Here I am

So today marks day 12 gf for me. And this is my recovery diary.

I'm now nearly two weeks in to my gf journey and it already seems a life time away from the person I was on that last desperate night.

This is a long post but I need to get my whole story out I think it will help.

My story began after losing everything and even money I didn't have. Like many who find themselves hitting rock bottom and desperate for a way out I was there too.

I found this wonderful forum by typing in to Google gambling is ruining my life. I didn't know where to go or who to turn to. So I started reading some of the forums on here and saw some stark comparisons to the way I was feeling and the trouble I was in.

I saw a frequent site popping up in a lot of recent threads called GAMSTOP. I thought that sounded to good to be true... one site that could block me from making new accounts and from accessing my old accounts. Can't be that easy can it? But it was. I registered on the GAMSTOP website. It wasn't easy.
I faltered on the site for a good half a day debating whether to block myself off completely hovering over that button that says complete registration.

Would I be able to cope with not going on the sites? They were my whole life, they stopped boredom they became my best friend... they gave me comfort right? NO.
they were my worst enemy they put me where I am i got sucked in and wasted years of my life gambling money i didnt have for a two minute high? In the end even when i won hundreds it didnt seem like enough. I needed thousands to recover from my debts and they could give me that money! Wrong again...
those bigs wins rarely come and even when they did come once or twice i ended up using those wins to pay off the amounts i put in the sites in the first place, so i was never winning really I was just feeding them their money back.
Stuck in a viscious circle but if i blocked myself i couldnt ever get those wins to help me get through the months. I hated that feeling. i was helpless i was depressed and miserable. I needed those wins because i didnt get enough money in every month to even pay my bills right?
Because im always penniless. How will i cope if i block myself?
I just will because I can't do this anymore im stuck.
I hit the button and blocked myself for 5 years..... i felt instant regret.

I have a big amount of debt because I gambled away my bill money monthly. Luckily I always managed to pay my rent and important bills to keep my house running. Some people aren't so lucky I know this.

I sat down and I worked out my income per month and what I have after I pay my bills. That's every bill I need to pay per month rent, council tax ect and i still had money left over... 300 pounds after all my bills had been paid. That can't be right can it? Because I've spent years living hand to mouth buying value food and scraping pennies together so I can buy bread and milk. No that's not right. I've miscalculated surely. So I checked again, o*g it was right.

In that one moment I thought what have I been doing with my life?! How have I been living on the bread line when I have all that extra income per month? Because my gambling addiction took over that's why. I put my family on the edge because of my selfish ways. Thank goodness I hit block on GAMSTOP when I did. No more days of them taking all my money.

I spent the first few days in a complete daze feeling sorry for myself and not knowing what to do with my time. I knew for sure I couldn't get on those sites though because I was blocked. So I started to clean around the house do jobs I've neglected because I was attached to my phone every day playing pointless slots and bingo even when I was desperately unhappy. I spoke to my husband and opened up about every thing it was so hard. He talked to me and we both cried it was awful. However He was amazing about it and understood it's an addiction and has helped me transfer any monies coming in to my bank to now go in to his bank. So I have another tool to help me not gambling because I have no access to money

This was the start of my new life. No more gambling ever!

So in the past 12 days I've managed to face my fears and open all my letters ive been avoiding for months and months and face these debts. I've worked out all my debts and ive I contacted stepchange I'm now waiting to get on to a debt management plan so I can start paying off my creditors month by month. It's going to take years... but I will get there because I'm not wasting another penny on those awful money grabbing sites.

It's still early days but I have the fight and hopefully the will power to get through this I'll update my diary every few days as I find writing down my feelings helps me especially when I get those urges in my head!