Hope

lol how silly am i read your diary about 20 mintes ago and realised i must have read it all last night what an idiot i am..... far too many beers last night tc xxx michelle

Ty for your word of encourages!

I saw that you have taken up the running, i think that is a great thing to do instead of be at home doing nothing!

I did start training again when i decided to stop gamble, before i started to gamble i did have a solid training routine and took part in different running- skiing and cyclings events on an amateur base of course.... 🙂

I have put up some goals for my training and are going to be up for my first race the 27 sept, its a 30k terrain race in Stockholm(sweden) Maybe put up some goals considering the training? If you would like to i could give you some good ideas of how to train fun !

I read your last post and i can see that you do struggle like myself with beating this devil hanging over the shoulder...i know the feeling but stay strong and im positive that when the days passes the struggle will take less and less effort on us!

/ Stefan

Thanks for your comments everyone.. as others have said..its always nice to hear a few words of encouragment from others.

Am feeling a bit down this evening..have eaten far too much..comfort eating I suppose. The day has gone smoothly enough though..no major problems.. no urges to or thoughts about gambling. Am just checking in really being accountable to my diary. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Its been one of those days.. whatever one of those days actually means. I just feel like writing really.. see where my thoughts go.

Today at work I was asked to answer certain questions about a collegue whom the management are trying to get rid of.. I said "no comment" which is a perfectly reasonable position to take i think. However in a small organisation where personal loyalites are seemingly everything I may regret that.

For anyone who has been following my diary since the start will see that work stress has been a common theme.. not so much the work.. but the politics and personalities. I try to be detached and just go in do my job and go home.. and lately I have been doing that better and the rollercoaster of emotions had died down.. but after todays events it seems to be back again. I feel insecure and a level of paranoia is developing about what is going to happen to me next. I feel so out of control with events. I react to developments..thats all i can do.

At the same time i should really be actively looking for a new job and yet i am doing very little about it... I think perhaps my self-confidence has taking a battering recently. Am not sure how all this is going to end anymore. I feel unsettled

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

My last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Hi SA, you sount so down in the dumps, please keep going, keep your head high you know you can do it so please just do. I know where you are right now sure there has been others feeling the same but just hang in there you can do it.

Hi bandit.. thanks for that.. I am down in the dumps. Actually I feel quite angry this morning.. ive been up since 5am.. pacing around and thinking about things. Its not a great headspace to be in.. but as you say I will hang in their.

Its day 115 since my slip. I am happy with my acheivment. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Sorrry to hear thet your down in the dumps mate - i suppose it is something that we all go thru from time to time. Still, could be a bloody site worse - we could still be gambling!

Hope you perk up soon mate and well don eon day 15.

Tiodaat

Hi SA,

Thank you for those words of encouragement. We are just about neck and neck in our recovery.

I emphathize totally with those down in the dumps feelings. I also will get downright cranky. These moods swings are hard to take. A month ago or so, someone with more than three years recovery told me that after 90 days we will begin to feel our feelings! I did not like it at all, but am getting more accustomed to them and can now at least recognize that it is withdrawal that is making me so angry-anxious-nervous, etc.

A while back, I had a very hurtful experience and I had decided that I would go gamble. I absolutely felt that I deserved to go gambling. After all, I was worthless, nothing would get better (wallow, wallow, wallow) and I may as well do whatever made me feel better.

Fortunately with some time to think on the way to the casino, I came to the conclusion that I was NOT worthless and I would not let anyone take that away from me. I understood that I needed to deal with my feelings instead of run away from them. I am very relieved I did not go. I really feel that the addiction was kicking in to trick me into going gambling to feet it, but I beat it down.

Many feelings are very difficult for us gamblers to cope with so that is one of the things we have to work very hard to overcome. We have to learn to deal with our feelings and move on.

Exellent work on your almost four months of non gambling. Keep it up and I'll see you at the finish line.

Hi Recovering,

Thank you for your thoughts. I can so relate to everything that you say. I certainly gambled to escape myself, my low-selfesteem, my feelings of inferiority, my feelings of inadequacy. Of course if you had suggested that to me when I was in action I would have said "thats nonsense..its all about money and jackpots".. but of course with the euphoria of a win or the anticipation of a win I also had escape from how i was really feeling.. and of course when i was chassing my losses I was also numb to how i was really feeling. I fully accept that my gambling was nothing to do with money.

I am happy to say that for the most part my self-esteem has much improved and my feelings of inferiority and inadequacy have diminished. But i also know as you suggest.. that when feelings of worthlessness and self-pity kicks in.. thats when the addiction, my addiction starts to kick in as well. I have to keep on my guard

Today has been a good day... I enjoyed a long walk this morning before going into work and am generally feeling pretty ok in myself. Today my addiction is far away over the horizon. Regards to all who read this..S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Well another day nearly passed gambling free. I feel very tired today. Its one of those days where I could have gone out drinking with friends but I thought better of it today... i'd only end up feeling like cr** tomorrow. Its 8.15 and am already feeling like sleep.

No thoughts of gambling today.. all is fine on that front. regards to all who read this..S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Still gambling free 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year

May seems so long ago. It's a wonderfully long time without the problems gambling brings. Despite your ups and downs you are still gamble free.

Regards,

Pepper

Thanks pepper I appreciate your comments :-).. as you say despite the ups and downs I am gambling free.. day at a time as always.

Having said the above.. I am having more downs than ups at the moment. Other than not gambling there aint a great deal of positivity within me.. i feel listless and aimless... and besides going to work and going to the gym and swim place (the core of my recovery) am not doing a great deal else. last night i was out drinking.. my hangover was not good.. it was a lovely day outside but not that i was in touch with it.

Although I am now 4 months since last slip.. my resolve and motivation to keep going is starting to ebb away. My gambling head says.. "well done mate.. you can go for long periods of time without gambling.. that is a great acheivment... now is the time to treat yourself to secret little gamble!.. it will be ok and you will win and have some fun!!"

At the moment I am able to dismiss this thought as nonsense... but in reality i can see gambling on the horizon..and a part of me wants to reach out to it... it feels like bit by bit i am starting to be drawn back in.

I have a hangover today.. am sure tomorrow I will feel differently. I just think i need to acknowlege my thoughts as they are here and now. anyway am off to bed and to sleep now.. no gambling today.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

That is always a problem with me, SA. I've said before it sometimes feels like abstinence has no 'end product'. It's hard to keep focussed when the event of gambling and its pain and horror is far behind you and the seas have calmed. It feels like there is no longer anything to keep strong 'against', I suppose. We need to learn strategies for keeping focussed long after the event.

We all gambled in the first place because we found it attractive at that time. However, the misery it has caused is something we have learnt since. I think we need to fight one with the other.

Regards,

Pepper.

Hi pepper,

You sum it up well i think.. the reasons that gambling became attractive in the first place are still there..the pilot light is always on.. hence the need to maintain the strategies for keeping away from that first bet. If I dont make the first bet then I wont make the second.

Anyway unsurprisingly today is a much better day than yesterday. Gambling and thoughts of gambling have disappeared over the horizon.. together with my hangover. I take myself into dangerous territory when i have a few drinks... but the thing is I dont feel sufficiently motivated to stop drinking all together. Its something I have to keep monitoring and being aware of. Atleast I can sit with my hangovers and not go straight to gambling like i use to.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year