How did I feel day one in recovery

Hi

What is spiritual recovery, being a non religious person, spiritual recovery means I am able to interact in healthy ways and no longer live in fear.

What is spiritual recovery, being able to live in today, it also means I no longer hurt myself or other people today.

What is spiritual recovery, being the healthiest person I can be today.

What was the process for me, in walking in to the recovery program I was emotionally traumatized, I feared being honest, I feared being seen in the recovery program, I feared facing myself and my feelings, I feared the postman, I feared the telephone, I feared strangers coming to the front door, I feared every day in front of me in my life.

What was the recovery process, as I attended more meetings my fears reduced, as I attended more meetings my trust grew, as I attended more meetings I was able to stop hurting myself and causing myself pains.

What was the recovery process, recovery was a healing process, I would not be able to heal if I was not willing or able to acknowledge my pains, I would not be able to reduce my fears if I was not willing or able to acknowledge my fears, I would not be able to reduce my frustrations if I was not willing to reduce my expectations of people life and situations.

What do I think success is today, success today is not about money, success today is about my ability to become more productive with my healthy feelings, my healthy actions, and my healthy words.

People cannot give me success, success is achieved my own actions and words towards myself and  towards other people, am I able to interact with all people, or do I react in unhealthy ways and cause stress up on myself.

Do I measure my the last date I went back to my addictions and obsessions, or do I measure how I feel with in myself today.

Every action has consequences, healthy actions and healthy words heave healthy  consequences, unhealthy actions and healthy words heave unhealthy consequences, by not changing with in myself, by not healing with in myself, I remain feeling the same way I walked in to the recovery program.

If I acknowledge my pains I can heal from them, if I acknowledge my fears I can reduce them, if I acknowledge my frustrations I can reduce them, if I acknowledge my inadequacies I can learn more about them, if I acknowledge my ignorance I can learn, if I acknowledge my emotional vulnerability I can learn what my emotional triggers are or were.

The gambling the addictions and the obsessions were just the symptoms I was emotional vulnerable, that did not mean I was a weak person, in fact by the time I walked in to the recovery program I was already a survivor, I just needed to heal and acknowledge the pains in me that were not healed.

What would be my trigger to find healthy living, what would help me to no longer be the victim, what would help me to no longer be the perpetrator, what would help me to no longer live in fear of today.

Who I was on day one walking in to the recovery program, is not who I am today, the time of healing my hurt inner child is my choice today, to stop being or feeling emotionally vulnerable was my choice each day I abstain from unhealthy habits.

At what point did my motives change to healthy motives each day, to no longer person please, to no longer try to impress people, to no longer live in fear, to no longer live in the past, but to learn from the past, to learn from each of my emotional triggers.

The recovery program for me is non religious, the recovery program works for any one who is willing to invest more time and more effort in to finding healthy living, one day at a time.

The recovery program is not a race, the recovery program is slow healing process, the recovery program is going to help people become the person they would like to be, the recovery program is going to help people feel they could achieve so much more with their life.

The recovery program is about healthy progress not perfection.

The healthy people in the recovery program would help me become more patient and tolerant with in myself.

The recovery program would help me see I had more potential in myself than I thought I had.

The recovery program would help me see myself in other people, both their unhealthy ways but more importantly their healthy ways.

The recovery program is very much like mountain climber,  by being interlinked with like minded healthy people I would find healthy paths in my life today by listening to other people learning curves in how they lived healthy safe lives today.

The recovery program helped me understand that my unhealthy risk taking put myself at risk as well as people close to me.

The money was just the fuel for my addiction and ways of me escaping people life and situations I could not  cope with.

By taking away the money did not take away the fears of people life and situations I felt with in myself.

By reducing the money I had up on my person each day helped me by not doing so much damage to myself and other people.

The lists of my fears I use to have reduced in numbers but also reduced in levels each day.

The lists of my fears was a consequence of pains caused up on me in my life journey.

The pains I caused myself and pains I caused other I would face and acknowledge in my slow learning curve.

Did I know what love was all bout walking in to the recovery program.

Did I know how to value myself each day, did I know how to celebrate in a healthy ways walking in to the recovery program.

Did I know how to respect myself more each day, did I know how to no longer beat myself up and to forgive myself.

Did I know how to set up healthy boundaries in healthy ways.

Was I able to give myself the conscious decision to no longer be the victim.

To help me understand that I am unable to change other people in my life today.

To help me understand that I am able to change my unhealthy reactions to other people in my life today.

I have the choice today to be productive in my actions and my words today.

I have the choice today to live in today and learn from it.

I am able to learn from the past but not live in it.

The recovery program helped me understand that my healthy actions and my healthy words impact me in so many ways yet also impacts people today close to me today.

The just today is living in the present moment.

The just today is healthy learning curve where I feel I am a part of today.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

Hi

It was important for to understand that there was no way I could change the past.

There was no way I could change the fact that I gave away my our money and only once I be at peace with that simple fact I would not be fighting myself or beating myself up and or living in the pains of my past.

I am suppose to learn from my past and no longer live in it.

The addictions and my obsessions were a form of escape.

I did not understand that when I walked in to the recovery program I was emotionally traumatized.

If I could not help myself how could the recovery program help me.

The money was only the fuel for my addiction.

The money was only the fuel for my escape.

The money was never going to heal me.

How selfish can I be in my recovery today.

How much time and effort am I willing to put in to my recovery today.

Am I willing to put more effort in to my recovery than I put in to my addictions and my obsessions.

Even when I am alone I am not alone.

At what point in my life would I stop talking about money or gambling.

Both money or gambling were not going to heal my hurt inner child.

At what point in my life would I stop hurting myself and stop hurting people that were close to me.

My addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse.

How could it be that I thought that I loved gambling and that I thought that I loved my obsessions.

Love for  me today is having a healthy interaction with a living creature or person.

It is not possible for me as a person to have a healthy interaction with with a material thing or money.

Did I not understand what love was.

The ideal situation is to be emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards my addictions and my obsessions.

Love and peace toe very one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckeham

Hi

What I did not know was that the day I walked in to the recovery program I was already a survivor.

Even though I could not help myself going back to my addictions and obsessions time and time again.

The healthy people in the recovery program would help me understand more about myself.

The healthy people in the recovery program would help me make healthier choices on a daily basis. 

The recovery program helped me heal my hurt inner child.

The reward for working my recovery program today is pride in oneself, is confidence in oneself, is humility in oneself, is to be no longer angry with in oneself, is to be patient and tolerant with in oneself, is to be more in oneself, is to be more caring about our self, is to be more respectful about our self.

Being a risk taker and an adrenaline J****E I found myself to be very volatile in my mood swings, I was like Mr Jackyl and Mr Hyde and over time I would understand such that volatile in my mood swings were very unhealthy and very much made my family members feel vulnerable when I was so volatile.

Who is to say what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

As I set boundaries and stand up for myself, I am no longer the victim, I am no wanting to control and regulate other people.

Being honest is healthy, yet we can be honest with out hurting other people or myself, a healthy nurturing honesty helps people change, a unhealthy bullying and manipulating and harmful criticism will hurt other people and our  relationship with other people.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations help me understand how unhealthy I was, that the pains of my past were not healed.

In the last week I procrastinated for some days, Shirley my wife recognized the fact but could she get me motivated to do some thing I needed to do, no that was my choice.

The more time and energy I put in to my recovery the faster the rewards would happen for me.

They use to say at the beginning of my recovery you only get out what you put in, what did that mean, the sooner I got honest with myself the sooner I could get motivated in myself, I found that being selfish was an important change I needed to make for myself, after all if I do not help myself I am unable to help other people.

Because of my recovery will think I am more than them, will the resent my recovery, will other people see them self in me, what could be achieved, how much more I could get from life and my relationships.

In order to have a healthy relationship with other people I needed to have a healthy relationship with myself.

Hence it was important for people to heal and resolve the past before they got involved in new close relationships with other people.

The rate of recovery was up to me, the sooner I gave up unhealthy habits, I gave up my addictions and obsessions and I got more involved with the healing processes, the sooner I would be happy and content with in myself.

How much time and effort am I worth today.

How motivated would I be and be willing to kick my a*s in to gear.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Some good advice Dave, thanks. You are so right when you highlight the need for working on recovery on a daily basis. With the rate of change being dependent upon the amount of effort put in. Like you say, we need to keep all of our addictions in check on the road to becoming a better person.

Hi

Only by admitting to our self that our addictions and obsessions are unhealthy and that we no longer want to hurt our self or other people.

The recovery program is not about right wrong good or bad, it was about exchanging unhealthy  habits in to healthy habits.

By understanding our addictions and obsessions are an unhealthy way to escape people life and situations I could not cope with on a daily basis.

It was important to learn and understand my emotional triggers.

Regards

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

I use to get so stressed out before during an after Christmas time.

One thing I was trying to do was to person please and impress people.

Then there was my unreasonable expectations of Christmas.

There was trying to buy gifts at Christmas to express my love, yet could not show it.

I remember one specific year at Christmas I decided to ask my son to entertain, to give out drinks, to let things moving.

This last week I mentioned that people think I am not as clever or skilled as they thought I was.

One big emotional trigger was dentist.

I had 3 fillings on my teeth today and even though there was a slight pinch during injection again I found myself less stressed out.

I use to say that people life and situations use to stress me out.

That was not true, my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations was fully my responsibility.

Serenity helps me understand that I could not change  any one in my life, how ever I can change my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

The recovery program helps us understand that my recovery was more than just abstaining from unhealthy habits.

Only once I abstain from hurting myself and other people could I start to heal my hurt inner child.

Each time I go back to my addiction or obsessions was a lesson I could learn from.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

In the earlier days I viewed money as a control issue.

I use to think I could trust myself with money but that was not true for me.

Only carrying around the bare essentials helped me to start valuing money.

To put value to money I worked out my hourly basic rate how much money I earned for one hour of work.

Each time I Gambled meant that I worked for two weeks and gave all that time and energy to a complete stranger while and my family went without.

During my time of being in action I did not know how to celebrate in healthy ways.

The simple fact was that every time I went and gambled I made things worse.

With filtered thinking I would only recall a previous win I had and the short time of feeling successful with my time.

Today I understand that money on its own was not going to help me feel successful in myself.

The instant reactions of feeling regret guilty or ashamed or even of feeling unworthy would need to change with in myself.

By working my recovery with a healthy like minded person would take time, to recognize when I feel emotionally vulnerable, what my emotional triggers were, to open up and talk about my emotional vulnerability, this opening up in therapy would help me see and feel myself in other people.

As I faced my emotional vulnerability I would be less likely to want to escape in my fears in my feelings of being inadequate and insecure.

The addictions were a way of me escaping, people life and situation I could not cope with.

As I got more and more in to my recovery I did not find that things got simpler, the truth was I was going to be tested more and more.

It is my unhealthy reaction to people life and situation which would change.

The recovery program would help me understand my feelings and my emotions, help me to heal my pains, help me to face my fears, help me to reduce my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. 

Over time I would no longer want or need to escape, I would become more focused on today.

I would write down my needs today, I would write down my wants today,I would write down my goals today.

A the meetings I found that I got more stimulated by other people therapies, there would be questions after the meetings, this kind of stimulus would help me get motivated in much healthier ways.

What were my feelings today, what were my feelings today, what were my unhealthy reactions today.

I am able to celebrate each day today, I am able to more productive most days without being obsessive.

I tend to focus more on things I can change and let go of things that I am unable to change.

In time I would be more patient and tolerant with myself.

In time I would be more encouraging and nurturing towards myself.

In order to love other people I needed to learn to be loving towards myself.

In order to respect other people I needed to learn to be more respectful towards myself.

In time I would heal more and more of that hurt inner child.

By abstaining from unhealthy habit I would learn to embrace much healthier habits.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham 

Hi

I use to feel so helpless and I had given up all faith and hope in myself.

In time by being in the recovery program I would understand that my addictions and my obsessions were a form of escape from people life and situations I could not with emotionally.

I felt that gambling controlled my life, that was not true.

That my gambling addiction was a form of escape which was fear based.

With each lie, with each deception I caused more pain to myself and more fears and felt I could not be honest to myself or other people.

When I read step one I read it that my life was unmanageable because of my addictions and my obsessions.

Being in the recovery program I found that my fears were a consequence of pains caused up on me long before my addictions and my obsessions came in to my life.

Being with like minded people who wanted to be come healthy and whole would require me to put more effort in to my recovery than I put in to my addictions and my obsessions.

That being in the meetings was important to my survival and would help me become healthy and reduce my fears.

Did I enjoy living in fear, did I enjoy causing myself and other pains.

I am not a religious person yet I do understand that my conscience was based up on spiritual values.

I did not know or understand that when I walked in to the recovery I was emotionally traumatized like a rat in a corner with no way out of my situations.

While I was consumed by my addictions and my obsessions I would escape people life and situations I could not cope with.

By handing over my finances was a big help to my recovery, the money was the fuel for my addiction, yet by taking away the money was not going to stop me from trying to escape in other ways.

Money was never going to solve my emotional vulnerability.

In time I would see myself as a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where healthy.

Just for today became my focus, just for today I will not gamble was a boundary I would set for myself each day, gambling became the very last thing I wanted to do.

 I got in to the habit of talking in more depth when I felt emotionally vulnerable.

Using the telephone was a healthy habit, no matter what was going on in my life, by me gambling would make things much worse and even more painful.

No one was going to stop me gambling that was going to be my healthy daily choice.

By going to the recovery program would reduce my fears as I got more and more honest.

I use to feel such aloner, I felt like I did not belong.

I use to feel so inadequate so insecure, I felt I could not trust other people or myself.

I could not trust myself with money, I did not know how to celebrate, I could not compliment myself, the feelings I had towards myself was that I was a complete waste of time and energy.

No matter when my last bet was it was important to go to meetings.

No matter if I had no money for collection go to meetings.

The simple fact I could not do a healthy recovery on my own, by seeing and hearing other people like myself I would identify what was a healthy habit and what was unhealthy habits.

The ideal situation is to be emotionally detached from all unhealthy habits.

When I first abstained from my addictions and my obsessions I wanted to escape in other ways, computer games, television, so by working my recovery I would no longer feel bored, I would no longer want to run away from myself and my life.

How much time and effort am I willing to put in to my recovery today.

Do I write down my needs each day, do I write down my wants each day, do I write down my goals each day.

I have not gambled in some time so why go to meetings, because I still want to procrastinate, in time I would find out that I lived with so many fears, by being in my recovery I would face my fears and in time my fears and my self doubts would reduce to very low levels.

The recovery program will not control my life, the recovery program will help me make healthier choices on a daily basis.

The recovery program helped me heal my hurt inner child.

The recovery program helped me reduce my fears, helped me make healthier choices in everyday situations.

The recovery program helped me become more productive, helped me to trust myself once more, it helped me it helped me reduce my anger, it helped me to be the best person I can be each day.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA dave of Beckenham.

Hi

When a person quoted that he was glad that he was a compulsive Gambler I thought he must be nuts.

Today I understand that the person understood that by being an addict he did not know how unhealthy he was.

That with out attending the recovery program he would never understood how unhealthy he was.

That the recovery program would help me become a healthier person each day.

That by me attending the recovery program I was able to abstain from many unhealthy habits, but only one at a time.

I did not know or understand that the recovery program would work for any person who was willing and able to invest much time and effort in to them self.

I would learn that the addictions and obsessions were a form of escape for em from people life and situations I did not think that I could cope with.

For me to understand that the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Could I admit to myself that walking in to the recovery program my fears were ten out of ten, that over time my fears would reduce to single figures.

As my fears reduced my trust grew, with reducing my fears I could be myself.

Was I a victim earlier in my life, yes for sure, yet int time I would become a perpetrator, I  would not only hurt myself but also hurt other people.

I use to be so over sensitive, I use to get so angry and resentful, I use to sulk like a child, by being angry and so resentful told me I was not healing my hurt inner child.

The healthier people in the recovery program would demonstrate to me that one could become a healthier person day by day but it had to be my own choice, my daily conscious decision.

To learn from my past yet to not live in it, to understand that on daily I would over come my fears and become more productive and more whole in myself.

By me being consumed by the addictions and my obsessions by living in my fears I would in spiritual decline.

The healthier people in the recovery program would help me make much healthier choices.

The beginning of my recovery and healing was all about abstaining, and only by abstaining could recovery start for me.

In time I would be emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards my addictions and my obsessions.

There is nothing special about me, I left school at fifteen years of age without any qualifications what so ever.

The assurance of my recovery today is based up on my healthy actions and my healthy words today.

I heard the same text time and time again, at what point did the penny drop, at what point did I understand what true recovery was all about.

There is an implication that pride is an unhealthy thing, that is not true, pride is a healthy reward I give myself each day because of my healthy actions and my healthy words today.

There is an implication that having an addiction or obsession is about right wrong good or bad, no being an addict just indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was.

By humbling myself to being equal to all people empowers me, it helps me understand that if we are truly all equals if one person can achieve or succeed any one can.

Sadly all the statistics indicated that the odds of me healing and becoming whole and healthy were very low.

Yet no matter how many times I went back to my addictions and obsessions was a lesson for me to learn from.

What were my last emotional triggers and how can I change my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations to healthy interactions.

The word dysfunctional was often commented on, being dysfunctional did I have the chance to learn how I could move from being an unhealthy dysfunctional person to becoming a fully healthy functional person, to no longer fear live in fear or ignorance,  to no longer give up on myself, to be able to communicate in healthy ways.

On a daily basis be able to articulate my feelings my emotions in a healthy way.

To talk things out when I felt emotionally vulnerable.

To no longer hide in my corner, to no longer hide in my bed, to no longer hide in my ignorance, to no longer hide in my fears, to no longer hide in my fears of emotional intimacy.

Why the reluctance to use the telephone list, did I not value myself, did I think I was not of taking other people time up.

So from very slow baby steps to having the confidence to face myself each day to face my fears, to face new challenges.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

My addictions and my obsessions were a form of escape.

I would escape people life and situations when I felt emotionally vulnerable.

Once consumed by addictions and my obsessions I did not matter.

I am a non religious person and questioned if I could have healthy recovery.

I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, I did not walk in to the recovery program for myself.

Only once I got selfish and took the recovery program seriously only then could I stop hurting and stop causing myself more and more pains.

The recovery program only works once you put a greater effort and time in to your recovery.

Sitting on my hands abstaining and nothing else I was only cheating myself.

The money was only the fuel for my addiction,  having money was would not reduce my fears, having money would not heal my hurt inner child.

I use to think and feel that the adrenaline rush during my gambling years was happiness, that life it self was boring.

Today my addictions have no attraction what so ever, for me today my gambling years was a complete waste of time and energy.

I use to be like the rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere.

The recovery program was not going to fix me, the recovery program was not going to make me stop, that was going to be my own choice.

The recovery program was not going to make me do any thing I did not want to do.

The recovery program was not going to help me understand how to become more healthy and whole within myself.

The recovery program was not going to help me understand my emotional triggers, and in some time I would make healthier choices in my life today.

Every action has consequences, every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences, every healthy action has healthy consequences.

Every healthy action has reinforced my conscience, every healthy action has increased the different levels of pride I feel in myself today.

Pride is the rewards of being a healthy person, pride reduces our feelings of guilt shame regret.

Who I was on day one of entering the recovery program is not who I am today.

By my admitting my ignorance to myself I could learn new skills.

By my admitting and facing my fears I could reduce my fears.

By my admitting to the pains of my past I could heal the pains of that hurt inner child in me.

Before my healthy recovery I would bury and suppress my feelings and my pains.

For me today recovery means healing, I could not heal those things in my life if I was not willing to admit to myself that they existed.

A healthy recovery was going to happen for me when I was willing to face myself.

The person I feared facing the most in the recovery program was myself.

Many people have questioned if I am a counsellor, I am not, I am able to move on from my past and be the healthiest person I can be today.

By being focused stable and motivated I am more productive today, I am to articulate my feelings and my emotions, when I feel emotionally vulnerable I am able to process my feelings in a much healthier way today.

By being in the recovery program a while I am less of a talker and more of a walker, it is not worth while to quote like a parrot text and stories, it was important to interact with like minded people and process things in a much healthier way.

There was one expression to fake it till you make it, for me this is a deception and a lie which is not healthy for me today.

I can be honest without hurting people today.

People will often find that meetings cause a stimulation where we have more questions than answers.

They refer to meetings after meetings, this open sharing often helps people explore more about their recovery.

Today I do not want to be self destructive towards myself or other people today.

The recovery program helps me become more motivated in every avenue of my life.

The recovery program helped me come out of myself and to face my emotional vulnerability a day at a time.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

The recovery program helped me understand that by me gambling simply made things in life life much worse.

The healthy people in the recovery program helped me see myself in them.

My addictions and obsessions were a from of escape in my fears of people life and situations I could not cope with.

Sadly I use to think that by gambling would improve my life, that was proven to be false so many times in my life.

I am a non religious person and if I can find a healthy life any one can.

I have been the victim of emotional abuse, I have been the victim of sexual abuse, I have been the victim of physical abuse, I have been the victim of abandonment issues, I have been the victim of rejection, I have been the victim of not being protected.

Even knowing how painful it was being the victim I have in time caused other people to suffer from my unhealthy actions and my unhealthy words.

When I walked in to the recovery program I did not know how traumatized I was.

I did not know how much fears restricted my life. 

I did not know how much fear of rejection I had, I did not know how much fear of emotional intimacy I had.  

In time I would identify my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

Only once I abstained from hurting myself and others through my addictions could the healing process even start.

I do know today that abstaining from my addictions and obsessions on its own was not healthy, I needed to fill my time with healthy habits.

I needed to use the telephone list when I felt vulnerable.

I needed to write down my daily needs, I needed to write down my daily wants, I needed to write down my daily goals.

It was important t not idolise people, to see all people as an equal to myself.

When talking to other people in the recovery program to understand that sharing was a two way street.

How selfish can I become in my recovery today.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

Expressions used in my recovery numbing out I was not allowing myself to heal I was burying my feelings and emotions.

Expressions used in my recovery was the buzz, the feelings of risk taking, living on my fears, yet not only just the addictions.

Expressions used in my recovery was dysfunctional, I was unable to interact in healthy ways and over come my fears of emotional intimacy.

Expressions used in my recovery was stressing out, I use to blame people life and situations to my unhealthy reactions.

Expressions used in my recovery was my emotional triggers, to my pains not healed, to my fears not faced, to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Expressions used in my recovery was my high and lows, I use to think and feel that the adrenaline rush was happiness.

Expressions used in my recovery was escaping, escaping responsibility, escaping being honest to myself, escaping emotional intimacy, escaping complimenting myself, escaping healthy interactions, escaping new people, escaping the postman, escaping facing myself, escaping loving myself.

Expressions used in my recovery was escaping in isolation, escaping being committed to myself, 

Expressions used in my recovery was escaping in isolation and loneliness, avoiding emotional intimacy, hiding behind my walls of fear I built to protect my hurt inner child.

I am for sure a non religious person, I use to think and feel that other people could get healed, other people could get successful, yet I did not feel that I could not feel successful because I had given up all faith and hope in myself.

Only once I admitted to myself that I was an equal, no matter when my last bet was, no matter how much I lied or stole, only once I admitted to myself that I was not evil bad right or wrong, I was simply emotional vulnerable, yet I use to hide how vulnerable I was, putting on my mask, putting on my facade.

Today is to to move on from my past, to learn from it yet not live in the past.

Today is about exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, to be productive.

All the time I stick with my recovery I am getting more from my life,  I am getting out of myself, I am getting more focus and drive in my life today.

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and my obsessions.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

Hi

I did not walk in to the recovery program for myself.

From day one in the recovery program I did not fully understand that I was escaping in my fears.

Only when I went to meetings for myself and became selfish bout my recovery would I have a chance of healing.

I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster going nowhere healthy.

Being an addict I was very vulnerable emotionally, I was very much living on the edge of my nerves.

How could I think that risk taking that losing on a regular basis was fun and exciting, I even though if I got my lost money back I would be happy.

Each time I betrayed myself and other people I was in spiritual decline, I would even justify going against my own conscience.

The spiritual recovery program is non religious to me.

I am a non religious person and have found that healing my pains today is much easier.

The spiritual recovery program was not going to stop me gambling, that was going to be my own choice.

The spiritual recovery program was not going to stop me lying, that was going to be my own choice.

The spiritual recovery program was not going to stop me giving up all faith and hope in myself, that was going to be my own choice.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program would help me get over testing times, they would help me understand when I am emotionally vulnerable and how to process my life in much healthier ways.

The spiritual recovery program is much like a mountain climbing training ground in how to deal with risky situations and how to get through life in the healthiest safest way possible. 

I walked in to in the spiritual recovery program very much emotionally traumatized in so many ways.

I did not know how to heal my pains, I did not know how to face my fears, I did not know how to reduce my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I did not know how to reduce my fears of emotional intimacy, I did not know how to over come my feelings of boredom. 

As I started to open up more and more and give therapies my fears would reduce, my fears would reduced my rus started to grow.

With step five that would be the beginning of me opening up to the possibility of some deeper emotional intimacy.

In time I would stop procrastinating and become more open and more productive in my life.

In time I would trust myself more, I would trust other people.

In turning to my addictions and obsessions indicated how much I was emotionally traumatized, and also indicated how much fear I was living in.

How ever sick or unhealthy I was on day in my recovery I am not the same person today.

The guilt shame regrets were the consequences of my unhealthy actions and my my unhealthy. 

The spiritual recovery program has helped e become a person I am proud to be today.

I have the choice to be the healthiest person and the most productive person I can be today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

Success for me today is being healthier today, to not give up faith or hope in myself.

Success for me today is not going back to my addictions and my obsessions when I am emotionally vulnerable and feel that I am not able to cope.

Success for me today is being is being able give up all forms of unhealthy living.

Success for me today is not being angry, not being afraid to put m best effort in today.

Success for me today is being is being able to give up one unhealthy habit and exchanging it in to healthy habit.

Success for me today is being is being able to not react in unhealthy ways and to start interacting with people life and situations. 

Success for me today is healing that hurt inner child so that I no longer live in fear.

Success for me today is writing down daily my needs, writing down daily my wants and writing down daily my goals, and each time I do each item is to cross them out.

Success for me today is being honest and accountable to myself.

Success for me today is reducing my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Success for me today is reducing my fears and having more trust in everyone including myself. 

Success for me today is forgiving myself and moving on from my past pains.

Success for me today is learning from my mistakes not living in them.

Success for me today is being more productive and achieving more with my life and my time.

Success for me today is overcoming my fears of emotional intimacy and bel able to have intimacy with every one.

Success for me today is being in meetings and demonstrating a healthy life.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

I use to think that gambling was fun and exciting and that life was boring.

The addictions and the obsessions were a form of escape for me, I was escaping people life situations and how I felt with in myself.

In time I would understand that the addictions and the obsessions were just the symptoms of how vulnerable I was long before my addictions and the obsessions came in to play.

I would lie to myself that if I won money I would feel successful in myself, if I won the money I lost back would undo all the pain I had caused myself and other people.

I was so vulnerable I was so inadequate and insecure from day one walking in to the recovery program.

Sadly over time I would help myself slowly very much baby steps taking things  slowly, over time  gt more honest with myself.

I was not a stupid person, I was not an evil person, I was not a bad person, I was a person who had given up all faith and hope in myself.

In my recovery I would understand that my emotional age and my physical age were not the same.

In my recovery I would understand what my emotional triggers were, but more importantly how to deal with emotional situations when they occured.

I am a non religious person yet I certainly do embrace spiritual values in my life today.

The addictions and the obsessions were a form of escape for me, understanding when I was vulnerable and no longer wanting or needing to gamble was took time.

Of course the ideal situation is for me is to be emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards gambling in every way.

In time I would understand that every fear I had was a consequences of the many pains I had experienced in my life.

I was able to heal many of my pains yet not resolve my fears due to the pains.

I was able face to my fears even without healing many of my pains.

I was able to understand how I ticked, I was able to understand that by going to my addictions and the obsessions was a form of self abuse, self inflicted pains and also fears.

One saying use to cause an unhealthy reaction in me, honesty is the best policy, I use to fear being honest, I use to think that if I was honest would be painful, if I was honest people would leave me or abandon me, that fear of rejection and abandonment was from a very early age and early time in my life.

In my recovery I would get honest with myself in the first place, only once I was honest with myself could I get more honest with other people.

Earlier in my life I was a victim, then I then became a perpetrator, today I understand that I no longer want to be a victim, today I understand that I no longer want to be a perpetrator, and I no longer want to be a rescuer.

Money was not going to heal my pains, money was not going to reduce my fears, money was only going to give me more choices in my life.

From day one in my recovery I use to think that lack of money was my problem, I use to think that gambling was my only problem, in time I would understand how emotionally vulnerable I was, I would give up talking about money and my addictions and would steart to give deeper and deeper therapies, I would expose my vulnerability to people and the world.

By talking about my vulnerability was a sign of my growing inner strength.

A person once said that he was glad he was a compulsive gambler, on him saying that I had an unhealthy reaction, then he followed up by saying that because of his addictions and because he attended meetings and got understand how unhealthy he was.

Today I would say the same thing myself.

The recovery program was not going to control me, the recovery program was not going to stop me gambling, the recovery program was not going to stop me lying, the recovery program was not going to stop doing any thing I did not want to do.

The recovery program is very much like mountain climbers, by being connected to each other we get help and advice to deal with life and risky situations in healthy ways.

Each time I disconnected myself from the recovery program in time I would go back to unhealthy thinking and to unhealthy reactions.

No matter when we last gambled keep going to meetings, no matter if we do not have any money keep going to meetings.

The healthy people in the recovery program was going to help me make healthier choices in every avenue of my life.

Love peace and serenity to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham