Hope

Yes indeed RR. Am now into my 3rd day away from work and am finally starting to switch off from it. I could quite happily not work. Am I allowed to admit that? I feel like iv'e made my contribution towards mankind. Ive helped and helped and supported and supported and cared and cared for the best part of 3 decades. If money wasn't a necessity i'd happily spend my time doing daily runs and pootling about enjoying nature etc etc. But alas such is the situation ive created for myself am likely to be working well into my sixties, that is unless its decided for me to return to my ethereal self.

I find myself being slightly jealous of somebody I know whom as far as I can see has very little outgoings as he still lives in  the family home and spends his time and energy running and travelling all over the country doing half marathons. His facebook is covered photos of him with his medals or in the pub with like minded souls. And here is me waiting for pay day once again so i can buy food, let alone anything else.

Don't get me wrong am not feeling particularly depressed day. In fact ive just been for a very enjoyable run but I have regrets of course. Musn't dwell. Live in the moment and all that.

Thanks for listening

Well have just done another long run. 3 days, 3 long runs. Quite why am not sure. I got no races booked up. I just want to push myself I guess, see what am capable of.

Nothing else to say.

Thanks for listening

Well unsurprisingly I actually became depressed yesterday, not because of gambling addiction, but because of over running. Three long runs on 3 consecutive days is not the way to train, especially when your nearly 50. The running caught up with me and serious fatigue and melancholly set in. Went to bed at 7 but to my surprise ive made a remarkable recovery... 12 hours in bed and i feel fine now, but deffo no running today.

I am grateful for physical fitness, even if it does come with a wobbly belly! 😉

Just been sorting out all my recycling, which i haven't done for ages. The amount of coffee jars, jam jars, marmite jars, squash bottles and milk cartons was huge for a single person household. And then the amount of cardboard just from cereal boxes was rediculous. We create so much waste that's for sure. Anyway ive just watched the recycling lorry take the lot even though it wasn't all in the council supplied carriers. That's that job jobbed for another month.

When I next have more than 3p to my name am gonna buy some plants. That's my new thing. My sister bought me a plant for my mental health during the pandemic. Its now gone all schizophrenic on me, parts of it are dead and parts of it are blooming. A dead leaf next to a living leaf. I think it needs some friends. So friends it will get.

Done my first covid test for a few days, negative as always. I do feel like I will be one of these people that never gets it. No body in my family has had it either. Excellent immune systems perhaps.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Sit back and breathe, need to rebalance yourself and ground your soul ? (talking the one who is dropping down the rabbit hole again with crazy OT and gym ?).

Seriously,  time comes when body talks louder than our thoughts  and we just have to stop and listen. It was strange having  that quite good therapeutic massage and the next day I  already felt tense and in muscle  pain ...crazy! Massage was painful as I had many "tangled up muscles"..in other words knots! Ouche indeed...so I know that as much as I try to do something  right, I am going  somewhere  wrong with my training.  Maybe cause I choose wayyy over my capability  weights to work with ?...sometimes I lift my own weight...no wonder I'm all crippled!

Anyway...back to you and your mental health plant!I've seen it ...shhhh...wow! Didn't realise they actually  called like that. It needs care and love mate!it looked on the last legs lol...bless...but, it had survived  covid so not all that bad!

Glad you chose YOU day today. Rest up and pls eat!

I am again not sure if im coming  or going  as just off nightshift  and have to be up at stupid hour for some more...telling ya, I am definitely  not the best of friends  for myself recently. Struggle mentally...and to be fair, looking for escape (work) so I can manage to avoid other harmful  stuff. ..still I can see clearly its not a solution. 

Bahh...all is good! Saddo Billy no mates checking  out now ?

Take care SA...remember  - YOU MATTER

S&B xx

Hi SB.... I think my plant is schizoid. Its dying but also sprouting new life.

Ive also done another stupidly long run. Two hours and twenty minutes along the canals. Am currently still on the runners high though am sure I will crash a bit later in the day. Ive just eaten enough food for 4 and am now chilling like a lion after its eaten its wilderbeast.

Forum seems quite quiet nowadays. Has everyone got better?? I think probably not. My diary just grows ad infinitum. maybe I should just print it out and put a title on the front.... "diary of a compulsive gambler" would be the obvious title.

Thanks for listening

I haven't gotten better, I just can't be bothered to write out my thoughts, often. I dunno.... it seems obvious now, what is happening, what to do.... it's just doing it. It's just silly drama, crazy people, disappointment, loneliness. 

Same old same old. Do you think people are getting weary? I do. 

Well I think its only part of human nature to get a bit weary. From a spiritual perspective our higher self actually dims are light so that we can disassociate from life events, people and psychological pain that we are currently unable to process and deal with. From a soul perspective, to be detached from others is a way to safe a souls physical life. Not sure if that makes any sense. I watch too many youtube video's.

Iv'e always been detached. Its become like a learnt behaviour for me. I grow weary of my life and the same old same old but at the same time it brings some comfort. I have a rich inner world and sometimes that's just fine. Muct admit though I am struggling with poor mental health at the moment. It feels like anything can trigger me into anxiety and rage.

Yesterday it was a man on the bus. I was on top deck. He came up to me, bottle of beer in one hand and attitude in the other. Oi mate ya got any rizzlers "in it" ? Erm no I don't smoke. O come on man I need a smoke everyone has rizzlers "in it"... umm sorry mate can't help you. O for f**k sake man you disrespect me "in it"... hey I just want to sit quietly on the bus... don't disrespect man "in it". Look am just out of prison, look see ma tag man, "in it"... was in for armed robbery.... "O" I says. Uncomfortable pause. Am going down stairs I says. Go on then f**k off ya P***y "in it". I says nothing and I gets off bus a couple of stops early feeling really stressed. In short he's the sort of idiot that would probably punch someone in the face, when he wants to go back to prison. where do these idiots come from?? I arrived at work all wound up. Takes me ages to calm down once am wound up. But eventually I did of course.

Strange people always seem to come and talk to me, or sit next to me. I guess its my friendly face. If they are mild mannered am usually ok with it. I don't mind other peoples mental health issues as long as it doesn't become threatening. i really struggle with any sort of confrontation. In all honesty I just go bright red and go into flight mode rather than fight mode. me no do confrontation.

Anyway ramble over

Thanks for listening

Oh, SA, I can relate!

It's the same with me. If I'm shaken up emotionally like that, it takes me hours to feel on an even keel again. That was me, yesterday. It took a lot of energy to prevent myself from crying, on several occasions. I sometimes think I should start to cry when people are horrible to me. They should have to face what their nasty attitude has done to someone. 

Yes, I spent the rest of the shift drifting in and out of my body. I can relate to that, too. 

Well done for holding it together. Not nice working in the middle of this 3 ring sheet show that has been created.

Oh dear SA, that is most awful situation  to be in! Glad you just walked off...we have to pick our battles very carefully. 

I had similar  2 days ago. 8 people who were not the most pleasant  ones shown extreme dislike of me (gotta pick one) and it was so tense I actually  chose to wind myself in to prevent  escalation! So even I have to pick my battles, esp when numbers are concerned...

Had to re-visit same  ppl yesterday  and even if I pre warned my boss about the experience  just a day ago -i still had to go. How I felt at a time? Very scared and vulnerable  and just ready to be ripped to pieces going bk to lions den. 

That's where my guardian  angels must of came in because I am still here and breathing.  Higher power exists!

It takes time to wind down indeed..this situation lingered on my mind for two days..but eventually  it goes...onto next lol...

Look after  yourself and stay safe!!

S&B xx

Hello World.... Well I haven't especially wanted to write anything recently. Even I grow tired of saying pretty much the same old stuff over and and over like on an endless loop. Though at the same time I know its good for me to write, especially as I continue to struggle with poor mental health. Some days or a part of a day I may simply not want to be alive anymore and then other days or a part of a day I feel just fine and then suddenly I might think of self-harm, though thankfully its been many years since I actually did anything physical to myself.

Tomorrow or rather later today am gonna arrange some time off so i can go visit my Dad. he is now I fear approaching the end. He is in hospital on morphine etc.. cancer now untreatable. The docs now just help him manage the pain. When I spoke to him I could tell that he is getting weaker.

When ever I speak to my sisters, there are tears and yet from me there are none. I don't know why this is so. I love my dad and yet I cannot cry. I am more likely to cry after say, having gambled my money away and feeling sorry for myself. I am more likely to cry after getting angry and stressed at work. But cry for a dying loved one, nope nothing, nothing so far. Is this simply the "man thing" ie how I have been socialised or something else?

The sad thing is is that I have never really had any deep and meaningful emotional connection to anybody ever, despite being a sensitive soul. I feel sad if I allow myself to dwell on that too much.

Anyway, life goes on.

Thanks for listening.

Hi SA,

I have read your post and I feel for you buddy.

I don’t have any real words for you other than keep believing it will get better. It will.

I will catch up again and hopefully do a better job of supporting you.

RR

Oh, SA

I feel the sadness in your post. Sounds like life feels very drudgy. I couldn't think of the right word, there, so I might have made that up.

SAD seems to be hitting me this year, harder than usual. There's a weird subdued nature to people these days. I can't quite put my finger on why but life feels less colourful, less vibrant.

I'm not really close to anyone. I can relate to how that might feel, although our individual experiences will be slightly different.

I wonder if you are experiencing burnout from your work. It is very common for anyone doing it long-term. I can imagine there was a time you got a sense of purpose and pride, from making a client's day a little more comfortable or dignified. Long-term understaffing can take that pride away, if you feel you have been firefighting for months and can only do the quickest and simplest of "bodge" jobs to get round everyone.

Sorry to hear about your Dad. It's difficult either way, I would imagine - whether the tears flow, or are elusive. 

When I started reading your post, I presumed you had been in action, gambling. I'm not sure, now.

Anyway, I am wishing I knew what I could say to provide some comfort. Take care f x

Hi SA,

Just a quick note to say that you are in my thoughts right now. 

Embrace these precious moments with your Dad. You are doing absolutely the right thing in taking some time off from work to do so.

Stay strong.

NT

Thanks all. And no freda am not at "it", but am not really working recovery either. When am bored and restless I sometimes watch slot videos on You tube.... which i know is simply feeding the devil within, but i have done it knowing that i can't act on it... due to gamstop and gamban.

Not a great deal else to say at this moment in time. Gearing myself up for a work shift. heres hoping am not doing the double up calls with an agency staff.

Thanks for listening

Afternoon world,

Well am back from a trip down south to see the family and more specifically to see my dad whom has reached  "end of life". He's still with us but stays in bed most of the time, with just occasional forays to the toilet (just able to walk). He has a new favourite friend and he's called Morphine Sulphate. Iv'e seldom seen my dad getting distressed, but at one point he did. He needed to know and needed to be reassured that he had enough to last the weekend. We or rather his 85 year old wife tried her best to get the doctor, after being on hold for 45 minutes, to issue another presciption to go the chemist for somebody to collect the following day.

The sad reality is is that their is no joined up care at the end of life, just kind words from kind and well meaning professionals but no proper plan and action of care. Its all disjointed, different agencies and organisations responsible for different things or nothing. Health and social care are separate. As folk may have seen on the news lately, the reality is that folk fend for themselves. All my dad cares about now is his morphine and he shouldn't be getting stressed about getting prescriptions and neither should his wife.

Anyway I spent some time with him which was the main thing. Talked about old times, looked at many a photo. he even showed me his CV dating back to 1954. Very clever was my Dad. He sold many a weapon of war to dodgy dictatorships, though he promises me that he wasn't the one who handed over bundles of cash to the middle men.

Iv'e said my goodbyes. Glad I was able to do that before his mind starts to faulter. I told him to come and keep an eye on me when he's crossed to the other side..... god only knows I need it lol

I think I will leave it their for now. This post is dedicated to my dad.

Thanks for listening