Hope

Hi SA,

Ive not heard from you in weeks. How are things going with work and life in general?

I hope all is ok. I hope you post soon and let us know that all is well.

RR

Hi All,

Sorry for no posts. Me not having a computer has meant that have lost the habit of coming here. Whilst I can post from my phone the screen is small and it just takes me ages and usually I want to write a fair bit and frankly I haven't got the patience. Am in the library typing this and looking to get another computer this month so i can get back to more regular posting which seems to help me.

I have slipped since my last post at the start of June but quickly got on to the national self-exclusion line and got myself excluded from even more bookies. That was a few weeks ago and am now back on the straight and narrow. A blip nothing more.

Regards to all who read this. Thinking about the regulars.

S.A x

Stay strong mate. I think me and you will spend the rest of our life’s relapsing. Nice to see you posting 

Hey man,

Just checking in to see how you're getting on.

Hope you're navigating your days safely & stress free. Stay hydrated!!

Xx

In the library.

Well its been a good few weeks since I updated. It hasn't been great to be honest, but not a disaster either. I have gambled a bit. I go two or three weeks and then have an episode. Boro maybe right. maybe its unrealistic for me to stay stopped permanently. Sometimes I just succumb to the urge to the need to gamble. There is always something of a build up and then I just have to do it, although I know that it is bad for me. I haven't gone off the rails but did get stung by one of these unregulated foreign casino's, who simply decided not to pay me out after a win and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. This is the downside of signing up to Gamstop, it means that if you do succumb to the urge you end up gambling on unregulated or foreign regulated and potentially criminal sites. Don't do it folks!! Having said that I haven't gambled for a while and I will try to overcome the urge when it next comes alone, which its sure to do.

Aside from my on-going addictive behaviour I was doing lots of running until I got injured, firstly an achillies problem which is slowly healing and secondly sciatic pain which hasnt. Am waiting for an appointment with a sports injury clinic. I think I was jogging in the wrong sort of trainers. The man in the shop said that i am a neutral runner after doing one of those filming things but with the benefit of hindsight I don't think I am. I need a more supportive trainer for over-pronaters (like what I use to jog in). Also the fact that am a fairly heavy runner. So thats what i will do when am healed up... fingers crossed.

Work continues,,, it pays the bills. 

Thanks for listening. Time nearly up on this puter. Am generally ok in myself.

Take care all... thoughts are with those that know me.... you know who you are xxx

Good to read an update. I understand the limited internet access you have, I just miss reading your posts, on a selfish level.

Always good to know someone is safe, as well.

Cheers,

f x

You been quiet for a while you ok? 

Hi all,

Yes it's been a good few months since I last posted. I kind of said to myself that I won't post again until I had something significant to say and to be honest I still haven't. Like the security man that sits in a security hut on the night shift... nothing really happens 99% of the time.

Have I gambled? Well yes from time to time. Why?.... Well it's as if my need for instant gratification sometimes outweighs my need not to. I continue to live the life of a compulsive gambler and part of me has just kind of come to terms with that with a slight shrug of the shoulders. I no longer think it is realistic for me to never gamble again. It is what it is..... I know "one day at a time".

Am I completely out of control? No, but I accept that I have the usual delusions, self-deception and denial of any compulsive gambler.

How's work?.... Well I continue to work in a low pay, high stress job, where people just walk out, cos they can. I cope but I think about what else I could do. Am aware that I have perhaps 16 more years of work, if I end up retiring at 67.

Hows the running?.... Well iv'e just started back after months of heel pain. Am looking forward to increasing my fitness again and losing some weight and doing some half marathons once more. This may help decrease my gambling episodes.

Any thing else to say? Well I am happy to be alive, despite those days where all i can seemingly do, is lie in the foetal position and wonder what the purpose of my life really is. I am kind to people and they seem to appreciate that but I still struggle to be kind to myself. It is an enigma.... 

Have a good day everyone!

@s-687 hi SA, it's good to read an update.

Hi All,

Well am back on the no gambling at all mantra. My occasional forays into the world of controlled gambling do of course always end in financial loss and personal misery..... so yes am back on song. It continues to be hard though. The dopamine craving. The need for instant gratification. The anticipation of gambling can and has always been intoxicating for me and is hard to let go of, even after all these years of trying. I have many blocks but I can get round them if I really want to, but as they "just for today" I chose not to do that.

Ive been for a run today and yesterday. About 12.5 miles in total. Am worn out but very pleased that am back at it. Heel injury is still present but am able to run with minimal pain. It tends to be afterwards that the pain comes. I have a half marathon coming up. First event since September. I no longer chase times. Just to complete it will be an achievement. Running in your 50's and beyond is a whole different ball game to running in your twenties.

Work is meh... doing a minimum wage job in social care is just stress and mental tiredness and dehydration from going into overly warm flats.  The late shift is the worst, lots of demands from different directions, lots of vulnerable needy people and colleagues who may or may not be able to show support. Sometimes the job is enjoyable but mostly it drains me.... my garmin watch sometimes thinks iv'e done a work out and gives me some points.

So there we go folks. That's an update.

Thanks for listening

Hi World,

Well it's been more than 3 months since I last posted. 

Am still a work in progress on the not gambling front, cos I still do it from time to time, zone out to the slots particularly after an emotionally draining day at work. I have lots of barriers but I always find my way around them if I really want to... which occasionally I do. At present I feel ok and can get bat away the thoughts.

Am still jogging but the ankle pain I developed last year has not completely gone. I've watched all sorts of video's online that suggest all sorts of diagnosis and therapies and exercises but nothing seems to work completely. Stretching out the calf muscles seems to help the most. Am gonna try a half marathon next week. Just to finish will be an achievement.

Am swimming a lot nowadays anything from 20 to 50 lengths per session and lots of sauna and jaccuzzi.

One small achievement is that I've finally managed to give up added sugar. I simply don't buy those 1kg bags of sugar anymore. So I have no sugar in my flat, so no sugar in hot drinks and no sugar sprinkled on anything. Am just beginning to notice the difference. I've lost 2 or 3 pounds I have, hopefully more to come.

Work is ok. I become less concerned with how others behave. I become less concerned with what my colleagues do or don't do. I become less concerned with what they may think of me or not think of me. I simply go to work and do my best for the people that we care for and then go home. The hardest part is actually the heat. Its so warm in the flats and corridors. I absolutely drip in sweat constantly. I think am going through the "manopause" 😉 We were issued with official Tunics (I looked like a dentist) but I couldn't work in them in the heat, so am allowed to work in a plain sports top... thank goodness!

I am grateful to be alive.

I am grateful to have my physical health.

I am grateful to have a secure roof over my head.

I am grateful that I can walk past those 1kg bags of sugar and not put one in my basket. 🙂

Thanks for listening.

love to all xxx

Hi SA,

Just wanted to say it's good to read that you are safe and working at your recovery best you can. I can relate. For me, focusing on progress rather than absolute perfection works better, also. Hope this isn't misinterpreting the gist of your update, if so, I apologise.

I feel like I detect a bit more self-acceptance and comfort with doing one's best, though. Nice one.

f x

Good to hear from you Freda and thanks 🙂

Am not in a good place today. A friend or should I say accquaintence of mine has f****d off with my money. After months of him sending me information of his great investments with fantastic returns, I sent him some money to invest for me. Of course the inevitable has happened, he's just taken my money and f****d off. Ive known him for years, but I guess you never really know someone. Is money the root of all evil?

No gambling

Thanks for listrening

Oh, no! that's really upsetting!

I hope it at least wasn't everything you have.

I know you sometimes flirt with metaphysical thinking, SA. It may not be of a lot of comfort - some people believe that if we are not letting our negative emotion out, we may have the universe kind of send things to try and force it out of us. I used to really struggle accepting my anger. It would seem like annoying/wind up/mean  people just flocked to me. It has started happening again. I realise I need to find an outlet for my anger again. You use so much self-control and patience. You manage not to react, in the face of so much frustration and disrespect from people around you. I reckon this is a totally valid time to just be angry as all h*ll. 

It's awful that someone has chosen to disrespect you this way - can you use it at least as an opportunity to vent anything pent up and bubbling inside? I guess it would previously come out via a gambling binge. Can you find another way of channeling it this time? Going into the woods and just screaming at the sky? I believe there are even "rage rooms" you can hire these days. Sorry if this is not helpful or welcome. Written with good heartedness.

Gan radge (in a way that doesn't hurt you)

f x

Yes Freda I hear what you say. Anger is a strange one and like most of my emotions I haven't got a f*****g clue how to deal with them. Isolation and festering and ruminating and pacing about and sending angry text messages that i've got no idea whether he's actually reading or not.

I've tried my best just to rise above it and accept things as they are and even forgive and forget.... "o well never mind its only money... he must be in a bad place" type thinking...... but no am angry as f**k! I just want to shove the f****r up against the wall and..... and... and...

Having said that, in reality, even if I did come across him I wouldn't do anything violent, cos that's just not my character and mentality. Am not a street fighter, or a gangster, or an enforcer or a wide boy or a street wise, head strong mans man. Am just average f*****g Joe, trying to get buy and be decent to folk.

Iv'e lost my faith in humanity. People who take advantage of my good nature should be shoved on an Island and pushed off into the north atlantic where they can all be C***s together.

There we go.... my cathartic rage continues...