Help

I am my own fool, went to a pantomime with them today. I'm just torturing myself but any moments I get with them are so precious to me. I will stay strong, I haven't gambled and I will now remove myself from the position I keep finding myself in and concentrate on my recovery.

Pretty confident she won't wait 6 months for me, she makes me feel utterly worthless at times

In that case Matt, she is not good for you at this time.us gamblers know how to make ourselves feel worthless, we don't need anyone else to do that 🙂

Hi Matt ,reading your post and you seem like a really good guy ,what I can tell you is your ex does still have feelings for you or you wouldn't be going to a pantomine with her , it seems your making yourself seem worthless which you most certainly are not and I think your ex might be playing on your insecurities which is wrong on her behalf .matt I left my ex when my son was four hardest thing I ever done and I thought what am I doing I met the girl of my dreams four months later and got married and my son stays with us three nights a week , what I'm trying to say to you is you need to lift yourself .what you done is in the past and don't let anyone drag you down .you will be happy again believe me

I'm a good guy who's done some S****y things to people he loves.

My mistakes and illness have cost me my family but I have to let them move on and be happy and I cannot be pulled back into feeling no self worth everyday.

I regret everything but those girls saved my life. I am finally addressing all my issues and I am understanding who I am when I gamble and how I arrived at this point in my life.

My new life is going to be one I dedicate every day to being a great man. A solid, loving, trustworthy person who can be relied on through thick and thin.

I cannot let myself feel worthless any longer as this is what got me here in the first place.

Day 98 today. I will not gamble. I'm still very very sad, I still would do anything for my girls but if my ex truly doesn't want me it's time to finally break this cycle, clear a path and see where life takes me as the new Matt.

Good to meet the new Matt 🙂 Almost at the 100 days, how good is that? Keep going, one day at a time....it can only get better.

Hi Rhoda,

Yep nearly 100 days is pretty incredible considering the traumas of this break up.

I had a good chat with my mum earlier. She is my biggest fan but I had to put her straight, I don't think she realised the shear magnitude of my problems and the hurt I have caused others.

I can't describe how I feel really. I realise what this illness has done to me but I don't feel sorrow for me I feel pretty shocked at what it has been capable of and what it has made me do to people I love. They never deserved all this and how they must truly be feeling is indescribable pain. All the apologies in the world will never heal them. I would literally take all their pain as my own but life just doesn't work that way. The tragedy is they have given me a new tomorrow as a better man and have saved me from this hell but it has come at the ultimate cost of their broken hearts, I cannot forgive myself for the pain I have caused them.

I feel a strange sense of nothingness at the moment, an eerie sense of calm. I guess I know my direction now and my purpose in life and today is the day I take my first step up from the depths of rock bottom.

I have no idea on life's big plan for me but I will make sure that it will not involve gambling or reckless behaviour that will cause hurt to anyone.

I owe two girls my life and I won't forget them. I will cherish and honour their memory, pray for their happiness every day of my life.

Tomorrow is day 99. Nearly the first big landmark.

Stay strong everyone

Matt

Real tough moments. Just watched the Jungle Book with my friends children sat both on my lap. Holding my emotion together so hard. It felt so good to feel that but so tough emotionally at the same time.

This illness truly took everything from me NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Day 99 begins!!

Got a days holiday today so gonna get out and about. Meeting a mate tonight I haven't seen in a while too so that will cheer me up.

100 days tomorrow Matt.....you should be very proud of yourself.

Enjoy your night out tonight and enjoy tomorrow when it arrives.

Damo

Thanks Damo.

100 days is a land mark for sure.

Looking forward to seeing an old face and hopefully having a little banter back in my life.

How is your journey going?

I'm a few days off a year now Matt.....it's been a struggle but I'm getting there slowly. One day at a time as they say 🙂

I've been where you are though, so I can totally understand how you feel. I've lost many a relationship through my gambling but now I am in the happiest relationship I've ever been in. Getting married this year actually .

I've also reconnected with a lot old friends. I guess I am a lot more fun to be around these days. It's time like this you really realise who your true friends are.

Damo

I'm really pleased for you mate. A year is a great achievement, well done.

I was due to be getting married August 24 this year. My lies, deceits and betrayals ruined that chance. I guess it all happens for a reason though. I will be a great person in future. I feel awful for my ex, I wish I could turn back time knowing what I know now but I know that's not an option. She truly was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I'm so lucky that the friends I have chosen are incredible people, all in their own way. It seems that is the only thing I have done right in life.

I will never gamble or do anything in future that puts me back to this position or where I have been before. I know it in my heart now, I am no longer in denial. My friends are all still here stood by me and I will not let them or myself down ever again.

Right I'm off out. Take it easy mate. Speak soon.

Matt

Day 99 done. Strange feeling knowing that day 100 is tomorrow. I'm optimistic for my future for the first time ever really but feel for my girls, I hope they are tucked up in bed asleep and safe.

Tonight I am back in another friends spare room for a week, I am alternating between friends now to try and not impact on their lives too much. This is the immediate future for me now until my house sale can be sorted. I have accepted my fate now. As much as I love them I have to let them go now to be happy.

Going to put everything into sorting myself out so I never hurt anyone or myself again, it is all I can do without a time machine sadly.

I will post tomorrow when day 100 begins.

Night all