Hope

Awww, mate. Good to hear a post from you, although sorry for the circumstances.

Remember, progress not perfection. It's all about tipping that balance.

f x

Ah thanks for dropping by Freda. We have been geeing each other along for many years now  🙂 x

It does feel like my "Freedom day" today, not just from Covid restrictions. It was the most natural thing in the world to self-exclude yesterday. No angst, no doing it through clenched teeth cos other people wanted me to do it. I did it because i wanted to do it. I'd reached my tipping point, where the positives of stopping far outweighed the desire to sit at a machine and go through the emotional rollercoaster of wins and losses and the escapism from real life.

So, anyway I haven't gambled for 24 hours. Life can restart once again.

Take care all x

Hi SA,

Nice to see you back posting again. Sorry to learn that you’ve experienced a difficult time lately. Gambling sucks. I hope you can stay off it for good this time.

I’ve been very quiet on the forum lately. Go through stages like this when I either cannot be bothered posting or simply have nothing worth saying. Its a selfish attitude really - lots of people need support and I could certainly do more.

Just floating through life at the moment feeling neither joyous or overly down. Feeling a bit bored in general and still waiting for normal to return whenever that will be.

Take care.

RR

SA...

Again,addiction  is such secretitive  burden we carry. I see your happy post run posts on FB and couldn't  point a finger that you're  struggling.  ..sadly, we are good at hiding  our pain huh.

I'm very happy  to read that this time self exclusion came from within. That's really massive step forward.  You managed to say "enough is enough" in your own way, on your own terms.

Upwards  and onwards  dear soldier

X

Thanks both.. I hear your thoughts x

I need to write a little today I think. Just managed to get through an urge to gamble. Had one of those free bet print outs in my wallet. I seriously thought about travelling to a different area to redeem it and win thousands of course!! Sad but true. Instead I ripped it into a thousand pieces and went and bought some food instead. So hear am I eating a bowl of fruit n fibre and NOT standing at a machine getting stressed and then withdrawing the last of my available credit. 

Its strange isn't it how once the habit has been re-established, you have to go through the whole bloody process again in order to break the habit, again!.... anyway that's one little battle won.

Thanks for listening x

I forget the exact wording, so I'm bound to butcher this profound wisdom... but isn't there an ancient Eastern wisdom type quote along the lines of "fall down nine times, get up ten" Just gotta keep on truckin in the right direction.

Enjoy the sunshine, if you can. Get your bare feet on the earth, indulge this soppy old hippy. It's good for you.

f x

Yeah just gotta keep trucking along.

Moderately s**t day at work and to be honest if somebody had given me a bag full of money i'd of been tempted to go off and gamble it.. but they didn't so I didn't. Current barriers to gambling are just about enough.

As it stands am living on credit and living very frugally. I budget well when am not gambling. Am a complete loon with money when I am gambling.

Got home to a letter from a creditor... they want to reassess my repayment agreement. How dare they want more than £2.00 a month on a 4 figure debt lol I don't suppose I will ever be debt free. Its a bit depressing really. Maybe when am 55 I will cash in my pensions just to get to a level playing field.

My life situation is a bit hopeless really. All smiles and chat at work. Silence at home, bar the random music and chaos of my neighbours.

Just been for a walk... ended up buying some thick bleach for cleaning purposes and just to prove I can do something constructive with my money.

Thanks for listening

You're doing just great. Well done, you!

Am in the part of my cycle where I work a lot as my financial situation is scarily bad. My food cupboards are almost bare. Am ferreting around in the yellow sticker sections in the supermarkets. I won't go hungry and I have been in worse scrapes but it just goes to show how addicted to gambling I am and always have been.

My motivation to stay stopped is currently strong. I have self-excluded from a bunch more bookmakers, basically all the ones within my bus pass zone but my frustration with how I have lived my life frustrates me.

Its shocking that even though I have good self-awareness and understanding of my addiction, I still allowed myself to get sucked back in yet again. The thrill and the anticipation of the next win took over my mind, body and soul once more. That cocktail of temporary happy chemicals swimming around my head space busily masking my underlying depression, loneliness and low self-esteem. Iv'e always understood myself in that respect but never really been able to deal with it never really known how, not in any meaningful way. Ive never really been able to befriend myself let alone anybody else. The number of times ive lied on my bed over the years asking, shouting, screaming at god just to finish me off just to end my pitiful existence once and for all. But it never happens. I wake up and off I go to support others with a smile on my face. Some people say to me. "You always seem so happy." I wear my mask well

There have been times when I have really wanted the virus. Wanted to be in hospital with a mask on my face. To have some consultant telling me that they are gonna put me on a ventilator and then of course i never wake up. "Fine lets crack on with it" i'd say. But no, I still haven't had it. Several of my colleagues tested positive recently, but no not me. I seem immune to it even when in close contact with others who have it. 

Sorry to sound so maudlin. I should be grateful to have good physical health. I should be taking advantage of it, instead of pressing the big self-destruct button on a regular basis.

Don't take too much notice of my "poor old me" ramblings, its actually positive. Bizarrely this is me working recovery, getting my negativity and feelings of hopelessness out of my system. better out than in as they say. Its also something to do whilst i wait for my clippers to re-charge. Iv'e currently got half a head of hair lol

Thanks for listening.

No gambling

I understand the value in getting those thoughts out.

I find myself wondering if you chose to be vaccinated, although it's none of my business. You strike me as someone who could have gone either way. I have held off but am getting a dose on Friday.

Yes, the grim part kind of needs to be experienced to keep us stopped. 

Double jabbed, January and April. Glad to see your getting a jab.

I don't really want to get ill or have anyone I support get ill.

Today will be a good day.

No gambling

Ah, OK. Thanks for satisfying my daft curiosity. You've expressed open-mindedness toward so called conspiracy theories in the past, you see. I have been concerned about vaccine passports and limiting freedoms. It seems sinister. However, I could no longer justify not having at least one dose - as this wouldn't make me compliant with the highly unethical double jabbed requirement to access some services. I think it's a dangerous path they are trying to draw us down....but glad I bit the bullet and had my first jab. I've been very careful with hand hygiene, mask wearing and distancing, including letting others know I wasn't vaxxed.

O yes, am still angry about the pack of lies we were told about 9/11. Am still waiting for the BBC to explain how they new that a third skyscraper was going to collapse that day before it even happened. Sometimes I deliberately don't pay my TV license, simply because I don't like being lied to.

However on balance when you look at the evidence I am prepared to accept that

a. the virus is real

b. it kills people and

c. its reasonable to ask people to get the jabs in order to save lives.

Personally I think it leaked from that lab in Wuhan China, whether it was deliberate or an accident only the chinese communist party knows and I don't think that they will ever put there hands up and say "sorry folks it was us".

I think its probably true that the virus and its consequences will be exploited by those who want more closed and monitored societies. Anyway rant over.

No gambling. Starting to feel more human again. Recovery beginning.

Thanks for listening

Got you. Yeah, I was just really concerned for a long time that perfectly healthy people would start dropping dead. Do not trust powerful entities like pharmaceutical companies at all. 

Six months on, I could no longer justify hanging back, as almost everyone has been fine. Yes, you're right, I think. Now it has panned out a bit, it looks more likely that it has been exploited to more closely control us.

I hear ya Freda. I mean it is possible that the whole thing was pre-planned, but on balance am willing to accept, for now that it wasn't.

Ive been doing some more preparing for pay day. Am now excluded from 60 local bookmakers. Its like every time I have a thought of areas I could easily travel to for gambling I just ring up the self-exclusion people and exclude.

Motivation to stay stopped is strong.

Thanks for listening