Hope

Hi Julie

Thanks for your post. I wanted to clarify something.... Urges can strike anywhere, anytime for me- - I guess what I mean by "impulse" is that i will be where machines are - and not bothered with them UNTIL....... I get this "bright idea".... urrrgghhh. So I need a kinda dumb reason not to succumb - thinking through consequences doesn't happen in those moments -it's just a mental roadblock to get me through the "moment". I stayed bet free for a while but I didn't go out - it wan't good for me - so I'm trying to learn to be where the temptation is, so i can see my friends & have some fun. The goal is just a way to try and stop myself having that first bet. haven't read all your diary yet -but the little i read - i relate a lot. glad you are here.

Love,

Kerrie

Hi Kerrie,

I hear your thoughts. Can relate to what you say. The last time I gambled 25th May this year I got a serious bout of tunnel vision and it came upon me very quickly. All that mattered was to gamble. Such was the excitment of the anticipation of gambling after having not gambled for 3 years and more.. I was not, in that moment able to play the tape forward and remind myself of the consequences..not just of the bank account going into free fall but also of how it would make me feel.

I think at these times its to have some sort of instinctual thought that kicks in. A friend of mine also a CG makes the point clearly.. he says its "a question of survival"... to NOT gamble to survive.. or to gamble and to perish. These thoughts sticks in my mind and I hope that I can bring them into conciousness when it matters.

Today has been a good day. I managed 8.14 km's in 45 minutes on the tread mill.. a record for me.. I am pleased 🙂 I also feel fairly settled and chilled out in myself. Regards to all who read this... SA

Hi SA

Read thru your diary and discovered - you are NOT Julie! Sorry 'bout that! lol.

Are you in Oz? If so, Griffith Uni in QLD is doing a study re: online service delivery for cgs. I've signed up... i will know in about a month what type of service they will offer (either online CBT or therapist support), but it's only available to Oz residents. If you are interested, the link is: http://www.improvingtheodds.com.au

Worth a look, anyway.

Cheers,

Kerrie

Hi SA

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit....had to retreat myself for a bit as I have had a few bad days. Just caught up with your diary....you sound good. I hope you enjoy your annual leave and are able to get some much needed relaxation and peace. Thanks for the comment on my diary. Stay strong and I will be thinking of you.

Hugs,

Julie

Another day comes to a close gambling free.

Kerrie..no worries re thinking I was Julie ..got me smiling if truth be known... :-)something am told i need to do more of. Is good to smile. As for my true identity well I chose to maintain a level of anonymity..much the same as in gamblers anonymous.

Julie... thank you for your thoughts. I can trully relate to the "retreating into myself" thought. I guess in part its a reaction to stress but I think also as a way to gather ones thoughts. perhaps you are a little like me in some ways..quite self-contained which has both positive and negative sides to it I think. I for one tend to get trapped in my thoughts sometimes..problems and issues swirling around my headspace without an outlet...which is of course not good for my addiction..in the past it would have come out sideways as gambling. I think this is part of the value of writing as it gives an outlet to stuff that may other wise not have an outlet. Like wise Julie stay strong i will be thinking of you to.

My day has been positive but am aware that my mood has dropped. I think this is because I havent really spoken to anyone face to face bar those cursory chats with till operators and a brief exchange of words with someone when sitting in the sauna. I chatted online and emailed but their is nothing quite like being with people in a physical sense and having a chat and a laugh. This weekend i have not done that which is fine but am always aware that if I allow this to go on for a longer period of time which i have in the past... then my gambling head starts to talk to me instead. I am a social creature at the end of the day and i need to keep reminding myself of that. Tomorrow I am meeting a friend in person which is good.

Today I bought some clothes and a pair of shoes..this is a good thing for me and my recovery. When gambling I never bought

clothes or things for myself generally..all money became gambling money. This evening I went for a swim and a sauna which i always enjoy. Regards to all who read this.

My last bet of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Another day has passed gambling free..its not especially been the best of days though. The friend I was going to meet for coffee cancelled..which was fair enough..but was left feeling a little aimless and not knowing what to do with myself.. I could feel my mood dropping.

I struggled today to motivate myself to do positive things. I meant to start surfing the web looking for new jobs but never really got started. Must admit that at one point I did have this vaguest of feelings that a little secret gamble wouldnt do any harm. It was easy to dismiss but the fact that i had it at all is telling me something. Anyway since I have started this journal I have not gambled..so well done to me.

My last bet of any kind was on Sunday 25th of May this year.

Another day has passed gambling free. I have been to a GA meeting this evening..my first in a very long time. Is good to be back their..helps me to reinvigorate my recovery. Am reminded of some of the things that i need to keep working on which include being social and to keep working on my social life. I drift into isolating myself far to easilly. Having said this the meeting also reminded me of how far i have come from the times when I could scarcly go more than a couple of days without gambling. I am ok...much progress made

Regards to all who read this... S.A

Not feeling well today... depressed... I guess its the beer I drank last night.. only had three but that seems to have been enough to put be on a real downer. I haven't been out my flat today..which is very unusual for me.

No gambling though thats the main thing.

HI

Well done on your last gamble on the 25th may..You are doing very well..some days are better then others but keep posting and we will get though it..

All the best and good luck..

Karl

Thanks for your thoughts Karl.

Today has been a good day.. no gambling and also the alcohol melancholly of yesterday has lifted. I feel much more positive today and have done positive things...gym,swim,reading,writing,relaxation...eating healthilly. In an ideal world I think that i should not drink at all..it has such a profound effect upon me.

It gets me thinking why I still from time to time indulge in self-destructive behaviours. Food as well..the late night jam sandwiches.. i know its not good.. i know that with a stomach full of food I will struggle to get to sleep and all the knock on effects of that and yet I still do it. No doubt low-selfesteem has its part to play..something I have struggled with all my adult life.

My thinking is this.. my gambling as a reaction to low-selfesteem absolutely destroyed my sense of self..what self-esteem i did have went through the floor when I stumbled across gambling. I could hardly look anyone in the eye as I felt so ashamed and guilty. However one positive consequnce of the hell that i put myself through was that i was forced to start taking a look at myself and my behaviour. It has been a long and slow process and its on-going of course and no doubt there is still much that i do not see or understand about myself..for me its a life times journey of self-discovery. I am learning to be patient.

For the most part I am able to manage urges or vague thoughts of gambling without acting upon them. But changing my other behaviours and other character defects is something that i am also very much committed to..hence myself talking about beer and food..other things that i use to comfort myself. Am not sure where i am going with this I am rambling a bit today.. but thats ok.. thats what diaries are all about. regards to all who read this..S.A 🙂

Well I remain gambling free..taking life each day as it comes as always.

Slightly surprisingly I feel on good form today despite having had a few beers and a late night last night.

I was chatting with old friend of mine and the topic of the lottery cropped up. He also has issues with gambling but chooses to continue doing the lottery..fair play to him. It got me thinking though, the chat we had..because at that moment in time I couldn't quite remember why i dont do the lottery. My brain couldn't quite find the answers. It didn't matter because i wasn't about to go off and buy a lottery ticket or anything but i thought it might help me today here in my diary to remind myself of why i dont play the lottery. My reasons are..in no particular order..

1. I would not be able to spend just one pound on a lottery ticket once a week..sooner of later I would be buying tickets for the mid-week draw for other lottery games and then also scratch cards and before i would know it..i'd be spending ВЈ20 a week..thats over £1000's a year..frightening!

2. If I won a small amount of money..i'd want more..so if i won £10's the likelyhood is that i would then buy ten more lottery tickets and/or scratch cards

3. A small or medium sized win would likely trigger me to other forms of gambling..i'd see the win as extra play money..then once the emotional rollercoaster has set in..i'd be doomed. I have experinced this before where a small win on a scratch card led me to putting hundreds into machines..ultimately it all goes.

4. I would plan my time around watching the draws on tele and id spend time thinking about when the numbers were to be drawn and what they might be.. i'd spend time looking at previous weeks numbers thinking that somehow I could pre-dict what was due to come up... even though my logical mind knows that its all random. I would waste my time thinking about the gamble.

5. Gambling does not make me happy..its just a very temporary euphoria. I red sometime back in some research on lottery winners. There conclusion was that jackpot winners return to their previous levels of happiness within a few months of the win. I accept in myself that winning money does not lead to long term happiness. My happiness can only come from within.

Anyway all for now..if anyone else has thoughts on the lottery etc then your most welcome to say. Regards to all who read this.

Hi SA

Just been reading your diary and think you are doing great , Keep up the good fight,

Hugs Teresa

Thanks Teresa..as you say I shall keep up the good fight.

I am however feeling rotten this evening..depressed..have just eaten half a loaf of bread and marmalade..a comfort thing I spose

Anyway no gambling so thats good. Taking life one day at a time as always.

Last bet of any kind was on Sunday 25th May this year

Hi Starting Again

Sorry to hear you are feeling rotton , comfort eating is a tad better than gambling in my book, but only if you dont feel guilty afterwards, Stay strong, We are all on your side

You are still gamble free and thats what really matters at the moment

Cut yourself some slack, you deserve it

Hugs Teresa

Thanks Teresa,

Moods they change..mine have changed again..am feeling upbeat and positive at this moment in time. I think yesterdays depressive state was due to going back to work after a week off. As ive often said in this journal I have felt very unsettled at work recently and this continues..but I cope.. and have not yet reached the point where am just going to throw in the towel and walk... though I am looking around for other work.

I do not deal with my feelings very well.. I spend too much time in my own company dwelling on stuff..of course the gambling filled the void.. i do not fill the void with gambling anymore but my voids still exist.

I try to keep working on myself one day at a time. Regards to all who read this.