Happy birthday...not!

Thanks again guys. Lethe ypu are right my friend and I also handed over my wages to be paid into her account as part of me meaning business and being on my last chance.

I am banned from all sites I can get my hands on. I have only ever played online casino blackjack...hand on my heart never anything else, mever spun the wheel or played the slots so I know I can't play blackjack now I'm banned and I need to look at software.

She knows I mean business because for the first time ever I laid it alk on the table and was ready for her to leave me and accepted it before we even spoke. She has given me 3-4 chances before and this is my ls9 and my time to nip it in the bud.

I still have 500 a mo th after bills and debts which I can live on but it still hangs over me that on saturday/aunday I blew the chance to be 90% debt free and had 900 a month to live on. That hurts me like you can imagine.

I say the amount again as a reminder to me that I have to move on from this life and focus on the future.

Also Alan Totally agree yes it's addiction but formed from just weeks and mo th and years of a hideous habit. I know that with gamble free time under my belt I will get my old self back I have just become so in the zone and embroiled with gambling that I live for it. Work all the hours and sweat for it. Die for it if I had of not maybe had the wake up call I had this weekend

Dear diary

Day 3 and no gambling so far and there won't be any time today. At work busy on site all day, got plans later on to keep me busy too.....to be honest not even thinking about gambling. As I said before I'm beat and I feel sick even thinking about gambling....All I see if my crying girlfriend from the other night.

She said one thing that sticks out in my mind. She said, "I keep thinking your cheating because you say you will be in at 10 but your out until 3, you hide your phone a d you hide your personal life. When you are telling me you have stopped gambling when I ask and you do all that I can't help but think you are cheating"

I could cry every time I see her face and hear those words. They will stay with me forever and they are strength enough to keep me going (hopefully for good).

I am doing now what I haven't done before, reading people's diaries on recovery, being honest and opening up to my girlfriend and yesterday got counselling.

Could selling was amazing it gave me reassurance from a pprofessional that gambling can be beaten, that whilst I have been silly, I aren't a total idiot. I am very successful in work for my age and that I can continue to be if I kick this addiction out of my life for good.

Opening up on here and counselling and with my partner had made me feel a billion times better about stopping than I ever have. Before I went 80% on stopping it....now I realise that whilst it's early days,I have gone 99% to stopping. There's always 1% there where you can gamble....me working about 2 mind away from a bookies I aren't banned from because I'm an hour from home is the 1%. The 1% that that bookies can go and shove it because I won't be going in there!!!

Today's an extra hard day because it's the day that realistically I should have 16000 go into my account...but I reversed the withdrawal and it would have all gone back into the gambling pot eventually. Maybe in a week or a month or 2 years.

Long diary but I want to write how I feel. And today it's happy. Money in my pocket and account (100 quid total) but no gambling

If you read from people on the Family and friend's section they often speak of our gambling being akin to " Having an affair " and I suppose it must be that way for them with the secrets / lies / covering up and spending hours in the bookies with our mistress , so it's no wonder when they actually think you are having an affair is it ? .

I'm happy to hear you gained from the councilling session and even more pleased to hear you say that your " happy today " :))

All the best " G "

Yeah I have done some reading on that section it's motivation to stop seeing all the suffering and it's all undeserved suffering which makes it worse.

I am happy today but when I keep getting spare time at work im having the horrible feelings of I should have 16 in my account t and buzzing and paying debts and taking her out and buying her a new bag etc etc.

I told her how I was feeling and she was great she just said "that's gone but I'm here, forget hat and focus on me and the baby".

I go on I know lol but wow it hurts. All in all though in comparison to 3 days ago I'm feeling good.

Hope you are well Alan!!

I know it hurt's mate but like I said your Mrs sound's like a goodun so listen to her for once , as hard as it is stop thinking " I could have done this and that with the money " would you ? , Honestly you know as well as I do that if you'd managed to keep hold of the winnings you'd have just carried on until it would be gone anyway and even if you had have managed to take it away and pay off a chunk of debt how long before you took out more credit to gamble again , it's ok to wipe the slate clean if it stay's clean but like myself your a Compulsive Gambler and as such it ain't gonna stay clean for long .

Stop gambling now with the debt in tow as a reminder as to where you were and however slowly watch it going down on amonthly basis through hard work , it's not forever and like your partner said " Youv'e better things to focus your time on " .

And I'm all good mate thank's for asking :))

Day 4 and thank god I'm at work it always helps to keep busy and try and keep my thoughts at bay.

Yesterday was hard knowing I should have had the money to clear my debts but if I continue to wallow like I have in my pit of "what ifs" it will consume any chance I have of moving on. So that's stopping here!!

I want to not only become gamble free, but I want the increase in mental health and happiness that comes with it.

Naturally stopping gambling leads to more money which leads to less stress...but ultimately I need to leave ever aspect of gambling behind, physically and mentally....

Hope everyone's having some success!!

Day 6 gamble free...honestly feels like forever since I last gambled...but in a good way.

Haven't even felt tested by the football or tempted to play BJ online at all!

Went to the cinema at the weekend....watched the kingsman - deffo recommend it....was hilarious. I paid for it and the nachos and drinks etc.

Keep having these little moment where I just think "why did I ever gamble, I couldn't afford to come the cinema or but all the treats and spend around 30-40 quid in total unless I had a win normally

Pathetic but just shows how you lose touch with small little things..

Deprived me and my girfriend of these little treats for so long so but felt good to do good for once!

Also got offered to go to the casino with a friend Saturday night and disnt give it the time of day and didn't even lie I said "no mate everytime I go 32nd up losing so no thanks"

Morning GBoy. Thanks for your visit to my diary last week. Big congratulations on one week. A small blip in time but one of massive significance from a CG's point of view. Gambling dumbs our senses and spoils all of the wonderful things in life that people should enjoy as a normal matter of course. As you say, just focus on being content with and enjoying the small things. I am a big fan of The Kingsmen so may well take my boy to watch it this weekend. Stay stong my friend and keep posting.

Markman

Day 16 gamble free.. been in benidorm over the last days which is why I haven't posted.

Some of the lads bet on the horses out there and get a kitty going but I wasn't tempted.

Got to keep it going but this is the longest I haven't gambled in 5 years which is awesome!