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Congratulations Matt you really are a legend on the GamCare Forum.

It is heartwarming to see fellow travellers going long periods gamble free and improving their quality of life. It sends out a very positive message to others on the diaries.

I applaud you my friend and wish you every success in your future endeavours...stephen

DAY 826 gamble free

Happy New Year all, I hope you had a good Xmas and if you are at the early stages fighting this addiction I hope you got through it as best you can. This time next year I promise will be better if you can continue to abstain.

I haven't updated for quite a while. It was a hectic period with work and then Xmas and New Year. Thanks for the comments on my diary, as I have said on many occasions they have helped me so much in the past to stay motivated and give me the strength and courage to continue.

2 years ago my life was a mess and I had no idea what lay before me. I was a broken man at rock bottom who's house of cards had crumbled. I was an open book, exposed as a liar, an addict, a cheat, my ex twisting the knife whenever she could and firing a cannon at me whenever she could in an attempt to destroy me emotionally. I went to some very dark places. I cried every day for months but I remained determined to turn it all around. It felt hopeless on many occasions but I kept the faith. For the first time in my life I grabbed hold of the hands of my friends and family and pulled myself up.

I had already started my gamble free journey before I was exposed. I knew it all had to stop because I had destroyed my finances and was in a huge mountain of debt staring up at it. I went to hell and back on repeat for years before November 2016 and kept it all hidden. This time was different, I had no choice but to admit to my flaws and get the help I needed. That time in my life, as awful as it was I had to go through it all. I was under permanent emotional attack from my ex fiance, whom I hurt badly, I hold no bad feeling toward her, it was her way of dealing with it.

I went to councelling as I knew I had to gain the knowledge and understanding of the illness I will carry for the rest of my life and I had to address it. I know now I can survive anything life throws at me. I will use faith, honesty, inner strength, the love from those around me and of course the love I now have for myself to move through life and the little adventures i will go on while living.

Anyone who reads this diary and are struggling to beat this addiction, please hear me. It can and will get better if you abstain. It is extremely hard but not impossible. Embrace who you are and be kind to yourself. The shame we carry as an addict and the pain we inflict on ourselves is not fair but comes part and parcel with the illness. You can beat it and you will, I promise you.

Matt

Happy New Year Matt, what a solid gold post if ever there were one! You have literally been to the very edge of where gambling can take you and you have made it back. As you say your journey will give anyone who reads it hope and the belief that they can escape from gambling. Your good self and your diary have been an inspiration to myself and I'm sure many others, thanks so much Sharon x

Day 834 gamble free

So tonight is a time of reflection. Over 2 years of abstinence and a continuing change for the better as a person. It’s funny what you think about when you pause for a moment and take it all in.

I am having a fair amount of work done on my house, when I moved here it was to start a new life with a girl whom I thought was the love of my life. Strange now that I know she never was, not even in the top 3. It is funny what gambling does to you, it can literally consume your whole mind and cloud any logical and rational thoughts, almost putting those to the side. Real life going on around you while all you can think of is the gamble. I was so good at pretending to be in the room that nobody ever knew the real me until I was exposed two and a bit years ago.

I lived my life as a happy go lucky guy who everyone liked, constantly eager to please and desperately not wanting to let anyone down. The word “no” was almost impossible for me. I still have some of those traits but I’m a healthy individual mentally and I’ve learnt so so much. Sometimes I also feel I know too much these days, I feel I wish I knew all this about me when I was younger without so much hurt in my past. I’ve hurt people and I have been hurt, I’d never do that now to anyone, nor would I accept it from anyone else.

In my early posts I was wishing for a time machine to put it all right. I don’t want that now but I do wish I could have people know who have come and gone from my life how much they meant to me and still mean to me. Life has a funny way of teaching you hard lessons and the person I am now appreciates every second.

Some days I’m sad because I feel I have lost a lot of time and wasted it gambling. Why didn’t I get the help sooner? Why didn’t I have this head on my shoulders then? I’m 39 later this year and although, not old it does feel like my best years were swallowed up and ruined in the throws of addiction. All I can do now is continue to abstain and live my best life from here on in as I will never be as young as I am today.

Stay strong all

Matt

matt

868 days without a bet

Apologies for the lack of update. Tomorrow I meet with a surgeon to discuss my shoulder surgery. Not too happy about having another op but it needs doing after more dislocations. This will be my third surgery!

Life is going okay, not a huge amount to tell. No gambling, no urges, still an addict in recovery. I look back occasionally and reflect on my journey and I am proud of myself for getting to where I am today.

i hope everyone can get to a point in their recovery where they feel the same.

Stay strong all

DAY 891

Still gamble free. Had a busy few weeks with work but that part of my life is going from strength to strength, really exciting times ahead. On a sad note a colleague here who has been battling cancer is now in the last stages of life, all very sad and such a dreadful illness. Another reason to move forward and not to waste a second of life at the mercy of the gamble. I also heard on the grapevine that my ex (who was the subject of many an entry here a couple of years back) has had a baby. I am genuinely happy to hear the news, she moved on fast and she certainly tested my emotional strength at times but she got her Happy Ever After and I am happy for her and her other daughter whom I loved dearly. I am a firm believer in fate, everything that happens is for a reason. Life is about lots of different adventures and each one of those is a blessing, even the real tough ones.

I received a phone call this morning to confirm the date for my shoulder surgery, 2 weeks today! I am dreading it but it really has to be done. I have had 2 previous failed attempts at fixing the problem so this one I hope works! It is a bit of a gruesome, painful procedure that involves cutting some bone and s******g it into place to act as a block so hopefully no more dislocations! The worst part is the recovery, 6 weeks min in a sling and having to sleep in it, no driving etc then a few months physio to get me back and mobile again! I am however very fortunate, I can do some work from home so that should help keep my mind active at least. My 2 previous surgeries some of my recovery was spent gambling online, this will not be happening!

Stay strong all.

Matt

Day 916

I’m currently off work recovering from shoulder surgery with a lot of time on my hands. I can honestly say I rarely think about gambling at all these days but I will always accept it lives within me.

On Friday I attended a colleagues funeral, he had been battling cancer and unfortunately the horrible disease got the better of him. At times like that you reflect on your own mortality. Life is very short and you never know when it is your time. Sometimes life can get in the way so my advice as one who feels qualified now to say it....do not waste a second gambling, if you have this dreadful addiction please believe that if you stop that it can better every day you don’t have that next gamble. I know the debt part for us is sometimes overwhelming and we feel great shame in creating that debt mountain but do not beat yourself up, put the stick away and work on improving your self esteem and accept there is no short cut to pay it back.

I haven’t posted much in recent times but I do check in occasionally. I felt completely dead inside an utter shell of a man 900 odd days ago when my problems were exposed. Well I have bounced back and I want everyone here to believe they can do the same.

Love yourself, forgive yourself, find out who you are and what makes you happy. Accept your mistakes, your flaws, keep your promises, especially to yourself and never gamble again.

I feel fortunate now to have hit rock bottom because I now value everything so much more. There is just one life to live and no time to waste and finally no matter how low this addiction has taken you, there is always a way back and you just have to believe that anything is possible.

Matt

Hey Matt, no updates in 18 months how are you doing?  I have been an addict for 20 years and just recently hit rock bottom and feel hopeless but reading your posts from the beginning has given me some hope.  Thanks for all the inspiration you have provided us addicts.   Wish you all the best. 

Jason  

yeah me too...counting out my pills. I am going to kill myself because of the nightmare I live in . I don't gamble. I am a victim of it

your rock bottom? I am experiencing rock bottom not by choice but because of someone else's gambling adiction. does anyone actually care about us? or is it all about you- the poor sad gamblers? YOu literally kill us]