Hope

Hi SA,

Just checking in, don't visit these diaries as often as I once did.

I can't watch the news, it's just heartbreaking. Weirdly, though, since I accepted I struggle massively to cope with my fairly normal own life and shouldn't feel bad for not being able to give much energy to this stuff, I have gone from strength to strength. I think people who know what vulnerability, fear and instability feel like, feel these things very keenly. Ironically, we are least well-placed to be of help, until we rebuild ourselves to a decent level of resilience first. I get you, though. It's awful to watch feeling so powerless.

Are you still enjoying those runs? I jogged for 5 continuous minutes, last week. Heartrate finally stabilising after thyroid nonsense.

Thanks for your thoughts folks. Thought i'd better check in.

Tired and achy today.. bit depressed as a result. Did my half marathon Sunday. Enjoyed it lots, but it was a struggle. Warm sunshine not good for distance running. Didn't get under two hours. I wasn't expecting to to be honest, its was quite a hilly course and am just too heavy and lets face facts... not fit enough. Gonna try and lose some weight by giving up sugar in coffee. Iv'e just had a cup minus the sugar. Yum yum lol

My mum got covid while I was visiting. Not from me I would add. She tested positive the same day I arrived. She not very well, but not in hospital. I will go down if things get worse. I did enquiry about picking up some shifts but nobody got back to me and am currently not motivated enough to push the issue, cos am not desparate for money.

Nothing much else i want to say. Hi to all. A swim and sauna beckons. Its a hard life 🙂 x

Thanks 

I must admit I am struggling a bit. Am sure many people would be slightly jealous to be in a position of NOT having to work, but the trouble with not working is that it highlights the fact that work has been such an overly large part of my life.

I feel like I want to acheive something "for me" before i go back to work. Am looking for something but I don't know what. Whilst its lovely to get up and potter around and wonder down to the village have a  swim and sauna and chat with folk. Whilst its nice to be able to buy "stuff" and not worry about bill payments or debts.... I then think to myself... what next?? I am an empty vessel, a lost soul bobbing around in the ocean going nowhere. I really don't know what my purpose in life is, other than helping others and now am not even doing that.

I am now starting to feel guilty for not picking up the phone to sort out some shifts and yet at the same time its depressing me the thought of doing so, so I don't do it. Work structures one's life, don't you think? Ya go to work, get tired, go home rest and then do it all again without thinking about it, cos you don't have to.. thats what society wants... obedient workers

Am trying to enjoy my freedom, but today am struggling. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently.

Thanks for listening.

P.s I watched "Tinderswindler" on Netflix. What a psycho that fella is, no empathy, no nothing and yet able to seduce beautiful women and con them out of tens of thousands. How different we all are.

Feeling better. My melancholly has lifted. The big questions of life have melted away for now. Just taking each moment as it comes. Just washed my bedding and done some hoovering. Off down the pool now.

Thanks for listening

Well I have finally caught the virus. Feeling a bit rough. Sent a picture of my red line to work thinking that they would say that I can't come in for my shift on the weekend. But no I had to say I wasn't feeling too good and I wouldn't be in. I think the unofficial policy is that they would rather staff don't test, so they won't know so they come in. Its bad isn't it. Working with the elderly but they still want you to come in.

I'd only just started picking up shifts again, so I may actually have caught it from work. I honest believe my immediate boss has got it, he has a sore throat, sneezing etc, but cos we don't get sick pay he's just decided not to test or ignore the result. I might be wrong.

Not much else to say. Pacing around my flat and long periods lying on my bed. Its an exciting life 😉

No gambling to report.

Thanks for listening

SA,

Covid sucks. I’m lucky I suppose that I’ve never had it bad but its the isolation period that gets to me. No problem staying in when I’m genuinely ill but staying in for 10 days with a runny nose or no symptoms at all drove me crazy. Death by Netflix for me. I was like a zombie by the 10th day and the diet of sugar and fat probably didn’t help ?

Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better soon. Lovely to read that you’re not gambling and that life is better (minus the Covid)

RR

Hey SA,

Hope symptoms  are not too hard on you and you are coming  out the other  side. Cases seems to jump up again. Just never ending  cycle with this huh..

Thought about you the other day whilst making a good use of the treadmill.  Did 10k and almost  collapsed  at the end of it  and just thought  how you manage to run marathons/half ones too. I think I'm getting  too old for long runs...lol..seriously.  my lifestyle brought me to my knees! But any movement/ exercise is still positive for body and mind huh..

Keep on keeping on and be kind to you.

Xx

sorry about the duplicate posts. maybe admin will remove the last couple.

Well am still languishing with Covid, bit restless, but not gambling so that's got to be a good thing.

Iv'e got red eye, which I think is one of the symptoms, also am hearing the "hum" the electrical hum. Some people hear it and some don't. I hear it but its got worse since covid, so ive emailed the council to come out. I will probably feel a fool cos the person will no doubt not hear it. I just want to know whats the cause of it. We shall see.

Thanks for listening

Life is just a bit weird at the moment. The covid positive status continues, but the hardest part is the staying in and not doing very much. I like being out and about. I am now putting on weight. I started going for walks yesterday... heavenly. Am desparate for a swim and a sauna, but will continue to do the right thing until the red line of covid finally goes.

Work texting me every day to see if am still positive. Am doing a shift Friday. Work says I will be fine by then. They know best lol

Thanks for listening

Good Morning SA,

I have been reading your posts but couldn’t reply for some reason. I don’t know if there was a problem with the site or just my phone.

Anyway, I’ve felt your pain from afar. The boredom of isolation, the weight gain, the wanting of escape. Been there done that. It is awful. Don’t mind being off when legitimately ill but being off with slight symptoms of Covid is excruciatingly frustrating.

Hopefully, you’re well and back out and about.

Take care.

RR

Hi RR... your post has arrived and yes I agree Covid is just deeply frustrating now. Looking back I hardly had any symptoms at all, whilst expecting to feel quite ill, but never did. I felt much more unwell when I had Norovirus, which almost turned into a cry for help via 999.

Having said all of this I know a number of elderly people, who have respiratory problems etc that have and are still struggling with Covid... so its not completely over just yet. The reality now is that the number of people whom haven't had it at all is getting smaller and smaller. heard immune is perhaps on its way which i think is what Boris wamted to do all along. China's zero covid policy is just rediculous in my opinion.

Anyway back to me. I just been for a run... 8.5 miles. I struggled but enjoyed if you get my drift. Am not losing weight which is my main problem, belly fat wobbles. My days of running between 8 and 9 minute miles are over (for now), its currently between 10 and 11 minute miles.

I don't buy sugar anymore. I think over time that will help. No sugar in hot drinks. No added sugar on the cereal. Being 15 stone is no good if you want to run a marathon. Am gonna keep working at it. 

I been watching these videos on Youtube, about first time marathon runners...videoing their training building up to the big day. Awesome to watch and admire. Reminds me of when i was more focussed, up at 5 to run before work and the long 18 mile training runs. Looking to get my mojo back. the sub- four marathon is still a possibility even in ones 50's.

Am doing ok on the not gambling front, though ive been put in a position where I have bailed my friend out. I know him from rehab and his currently pre-dicament is caused by gambling, though his story is complicated. he arrived with his court papers in hand as if to prove that he is in the proverbial s**t. I know that the recovery manual says that you should never bail a gambler out, but hey I have. It caused a little frustration with my sisters cos I had to ring to get some money transferred to me to transfer to him. To be honest I am reasonably confident that over the next few months he will pay me back. I know him well but of course I am realistic as well. Its hundreds rather than thousands. It is very hard to say no when somebody comes to you in a pre-dicament. I can now appreciate how it must feel for those affected by others gambling.

Iv'e had a pretty Russian lady from Tinder bombarding with emails. She said she lived in Leicester but later admitted that she still lives in Russia... desparate to get away from Putin no doubt. I don't blame her. I says you need a wealthy English gent with a nice house in the countryside. I said I live in a small flat. At which point all contact stopped. lol I hope she finds what she is looking for.

I am back doing the odd shift at work. They always want me to do more of course. Its nice to work part-time. Am determined to make my dads money last for a good period of time. Its nice not to be under pressure all the time. I intend to make this summer a good summer where i concentrate on ME rather than everybody and everything else.

Thanks for listening

Hey SA!

My apologies  but your comment about Russian lady made me giggle and spat my coffee out! Thanks for that lol...I am surprised  she did not jump for the opportunity  to take over your flat tho ..lol...as always admire your honesty and quirky character  you have!  Why oh why they don't catch up on that! It's priceless what you have as a personality! Anyhow...just be careful  I guess, some people  on those sites has twisted goals in their plans...so just be cautious...

I nod to your share regarding  runs. I slowed down big time and long forgot about marathons  as I struggle  with my 5k's recently.  Back down to 5min 5 secs a k...booo indeed! (Used to be 4min 47secs). Dodgy knee keeps "popping" and reminding  me that my athletic  days are almost over...gotta accept the facts/reality. Upper body still holds strong and I keep on pressing and pulling in that department lol...until that starts cracking too ?

Regarding  work...something  happened over the past few days as I get messages from every direction  and even my colleagues  are checking  in off work hours! I have a sneeky feeling that top bosses trigger plan triggered chain below...my chat with my first line boss yesterday  may off added to the chaos a bit but I am always honest and say how it is...not always pretty as you well know.

I'm glad you're back in some sort of routine with work too..its good to have routine (not if it's all over the place tho...so be careful  what you wish for lol).

Hear ya about lending  money too. Sis keeps q this month and I don't offer either. Not expecting  anything  back anytime soon as I feel her frustration  hearing me buying  things for the house. Wish she was happy for me seeing  that I'm trying  to put myself first but can tell she is jealous about it and desperately  tries to guilt trip me by crying  about her lack of financial  stability.  I'm staying  strong tho...my sweat/tears/injuries/mental suffering  and hard work I put in...deserves a treat for myself! 

There comes the time where we simply  have to say no...enough,  the well cannot produce money constantly. 

Hope you're having  a good start of the day, keep up good work re NO gambling  department ??

XX

I've been for another run this morning. Just logging this fact for posterity 🙂

Hi.. only just seen your message. I think i'd squeezed in another post before the moderators had passed your post. Are you in the naughty corner for life? To be honest I quite enjoy reading your posts when you get a bit stroppy 😉 x

No contact from Russian lady. I might email her in 6 months to see if she found her rich accountant and now living in a nice house in the country.

Must admit a 5 min a km doesn't really mean anything to me. I work in miles. I guess if 1km is 0.62 miles then you'd run a mile in two fifths more which would be just over 7 minutes a mile... which is pretty f*****g awesome to me! 😉

ooooo.... Iv'e just been on my garmin dash board thing. I clicked on personal records.

My fastest 1 km was 4 mins 22 done on Feb 22 2015

My fastest 1 mile was 7 min 15 done on march 30th 2014 (as part of a half-marathon!)

I couldn't do anything like those times now. Your time is good and quick. Your fit as a fiddle

As far as work goes. Say it as it is. Always the best policy I think. If they don't know what the reality is then nothing will change. Iv'e got 3 days work coming up. Boooo.

Does your sister work? It does sound like she is quite jealous of you. But like you say, its you who put the hard work and effort in to get to where you are.. so it is you whom should reap the benefits.

My mate still has to go to court. I rather think he only told me half the story, which doesn't surprise me to be honest. I really hope he doesn't get evicted. I don't think he will. I will find out mid-may I reckon as to whether I will see any of my money again. Am back to spending cautiously and wisely (ie no gambling), am determined to make my dads money last for a good time. It remains a good thing that my sisters look after it...being accountable for what i ask for does help. If it was all sitting in my account... temptation all the time. Not good.

Anyhow enough ramblings for now

Thanks for listening

Haha SA,

I am indeed a fellon  for life ?

Hope your day at work is going  well. I have a breather as refused the temptation of OT. Time with lil girl is becoming  increasingly  precious....for obvs reasons....

Yup, runs works out pretty much as your calculations....I am glad to report  I M progressing  a bit ?

Sister....she works full time. Maybe nothing  fancy but work is work. She announced  she is jetting off to Spain next month which left me a bit shocked...ohh..and another  holiday  abroad  a month after...I was like "hands in the air"...how? How can you manage? ISA and stuff...and yet holiday???? 

I just have no words really but I guess, some ppl try to hold on onto their lifestyle  no matter what...cuddos for her...

I shall work and do nothing  with my time off...why? Cause I have a bit of debt to pay off huh... the one I created  and in fact...lend half of it to her...just go figure this CG huh...

At the end of the day....I always said it and knew it deep down...all this is not about  gambling..its an emotional  state...my sis is a proof of that...its just the things we make ourselves  feel better with...no matter what price...

Love her to bits...

Rant over, sozz SA for dumping  this on your thread