Hope

Hi Keith,

Thank you for your post. I am actually a man.. though perhaps not a man's man what ever that really means. Its interesting that reading my own diary I would probably have come to the same conclusion.

I choose to maintain a level of anonymity very much as someone attending gamblers anonymous may choose to do the same. I have a specific reason for this otherwise I would use my real name. Am generally quite an open person and becoming more open as recovery progresses and have no qualms about putting my life out their on the internet. However just to say that I am not playing any sort of game as to guess who I am.. but I choose to go by my username for now.

Today has been a good day..work went relatively well.. and feel relatively settled in myself. regards to all who read this..S.A 🙂

P.s No urges to gamble.. last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May 08

My apologies for the mistake, no offence intended. Glad to see you doing so well, long may it continue.

Best wishes,

Keith

No apologies needed and certainly no offence taken... all the best to you keith and thank you for taking time to read my ramblings 🙂

Another day passes gambling free. No urges or vague thoughts of gambling... though am not feeling too great today. A few beers consumed last night..not many..but it only takes a few with me to get me feeling really unsettled the following day...it has such a toxic effect on me. I want to step off my merry go round with beer. I am much happier without it and yet I still drink it. It no longer leads on to gambling like it use to do but it does me no good.

After lounging around for much of the day I did get down the gym.. 8.57km's in 50 minutes today..with hangover..pretty d**n good i thought.

I had a letter from my bank yesterday..it said sign at the bottom of the page..and you can upgrade your account to a full current account..and my first thought was hey I am back in the world of financial normalness... a current acccount and a debit card is not something ive been able to have for years..due to my gambling of course.

But when I thought more about it.. I decided to rip up the letter and bin it..cos you know what.. i dont want a current account... i dont want a debit card.. i dont want the possibility of an overdraft and i certainly dont want a credit card. I have a basic bank account and a pre-payment card (cant get into debt) for buying stuff over the internet etc. With the current lifestyle I lead I dont need my all these extras and i have no interest in being seduced by clever marketing and advertising to get financial products I simply dont need.

Of course back in the days when I was gambling everyday I would jump at the chance of new credit..increased overdraft..consolidation loan.. on it goes on it goes. Never agian will I allow myself to get into such a pickle and as long as i dont gamble.. I wont have the need to.

I think that one of the toughest things about gambling addiction..about my gambling addiction..is that one can go for long periods of time without gambling...struggle back to a manageable position financially..only to then empty ones bank account in a a few hours of gambling madness. That historically has been my experince anyway. This is why from now on I shall be ever vigilant..one day at a time is all I can do..no matter how long it has been since my last gamble.

However I tell you something else as well..its a nice feeling to be relatively financially ok. I have savings now..not alot..but enough to cope with any unforseen expenditure or loss of job or something. It also feels nice that when i want to I can go into an expensive food store and buy delicious but incredibly expensive food without having to worry if ive got enough..not every day... but a couple of times a week for sure.

And its nice that if i feel like buying a pair of trainers or a shirt or a jacket..i can just go and do that... and to think that i use to gamble to try and win money to buy stuff when in reality all i had to do was stop gambling. Regards to all who read this..S.A

My last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

No gambling and no urges to gamble.

Ive done a bit of cleaning, a bit of shopping, a bit of exercise, a bit of cooking and a bit of keeping in touch with friends and family..a steady day..nothing spectacular..but feeling well in myself.. emotionally stable..life is good.

Its sunday evening now and there's always a part of me that wants to say "another week at work looms" as if its going to be a dreadful week where everything will go belly up..but I am very much trying to be positive. I am and continue to take each day as it comes and not try to forcast into the future for what may or may not happen. I intend to enjoy the rest of sunday evening..and then work my way through Monday as it happens..and deal with problems when and if they occur. Regards to all who read this... S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on Sunday 25th of May this year... thats 12 weeks gambling free..well done to me.. 🙂

Ty for your words on my diary, i totaly agree with you on training and replacing some of the time there instead of playing. Im only Gamblefree for 2 weeks but i hope i will be it for the rest of my life.

Keep up the good works!

/ Stefan

Ps. Good speed on the treadmil with the hangover and all 🙂 Ds.

Starting again,

I'll second that on the well done for 12 weeks as any time spent away from gambling for a CG is an achievement.

First and foremost please accept my apologies that i have not posted on your diary sooner. I dont post to receive posts but i noticed sometime ago that you had posted twice on my diary 12&13 july (thank you) and i noted that with the intention of returning the compliment. In the last couple of weeks i have noticed myself posting less and less and the oibvious things have been popping into my mind ....complacency,procrastenation etc but the answer i came up with was to just get posting..... here goes....

I read that you have done a lit bit of a lot of positive things today which when we gambled was impossible. In fact it was the other way around in that we had a whole lot of time for gambling (that came first) and no time for everythingelse which came knowwhere.

What we'd give for a steady,relatively inexpensive,unspectacular,feeling well in yourself, life is good type of day when the ammunition had all but run out and the realisation was dawning of what another irresponsible aft/evening spent in the torture chamber really meant.

Freedom was always ours in that alls we had to do was to stop gambling but that fact that we couldnt stop gambling meant we didnt have a choice. Now that we are no longer on remote control i'm as happy as you are in that just fortoday we chose to remain free and not gamble.

You're right we spent some considerable time and money trying to predict the future and for us now it is about the remainder of today and tackling tomorrow when it comes. I too have issues with work (have been off nearly 4 months sick) and realise that they will have to be addressed sooner rather than later but i'm certainly better placed to deal with now than when was in the wilderness.

None of us ever has to have a bet again.

Best Wishes

John

Thanks for your thoughts Stefan and John..much appreciated..will comment more next time.

I feel full of anxiety this morning...bit stressed out.

Today I shall be unafraid.

Regards to all who read this.

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year

Well done Starting Again on going 12 weeks - all power to you. In a week or so you will have notched up 3 months and i am sure you've noticed the difference and improvements in your life. I am on 3 weeks today and while i am pleased to have hit that marker i am anxious to maintain my resolve - not getting the urges - but just want it done straightaway, if that makes sense. I suppose its the problem of the CG - we want an instant soluition to a problem that, in truth, takes time, effort and hard work.

Anyway, well done to you and keep it up.

Tiodaat

Hi Tiodaat,

Thank you for your thoughts and like wise well done on your gambling free time. I can relate to what you say..and yes recovery is I feel a lifetimes work but taking life just a day at a time. The journey can be enjoyed and it is true that bit by bit I am starting to feel more positive and to enjoy my journey after some very difficult weeks. I'd also say that urges to gamble are not a problem in themselves..inevitable i'd say..but its only acting upon them that causes the problem.

Today has been a good day..I have acheived what I set out to acheive. I have been to work and worked as best i could.. I have been for a swim.. and i have been to a GA meeting and I feel all the more better for it. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

I have a mouth ulcer this morning... i feel a bit tetchy lol ..but I will live 🙂

I remain gambling free and no urges to gamble at this time.

Taking life very much one day at a time as always.

Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Hi SA - thank you for your kind words - i think you're right about markers in that they are not most important thing and i am not going to get oo hung up about them. The most important thing is the resolve to not have that next bet - that is what i am going to concentrate my efforts on from now on.

May 25th was a long time ago - you have done extremely well and should be very pleased with yourself. Your reward - a mouth ulcer - yeah thanks! However, in all seriousness, every gamble free day without those terrible feelings is reward enough for me - and you i hope.

Keep it going SA - wishing you well.

Tiodaat

Hi Tiodaat,

Thanks for your thoughts..much appreciated 🙂

Am tired today so wont say alot... other than I continue to be gambling free and no urges to gamble. Regards to all who read this..S.A.. 🙂

Well done on the gamble free aspect of life since May. People like you help give me faith in my recovery.

All the best x

Its nice to read your comment their Studentboi.. thanks.. though am feeling crappy today..but gambling free of course. I have been feeling stressed on and off all week.. work related.. Now how many times have I said that in my diary..alot thats for sure. My emotional state is in flux. I seek solace this evening in my diary.. hopefully i can process my thoughts and calm myself so i can get some sleep.

I struggle so much with narcisistic personalities..people who if your having a conversation with them they interrupt you when you speak so that they can continue to talk about THEMSELVES or what THEY think about what your talking about.. at this point my habitual response is to either exit stage left or turn into a mute..cos i think well whats the point??.. I actually find it incredibly boring to listen to someone who is only capable of talking about themselves and shows no interest in the other person. A conversation is a two way process of talking and LISTENING is it not??

Some people I find so incredibly draining and just get this feeling of just being used as some sort of sponge for whats going on for them.

Anway ive had my whinge lol Goodnight 🙂