Hope

Well payday has come and gone. Quite a strong urge to go gambling this morning. Usually fantasy of playing low stakes slots and getting a big win, to then play higher stakes slots and get a bigger win(S). Went for a long long jog instead, which helped to get through these thoughts and send them packing. It kind of helps that am now knackered and the thought of travelling for 90 minutes on public transport to get to bookmakers that am not banned from, just ain't gonna happen. 

It just goes to show though how much I need my practical barriers, cos despite all my self-awareness and all the s**t ive put myself through over the years am still perfectly capable of ignoring everything and succumbing to the addict within

Anyway, no gambling today. Today I win. 

Thanks for listening

Hey,

Excellent  work on resisting  urges! Well done! Pay day always offers return of urges and "big win" which is just lies we tell ourselves.  Its good to keep what we earn right? I started to like to see my hard earned where they belong  and the more I get the urges, the more I started seeing through  them...I cannot win cause I cannot stop! No win will ever be enough  for me ...clear reality...(when not I gambling  mindset huh)

I watched a movie last night. Ummm, "Hi, Ben" or similar.  Found it quite interesting.  It was about drugs addiction  but rang a bell how urges were displayed.  NA meeting also brought some memories  of meetings back ... made me think of addictions and even if I feel so blessed not to have drugs addiction,  the others are extremely  close to home when you look at them...

Aha, another  run in the bag! Excellent  effort SA...I did few rounds at the gym these days off and ....even if I need to prepare  for physical refresher at work, I kinda enjoyed  my time there! 

Hard work pays off huh ?..I all walks of life...

Keep up good work and look after  yourself!

S&B xx

Nice one, good to see you're well protected and safe from those impulses. 

I wish I could run faster. I take 42 minutes to run 5k, it's terrible!

f x

The thing is though Freda, you can jog for 5 km. Lots and lots of people can't do that. I know people half my age who get puffed out climbing a few fights of stairs, or whose entire fitness regime consists of walking from the car park to the supermarket and back again. Must admit that its one part of my life that iv'e sort of got right, keeping active. However having said that I recognise that i am getting older now and I won't always be able to do what iv'e always done up to this point. As an example....

I had nightmare getting home last night as the night staff was very late. My usual bus didn't run and then I went to get another bus from different stop and I missed it by a few seconds, so then I just thought sod it I will walk the 5 to 6 miles home. Got home just after midnight. Most people would have got a taxi but not me... but the time will come eventually when I won't be able to do that. yet another reason to stop gambling... ba able to get taxi when needed!

I just been watching the news. Full of talk the reforms to funding for social care.. long, long over due. personally I don't think that raising national insurance contributions is the way forward, cos it means that already poor people like myself will be dis-proportionately affected. I think those with the broadest shoulders should pay by far the most and to be honest am not especially against wealthy people having to sell their homes to pay for their care. I mean your big swish homes are no good to you when your dead are they? As far as I can see the proposals will only widen the gap between rich and poor. Youl have the rich whom will keep their homes and then pass it on to their children, thus perpetuating the wealth in this group in society and everybody else will just be dependant on the state.

Social care will also remain in a state of crisis, because carers are paid so little. Don't clap for us carers anymore. Just pay us proper wages!! 

Moan over lol

Must admit am feeling a bit paranoid this morning. I looked at the clock and it said 9:11. I predict a major event today... a false flag event!! That's my prediction. Boris will use this event to take the focus away from him and his social care reforms, amongst other stuff.

Everybody seems to be getting covid at my work place. Am suspicious though. People take the P**s don't they. Do a lateral flow test, say they see a line, just to get some days off work. That's what happens in poorly paid stressful jobs, people do what they do to get time off!!

Right ok. I really will stop moaning this time.

Thanks for listening

This whole Covid thing is just getting stupid. Staff having their annual leave and then supposedly getting Covid and having another 10 days to isolate. Am cynical and suspicious and yes my stress levels rising cos am constantly being asked to do more and I just get this feeling that I won't get the virus whatever I do or don't do. Iv'e managed to go through yet another whole summer without any meaningful break and yes I now feel my mental health starting to deteriorate.

Odd thing is, my sister is going through much the same. She is manager of a shop and lots of her staff are having their 10 day covid break as if its a right of passage. She's now been forced to work 12/13 days in a row to have one day off and then repeat. I apologise to anybody who has had a bad covid experience but nowadays it just feels like most people don't get sick but use it as an opportunity to have some time off. I suggested to my manager... make sure people prove they have it, cos it ain't fare on the rest of us who go the extra mile whilst folk sit at home and do f**k all. Again apologies to anybody whom has had a bad covid experience.

No gambling

Thanks for listening

You are spot on, SA - although I had a week myself (when it was just 7 days you had to isolate) because my employer were doing nothing to protect me and I was scared. It was at the start, and 6 weeks in, we still didn't even have screens or masks provided. Nothing.

I'd say most of them are having a nice bit of extra leave - I wouldn't be surprised if 5-10% are genuinely concerned about rising infection levels and perhaps have a medical vulnerability themselves, or care for/live with a loved one who does. 

Focus on what you need to do, to keep yourself well. You're no use to anyone, six feet under, my friend.

Take good care,

f x

Hi SA and I also agree with you...

I had a week last year as felt like was walking on my last feet and cause its taken  a while for results  to come back, it accumulated to almost a week. I still believe I had it originally, December  2019 just before it all kicked off "live". Still went to work and still did what I did over those three agonising  weeks!

Now, people are playing  it a bit. Some I blame and some I don't.  Being forced to work through  all of this and really exposed on many occasions, I can see where colleagues  coming  from.....needing a rest. Things changed  here as we don't isolate having  positive contact but believe still do if are positive ourselves. 

This is not gonna go away and I believe all of us will have to go through  it sooner or later...saying  that I probably  had about 4 episodes in these two years where felt really poorly. Was it this or another,  I will not know.

One person has been off for a year now...with this, and I do believe it can be serious indeed. It just annoys me that there are no cover and we have to continue  on this hamster wheel not seeing an end. I understand  your frustrations here because poor us are left to deal with demands where 2-3 people should do.

Rant also over ?...feel "fragile " following  yesterday so need to nurse this head before work.

Keep looking after yourself and stay safe.

S&B xx

Good Morning SA,

I feel your pain reference your Covid frustrations. I have been quite outspoken about this topic to people who know me but guarded with others because people are easily offended these days in my opinion.

So, first of all, I sympathise absolutely for the poor souls who have lost loved ones or suffer badly from Covid. Of course I do. What decent person wouldn’t. My issue is with the other 99% of the population.

My family got covid and I’ve had worse colds. I’ve had worse hangovers. It’s easy to say I was lucky and perhaps I was and my wife and my 3 kids. Maybe we were all lucky. However, the stats suggest that 9 out of every 10 will experience only mild symptoms - that was us.

My frustration is with work colleagues who want to moan and complain about how unsafe it is being at work only to find out that at the weekend they’re happy to queue up outside a garden centre for two hours or they’re down the pub every Saturday and Sunday. People can be selfish. My own mother in law still acts as if nobody should leave the house until she needs her hair done or wants to buy a new top at her favourite shop in the city centre. Basically, Covid is bad until it affects them doing something they want to do and then its not that bad.

We’ve got a staff member who always wants us to shutdown but gets angry if she only gets 80% of her wage on furlough. Basically, she doesn’t want to be at work but wants full pay because its not fair. She acts petrified of Covid. She is fit and healthy but stressed to the max at the thought of catching it. 

Our food shop gets delivered to our home and when we had Covid my wife told the driver to leave everything outside. He laughed and said no way because everyone else was getting time off and he was desperate to get pinged and isolation. He walked straight into our kitchen. He told us how a family member had it months ago and he left his mobile at their bedside for a weekend hoping to get pinged which he didn’t. People are mental. What can you do about a guy like that.

I know a nurse who went off sick for a year with stress when Covid broke. She allowed people to clap her every week for her “great work”. She wasn’t even there. She’s been off again with a bad back. She’s taken a wage rise. A bit like a soldier refusing to go to war if you ask me. Caring for the sick is her job. She only cares about herself.

The world is getting a little messed up in my opinion. Where has resilience gone in these times. Everybody has to cowboy up, work together, help each other and get through this.

Sorry if this offends you or anyone else. Rant over.

RR

I hear you RR and I agree. If everybody cowboyed up a little bit, then you wouldn't get staffing crisies. It always seems to be the same people that take the Michael and it frustrates me. I feel guilty when I say no to extra shifts but then most of the time I do my bit when asked. I suppose that as far as the virus goes if the person genuinely does have the virus and has proved it, then that's fair enough that they are off, cos they got no choice. But I got no sympathy for otherwise healthy people who just take time off cos they are worried that they might get it. I put them in the same category of people who ring up a few hours before there shift starts with the old classic "sickness and diarrhoea"... other wise known as "am a bit tired and I can't be bothered to make the effort to come in". Mona over.

Am actually have a good day today. I hade a good run this morning. Ben up town had a costa coffee and a nice chat with a random person in the shop. Bought some food. Done some tidying up and now am here doing some reading and writing.

Things are ok.

Thanks for listening

Hiya, 

Just wanted to say a massive well done for saying "no" to a shift on your day off, before. I missed that post. I'm really, really proud of you.

Can I ask, is it getting easier to say "no" over time? Most people find if they tough it out through the first few times, it gets loads easier. Hope this has also been the case for you. 

I stripped a minute off my 5k time, now. Woohoo! I love improving my fitness.

f x

To be honest Freda it hasn't especially got easier to say "no" but thankfully the requests to do more are now getting less again. Of course I then ask myself, am I out of favour? In theory I don't care what other people think of me but in practice its always nice to be liked and appreciated and people to actually say so. It takes time I think to really get to know what people are like. The current area manager, when she first started which was not tin the area manager role, use to phone me all the time to offload but now she's settled in the organisation she seldom gives me the time of day. From a professional point of view I kind of get it, cos she'd be the one to sack me if that situation arose. But from a human being to human being point of view it does kind of make me think. I was useful for a bit but now am not.

On this theme I had a supervision the other day. The first one since the pandemic began. I didn't even know it was a supervision until I was sitting in a room being told it was a supervision. It was the ultimately box ticking or rather ipad swiping exercise. Did I have anything wanted to say about this list of topics??...glance at list on ipad... ermmm nope...  write ok... sign here. I asks how am I doing? To which the reply came... "yup your fine, not had any complaints".. ok great. See you in 2 years I joked. Off I went.

All for now. No gambling.

Thanks for listening x

Really tired, worn out and depressed today.

It is what it is.

Well iv'e got a few days off. It hasn't come a moment too soon. I started looosing my s**t at work yesterday. Arrived feeling angry and came close to throwing a wobbly over things that wouldn't normally wind me up. Got upset with colleague, cos she wasn't answering the work phones, saying it was just such and such being a pain pressing their pendant again. But then somebody had to answer it, the pain in the a**e client might have been having a heart attack. Ya can't just let the phone ring and ring and ring and ring. Somebody has to f*****g answer it. Anyway survived the shift, just about.

I tell ya something am glad am properly blocked from online gambling with both gamstop and gamban, cos in all honesty i'd probably have been "at it" in the wee small hours, just to calm myself down, at one of those dodgy casino's (registered on Mars) that wouldn't have paid you out even if had won. Anyway practical blocks did there job. Didn't gamble.

I need lots of rest and slow jogs and good food and sleep. get myself back into good headspace if i can.

Thanks for listening

Oh SA!!!!

Feel for you and relate so much! 

Today (last night) I walked in calmer but rumours  were already spread about me "giving boss some d**n good eye opener & ear clip" ?..tbh, made me feel better because some things had to be said and I'm sorry...but someone has to stand up and this time it was me! Lost it but was honest with my view...so feeling  a bit better lol

I'm usually  very quiet "sheep", I wouldn't  raise for conversation  or "view" ...but there is a point and if I reach it, I reach it...like a bull towards  red cloth...mind you NEVER IN PUBLIC. just the ones who knows situ and sits on their buts wriggling  their fingers trying  to avoid the situation  in front of their eyes.. 

Phew.  I guess pressure  is all around recently.  Something  big happened few days ago and something  had to change.. and presently  seems like we are moving  to the right direction..for support,  how long for? Don't know. ..don't know if the sinking  ship can be saved really..something  gotta give one day...you just can't keep pushing  as they do as its just beyond  ridiculous.  It's a shame I cannot go into details, because it would turn many ears 360° but...the reality is eye watering  really. 

On a positive,  I saved someone's  life ?..and I think things like that keeps me going...maybe I am a secret angel for some and devil for others  huh?

You have right to get upset and be on the verge sometimes...but as I pointed out to my boss " there is a limit and our wellbeing  needs to be addressed..there is a line, we are all human beings"...im glad yo also acknowledge  this, ..self care...time to stop and breathe (and maybe say "NO")...enjoy  your runs..and I shall try and enjoy my sleep!...

Laters well done on not succumbing  to urges man, another  day ticked  off, keep this up!

S&B xx

SA,

I meant to reply last week to thank you for your training advice. Thank you.

I will try the back to back longish runs. That sounds beneficial.

Sorry about your g**h at work. It’ll pass without gambling. Tomorrow is another day and all that.

RR