How did I feel day one in recovery

Hi

I use to wanted to escape in my  youth.

My recovery has taken me many years I am still getting there.

Living in guilt shame regret pain was unhealthy, 

I understand that each pain caused to me caused fears to grow in me that I did not understand.

Low self esteem started in my child hood years.

In the recovery program I was able to heal my pains.

I wanted to escape to gamble on new years day christmas day because of fears and the stress I caused myself.

I use to see lying ast the easy way out of having to face myself.

Me lying was a betrayal of people trust of me.

In the recovery program I was the only person I had to face and be honest with.

My lies and my fears led me to complete desperation.

Gambling was not a nonsense but was a complete self destruction.

It seemed an impossible task to find inner peace and relaxation

For me recovery is about healthy motivation, being complete honesty with in myself, learning to value respect and love myself, to write down my needs,  to write down my wants, to write down my goals.

To make daily lists of my needs my wanst and my goals and to cross each one off as I do them.

To ask myself each day was I productive.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi

For me the recovery program is about us healing our pains and living a much healthier life with others.

If we work our recovery in a healthy way our demon will be put to rest for the rest of our life.

For me forgiving is a healing process for our self.

Once we understand we were very unhealthy people who want to heal and become healthy and whole. 

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi

I am a non-religious person, yet I do embrace spiritual values.

It is nice to be in a good head space at the moment.

I have no intention of gambling just for today that is very healthy and powerful of us all.

Yes, understanding our emotional triggers is empowering to us.

How much do we value our self today.

The word meaning recovery to me means healing process.

Once we get honest with our self the door opens to another healthier life.

No more causing our self-pain fears frustration’s and feeling such a loner an out cast filled with guilt pain and regret.

Today I have out figure why I gamble?

This is very powerful of us all keep it up.

From a very early age gambling was a way of me running away in fear from myself and my family.

The higher the risks the bigger the buzz or the adrenaline rush.

By our sharing at deeper emotional levels, we get to understand our self and make alternative healthier choices in our life a day at a time.

No more self-abuse.

I was traumatized much before I was 8 years of age.

Very sad fact too much time wasted by unhealthy habits and not being able to heal my pains.

Yet for me every unhealthy habits exchanged into healthy habits was empowering to me.

Yes, very vicious cruel self-destructive cycle really, now I know see and feel those things I use to think was happiness was in fact were very unhealthy self-destructive days.

My conclusion also is that boredom was just one of my emotional triggers.

By being me being more productive and motivated in healthy ways I am able to make healthier choices in my everyday life.

For me keeping busy productive yet not obsessive is important for me today.

How much do I value myself today?

In time I got to know and understand that my addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Being in my recovery since 1969 I understand that I was a very slow learner.

I often thought that people’s advice was people trying to control me.

The day I walked into the recovery program I knew if someone had given me money just before my walking in to recovery I knew I would have gone back gambling.

In time I got to understand I had certain emotional triggers, pains I could not heal, fears I could not face and reduce, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of life people and situations, I was vulnerable when I was being a loner, and I used to be bored because I lacked motivation in doing things for healthy reasons.

For me in time I would understand that the recovery program was about healing and becoming a healthy person.

In time I went to meetings for selfish reasons, I went to meetings to listen to therapies and also give my own therapies.

In the therapies I got to see myself in other people, both the healthy and unhealthy.

I gave up talking war stories about money lost and being in action and got deeper into myself.

I feared being myself, I did not even know who I was.

In my therapies I would peel back the onion and expose that hurt inner child in me who never healed his pains and emotional traumas.

In time I would learn that I was not stupid evil bad or dumb I was just emotionally vulnerable.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my past, I so much wanted to heal my pains.

When asked a question I use to feel so threatened, I got to understand how inept inadequate insecure I was.

I got to understand that my physical age and my emotional age did not match up.

I got to understand that the pains trauma in my youth adversely affected my ability to learn to understand to doubt myself. 

My conscience is based up on spiritual values, as I get healthier, I am able to listen to my own conscience and no say or do things that hurt me or others.

The more therapies I was in to the more I understood myself.

In the recovery program healing my pains became easier and quicker.

In being the victim as a child due to all kinds of abuse I got to understand who people use to always pick on me, it was because I was so emotionally vulnerable.

So, to stop being the victim I needed to have a voice for myself which was based up on a place of peace.

Having a voice did not change other people, yet over time I found that people no longer tried to push my buttons.

To stop being a victim all I needed to speak up for myself.

I am a very selfish person today; I am at the meetings for myself.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK