on your devices ? I only ask because new ones pop up all the time so the chances are you'll get offers or seek out others if the urges strike again :(( , Something like Gamblock or Netnanny maybe ? or maybe even ask your Internet provider about any blocking they could put on for you ? . I'm going on a bit but if it can keep you even safer then that's gotta be agood thing in my book :)) .

Day 2. Feel lower than low. The hangover of losing 17000 and not being 90% debt free is gone and I cannot stop thinking about it. It's no good for me and I just keep thinking of how to kill myself but it's frustrating me that I won't do it because of my baby that's on the way.

I don't know if these thoughts will ever go or if I will ever get over the biggest loss by far I have ever had but I will try to keep trying anyway.

At work but already broke down crying once just for pure thought of it. Not brought any food or money to work because I know I don't want to eat.

Nothing positive to say right now but who knows when some days have passed I might have

Morning "G " :))

It's Day 2 not week 7 and it's not just gonna dissapear in a couple of day's , those feelings will stay with you for a while and I totally get that as I felt exactly the same , once we decide to stop either because we have to or we finally decide to and the first day or so are euphoric , were so happy because weve made that decision and " This is really it " , 24 hrs later were looking back at our losses feeling sorry for ourselves and wondering once again if we should have " Just one more more bet " to clear the slate ? . It doesn't happen mate , it hasn't so far and ultimately that's why your here !! .

Youve a beautifull baby on the way and what sort of legacy is that going to leave for your partner and the baby if you go along with your thoughts ? . That's what stopped me , I was sat in my daughters garden at a BBQ , looking at her surrounded by friends and family and thinking "If I go through with this , how's she going to remember me " as a Dad who couldn't handle losing a bit of money and didn't care what mess he left behind or was I going to be the father she looked upto all her life , who addmited he'd been weak but who was also sticking around to clean up his mess ? Thankfully I made the right choice and the mess is now being cleared up and she's still looking upto me in a way only your child can :)).

Feeling sorry for ourselves is our first thoiught , all through our gambling life weve never thought about anyone except ourselves and were selfish to the core and when you stop " It's time for change " so grieve by all means for " Money lost and what youv'e done it's a natural proccess but It's also time to dig deep , take a deep breath and get on with fixing it , you can do this but sometimes you have to give yourself " one big kick up the @r*e " and just get on with it " One day at a time " .

I'm just heading out the door but will be about later if you need a chat ? .

Talk to you soon matey :))

Alan

Thanks Alan

Totally agree, obviously he proof is in the pudding but right now if I was handed 1000 free money I don't think I would gamble. Everyone's gambling limits are different, who knows if this is my limit!?!

One thing I do know is I haven't ever felt like this after gambling....usually it's frustration and anger and heartache but I've hit that much of a low that I thinks it's finally beaten me. Still have my 80 birthday cash sat at home and if I really wanted to I could find a way to gamble it but instead I spent 40 quid of it on some new outfits for my baby girl.

What's disgusted me so much is how good it felt to buy something for someone else without it being an occasion. It sounds pathetic because it is, but I haven't bought clothes like I used to over the lat 2-3 years as my gambling had got worse, things for my partner not even flowers.

Those f u ckers at the gambling sites won't get another penny from me I swear it,but I am struggling to get over losses still and probably will for a while as you said.

How do you feel when you look at your partner alan?

Is it normal that I just want dont understand why she is still with me and hasn't left me? Does she resent me and what I have done over the last few years? Is she ever going g to trust me again? I just don't know what to make of it.

Cheers bud. I have my first counselling session today too so that's something I'm excited about!!

Just back from walking the dog :))

I really hope that as you said " Gambling's beat you " this time and to be honest I'm even more hopefull it's " Kicked the *****" out of you ? , then you'll think twice about going back again , I just got to te point that I couldn't keep taking those beatings anymore :(( .

You know " That's what money is for " to live , to be able as you say " to buy for others without regret " " To treat a loved one " to abunch of flowers and not just because your trying to cover up a big gambling loss ? . We lose all sense of money , it's just a means to an end " Gambling tokens " and nothing else , unfortunately it's not until it's all gone that we realise just how much we need it for everyday life ! .

As regard to the " Partner " question ? . When I look at her now I think that I'm treating her the way she deserve's , I'm no longer treating her like a mug , lying and cheating just to satisfy my addiction , I'm thinking about her and what she mean's to me , thinking about everything she does for me withought thought for herself and the way she stood by me in my time of need instead of runningas fast as she could for the door .

I think what your questioning is what we all go through " Our own self worth " ," why is she still here" and " How can she love me " I'm not good enough for her " and that again is sometghing that will change over time , you need to start " Loving yourself " a little before things change and as I said before " If the foundations are good then it can all be fixed " , the trust will come back but you have to show her you mean business and stop messing her around ? .

I really hope your councilling goes well and you get afew answers mate :))

Talk to you soon

Alan

Cheers alan.

I need to walk my dog more he has suffered aswell. He probably knows when ive won because that mean lots of walks and then when I lose its no walks and bad moods.. love my boxer george too and he needs some more of my attention.

It truly has beaten 10 shades out of me and I just know this is going to be what I look back on as my turning point. That's not c**k inessential that's determination and hate for the life I have lived for 5 years. I have ruined or sullied 5 of "the best years of my life" I don't know how but I have still done amazing things but gambling has stopped me doing unbelievable things!

The reason I asked about partners is because we had a chat last night. I told her what I had done and she cried for me and the baby is what she said. She said she didn't want a broken family with me visiting twice a week to see my girl while she looks at someone she loves with all of her heart knowing that she can't be with them because they are self destructing. She gave me my final chance for the 10th time.... I told her that if I ever gambled again she wouldn't need to leave me because either would leave her to save her.

Like you say I have put my money where my mouth is and I have started to talk sense. I just now to have to walk the walk.

Makes it a lot easier with guys like you on here alan. If I need answers I can rely on you and I hope to be where you are soon bud. Someone who can contribute to trying to save others who have suffered.

Footy tonight and a game of snooker. No footy bets and no cards with the lads after. Not even tempted!

All the best bud speak soon

I don't pretend to have all the answer's mate otherwise I have stopped gambling far sooner in my life or better still " Never started " and I'd also have a lucrative " Book deal" by now :)) .

Nobody want's a broken family and your partner just like mine sound's a wise Lady but come on " Ten time's " ? Give the girl a break eh ? , she won't hang around forever you know :((

I look on this " Addiction " as nothing more than a bad habit that's just got really out of hand to the point of becoming destructive to everything you hold dear in life , I refuse to " Big it up " by giving it all the fancy label's and look on it simply being about making some changes to your life , making things different and re learning what's important in life , the importance of enjoying new experiences and also the value of money , all of which were well and truly lost while gambling and am of the belief that you can make this as easy or as difficult as you want it to be .

I give gambling no credit for anything good in my life and I'll not waste a minute longer giving it any further thought other than my recovery which I take responsibility for along with my gambling which was always about me and I don't ever lay the blame at the feet of anyone else , my choice , my mess and I'll sort it :)) .

Sorry went of on a bit of a ramble there :(( .

Youv'e been through this before with the up and down emotions , just ride it out , make a decent plan to tackle this head on and stick to it , whatever you may feel from day to day will pass and yesterday can't hurt you anymore and tommorow's a blank canvass waiting to be drawn :))

Talk to you soon Bud :))

What else are you going to do to show your partner you mean business? She's heard it all before now she needs to see the words backed up with action. Self exclusion has its (limited) place but you still have access to money. Have you offered her full control of your finances? Making yourself accountable to someone else makes it very much harder for you to gamble in secret.