Hope

Lovely to read you are enjoying the simple things in life, taking good care of yourself. 

Class, man!

f x

Thanks Freda... but alas I haven't looked after myself. After a period of time off it, I couldn't tell you how long, I have now fallen off the wagon once more. My excuse... a particularly bad day at work, but I spose it could have been anything. I am now living very frugally for the next 4 weeks. Just glad I did at least pay some priority bills Sigh!

Hi,

It's OK that you acknowledge  the triggers. Now just need to ensure you react to them differently.  We both know that life stresses will come and go, there is no smooth sailing, esp I this day and age where world went a bit coo coo!

What can you do to protect  yourself better?

Maybe start with the establishment  you visited and submit self exclusion form? I know its same cycle and possibly  will not ensure 100% protection but I think you have to keep trying  until it finally works!

Secondly,  maybe worth setting up an account  where you cannot access cash as easily. I have bonds account. Saved money sits there and I try to keep my active bank account  only for the bills and estimated spending  for a month....food, petrol..etc.

If urge rises and I need to dip into my savings  - I know utterly won't clear within 3-4 days...so, the time I "buy" for the urge to go away is very welcome. 

Just an Idea I guess...little steps to protect  yourself  better.

Rbf, seeing sisters s**t is deterring me from making bad choice myself.  Debt is a lot of hassle and temporary  escape is truly not worth prolonged stressed time in making things better again.

Go for a run, clear that head, don't  hurt yourself again..you're  good soul.

S&B xx

Thanks S&B... I take your thoughts on board x

Today is just the worst. A day off, the sun shines, but have spent much of the day just lying in bed, waves of angst as I remember what i did. I haven't had these sort of feelings for several months now.

A hundred pounds gone in ten minutes, four hundred gone in two hours. When you work for minimum wage its a lot of money. Thought i'd finally freed myself from the madness. Sadly I was wrong.

Its almost like I go into shock when i do the deed. The speed with which money goes when gambling.

f**k

I'm so sorry, SA.

Regarding my own situation - he's a disgusting excuse for a human. I need to give people fewer chances.

Hey,

How are things with you? Please please  look after  yourself  and don't  make repeated mistakes. 

Lapse is repairable,  it does not have to tumble  down with repeated actions. 

.you're  good man, show yourself  some love, care and forgiveness. We all stumble down but we must get back up and try again.

S&B xx

Hello dave... ive been reading your thoughts on and off for many years. You do indeed have much wisdom gained over many years of abstinence and healing. As many people have said to me over the years.. "I do it too myself". We are all masters over our own lives. We all make our choices. I make my choices, not always the healthiest ones. I am a work in progress as always.

I am slowly stabilising after my recent gambling. Same behaviour, same outcome, same, same, same.

I actually still remember the day when I crossed the line into addictive gambling about 25 years ago. The day I walked into an arcade aged about 25 and started playing a slot machine. having a quick win, a quick fix of dopamine and that was enough to send me back time and time again.... It is the strangest of all addictions.

Iv'e had some long periods off it, but never fully kicked it into touch. Still a work in progress.

be good to myself by not gambling.

Thanks for listening

Unless my maths are c**P (very possible), no wayyy you are 50!!! Huh, cmon SA, you look like spring chicken mate ?

Thanks for your ongoing  support. I really appreciate  it. Very simple and straightforward..and always inspiring. I tend to think sometimes  that people who are hurting,  can provide  the best advise and support  ever. Kind of understanding  the pain one goes through. 

I looked up carers jobs today. Painful  hours & pay but in a way I may be leaning towards that better stability in my head. Figure you don't get many folks in their 90's coming at ya with a blade either?..that's a win win to me!

On a serious  note, nothing  changes if nothing  changes.  Continue  to dig deeper SA,there still something  missing..(same as to most of us still here).

Remember,  staying  clean for today, delivers positive thoughts  and feelings  tomorrow  ?

S&B xx

Hiya SB... and yes the big 50 is about to arrive, not that it bothers me to be honest, its just a number.

Have just found out that have been automatically enrolled for a half marathon in March. It was cancelled in march 2020 after i'd paid my entry and has only now started up again. So i'd better run it hadn't I. have just cajoled my manager to give me the time off.

Its been a really s**t day at work. Really really tiring and draining. Somebody was a no show and I ended up doing all the manual handling double up calls. My back aches now. My colleague seems to have a slight learning disability if you ask me and it felt like I was doing everything. Found myself getting really wound up inside. She's still in her twenties but its me that's doing all the work... bla bla moan moan moan.

I am tempted to jack work in for a bit if (and it is a big IF) I have some inheritance come my way. Iv'e worked like a dog for decades. There has to be something more to life than going to work, coming home from work and going to work and coming home from work. Fed up I is.

Thanks for listening. No gambling thoughts

Just had a really enjoyable long run.

Feeling fit and healthy today.

Thanks for listening

That's brilliant. I'm glad you are feeling so positive!

Do you have a plan for if you get access to an inheritance? Can a trusted family member keep hold of it and drip feed it to you?

Another great run today! 🙂

... and yes Freda I think about the inheritance thing quite a lot, that is when am not getting stressed about work.

I have no firm answers to anything as I type. I had a brief chat with one of my sisters and she said it will be your money, your an adult and your entitled to it... and yes that I would agree with. My thoughts go something like this...

I would feel somewhat annoyed if my sister said sorry bro, you can't be trusted and then my share of inheritance would just sit in a bank account doing nothing. I think i'd also struggle, if say, I had to phone my family to say I needed a bed and it cost £299 and then they paid for it direct from the inheritance account and I never dealt with the money at all.

Now am sure there would be many people in recovery who would say, yes that is exactly what needs to happen but to be brutally honest I wouldn't be happy with that. Call it control freakery or addict speak, but am 50 and I don't want to be treated like a child even though my addict behaviour has been arguably child like.

I think what I would be happy with is something like you say Freda... the drip feeding. I guess it depends on what sort of amounts we are talking about, which is unclear at the moment. I would get some receipts for bigger spends but the thing for me is that I do want a sense of being in control. I want to feel like an adult even though my history with money has been irresponsible and arguably child like.

When it comes to gambling am not worried about say putting 5k on a horse or on the roulette wheel.. cos my gambling has never been like that... its always been low to medium stakes on slot machines. Am pretty comprehensively blocked from online, which would be the danger area and all my other gambling over recent years has been in the bookies chasing £500 quid.

I have worth while things I want to spend the money on and ways to enjoy the money without gambling.

Anyway as it stands its all pie in the sky cos the process is still on-going but hey I would be lying if said I wasn't quite excited about having more than "just enough" and maybe not having to shop in charity shops and buy yellow sticker food like "all the time". 

Anyway, thanks Freda for prompting my thoughts. I do need to think things through before something happens.

Thanks for listening

Thanks for your thoughts Dave. Age really is just a number a human way to measure the passing of time as we understand it. From things I have read and watched age and time does not exist in the afterlife, in the spiritual domain.

In this human world I work with the elderly and to someone of 90 I am a mere whipper snapper. To some of my 20 year old colleagues I am a fossil lol... but however you look at it, to me it really is just a number.

Work is a mixed bag as always. It was actually a very slow shift... too many staff and not enough work... which is very unusual. But its all about to change again, two members of staff just rung in having tested positive for Covid... so my week end off will undoubtedly not happen. Just tested myself, negative as always. Part of me wants to get this stupid virus just so I can have a few days rest and relaxation. Am sure some people just say they have it so they can get some time off. Am tired of this caring job.... just tired of it...

Looking forward to some inheritance... gives me options and possibilities. Still a bit of a process to go through though after chatting with my sister yesterday. Hey ho. No gambling issues

Onwards....

Thanks for listening

Hi SA, 

I agree, age is only a number! And we are old only to what we feel. You and your running gives you an age of a sprinter! I had cramps with my dodgy knee 5 times today where I had to stand up and do a little shuffle around cause couldn't  feel d**n knee!..so my age...well,late 80"s on few occasions  today.

Regarding the covid. Oh I spoke sooo too soon and it's not as fun as I expected  ?. Am a bit poorly myself but, since I announced  I am fit to work from home, a laptop was delivered  at my doorstep  immediately  ?...now, working  from home explains  the cramps I kept having but also...its quite new experience  for me. 

Miss going out this, didn't  realise the restriction  to stay I will affect me this bad. All this online shopping malarkey, no walkies, no gym...I guess lil one suffers the effects also as just sits near the door every morning  expecting  to go on a journey...but all I can do is just to let her in the garden ?..its difficult  when you live on your own too...

Anyway..work...Apart from like 20 calls I had to make today, the last one made the laugh...cause I was onto IT department and they do that fancy thing when just log in to your desktop  from afar (I'm still in awe!) and it made me laugh as I had the person on a loudspeaker  and Bella was just snoring her head off like no tomorrow  and pretty loud lol...so I was giggling  to myself as sure the person  would hear the background  ??...and trust me, she snores pretty loud ..and sound!

Even if I feel a bit under weather, Im glad I managed to do what I could with work and assist in any way! I managed to do a lit! Gives me great feeling of satisfaction.  Wouldn't  mind doing this full time, it's more structured  and not chaotic where I need to run from one thing to another  whilst do my daily  tasking ....

Anyhow....we are OK yeah, we are on a straight  and narrow....we are staying  safe!

Hugs & I shall log off from work for the day!

S&B xx

Hiya... thanks for your thoughts. Glad to read on your thread that your starting to feel a bit better. Am still waiting to catch it whilst all around me have either got it or had it. Though like you say, if I do get it the reality of staying in for 5 days will probably do my fruit in. 

Must admit am knackered. I didn't realise how worn out I was until somebody pointed it out ie how exhausted i look. The two long runs I did over the weekend have caught up with me. I forget am not a young man anymore. One hour 45 mins on saturday and one hour 15 mins on sunday.... thats 3 hours of running. So lets say I was averaging 10 minute miles... thats 18 miles for the weekend. Not bad for a mature old crusty runner like myself lol

Work P****d me off today, probably cos I was soo f****d, but hey ho survived another shift.

No gambling issues.

Thanks for listening. Might have a little nap now