Hope

Eek... Iv'e kind of got myself into an awkward situation. The new senior rang me to moan about work. Which is fine am a good listener. Later we started a text exchange. She starts asking questions. have you ever been married? etc etc. Now me being me I answer her questions and end up telling her about the gambling, which its kind of common knowledge where I work, am not bothered who knows. Anyway a further question about my childhood. I answer the question and then I ask her about hers. Now in my mind we are just having a get to know you chat... but as soon as I ask her a question... silence, no reply. After a bit I phoned. Phone off. Nothing.

Am regretting my openness. Its only now dawned on me that she might have been sizing me up as a potential partner and i freaked her out with my openness. We are the same age. She lives alone with her son. You get the drift. For me we were just having a chat, just a chat and it hadn't even crossed my mind for any sort of liason... honest! I feel awkwardness coming on at work. I really was on Mars when she was on Venus 

Anyway am left feeling vulnerable.. thoughts welcome

Morning world,

Ignore the above. A spot of stress induced paranoia on my part. My boss was on a web call with her family and so couldn't answer my call or reply until much later. Am not gods gift to women after all lol

Goes to show though, how fragile my mental health is at the moment. I only have to think about work and i get all stressed out. Allowing my own thoughts just to swim around my headspace unchecked is never a good thing.

Anyway, am off to work with my positive head on. 

No gambling

Thanks for listening

My o my what a mentally and physically exhausting shift yesterdays was. Am really struggling with anxiety and stress. Thank f**k for my practical barriers that stop me gambling.

Will try my best to have a chilled out day today, before back to it tomorrow.

Paid a bit more off my DWP debt today. Am maybe going about things slightly the wrong way with my debts. Am paying off the little one's and gradually working towards the big one's. I like to tick debts off and know that they are history and then move onto the next. I have 2 debts of 4 figures and it stills seems a bit hopeless with them so i just pay as little as possible and put them to the back of my mind, but with smaller debts I can see the finishing line so i work hard on getting them down further. Not sure if any of this is making sense, but it does to me.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

No gambling

Dear diary,

Stressful few days. Work is mentally very draining and I feel exceptionally tired. I really do feel motivated to look for something else. I felt like losing my s**t today. Other people just doing my fruit in. You'd think that little old ladies would be straight forward to look after, but o no. Some of them are so demanding, so draining, so woe is me, expecting this and expecting that. You end up feeling like their skivvies, running around after them. Some get so upset if for example their is slightly too much milk on their weetabix or the f*****g pillow hasn't been fluffed or the pillow has the wrong pillow case that doesn't match the duvet etc etc etc. Sometimes I just want to wheel them into a five start hotel and let them have what they really want.... servants!

Little old men are so much more straight forward. They sit quietly watching Tv waiting for the grim reaper to come. That's what I will be like if I get to a ripe old age. If iv'e got carers coming in I will just be pleasant whatever they do or don't do. One of the little old men I support says that a carer came in to do his tea call and he asked for a crumpet. What he got was a piece of burnt toast. He says he smiled, thanked the carer and the carer left. The piece of burnt toast went in the bin. We laughed.

Iv'e just paid a bunch more money on my rent. It calms me to be well ahead on the rent, just in case I totally lose the plot. Iv'e spent a life time on the financial edge. I want that to change, whcih of course it can if I stay stopped from the gambling.

Anyway moan over and thanks for listening

Morning world,

Went to bed early and now of course am wide awake. My body and mind thinks am off to work in a bit but am not, so i thought i'd come here and write for a bit. Am thinking of going for a run, anything to stop myself thinking about work issues.

Anyway at least am not gambling. Blocks very effective. Am all up to date with debt repayments and rent is ahead and I still have more than 3p in my bank account, so that's gotta be a good thing eh 🙂

Don't no what else to say now. Guess i will leave it there

Thanks for listening

Morning world,

Iv'e still not got my sleeping patterns right. Still waking up at silly oclock in the morning and then not going back to sleep. But hey it is what it is. Am sure as the spring arrives and it gets a bit milder, then I will sleep better.

Iv'e had a couple of days off. No calls or texts to do over time, which am very happy about. I think management have got the message to not ask me at the moment. I kept getting asked if I was ok on my last shift. I obviously looked like death warmed up and I feel like it as well.

I seem to be escaping into food at the moment, which may also be affecting my sleeping. Going to nigh nigh on a very full tummy ain't no good. I will try not to eat so much of an evening.

Please to say that no gambling. Am completely or almost completely blocked... clearly if I really wanted to gamble then i would find a way, but I don't so I won't. Am doing my best to get the rent well ahead as unfortunately I have to go to monthly pay soon. Clearly if I was gambling then that wouldn't happen. Am up to date on payments to creditors. I have agreements with every debt which has got to be a good thing.

Ok, all for now

Thanks for listening

SA,

You seem in such a positive state of mind these days. Focussed and driven. I love it.

Keep it up.

RR

You are doing great! Well done. You deserve a period of more calm. When you talk of work changes needed but not much work around, it makes me think of supermarkets. Honestly, most of them continue to need online shoppers and online drivers. I think it would be much lower in stress and Sainsburys and Morrisons pay around £10 per hour, now. Just planting a seed 🙂

Thanks both 🙂 x

Iv'e just been for a run. It was ace. Perfect running conditions. Am now feeling great and able to write.

Last few days I have been tired, stressed and anxious, resulting in escapist behaviour (not gambling!) and over eating, binge eating and not sleeping, partly cos of full belly late in the evening.

On a positive I have enjoyed lying in bed listening to music chosen by Alexa.

Another positive is that I continue top make progress on debts. By the end of the month I aim to clear my Dwp debt and one other smallish debt. There is a feeling of slight satisfaction in taking responsibility and dealing with my debts in the right way.

Whilst we are on the topic of money, if I had loads of it, i'd quite happily spend my time pootling about, doing what I enjoy and trying to grow and develop as a spiritual person. My work stresses me out and of course as i get older and even more experienced, people are always looking to me to take the lead and make the decisions but to be honest all I really want is to "do my thing" and go home.

On my thursday shift, every member of staff was more than half my age! That hasn't happened before and whilst I can quite happily fit in with any team (I am a big kid at heart), it is nice to work with folk of a similar age as well. Without meaning to be ageist, older people in general do tend to have a bit more of a work ethic. Huge generalisation of course. I think its because they have more financial responsibility. If your 20 and live at home and don't pay rent or bills ( or just a minimal amount) and most of your money goes on leisure, then the job may becomes less important and you may then work less conscientiously and be more likely to ring in sick or sit around looking at Tiktok videos?? Maybe am wrong, but that's what I see sometimes. Apologies to all the hard working young people out there. For me if I see a need I deal with it, other people just say "well they have had there call" and then the person has to struggle for 6 hours waiting for there next call. Uncaring attitude if you ask me. Anyway, moan over.

No gambling. Blocks continue to prove very effective.

Thanks for listening

Hi running man!

You sound like right old potato bag here complaining about our youth generation ?. I know what you mean tho but everyone has to start somewhere. I have a 21 year colleague, call him a child lol amd we all kinda looking after him (even if he doesn't need looking after) & then he stars some chat up lines which completely threw me and i just wanted to slap him for that lol. I could be his mother! ?

The main thing is, young people are quite mature in this day and age and follows current climate in the world and difficulties it presents. Challenges are the same for everyone, and we all deal with them to the best our our abilities.

Saying that, on the last shift (nightshift too) he was on a phone constantly...chatting away lol..made me wonder who stays up all night to keep him company. Appears, some romance developing which is kinda cute and brings me back to my youth lol...memories of that first excitement where you just talk, talk, talk, laugh...no sleep was needed then lol...

As of Tick tock...what's that?

Good to read you're in more positive headspace! Keep chipping away at that dept and continue with your recovery one day at a time!

Doing pretty well i must say ?

S&B xx

Ps. You have Alexa? ?..lazy b****r lol, get up and change music yourself ?

Thanks for your thoughts S & B... old potato bag sums me up quite well I think 🙂 x

As so often happens, in between s**t shifts ive had a couple of good shifts. I think a lot of my thoughts on here are me just trying to dump all my angst and stress. As a general rule I do tend to do better in recovery the more I read and write.

Day off today, iv'e got lucky. No walking in a storm to get to work. I do like a good storm, just not when am going to work. I love being at the seaside when it's really windy with massive waves. I will purch myself on a rock and see how close I can get to being swept away... without actually getting swept away obviously 😉 

Still not sleeping, still eating late in the evening, I want to change that habit.

No gambling... and no possibility of gambling.

Thanks for listening

A steadily deteriorating day. Started off so positively. A nice walk to M & S to spend a voucher. Got some nice food. Came home and have done none nothing positive since except eat to the point of bursting and watching random rubbish on the telly.

Finally got around to switching my phone on to have the usual requests to do extra at work and the new senior wanting to call me to have a moan, which she then did, not about me I might add. She's already thinking about leaving. It is a stressful place to work. The bottom line is that we currently have many high needs residents and not enough staff.

In all honesty I probably would have gambled today if it wasn't for my blocks. Will power and a commitment not to gamble can disappear quickly with me. Thank you to gamstop and gamban.

Thanks for listening

Morning world.... is it just me or this winter just relentless. It just feels like its been going on forever. I know its not snowy or icy anymore, but its till cold, wet and windy and all I really want to do is lie in bed and wait for spring. Add lock down and work stress to the mix and it all still feels a bit bleak. Struggling to put my positive head on this morning.

I should go for a run but the thought of taking off any layers to put running stuff on just feels, well... cold. Atleast I haven't gambled is my one crumb of comfort. All bills and debt installments up to date. If I was completely skint and in this depressed state, then that would be very much worse, wouldnt it??

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Thanks for your thoughts on my diary! Truly made sense and once again just shows how much pressure can society provide. I started to believe that something is wrong with me and i MUST follow the trend...which i don't think is the case! The case is, what makes me content and happy..and hand on heart - my own company perfectly provides that at least 80%. ..so not sure what im beating myself up for...

Sorry you feeling a bit down...i can relate. Had a week off and didn't leave house or did anything productive with the time really...cooked and ate hot meals tho so that's good...kinda started some gardening (weeding) few days back and you should see my work ?..digged some up and just left it....couldn't be bothered to even bag weeds up ot take them away. 

Little things i guess..its good that you eat, better than starve indeed! Found that a good soak also helped me to look after myself better...Spring shave lol..probs not gonna apply to you as you already sound like a lil bear loving his warmth so shaved legs would require 10 of those layers ?

Keep on keeping on just for another day..and then another...Spring brings more life to the earth and our souls so guess better days just round the corner!

Stay safe, warm and well

S&B xx

Hi SA,

Your previous post could have been written by me. This winter is relentless and never ending. I was looking forward to March for so long now I’m looking forward to April. I went for a run this morning in brutal conditions- torrential rain and icy wind. I’m not running as often during the week but I’ll defo get back to it.

You're doing ever so well. It makes me so happy for you. I hope you are noticing differences in your life now compared with past few years. Things are getting better and will continue to improve.

RR