Hi guys
I want to start by saying how much I miss visiting the site. I have changed my profile name, on my old gam care account as I left my tablet on one night, and someone I trusted read everything that I wrote and then I stopped posting and returned to gambling. I'm not blaming that person for my decision to gamble, but it certainly contributed to me not posting anymore.
I had a great run in 2015, I think I got to date 240 and then I slowly started placing the odd bet and I'm back to day one. The past couple of days has not been great, so I messaged a cousellor yesterday so I can talk about my 20 plus years gambling. I literally wanted to drive to some secluded spot yesterday, and all kinds of horrible thoughts were in my mind, I cried and even considered self harminv.
I literally feel lost again, it's the classic been here before scenario that I actually feel safe in if that makes sense? It's funny how after all these years of harm, there is a certain sense of clarity when you hit the bottom again. I honestly hate myself at the moment, and my life really isn't that bad. I think my brain is just in a big knot, like a piece of wool that has become tangled up after years in a box.
Anyway, we all have problems...so I am by means giving you my sob story, I just want to be actively involved in stopping. I would also like to apologise to those who are counting in to the many hundreds of days, as I arrogantly felt that there was no need to post after such great success, I almost felt that it felt a bit like showing off (how wrong I was).
The simple fact is once you have had an addiction, it is always there in reality. How foolish I was to let my twisted thought process get in the way. You guys inspire me to try harder, again keep up the great work everyone 🙂
Hi Reaper. I think you'd be hard pushed to find anyone on here who's only had one day one. I relapsed after ten years! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go again. We're all here to listen and help, never judge. Look forward to hearing your success story well into the hundreds then thousands. All the very best my friend #Justbelieve
Cheers mate, I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment. My girlfriend has been questioning me a lot, asking if I habeen gambling and how much. To be honest I am not comfortable sharing my feeling with people I know, as they are the ones that will usually "judge".
I hate myself so much at the moment, and I had many dark thoughts last night and I really don't want to go hurting myself, and more importantly the people close to me. So yes, it's just a case of picking myself up and the next step is to see a cousellor. My only concern is I visit a counsellor, then my girlfriend keeps asking, where have you been, have you been gambling?
Obviously, if I have been getting some kind of therapy she will keep asking and digging for information, which I am not happy sharing with those close to me.
I hate all these complications. But I do appreciate your kind words of encouragement, I hope you are doing well in your recovery journey.
Ok, it has been one whole day, so to be honest counting at the moment is a bit pointless for me, as I regularly go a day without gambling. Yesterday, was a guilt ridden day. I was thinking back over the past 2 days of gambling, losing money that I could not afford.
I am once again very grateful, that I can visit the forum as it really does help to keep temptation at bay. Previous posts gave me the ability to stop gambling for around 240 days. As it stands, day 2 is quite refreshing remain optimistic that by writing down my feelings, and hopefully getting the counsellor to agree a time for a consultation.
I am feeling ok today but I am still very disppointed by my behaviour over the past few months, as it was november that I finally gave in to to temptation and started gambling again. For now, my main focus is on keeping myself away from temptation. I even give the bookmakers a middle finger when i drive past in the morning, it feels empowering when i do that.
Have a good day today Reaper.
Hi reaper I'm new here also having had several relapses after attending Ga in 2014. I felt exactly like you last week and also felt like ending it all but thought about the hurt it would cause my oh and daughter. I was terrified of telling my oh after losing 1k in 2 days as he had said previously if I gambled again he would leave. But I had to risk my 7 year relationship and be totally honest with him because regardless of if he stayed or went I want to kick this evil addiction for me as I didn't like the lying secretive person I had become. I am so glad I found this forum as the support and advice has been amazing and off to GA next week. I really hope your counselling helps you along with the support on here take care x
Thank you guys, it means so much to have some positive words of encouragement. I literally just wanted to say I give up the other day, just because it has all been getting a bit much. I am sure we will all cross paths on here regularly, so I hope to post directly to you all as individuals at some point. I guess it's so easy with addiction, to spend some much time focusing on your own problems, that it becomes easy to forget other people in the same situation.
Thanks guys, I hope you are all doing great
I don't really have anything to post, not gambled for 4 days but again I can do this on a regular basis. I decided that counselling is a great opportunity to find out why I gamble, even though it is causing me a lot of problems. I have my first appointment next week,and if my last visit to a counsellor is anything to go by, I know it's going to be hard but worth it.
Early days
Day 11. Now I am starting to count, finding it manageable at the moment. Not going to town, only keep a little money on my bank card and never use my main card. That way if I need cash, I make a small transfer from my main account, in to the scone bank account and I seems to be working. Might work for others too, I leave my card in work and I haven't used it for over a week?
Well day 12 is done. Spent about 2 hours stretching in the gym earlier, working on making myself "feel" better. I feel like a new man after just 2 and a half weeks, committing 2 hours a day. Getting rid of the old me, and becoming the me I want to be, not the one I am expected to be,
Good luck to you all
Hi Reaper
Just read this through; I got to 12 weeks day 84; this is nuts w*f happened to me but back to day8 . The guys on here helped that is relapse is not a bad thing gl
Day 14. No urges and I have been keeping busy. Going to speak 5o someone one Wednesday evening about my gambling issues, maybe I will finally find out a little more about myselfand why I do it? Langtoft, it is so annoying when we have to get back to the familiar day one scenario, I mentioned previously that it's a nice safe place to be at day one, as it's the day that we finally decide we don't need gambling anymore.
I would recommend the use of a secondary bank card, and leaving the main one out of sight. My motivation is retirement day, the day where I go out for a slap up meal and look back on my life, and the life that remains. I know ehere I want to be, I want to be the wise man who has made mistakes, and is all the stronger for it. I don't want to be the man who is still in a hole at 65-70, wondering why he can't afford the things he enjoys. I want to be the wise man looking back as I said, I just hope that is who I will, become.
Day 16, nice and sunny outside so that's a good start in my book. So, I have decided to speak to someone tonight about gambling and other issues in my life. We all have issues or have had issues that have affected us in different ways, I generally don't talk about my problems I really store it all internally, and my exercise routine generally feels like I am punishing myself sometimes.
After 16 days without a bet, I really have spent more time slowing things down. No hard training, just stretching and relaxing and I feel like a different person, I feel free. Now I was pretty close to cancelling this appointment tonight, but that's is what I have always done, I never commit to the things that will make my life better. I will bite the bullet, as it felt like the right decision 2 weeks ago when I was at home on my own for a week and gambling has always been one of my many issues.
Day 23...its been a good week again. Went to see a counsellor the other day, I was going to back out at the last minute, but I'm glad that I didn't. I'm actually realising that my problem isn't with gambling, I'm using it as the perfect escape from all of problems.
Looking forward to visiting family on the weekend, not looking forwards to the 4 hour drive. Anyway, 3 weeks and counting.
A good positive read Reaper I remember you say about the counselling and glad you took that step sounds like it is proving useful for you.
KTF
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