Hope

Well am very pleased that iv'e done all those self-exclusions. I had a nasty shock when I got my pay slip. A while back i'd been given an "advance" when i'd gone from weekly to monthly pay (meaning a 6 week plus gap between pay days) and this pay day they have recouped all of it at once. I thought it was gonna be 20% each pay day, but nope, i'd misunderstood the agreement. So now after rent is paid am left with f**k all until September.

Now if I hadn't of been gambling this would have been an annoyance rather than a crisis. I was mega anxious when I first discovered this but now am calmer. I am figuring things out, making the calls to delay payments etc etc and I will muddle through. But yes, my life on the financial edge continues, all of my own making. I have no fund for contingencies. I just fly by the seat of my pants! 🙂

Ive changed my thinking accordingly. Am just happy that I have enuff to cover the rent and I will have money for food and a few bus tickets. I will be ok, as long as I don't travel somewhere to chance my arm. This I will not do. My motivation is strong. I have no desire to be hungry and homeless. Current blocks effective.

I just had a nice chat with my dad. he's in hospital, end of life approaches but he is surprisingly cheerful. I think he's of the mindset that he's had a good life and he's very accepting of the end. And from the outside looking in he has indeed had a good life. He's travelled the world. he's met some prime ministers and presidents and helped to sell them attack helicopters of all things.  he mentioned one christmas that he's handed over envelopes of cash to middle men and dodgy arms dealers, as if its an every day thing that we all do lol We didn't chat about medical matters, it only leads to sadness. 

Life goes on, until the day it doesn't... but even then iv'e never believed that that really is the end. I think we just return to spirit form and start planning out new life. Me don't want gambling addiction in my next re-incarnation.

Thanks for listening

SA,

It broke my heart to read the latest update. You sound so optimistic  which is amazing  way forward  but I see sadness and pain in you.

Here is me, blabbing  about finances getting back on steady keel..and you struggle  so much. May I offer you support with it? You can pay whatever  you need back in due course. I am serious,  please consider  the offer. Even if I know that you will manage one way or another,  i don't  want you being short for bus fare/food.

Sorry to hear about dad. He sounds a great trooper! Reminds  me of my dad. Very optimistic  and grateful  for his life experiences. Its difficult  to see our loved ones poorly. That's never gonna change..life is very unfair in that perspective...but life is life...it just doesn't  stay still.

Here if you need to talk, inbox anytime.

S&B xx

Ps. You're  good man SA x

Hi, I hear you. Thanks. 🙂 x

I am a good man yes. I help a lot of people but I also carry around a big self-destruct button, that I keep pressing.

Hopefully this time things will be different.

Looking back over the years it should already have been life ending... but am still here. Still alive. Life goes on.

Thanks for listening

Day off today, 1st one in a while.

I have a steady trickle of reminder letters, texts and emails for payment for this that and the other.

I also have slight urge to gamble. Its the usual fantasy of taking a small amount of money and trying to turn it into a larger amount of money in order to pay some of these pressing bills... but i won't. This is where self-exclusions help, cos I really can't be bothered to travel some distance on the bus to chance my arm. In any case we all know what would happen... maybe win a bit and then lose it and some.... cos all I really wanna do is be in action and have some escape time from life.

Today I wanna doing some cleaning and tidying up in my flat, cos its a bit of a pig sty at the moment. I will go for a walk at some point and then maybe treat myself at the end of the day to something nice to eat in the evening yellow sticker bargains.

Thanks for listening.

I just been for a run. First one in a while. Not sure my body was going to be up to it. Started off real slow but then realised I was gonna be fine and got "a bit" quicker. Very enjoyable it was. Am feeling a natural healthy high as I type.

No gambling to report. Any urges I had have melted away. Am sure ive been through withdrawal just like you would from any addiction.

Work is the usual mix of stress, tiredness, fun and everything in between. Have done some over time so all being well come next pay day I will catch up on all the things ive got behind with and just start living normally once more.

Feeling ok.

Thanks for listening

Hi,

I just did my first run yesterday, too. I was slow, slow, slow. I admit I had some daft worries about pericarditis or bloodclots coming to get me, if I pushed my body. That conspiracy stuff still in my mind, post vaccine. It took me 44 minutes to run 5K! Terrible! but better than not trying, I guess.

I also enjoy the natural high and the voices telling me I'm rubbish at being a person, are silenced by a gym session. It gives me the feeling I have made sufficient "use" of the day. I don't have to apologise for underachieving that day. 

Maybe everything is addiction to varying degrees. There's not much we actually NEED apart from food water and shelter. The feelings of loneliness continue to abate as more time passes since the breakdown of my relationship. It's all attachment, grasping, clinging to something. 

Sorry, I accidentally had a philosophy session on your diary, haha.

Thanks for the post on my diary  all the best in your recovery too 

Lou x

Your welcome to philosophise on my diary as much as you want Freda :-).. well done on the run.

As far as loneliness goes, I find the further away from my last gamble I get the less lonely I feel. If I have just done my b******s and am in a panick, that's a very lonely place to be. However I also find that "on balance" the older I get the less lonely I feel. I remember feeling exceptionally lonely in my teens and twenties and thirties!!... but gradually ive got to the point where I just shrug my shoulders and just say to myself am just a bloke on my own and that's ok.

Its like today am having a good day even though I have, as yet not spoken to another human being. I went for a run, quite a long run in the end, even though its warm today and I really enjoyed it. Got home, long soak in the bath then went up town (after I got dressed of course!) and sat on a bench in my local high street with a large hot chocolate (had a costa voucher) and watched the world go past for a bit. You get some real strange folk in my high street. We all so different from each other. To be honest it was just nice to be there without having that internal debate about whether to pop in the bookies or not. With my self-exclusions I had no temptation to do that and of course having very little money on me.

On a slightly down side I am kind of just living for payday at the moment. Iv'e got so much to catch up with financially, which I will do, but it kind of makes me sad. Iv'e done the over time but its a bit depressing that it will all be going on rent, bills and some debt repayment. I will try and treat myself in some way and won't try and win money. Anyway its still a while before pay day arrives. I have memories of of when pay days came and went without them being a big deal. I want to return to them days.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Just catching up as have  breather for once! Relate to your last post 100%. I too live for payday. Not ideal and tbf I could spend a bit on myself but I got into mindset of counting pennies like crazy woman and am just trying  to put more and more aside each month. What for? I don't  know. I seem to live this existence  and it is indeed sad. 

If you had spare money, would you treat yourself? You see...that was what I thought  initially...when  was super skint (due to my vice of course)...and now I can slowly breathe...but financial  mindset stayed  the same. "I have no money"...but I do!weird I know...I can't can't spare tenner for blocks on this phone. Some really serious wired s**t going  on in this head as you can tell!

Anyway...Good on your runs and getting  out and about  a bit ?. My gym is slacking now...last two weeks I simply am too tired to get there...go figure  again, cause I have shorter  commute  now ?...I guess cause workload  is bigger with no staff, it tires me out completely. 

I'm again thinking of leaving. Searching  for jobs...simple jobs where I don't have to have responsibility..because I I truly tired to carry it now! 

Rant on your diary huh...my deepest apologies...

Ahh...on the loneliness  note...yup, same here. The more stay single, the more I accept the reality of my life as a single soul. ..not sure how to figure this side of life out so I just let it be.

Sad notes...d**n me!!...

Im sending  you hugs dear friend, keep on running ?‍♂️ & look after  yourself 

S&B xx

Sending hugs back (((( you)))) x

Don't know if you have ever watched some of the Youtube video's by Gabor Mate on trauma and addiction? Iv'e just watched one this afternoon. Very interesting and enlightening. Addiction as a maladaptive response to child hood trauma. No blame attached to anyone. Just a natural response to a child or babies unmet needs. Not the parents fault as they being a product of their own childhood too and their own maladaptive coping mechanisms they learnt as a child or a baby.

Also talk of therapy and breaking the mind into parts, like a family. A part of my mind family will always want to play the slots because it finds it fun, it brings it some joy. This part of the family will always be present but like all families, you can talk to each other. Playing the slots is not the only way to have fun. Its hard to explain somebody else's work but it makes me think and reflect. Iv'e always enjoyed tuning out to the slots, getting the instant gratification and the relief from my own unmet needs. I think we live in a world where we are becoming ever more detached from each other, despite being told that we are more connected than ever?? Go figure. We live in a society that goes against what it is to be human.

Ramble over

You speak a lot of wisdom, there. We are tribal, we're supposed to meet around the fire each evening and shoot the sheet, together.

As you point out, though - nothing wrong with finding contentment in your present situation. 

Your day off sounds very nice. I smile to note it is filled with acts of you being kind to yourself. A run, soak in the bath, hot chocolate. Simple comforts.

f x

Thanks Freda x

I feel quite good this morning. I managed to say "no" to a shift. Seven oclock this morning I was being rung and texted. Such and such has rung in sick, can you do the late shift, I will come and pick you up etc etc. Please please pretty please. I held my ground and said that i had plans.. which i sort of do.

Its like I do need the money, I always need the money.. but... I also need my mental health. Am work all over the bank holiday weekend, so I need my rest in the week. I think to myself that one of my biggest triggers is being knackered and emotionally f****d from over work. The first day off after a long work stretch is where am most vulnerable to gambling.

So anyway. I said no. Felt huge pangs of guilt for about 2o minutes but now ive got over it and am going for a run and will enjoy my day off.

Thanks for listening x

Dear @s-687,

Excellent self-care in action, well done! I would agree with you as I also know your work is mentally, physically and emotionally demanding and you do need to rest. It's better economy to work less but feel more balanced, than work all hours, have the money but then not feeling balanced enough to choose recovery on a day off.

I hope you enjoy your run and your day off.

Wishing you all the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi SA,

I second the advisors comment  above and you shown excellent  example  of self care.

I sit here and think can I also do that. I think I do in a way as 3 week in a row, I haven't  picked up any OT however  on the upside, I did more hours on shift..every day. Then they get OT out and nobody picks them up, it just shows that most of us are run down already. 

I am glad you prioritised yourself  as ultimately its only one of you which  management  tend to miss sometimes. 

Don't  know about you, but I usually  feel myself being at the end of the crueling  road where I basically  just need to stop and breathe. Usually its already too late as all my energy  is exhausted and I end up snapping  (as you know ) ....I do need to learn to slow down before I get to that stage but that's  work in progress.

I am enjoying  my time off now. I know its only couple  of days off before long week commences again but I truly started to enjoy  my rest days. Sometimes...well..mostly I do nothing...but that's again the aftermath  after long set. Im simply drained to do anything. Simply sitting on a sofa with TV on, lil girl calmly laying  on my lap (head only as she is huge!) ...this brings really positive  and calm energy  for me. Moments  I tend to appreciate  a lot more last few weeks.

I also did some gardening  yesterday,  it's nice to see garden tidy and clean. Gym...yeah, that's  another way of self care for me. I shall head out there for a session and will do 5k just for you today!!! Will aim at 25mins so wish me luck ?

Do enjoy  your run and have something  to eat afterwards.  Balance is very important  in our walk of life and you my friend  are showing  us all just how it  an be done by the choices you make. It's OK to say NO sometimes  ?

Hugs

S&B xx

Don't worry iv'e eaten. Eating has never been an issue for me, over eating for sure lol

Yes am pleased i said no to that shift. Ive had a pretty good day. Run was longer than expected with the usual healthy euphoria afterwards. Done some stuff around the flat and plenty of rest and relaxation.

Iv'e coped with time away from work quite well today. No particular urge to gamble. It helps having sod all money and the having to travel if I really wanted to gamble, which I don't.

Might have a little lie down now and listen to some music

Thanks for listening x

P.s Thanks Eva... I appreciate your comments 🙂