Hope

Dear diary,

Things ok at the moment. Bit lonely perhaps, but ok in myself. Work has settled down. It looks like I will "just" be doing my contracted hours this week, which feels great. All I ever really wanted was a steady job and steady hours. I was really relaxed at work today and the shift was quite fun. Working with a good bunch of people.

Yesterday the council installed my new electric heaters, to replace my decades old heaters that I never used cos they were so expensive. Must admit that that item on the news about advice given to customers, (that everybody was so up in arms about), I didn't have a problem with it. Put a jumper on, hug ya pet, hot drinks... do what you have to do to keep warm. Iv'e been doing this sort of thing for years, cos have had to. people get too reliant on their gas central heating. If ya can't afford it then you have to adapt... that's life.

For my part I put all my heaters on for one night, just to see how much it would cost to charge them all up. The answer £5... which is too much for me. It would be a big monthly bill. So am just gonna use the bedroom one. It is nice to sleep in a not cold bedroom.

Got my hair cut as well in a place called a hairdressers. Only the second time in the last 2 years. Today I don't look like ive been dragged through a hedge backwards 🙂

Anyway no gambling and no gambling issues today.

Thanks for listening

Lovely to read you are enjoying the simple things in life, taking good care of yourself. 

Class, man!

f x

Thanks Freda... but alas I haven't looked after myself. After a period of time off it, I couldn't tell you how long, I have now fallen off the wagon once more. My excuse... a particularly bad day at work, but I spose it could have been anything. I am now living very frugally for the next 4 weeks. Just glad I did at least pay some priority bills Sigh!

Hi,

It's OK that you acknowledge  the triggers. Now just need to ensure you react to them differently.  We both know that life stresses will come and go, there is no smooth sailing, esp I this day and age where world went a bit coo coo!

What can you do to protect  yourself better?

Maybe start with the establishment  you visited and submit self exclusion form? I know its same cycle and possibly  will not ensure 100% protection but I think you have to keep trying  until it finally works!

Secondly,  maybe worth setting up an account  where you cannot access cash as easily. I have bonds account. Saved money sits there and I try to keep my active bank account  only for the bills and estimated spending  for a month....food, petrol..etc.

If urge rises and I need to dip into my savings  - I know utterly won't clear within 3-4 days...so, the time I "buy" for the urge to go away is very welcome. 

Just an Idea I guess...little steps to protect  yourself  better.

Rbf, seeing sisters s**t is deterring me from making bad choice myself.  Debt is a lot of hassle and temporary  escape is truly not worth prolonged stressed time in making things better again.

Go for a run, clear that head, don't  hurt yourself again..you're  good soul.

S&B xx

Thanks S&B... I take your thoughts on board x

Today is just the worst. A day off, the sun shines, but have spent much of the day just lying in bed, waves of angst as I remember what i did. I haven't had these sort of feelings for several months now.

A hundred pounds gone in ten minutes, four hundred gone in two hours. When you work for minimum wage its a lot of money. Thought i'd finally freed myself from the madness. Sadly I was wrong.

Its almost like I go into shock when i do the deed. The speed with which money goes when gambling.

f**k

I'm so sorry, SA.

Regarding my own situation - he's a disgusting excuse for a human. I need to give people fewer chances.

Hey,

How are things with you? Please please  look after  yourself  and don't  make repeated mistakes. 

Lapse is repairable,  it does not have to tumble  down with repeated actions. 

.you're  good man, show yourself  some love, care and forgiveness. We all stumble down but we must get back up and try again.

S&B xx

@s-687 

Hi

I have been in recovery some time now and I found out I could give up completely I went back and forth each time now wanting to go back to meetings because I felt such a failure.

Yet like mountain climbers by being tied to each other I learned from each unhealthy step on the way.

In time I would find out what of my emotional triggers caused me to want to escape.

Now looking backwards I would say for me each break out was a lesson for me to learn from.

In recovery I started to give up beating myself up and causing myself more and more pain.

The recovery would help me to learn to be kind and caring towards myself.

Today I understand I am unable to change the past, yet I am willing to learn from it.

To learn from the past unhealthy habits and make changes in my life today.

There was one I was clean for 11 months and two weeks and I went and gambled.

I found out two things I feared having a birthday and people looking at me, and I felt that I was not worthy of people seeing me as credible person or worth while.

In time I found it is not wat I say that counts but what I do.

Do I demonstrate healthy habits, am I willing to give of myself to other people unconditionally.

Do I demonstrate being patient and tolerant. Do I demonstrate healthy spiritual values.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

Hello dave... ive been reading your thoughts on and off for many years. You do indeed have much wisdom gained over many years of abstinence and healing. As many people have said to me over the years.. "I do it too myself". We are all masters over our own lives. We all make our choices. I make my choices, not always the healthiest ones. I am a work in progress as always.

I am slowly stabilising after my recent gambling. Same behaviour, same outcome, same, same, same.

I actually still remember the day when I crossed the line into addictive gambling about 25 years ago. The day I walked into an arcade aged about 25 and started playing a slot machine. having a quick win, a quick fix of dopamine and that was enough to send me back time and time again.... It is the strangest of all addictions.

Iv'e had some long periods off it, but never fully kicked it into touch. Still a work in progress.

be good to myself by not gambling.

Thanks for listening

@s-687 

You have been reading your thoughts on and off for many years.

I do hope it has bee of some help.

"I do it too myself". In time I would understand that my unhealthy reaction in escaping and going in to panic more and more not understanding that my emotional triggers of fears raised so much panic I felt helpless and insecure.

In reacting in unhealthy ways I certainly did not feel that I was master in my own life.

Sticking with the meetings and attending more meetings when I needed it really helped.

There were different kinds of meetings and some were very powerful for me in the therapy sessions.

I am also work in progress as always.

I am Glad that you are slowly stabilising after your recent gambling.

It was not the money or gambling that hurt me but me hurting myself.

After each break out it took time to heal  the pains I caused myself.

It is always healthier and cheaper in making a call before we gamble and more importantly can save us causing our self more and more pains.

My behaviour before recovery was vey unstable, same outcome causing me more pains, living in my pains was not healthy at all..

I walked into an amusement arcades down at Brighton when I was younger than a teenager.

It is a good thing that you have  had some long periods off being unhealthy.

Writing down your needs wants and goals and doing daily lists really helped me.

When coming to a conclusion on making important decisions speak to some one and talk it out.

Make sure it is healthy and help you achieve more healthy things in your life.

Thank you for coming back to me.

Thanks for listening also.

Love and peace to every one 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Unless my maths are c**P (very possible), no wayyy you are 50!!! Huh, cmon SA, you look like spring chicken mate ?

Thanks for your ongoing  support. I really appreciate  it. Very simple and straightforward..and always inspiring. I tend to think sometimes  that people who are hurting,  can provide  the best advise and support  ever. Kind of understanding  the pain one goes through. 

I looked up carers jobs today. Painful  hours & pay but in a way I may be leaning towards that better stability in my head. Figure you don't get many folks in their 90's coming at ya with a blade either?..that's a win win to me!

On a serious  note, nothing  changes if nothing  changes.  Continue  to dig deeper SA,there still something  missing..(same as to most of us still here).

Remember,  staying  clean for today, delivers positive thoughts  and feelings  tomorrow  ?

S&B xx

Hiya SB... and yes the big 50 is about to arrive, not that it bothers me to be honest, its just a number.

Have just found out that have been automatically enrolled for a half marathon in March. It was cancelled in march 2020 after i'd paid my entry and has only now started up again. So i'd better run it hadn't I. have just cajoled my manager to give me the time off.

Its been a really s**t day at work. Really really tiring and draining. Somebody was a no show and I ended up doing all the manual handling double up calls. My back aches now. My colleague seems to have a slight learning disability if you ask me and it felt like I was doing everything. Found myself getting really wound up inside. She's still in her twenties but its me that's doing all the work... bla bla moan moan moan.

I am tempted to jack work in for a bit if (and it is a big IF) I have some inheritance come my way. Iv'e worked like a dog for decades. There has to be something more to life than going to work, coming home from work and going to work and coming home from work. Fed up I is.

Thanks for listening. No gambling thoughts

Just had a really enjoyable long run.

Feeling fit and healthy today.

Thanks for listening

That's brilliant. I'm glad you are feeling so positive!

Do you have a plan for if you get access to an inheritance? Can a trusted family member keep hold of it and drip feed it to you?

Another great run today! 🙂

... and yes Freda I think about the inheritance thing quite a lot, that is when am not getting stressed about work.

I have no firm answers to anything as I type. I had a brief chat with one of my sisters and she said it will be your money, your an adult and your entitled to it... and yes that I would agree with. My thoughts go something like this...

I would feel somewhat annoyed if my sister said sorry bro, you can't be trusted and then my share of inheritance would just sit in a bank account doing nothing. I think i'd also struggle, if say, I had to phone my family to say I needed a bed and it cost £299 and then they paid for it direct from the inheritance account and I never dealt with the money at all.

Now am sure there would be many people in recovery who would say, yes that is exactly what needs to happen but to be brutally honest I wouldn't be happy with that. Call it control freakery or addict speak, but am 50 and I don't want to be treated like a child even though my addict behaviour has been arguably child like.

I think what I would be happy with is something like you say Freda... the drip feeding. I guess it depends on what sort of amounts we are talking about, which is unclear at the moment. I would get some receipts for bigger spends but the thing for me is that I do want a sense of being in control. I want to feel like an adult even though my history with money has been irresponsible and arguably child like.

When it comes to gambling am not worried about say putting 5k on a horse or on the roulette wheel.. cos my gambling has never been like that... its always been low to medium stakes on slot machines. Am pretty comprehensively blocked from online, which would be the danger area and all my other gambling over recent years has been in the bookies chasing £500 quid.

I have worth while things I want to spend the money on and ways to enjoy the money without gambling.

Anyway as it stands its all pie in the sky cos the process is still on-going but hey I would be lying if said I wasn't quite excited about having more than "just enough" and maybe not having to shop in charity shops and buy yellow sticker food like "all the time". 

Anyway, thanks Freda for prompting my thoughts. I do need to think things through before something happens.

Thanks for listening