Hope

Awww, it will get better, yes.

I think it sounds like you're in that phase where you're not yet feeling the "gains" from abstinence. The removal of complete despair, isn't that much of a boost, really, is it?

Use it to fuel your determination to continue to improve your conditions, if you can. Like a mantra of "the fallout from a relapse leaves life difficult for a very long time". It has helped me, in the past, to reconnect with WHY I am feeling so bleak, the actions that led me there.

Sounds like you're getting to the bit where life eases up a bit, soon. Hang in there!

Hi Freda... yes your right its like now the hard work begins.

Am a bit annoyed about debts this morning. According to my calculations I have paid off my debt to the DWP and yet they are still taking the full direct debit. Of course I can't get through to speak to a human being to sort it out so am left in limbo feeling slightly impatient and annoyed.

I hate money really. The necessity to have some in order to survive. Am sure advanced civilisations have long since got rid of it and then flourish as a result.

Thanks for listening

Afternoon world,

Well the issue I described above is now sorted. The DWP now owes me £20. Maybe I will get a cheque in 6 months 🙂

I do stick by my assumption though that money is just such a drain on one's soul. If none of us had to worry about money then humanity would be in a much healthier and happier place.

... and talking of money, my washing machine decided to disintegrate yesterday. It had just started the fast spin and then bang, crash, wallop, smoke, potential for fire. So glad I was in and could switch it off. No insurance, more expense... but hey at least am not gambling! 🙂

Thanks for listening

Morning world,

Well, am having a good day so far. Had some nice chats with family. Started doing s0me practical tasks and then a letter from a bank decided to drop through the letter box. Apparently the quality of service from their collections department wasn't good enough... so iv'e been giving a hundred pounds compensation. Thank you very much... that can go towards the cost of a new washing machine. Clearly if I was gambling then that would be squandered... but not this time.

Feeling settled after a few tiring and stressful days at work.

Thanks for listening

Awww, so pleased for you re the cheque towards the washing machine. Things like that can make you panic about money and what a trigger that can be!

Smoother waters just around the corner.

Hi SA, excellent news!!! Clean soul as well as clothes...win win in my eyes! Well done you!

Day at a time..puzzle of life will deffo come together..stay patient ?

S&B xx

Thanks both 🙂 x

Just been for a jog and a f****n good jog it was. Started slow and stayed slow but just kept going and going and going. Thought id start to get twinges or the familiar ache in the thigh muscles, but no, nothing.... just long slow, painless, almost meditative jogging. I felt very alive. It was something I was born to do me thinks.

Its odd though. I am probably the heaviest I have ever been, 15 stone of fat and gristle when I should be 13 stone or less. I need a volunteer to carry my flabby belly around. Its strange that my, hips, knee joints and shins are coping so well... no pain, no nothing. I use to get terrible shin splints that stopped me running for weeks at a time, but not now. Guess am a tough old goat, fat goat! I am now eating the entire contents of my flat.

Thanks for listening

Morning world,

Well I had a good day yesterday. A walk to M & S to spend my last voucher and then a very long scenic walk home. Perfect weather, felt good.

Today has started off a bit rubbish. Text message to see if I can work later this week, even though they said I wouldn't be asked to work anymore of my annual leave. It gets me annoyed, not with the person that asked me to do extra (they have their stress with covering the rota) but with the company for continually moving in high needs residents but not having a big enough pool of staff to cover it. I guess the real truth of it is that people simply don't want to work where I work. Big project, lots of needy people but pays next to minimum wage. I can see that work is a big trigger for me to gamble. Ive done better over recent months, helped by the lock down but thoughts of gambling persist.

I was watching some mental heath documentaries yesterday, very interesting. People escape, detach or turn in on themselves in so many different ways...  obsessions, compulsions, alcohol, food, gambling, drugs, perceived voices, delusions... the list is endless. Impulse control does seem to be a theme underlying much of it. My impulse control is not good. I polished off the whole box of crunchy nut cornflakes last night, knowing only too well that it would lead to bloating and a rubbish nights sleep, which it then did.

It reminds me of what a professional suggested to me many years ago. The basic premise being that I never learnt as a child how to manage my emotions. I never learnt what to do with them. I never learnt that asking for help from another human being and talking through my emotions can actually help. Instead I learnt to push them down, ignore them, bottle them up and allow them to come out sideways in drinking (as it was for the first part of my adult life) or gambling since my late twenties or eating and/or a whole bunch of other stuff.

That's very much the challenge of every addict, don't you think?? To manage your emotional state differently, productively and in a non-destructive way. Its like for me, once I have decided in my head space that I am definately gonna gamble. Once I have concluded that this time, things will some how be different and that gambling is a good idea, then am doomed.. I know am gonna do it. My challenge to myself is to pick up the phone and speak to another human being when the urge next strikes to help me come to another conclusion. The addict part of me thinks that it wouldn't make any difference but then i don't know that cos iv'e never tried.

The reason i talk about this is that sometime in April the bookies will open once again and temptation may rear its ugly head. I can self-exclude till the cows come home but if I have decided to gamble again that doesn't make any difference and I would go in any way. Seven times out of ten, no staff will challenge me.. not that i'd blame them. It takes a bit of courage to go up to a 6 foot man standing at a machine losing his money and feeling agitated lol

Any way today all is fine. No thoughts or opportunities to gamble.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Enjoyed reading your entries and nodded along! You talk a lot of sense and even if its difficult to process and understand all this, this ultimately is the core of human being. Emotions and how we deal with them. Of course it stems from the childhood..that's the critical time when we not only form physically but most importantly - mentally.

Learning about ourselves and emotions has to be supported. I sense you didn't have that so much important support same as me. We learned life our way...stuffing feelings/ emotions and millions of questions down and burrying them under until they seeped through cracks, corners and sideways. Something unavoidable and bound to happen sooner or later.

I find psychology really fascinating. Said it before and will say it again - Aboslutely mind blowing. The power we have in these brains is enormous and just think what we can do with it. Direct it the right/healthy way and you live on the top of the world huh...again, as you said, easier said then done because if you don't know how to use such "power" it may become slippery slope down that massive hill and ending up in gutter. Ideally the middle of that hill is the centre of the scales. Not too much and not too little - balance...but again, getting there requires internal work, understanding, sharing and accepting...letting go of unhealthy stuff as a result of course.. This is possible but as you mentioned talking and sharing is bouncing stuff off and rationalizing..can't do it talking to yourself cause all you do is feed the same thruths you believe in...

Anyway..ramble lol...not gamble at least!

You are very aware of the urges and dangers next month will provide. Act on them now, prepare..do what helps you, keep gaining strength and control of your emotions. Changes must happen along the way, no matter as little....as long as you feel you're moving forward.

Nice runs....i give myself awful excuses not to exercise. I just wait for gyms to reopen lol...lazy is not a word! Again...what feed our brain - we get...i get my fat belly and sloppy muscle lol...teaches me right!

Look after you and keep putting foot in front of another..you're doing well!

S&B xx

Like wise I enjoy reading your entree's... helps me think things through... different perspectives and ways of looking at stuff.

It hasn't been the greatest of weeks, even though ive enjoyed plenty of long runs. That was the highlight really the after glow of running and getting a bit fitter. Everything else has been a bit pants.

Am now being asked to do a night shift. Ive said no but it stresses me out just knowing how desperate staffing is becoming. Senior management just hasn't kept on top of staffing. Isn't there supposed to be growing unemployment, where are all the staff?? Its going back to what it was before... social care workers aren't really valued. High stress, low pay, a job that people don't want to do unless they are desperate enough.

I want out, but I haven't as yet done anything to get myself out. When i glance at my job feeds I just see similar jobs for much the same pay. I think of the phrase... "out of frying pan and into the fire"... but then again I might get lucky. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

No thoughts of gambling. An easy battle to fight at the moment due to very effective blocks.

Thanks for listening

Morning world,

Emotions are strange things aren't they. I feel on a level today and yet yesterday I felt like pants.

That's how my life goes, yo yoing between lots of different emotions and it is unsettling. There is always an undercurrent of angst, worry, stress of some sort. never truly stable in myself.

I suppose gambling addiction has a big part to play in that. Forever living on the edge, feeling insecure and scared. Recently I try to help myself with this, by lumping much of my money on rent and bills. Its a good time to do it before the shops start re-opening

Anyway like I say, today I feel ok. I done some productive things. Took the clippers to my head and hoovered up the white and grey hair. Took the bins in. Took the recycling out and tidied up other peoples mess ie my neighbours who can't be bothered to break up cereal boxes and put them in there recycling bags. There they were just blowing around in the wind. But hey I sorted it, did my bit.

Am off to get my membership card for the companyshop. Cheap food that the main supermarkets dont want but I will tuck in 🙂

Back to work tomorrow, but I will try not to dwell on it.

Just enjoy today

No gambling issues

Thanks for listening

SA,

You're doing super. Every time I read a new post from you I notice a huge difference from the posts last year.

Keep going. Believe in yourself. Believe that life will get better. Believe that no matter what, gambling makes things worse.

RR

Dear @s-687,

I would like to second what RR has said - your posts are a joy to read and inspiration and a master class in how to self-reflect and what happens when we do.

Please keep this focus and please keep this new found appreciation for yourself because this will help you stay on the right track even when things 'go back to normal'. 

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

I just wanted to say, that I know I have often encouraged you to change jobs to something less overwhelming but I do understand the reasons why people stay put.

I myself find myself in such a toxic workplace, that I am run down emotionally and do not feel strong enough to field the additional anxiety that a new job creates in me. I am seriously considering handing in my notice without a job to go to, then finding new work once I feel strong enough. I have savings though. I understand this isn't an option for everyone, so they find themselves exhausted and stressed and just about managing to keep themselves above water - in no fit state to confidently stride into a new position. 

So, I get it. I really do. 

Well thank you everyone... finding the courage to believe in myself, that's the challenge.. and yes I self-reflect a lot but that doesn't necessarily mean I can find that courage to make any changes.

I think your summary of my situation Freda is pretty much spot on, as your thoughts so often are. The phrases "better the devil you know" and "out of the frying pan and into the fire" springs to mind. If I don't work am in financial trouble pretty d**n quickly. I notice with colleagues that the more vocal and critical about work they are is partly related to how much they need the job in the first place.

We have a lot of young staff at the moment some of whom seem to see the job as a gap filler during the pandemic before they supposedly move on to bigger and better things. They may live at home and not have the financial responsibilities and not really care much about the job. They are more likely to ring in sick at short notice or simply not show up, which happens at my place at work. I don't think its any coincidence that the staff that complain the least and always show up are the ones that "really need a job"  and in that sense its better to work with staff whom have children to support. Huge generalisation of course.

At the moment my financial situation has improved a bit in the sense that am now free of priority debts and that is thanks to my hard work and not gambling. I pat myself on the back. So in principle am a bit more secure than i was, but only a tiny bit. I have no savings and I need to be as sure as I can be that when i do jump ship its not going to be to something even worse. Its anxiety provoking even thinking about moving on so the reality is that I work hard where i am I put up with whatever happens and I often go the extra mile and feel guilty if I don't. I am always well liked by those that i support and also by my colleagues because I am so industrious and as i do have the uncanny ability to create a sense of calm and cheerfulness in others. In may ways I am the ideal employee, reliable as they come, do as am told and full of initiative.... which is odd really cos in reality am often full of anxiety. Anxiety that ultimately I will just end up sitting alone in my flat once more surrounded by red letters waiting for the bailiffs to come. 

But yes maybe I have made a little bit of progress recently. Am not actively seeking to self-destruct. My self-esteem is not at rock bottom. I am more hopeful than I was. I am working on my existential loneliness. I notice coincidences too which mean that my higher power is trying to help me. Don't ask me to try and explain that lol.

No gambling

Thanks for listening.