Hope

Well hey yes, my world is just weird and absolutely all over the place at the moment. I can honestly say phhysically I have fully recovered. My appetite returned with avengence last night. I had to get up at midnight and eat lots of marmite on toast. I was craving carbs after days of mainly liquids and those actimel culture shots. This morning I was full of energy, went to work, no problem doing the shift but then it started going wrong when one of the afternoon staff rang in sick and I stayed on. I then found myself working 2 job cards up until 5 to then find the two other afternoon staff sitting in the office and then I being asked if I can do another call, bla bla. At which point I found myself getting angry inside and i new i needed to go. I played the  "i'm still poorly card", i have to go and then I left...

..... and this is the problem isn't it... the more you give the more your asked to give.... the reality being that nobody really gives a flying f**k, we are all just trying to get through the shift in the best way we can and if that means asking somebody whom has been working all day to just do a bit more then so be it....

.... its like am pleased that am well again and so quickly, but am still on an emotional rollercoaster. The whole grieving for my dad has taken a complete back seat whilst i negotiate my way through illness and work shifts. I think i have 6 shifts to go before i have my two weeks leave re funeral etc. maybe then i can get a bit more of a grip on thinmgs.

Must admit though what I am f*****g happy about is this.... I am not gambling and haven't for a while and I have no intemntion of making thiongs worse by gambling. Isn't awful when your going through life stressors and at the back of your mind you know that you av blown your money and ya got 5p sitting in your bank account...just a few days after a pay day. Isn't that just the worst. It compounds everything doesn't it. It just makes life so anxious ridden, like "how the f**k am i going to survive!!"

... but not this time you mudda f****r gambling devil lol... I have aklot more than 5 P my name.

Right I need to chill. Am high as a kite at the moment.

Thanks for listeninbg

Thanks freda xxxxx... and yes the fasting thing... spose to be good for preventing cancer as well. 

I think your strong work ethic and value system, put you at risk in any toxic system where people don't do their fair share. 

Ideally, everyone would be like you and there would be shared strain between everyone. Which would amount to manageable strain for everyone. What you do, is do more than your fair share, equalling most of the strain on your shoulders.

I used to be like you, then I had several nervous breakdowns and realised, it's OK to have limits. It sucks for the sick people depending on others but I can't shoulder all of the responsibility AND be well. It's OK to need to be well. I do my fair share but not more, now.

Had I not adjusted my values and attitudes, I'd have gone to a very premature grave. 

f x

Thanks Freda.... To reflect on your thoughts I honestly think I should have died by my own hands many years ago, but I didn't am still here. I am alive!

Its been a rollercoaster couple of weeks and emotional. I broke down at my dads funeral, much to my surprise. I'd been very unemotional right up until the point that I walked into the church and Requiem : ‘In Paradisum’ by Gabriel Fauré was playing. At least I think it was this. For Inspector Morse fans... it was the music that they played when Morse had his heart attack in the last episode. Anyway that was the trigger. Music was the trigger. The tears flowed. I then had to read a poem whilst fighting back the tears. One of the hardest things that ive ever done.

In retrospect am glad that I cried. Loved my dad I did. He was so well respected. He had work colleagues from 30/40 years ago showing up to thank him for kick starting there careers etc and being such an effective team player. He was highly analytical as well, developing systems and formula's for this that and the other. Talents that often go unseen and unacknowledged. And then there was the kindness as well. Helping others when he didn't have to. he's gone to heaven that's for sure. R.I.P x

Iv'e come to realise that my whole family are much the same, which I guess is no surprise. I watched my sisters forensically going through my dads estate. Using charts and formula's to put together a visual representation of his various investments, savings etc. I felt a bit useless really, because am not an executor of his affairs. My sisters and my dads wife are and that's where it gets messy. Cos my dads wife has a very different character and has a degree of narcissism, which will make settling his estate difficult. It may all end up with solicitors... but that's a whole different story.

As for me, well at some point I will inherit something but what that will be I don't know. Apparently and unsurprisingly discussions have been had about me and the wisdom of money coming my way but as it stands and as far as i understand, money will come my way. At that point options and possibilities will come my way which of cause does excite me. Iv'e lived on the financial edge my whole adult life so to have more than "just enough" does excite me. As a prelude to what "maybe" coming I have already been given a rather expensive rollex watch, which i could have brought home with me but I decided just to leave it in my sisters care, so all thoughts of pawning it are gone.... not that I really have those thoughts... but as fellow CG's am sure you understand.

Am doing ok on the not gambling front. I wonder how it will effect me to have several thousand pounds sitting in my bank account. Its never been my MO to put large bets on something or fly to Vegas to put it all on black. The danger for me I think  would be the slow frittering it away on the machines that iv'e always gambled on, which would make no sense, but then gambling addiction makes no sense does it? It never has been about money really. It only feels like being about money when you haven't got any.

Options and possibilities maybe coming my way. I tell ya what i would do. Several pairs of decent running trainers and go travel to races and a decent sports watch and iv'e got a big list of stuff to sort out in my flat and god forbid some new clothes and and and.... 🙂

Thanks for listening.

Morning world,

Well I don't think ive had two full weeks off work in the last decade and certainly not since the pandemic started and this last two weeks has also proved to be the case as well. Yesterday I had the call asking me where I was? My shift hadn't even been marked off as needing cover, let alone anyone actually trying to cover it. I decided to go in with a smile on my face and do the shift with no grumbling. In truth I expected it. The senior did check on the system and yes it was correctly booked as me being on annual leave but they didn't have anyone to cover so it was just left. She has now marked my last annual leave day on Sunday as needing cover, which of course it won't be and rest assured I will get a call later today asking if I will come in anyway.

The thing is... on the one hand I get it... its a pandemic, everywhere is short staffed, we all have to do are bit BUT at what point am I allowed to look after my own mental health and actually be able just to chill and do whatever I want to do including the option of doing nothing??.... all without feeling a slight pang of guilt. So today I kind of keep my phone off as much as possible and I know at some point I will switch it on and I will have some missed calls and a text message about tomorrow. Its just relentless. This has been my life for years and years and years. It never ends. I feel depressed today.

Anyway thanks for listening

Hey you,

I hear your frustrations and nod along..."at what point we are allowed to look after  ourselves?".. true...I guess in this line of work you're  expected  to do your bit ...and some extra as its "part of the package ". Its truly wrong way to look at things but I doubt anything  will change anytime soon..if ever. 

My days off been cancelled  too...just cause they need resilience. I can fume as much as I like deep down, it's not gonna change anything.  When you think in this day and age...and esp knowing  that mental health is so fragile to many.....some reforms should take place...but they don't.  No wonder good people like yourself  ends up suffering  in silence and carries the load regardless.  That is ever so wrong in my eyes.

Keep your phone off...is what I say!! I would do the same but guess would  expect a door knock then ?..vicious cycle  indeed.

Hey, at least there are some positives in you saying  safe from evil addiction.  This is the time where we may make nasty and regretful  choices...but we keep clear mind open right..  let's continue  this way...these short days will pass, sun will come out and warm our hearts,  bodies and souls.

I'm a bit depressed too ?....but, since I have few hours spare till shift commences...I shall kick my sorry a**e into gear and go to exercise  a bit. Sometimes  we have to push ourselves  huh...for the better good. 

Somehow  this reminded me serenity  prayer " accept the things you cannot  change and change what you can"...or something  along those lines ?...balance is the key....try and keep balanced out, you are worth good things in your life!

Ciao for now 

S&B xx

How I wish I could take the pain away. I am very proud of you for keeping that phone switched off. Every time you do it, it will get a little easier. Persist. Do what you have to do to prevent burnout, as even if you can't do it for yourself, ultimately, that would leave them short-staffed for longer.

Take care, you're doing great. Change is a painful process. Like being born again. 

I'm so glad you had some time to feel your grief and process your Dad's passing, at least to some extent.

Savings accounts with 30 days notice required, or more, were extremely helpful for me, when my divorce settlement from our flat sale, landed in my account.

f x

As always thank you both for your thoughts. I think about what you say x

Well I did keep my phone off and when I did put it on I hadn't been contacted. So that's good 🙂

Well I have to note for posterity that am back on the running thing. On Friday I slow jogged for 2 hours and 15 minutes and this morning I slow jogged for 2 hours and 30 minutes. So basically with those two runs ive done the equivalent of the marathon distance. So well done to me!

Don't get me wrong am not fit enough to run the marathon in one sitting, but I am in reasonable shape just now. What's interesting is that when I was ill I lost some weight, only half a stone or so, but it doesn't arf make a difference. lets see if I can keep the weight off and maybe lose a bit more. As always bread is my downfall.

Anyway today is a good day, despite the fog and general gloom. I predict that this Omicrom wave will come and go without overwhleming the NHS... to me it just seems like its turning into a "cold" for the vast majority of people. I hope the government doesn't panick and introduce new measures when they don't have to.

Thanks for listening

Happy Christmas Eve S.A.

Sorry for not catching up with you recently. I’ve had a stressful few weeks snd been running around like an idiot. Sadly not running in the form of my preference.

Im booked in to run a Scottish marathon in May. I’ve got a decent base but I need to start training properly such as real speedwork. I’ve neglected this for years. I’m slowing down. One speed session and hill session per week on top of what I’ll do and I’d be grand but I need to get doing it.

Anyway, I hope that you’re ok and you enjoy your day tomorrow.

RR

it really does make a difference - I hear you! I'm not running atm, for that reason.

Hope this finds you well, all the very best, let's achieve some solid positive change this year, eh?

f x

Thanks for your thoughts folks and a happy new year to all. Can't believe its been a couple of weeks since my last post. Christmas and new year has past in something of a work fog. Although I haven't worked rediculous hours like what I have in the past am still feeling very drained. I have a crop of mouth ulcers which I haven't suffered with for years really. I keep thinking iv'e got the Covid as everyone around me seems to be getting it, but nope, negative, negative, negative. No isolation for me.

Am now just staring blankly at the screen. Nothing else to say. Time for a little sleep. Like you say Freda.. make the new year a time for solid, positive change.

Thanks for listening.

P.s Running has suddenly died a death. It is what it is. I will get back to it soon enough.

Hey & Happy new year to you!

I hear you about Covid. A bit ashamed to admit but my heart also sinks when result reads negative. How come when everyone around me got it?

Had few days off already  and only o r more to go but this time round my psyche is totally messed up. I did not recover from my phone shift yet and I sleep few hours and wake up stupid hours of the night just to fall back to sleep till late afternoon...and so the cycle  continues.  Very much so out of sync. Did more hours than I ever did before so may e it's actually  taking its tool and I need to accept that.

Managed gym yesterday  so at least something  positive. How are your runs? Back to it? It was mild recently  and what it seemed, perfect weather for a good outdoor  run!

Feel a bit strange.  Had a real dream about my boss (RIP) this morning/aft and we just walked and talked. ...of how s**t last year has been lol. Very surreal and also very Very pleasant  to see his smile and hear his voice again...albeit, only in dream.....

Now I'm staring  at the screen....enough  Saif.

Look after  yourself 

S&B xx

Happy New Year and Best Wishes for 2022.

I hope you had a fabulous Christmas and enjoyed some time off.

I hope you can enjoy a gambling free 2022 and have a super year.

RR

Ive got a really painful mouth ulcer, that doesn't want to go away. Errrr. Am trying to eat healthy and all the usual but it don't want to heal.

Also does it feel like everything is grounding to a halt. have just been to post mine other staffs covid boxes and the post box was full! Is the whole world just sitting at home with a few covid sniffles wondering what all the fuss is about?? It really is strange times. I think we should just let Omicron work its way through the population because its such a milder illness for most. Cancel routine hospital treatment for a few weeks until the worst is over and then we can get back on track. To have basically healthy people sitting at home and everything grinding to a halt is daft in my opinion.

Anyway that my ten pence worth. No gambling and thanks for listening.

SA

happy new year fella, it’s been a while since I posted, I have the virus and therefore have been gifted time, granted even double jabbed I had four days in bed pretty beat up and wouldn’t wish it upon another living soul. I accept that the new rules left me in the firing line as all but one of the staff in the business I work have contracted the virus, for me it would appear herding immunity is the end goal. With honesty not something that us folk on the ground floor have control or choice over, so I accept it is what it is 

back to you my friend I am glad gambling is dormant and you haven’t lost the ability to raise a smile on my face 

I use salt water on my mouth ulcers, old school but without doubt the best solution to them.

 I hope that the year ahead rewards you in the effort you give 

look after yourself 

Duncs

Cheers for dropping in Duncs. Glad your basically ok and doing well despite getting the virus. Herd immunity well on the way me thinks.

Am back running. feeling good. I had the weekend off, two good runs, ulcer healing and I haven't been rung about going into work. Not yet anyway! 🙂

No gambling either.

Thanks for listening