That was the last day that I gambled, 93 days ago now. I'm hoping that it will forever be the last day that I gambled, but through doing my Gamcare modules & from attending peer to peer sessions I realise that I can only control today, so why try & predict tomorrow.
I had previously abstained for two years only to fall back into bad habits from Nov 20 - Feb 21 during lockdown, irregularly at first, but soon enough the compulsive nature of my problem took control. I'm still not sure of the exact reason that I returned to gambling after so long, I think it was linked to feeling isolated and a little powerless over the situation that I was in. Also, I had never sought treatment the first time round & believed that I could stop by myself, I guess I had never fully accepted the extent of my problem & never knew just how it made me feel, so in a way a relapse was inevitable.
But as of the 18th February, something changed internally and I decided to tackle the problem head on. Starting with telling the person that I love most in the world that I had gambled again, I had kept the secret from her for months & broken a promise to her that I swore I would keep. The guilt & shame flooded through me when I told her, when I know I'm in the wrong or that I have done something to be ashamed of it takes control of me & I trembled through telling her everything. For days after that I barely slept or ate, we were living under the same roof, with no outlet because of the lockdown but I had never felt further apart from her in the four years that we had been together. That was the start of my recovery & it really did & still does hurt three months later.
Since then alot has changed in my life, some for the worse but the majority for the better. I've attend GamCare & completed the eight weeks of modules (speaking to a therapist each week), I reached out & joined an online GA group, I've begun the live chatrooms on GamCare & plan to attend a session a week/whenever I feel I need it, I moved to a new flat & I've sought help managing money with my family - all of these things I was scared to do, but had to force my fear aside & just try. The most important change that I have made in those three months is trying my best to be honest & open about not just gambling and my problem, but all emotions. So far I feel so much better about myself, positive about the steps I've taken to tackle my problem & optimistic that every morning that I wake up I can stop gambling for the day. As far as gambling is concerned, that is as far as I think now, it's all that I focus on. Tonight when I go to bed, it will be another day of success because I haven't gambled today & tomorrow when I wake up I'll repeat the process.
Dear GS28,
Thank you for much for sharing your inspiring words.
It sounds like you have been through an incredibly challenging time.
It is really great to hear how you're coping and to hear about your involvement with GamCare.
Thank you for being so open and honest.
We're always here for you.
Take care,
Caroline - Forum Admin
Day 100, even though I know that every day I add not gambling is a good thing for some unknown reason round number milestones still feel so good. My therapy said it's important to provide yourself with rewards as you go along, as something that adds to the sense of pride that I'm bettering my life & doing something that is good for me. Day 100 is something to celebrate & I'm going to reward myself by treating other people, thats what I get joy from & thats what I plan to do this weekend by paying for a meal with my friends.
In my 100 days gamble free I've become more social, I never realised it but I didn't talk to my friends enough. Gambling took my introverted ways & exaggerated them, I got more lonely, more isolated & more disconnected from the world. I'm incredibly thankful that I have good people around me who want the best for me & I am determined to make up for lost time.
In my 100 days gamble free my finances look better, I'm tracking my spend incredibly closely & getting help from my family to manage my money but I am already feeling the benefits. I'm lucky that I didn't get into debt this time around, but the memory is still fresh from two years ago, it made me feel even more helpless. Now I can spend the money I earn on things that benefit me, like spending time with friends or investing in an online course, I'm happy about that.
In my 100 days gamble free I've started to recognise opportunity, I've started to realise possibility about life & believe that I can control more of what happens to me in the future. I don't feel trapped, I don't feel under constant pressure, I've realised that I can start to shape the life that I want to lead and if i don't like something I have the power to change it. It's so different from how I've felt in the past, I've always just relinquished control and relied on others, but now, slowly, I'm starting to step up & stand up for myself.
All of this has come in just 100 days. I wanted to get this all down so that one day I can look back at just how far I've come. If I ever feel weak or ever feel like I want to gamble again, this post alone has the power to stop me. Why would I ever want to go back?
Day 107, today I walked past a betting shop & visualised what it would be like if I was in there - not from a desire to be in there, but just to think about how I'd be feeling & how I would have dealt with situations I've faced over the last few months if I was gambling.
I think I can break it down in two levels of emotion, the first is surface level - I would feel the initial thrill, excitement & compulsion that I got from gambling. It's the distraction from every day life, it's the thought of changing my life through winning. Then, as time passes as it inevitably would, I would start to feel transfixed, win or lose I would be playing, until ultimately I would feel the despair of losing.
Then the deeper level emotion, all the things that I would be repressing & not thinking about because of the escapism of gambling. My personal life has been tough over the last few weeks in particular, all of that emotion would be put on hold. All of the things that I want to be doing, like being there for my family and friends would be on the back seat whilst I was gambling. Then when I had lost, everything would flood back in one overwhelming hit, topped off by guilt, shame & the inevitable lies that I would have to tell to everyone I care about - building a barrier between us.
I walked past that bookies & felt happy that I haven't been gambling. I felt happy that I have been accepting & dealing with all of the deeper level emotions that have come at me in the last few months. I felt happy that I can be there for my family, that I can have a good time with my friends, that my mind isn't fogged with the worry, stress and anxiety that gambling has placed on my life for so long. Life is good when you're in control
Day 114, today marks the start of the Euros & I've been thinking back to what a major tournament or sporting event used to feel like to how it is feeling now.
I used to bet on sports, but it was casino games where my problem really spiraled out of control. That being said, when something big would arise in the calendar, a major tournament or a big game, I would tend to have something at stake.
Before a tournament I would tend to side with the underdog, but always did research & used some form of logic in my betting - whether it was someone obscure to qualify from a group or an outsider to win top goalscorer that I thought was undervalued. My bets always tended to be affordable & thought out.
But then as a tournament begun & the games came thick a fast, my mentality around gambling would change, the compulsive nature of my problem would rise to the forefront. I would be betting larger amounts on things I didn't research, I would bet on 'feeling' or in other words nothing at all. I would delve into the realms of chance & that would be a gateway into games of chance & stoking the fire of my problem gambling through online casinos.
I'm very aware of my problem now & I'm very aware that even one bet has the potential to send me back down this path. Now, I'm excited for the tournament just to watch the football, I don't need a bet to enjoy it, I can still support the underdogs without placing money on it.
Day 121, I’m incredibly thankful that I’ve found this outlet. It keeps me coming back to reflect & write about my experiences/thoughts/feelings even when I don’t or haven’t thought about gambling for a week (like the week just gone), but it is important to remind myself that it’s in there, just lying dormant waiting for my complacency to creep in.
I’m appreciating small things far more than I ever have done before. I realise that my gambling isolated me from the world, it condensed all of my focus & thoughts into winning or losing and shut out everything else. I’ve been trying to push myself a little to be a bit more social & do small things that before I would have avoided, incredibly simple and small things like going to a person in the supermarket instead of the self check out, going out of my way to meet people and saying yes even when it might not necessarily be what I want to do.
Small incremental change makes a big difference. Not gambling for a day at a time will add up to a year eventually - for me it’s just about having the patience
Day 128. This week I’ve had some low days. I’m feeling a little ill, a little sorry for myself & lacking self belief that I’m in complete control of my future. I’ve learnt now that those feelings tend to pass, before my response would instinctively have been to drop into escape mode aka gambling, but this week I’ve just ridden out. I’ve felt low. I’ve accepted I’m feeling low and now I’m coming out of the other side with my record of not gambling still intact & feeling better about myself.
The big thing that I’m trying to focus on at the minute is pulling out the positives of my situation. I could have let gambling have control over my life for far longer than I have done. I could be passive about my life, realise that I have this problem & yet do nothing about it. But I’m confronting it & that is a really good thing & something that I’m proud of.
Day 128. This week I’ve had some low days. I’m feeling a little ill, a little sorry for myself & lacking self belief that I’m in complete control of my future. I’ve learnt now that those feelings tend to pass, before my response would instinctively have been to drop into escape mode aka gambling, but this week I’ve just ridden out. I’ve felt low. I’ve accepted I’m feeling low and now I’m coming out of the other side with my record of not gambling still intact & feeling better about myself.
The big thing that I’m trying to focus on at the minute is pulling out the positives of my situation. I could have let gambling have control over my life for far longer than I have done. I could be passive about my life, realise that I have this problem & yet do nothing about it. But I’m confronting it & that is a really good thing & something that I’m proud of.
Hi, nice chatting with you earlier. Well done again on your 128 day, such an achievement. And also well done for staying focused and looking at the positives when you have been feeling low. You have every right to be proud of how you have handled your week ?
A great start, an enjoyable read, looking forward to more, all the best adam
Day 142. The weeks have been flying round & I’ve been living life without gambling or even thinking about gambling. It’s been great. England are in a final, I had some time off work & spent it with friends and family & I've been getting fully back into doing good things for myself - so there is nothing to be negative about.
I look back & it feels like a different person would sneak away to gamble, a different person would say no to do things in real life in favour of sitting at home, alone & on my phone. But it was me - I accept it & I use the memory to push forward, to be a better person & as fuel to never gamble again.
The benefits from not gambling are exhaustive, I can sleep now, I can focus on things, I’ve gained more patience & an appreciation for little things in life, I like to think I’m a little more considerate of others, far more social & all of that is just in the few months that I’ve stopped letting gambling get the best of me.
Stopping was tough, acceptance, ownership & admission of my problem was the hardest, but living this new & improved life, where I know I simply can’t gamble, is pretty good so far.
Day 182.
It’s been a while since my last post, I’ve still been writing every day in my personal journal. It’s shifted from almost exclusively gambling to more general life, I guess that shows just how far I’ve come & that gambling no longer plays as significant role in my decision making & life, but thought I should take some time to reflect on just where I was & where I have come from in the last half a year!
I haven’t gambled in 6 months. I’ve been spending my time focusing on bettering myself, being happy, pushing for more for myself & actually listening to what I want. Through doing that, I’ve re-realised just how important the people close to me are & recognised just how selfish my gambling habit made me & influenced my decisions. I’m making far more of an effort with my friends, family, myself & also other people in general - feeling more connected & just generally more positive which is a great feeling. It’s such a big contrast to my first few posts here & I take a lot of pride in that.
The last 6 months haven’t been plain sailing, I’ve been rocked at times, I’ve been low, there has been tears, guilt, shame, feelings of worthlessness, a loss of confidence, a continual questioning of who I am & who I want to be & why gambling had the hold on me that it did. To underestimate those feelings and to forget/push down those thoughts gives gambling a leg-up back into my life, so it’s good to remember the pain & hard times. It’s good to reflect on the brutality of my problem because it helps give me the strength to keep pushing forward. And that is exactly what I plan to do, keep pushing forward. I’m happy with where I’ve got to in 6 months, but I’m really looking forward to what I can achieve in the next 6 & the years after that.
Day 203
I was so absorbed in living my life that I didn’t realise I smashed through Day 200 gamble free. It only dawned on me as I was catching up on my journal that it is another big round milestone reached.
I read back on some of the first days of writing my journal to mark hitting a milestone & realised just how important it is for me to do that every now and again. It transports me back to the guy who was shivering on the sofa exposing a secret, the guy who couldn’t eat or sleep because of the guilt of lying for so long, the guy who was so irresponsible not just with money but with emotion - I’d hide against the world instead of tackling my problems.
It’s such a good reminder of what gambling does to me & it’s the perfect motivation to keep me away from gambling and to push me forward for positive change.
I’m still living by the measures that I put in place for myself 203 days ago when I first reached out for help. I have my support network intact, I talk to my friends & family about it regularly & I constantly am open and honest about money with my Ma. They’re all little & almost insignificant things, but they really are the building blocks to shift away from gambling that I have found most useful.
I’m content with my life, I’m working hard to keep on top of myself & I’m dedicated to never gambling again.
Day 219
Today I tried to think back to the last time I actually thought about gambling & I simply can’t remember when that was. Which is a really nice feeling.
In my most recent stint of my gambling it was always in my mind, most of the time I could push it to the back of it, enjoy my life, do whatever I wanted with my days but then whenever I was alone it would creep out to the forefront & take over me for a while. I say a while because I never really knew how long I was there for, time would freeze a little & I’d just be flicking between the deposit screen, to slots or roulette or a blackjack table & then back to the deposit screen in what seemed a never ending loop until finally something from the real world would snap me out of the haze.
One thing I did this week is told someone new about my problem. I honestly didn’t expect it to become easier to tell people, but it was. Whilst I’d told some of my family & my best friends from the outset I held back from some of my family just because we didn’t see each other as regularly, but I met up with one of my sisters & I told her that I have a gambling problem. We spoke through some of the details, not all, but some & I got that same feeling of weightlessness that I got when I told my friends, a feeling of acceptance & drawing a little closer. It felt good & I’m glad I told her
Day 226
Sometimes I get stuck in the past, my head reverts back to the damage I caused when I was gambling, it reverts back to telling people about my problem & I feel all the guilt/shame & I lose faith in myself. I think about the the people I hurt and it hurts me all over again. Every time I feel like this, I lose a little bit of the self confidence that I’ve worked very hard to re-build over the last 226 days.
In the past, I gambled because I felt low, I gambled because I wanted some excitement in my life & it really is useful knowing that, because if I didn’t I would almost certainly be gambling in moments when I think back to the peak of my gambling & the disregard I had for people I cared about.
But today was a little different, when I was thinking back I did something I had never done before. I realised that there is simply nothing I can do to change that past. Everything that I did, I will have always done & it is now completely out of my control. All I can do is take what I now know, learn from my mistakes & try to be the best person I can be. It took me 226 days to fully realise that whilst I’ll never be able to forget my past, the present & the future is all I can control and that is where my focus should be.
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