Hi
I use to think that each time I went back to my addictions and obsessions was me failing.
Over time I would understand more about each one of my emotional triggers.
For me my emotional triggers were my pains not healed.
Another of my emotional triggers were my fears not faced.
Another of my emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
Another of my emotional triggers were my fears of emotional intimacy, loneliness.
Another of my emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom.
I use to think that due to my last bet I had lost all of my clean time, not so often I had only gambled one day, clean time can not be lost.
The important thing about the recovery program is to keep going, no matter when my last bet was, no matter if I have no money, keep going because I will value myself, I will become selfish about my recovery.
You will often hear people say that the reasons we gamble are just excuses, that for me is not so.
On walking in to the recovery program was I willing or able to say that I lived in my fears.
On walking in to the recovery program was I willing to say that I feared the postman.
On walking in to the recovery program was I willing to say that I feared the telephone ringing.
On walking in to the recovery program was I willing to say that I feared strangers coming to my home.
Being in the recovery program some time was I willing to admit that I feared being honest.
Being in the recovery program some time was I willing to admit that I feared emotional.
Being in the recovery program some time was I willing to admit that I feared failing.
Being in the recovery program some time was I willing to admit that I feared being alone.
Being in the recovery program some time was I able to admit that I was failing in my communication skills.
Being in the recovery program some time was I able to admit that I was living in the guilt shames an regrets of my past.
I am a non religious person yet I thoroughly embrace spiritual values today.
The dreams of my past have now become my reality today.
The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program helped me become healthier and healthier.
Why reluctant to use the telephone list, was it because I felt unworthy, was it because I felt fear of emotional intimacy, was it because I did not feel worthy, was it because I was reluctant to change.
Procrastination was it because I felt fear being committed to myself, was it because I feared being motivated, was it because I feared change would be painful, was it because I felt uncomfortable.
How long would it take me to value myself.
Who I was on day one of entering the spiritual recovery program is not who I am today.
If I am able to enter the spiritual recovery program and succeed any one can.
Am I humbled to be an equal to all in the spiritual recovery program then if one person can learn a new skill in the spiritual recovery program then I can.
Do I admit to myself that I was a victim, then that to can change, I can change that.
Do I admit to myself that I was a perpetrator, then that to can change, I can change that.
Every healthy person in the spiritual recovery program has some thing to share with me.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham.
Hi
Before my every day recovery I use to think that my addiction and obsessions control my thinking, and my behaviour.
Was that true then and is it true today.
Am I in any way different that every other person in the recovery program.
I am a non religious person and when religious people told me I had to do this or ahd to do that I felt that were trying to control me and manipulate me.
I understand that I use to want escape to my addictions and or my obsessions, yet what would cause me to lie and hurt other people.
A healthy non religious person in the recovery program explained that those things I wanted from people life and situations I needed to give to myself first of all.
Every healthy person in the recovery program would share with me their experiences in life with out even mentioning money addictions or obsessions.
In my time I understood that control issues were fear based.
In my time I understood that a healthy love is unconditional.
In my time I understood that I did not know that walking in to the recovery program I was emotionally traumatized.
I did not know that my anger told me that my hurt inner child was not healed.
I did not know that my fears were a consequence of unhealthy pains in my life.
I did not know or understand that I feared the opposite s*x.
Serenity helped me understand that there is nothing I can do or say that will make unhealthy people change their ways.
Serenity helped me understand that I have a choice to react in unhealthy ways towards things or people that happen in my life.
On day one did I admit that I lived in many fears, did I know or understand why I had those fears.
I no longer talk about money or being in action, it has no benefit for me.
Only once my fears reduced could I talk about my emotional vulnerability.
Today I understand that money would not heal my pains, that money would not heal my pains.
By giving back money to people I had lied to lie would not heal their pains or my pains.
It is not possible to my heal my pains if I am not willing to admit to myself I was in pain.
In time I got selfish in my recovery, in order for me to heal I need to focus on myself, to no longer put things off, to no longer make sad excuses, to no longer procrastinate.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
On me walking in to the spiritual recovery program from day one was very painful for me.
I am a non religious person yet I do embrace spiritual values in to my life today.
By me being a non religious person would I understand what serenity would mean to me.
The only person I can change today is myself.
No matter how unhealthy people are today I am unable to change them.
Yet I do understand that my unhealthy reactions to other people I can change.
I did not know or understand my emotional triggers on walking in to the recovery program.
In time I would understand why I was angry.
In time I would heal the hurt inner child in me.
In time I would recognize my fears and face them.
In time I would understand why I was so frustrated.
In time I would reduce my expectations of people life and situations.
In time I would understand why I was felling so isolated and lonely.
In time I would recognize my fears of emotional intimacy.
In time I would understand why I was feeling so bored and no so productive in my life.
Understanding my serenity and how I can change is great for me today.
In time I would recognize my emotional vulnerability.
Is my physical age and my emotional age almost equal today.
Recovery is about a healing process.
If I am not willing to identify my pains I am not able to heal them.
If I am not willing to be honest with myself I am unable to be honest with other people.
If I am not willing to respect myself I am unable to be respectful with other people.
There are not enough hours in the day for me today.
The most precious things in my life today are relationships and time.
Money and material things are only temporary things in my life today.
Do my family in any way fears me today.
Can my family tell me if they are feeling vulnerable today.
Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure.
Was I a perpetrator in my life, yes for sure.
Am I suppressive aggressive in any way today.
Am I an outward aggressive in any way today.
When I try to justify myself I do know that I am not being healthy.
Love and peace to every one
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
Today being in the spiritual recovery program, I am not a bad person, I am not a stupid person, I was just a vulnerable person who could not cope emotionally with people life situations.
My addictions and my obsessions were a form of escape or deviating facing myself or the world.
In time to heal my hurt inner child I would look forward to therapies, I would learn to understand more about myself.
I to questioned if a therapy would help me find healing and emotional resolve.
I also use to think that giving therapies was a woman thing.
I use to think that the strong image was healthy, but the truth was the strength thing was me putting on a facade and hiding and protecting my hurt inner child.
I quit smoking because I set a boundary for myself, because I started to care more about myself.
I was not a mug, my addictions and my obsessions were a form of escaping.
I lost out being a healthy father, I lost out being a healthy husband, I lost out being a healthy son.
Today I have clues that I gambled because of emotional triggers.
No money was going to give me happiness, No money was going to heal hurt relationships.
Money was only going to give me more choices in my life, if I did not heal I was going to carry my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
In my recovery I worked out my net hourly rate, I then decided to find out that money was time, how long did I have to work to get that money I lost.
Just by abstaining I was stop hurting myself and causing myself lots of pains..
It is very important to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, to understand what is a want thing, what is a need thing.
My control issues and stress issues were fear based for me.
The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program would help me to help myself heal and become healthy in so many ways.
The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program would help me understand it was very important to go to meetings no matter when my last bet was, no matter if I had no money they wanted me to keep going to the meetings.
In time I would learn to communicate myself in healthier ways.
In time I would learn to articulate myself in healthier ways.
In time I would learn that recovery will happen for religious person or non religious persons.
If you work your recovery in healthy ways you become healthy in your self.
But still I'm sitting here, not 2 hours ago, googling non gamstop bookies thinking if I can just sign up for one, I'll be sensible and just make Saturday football more interesting. I've put my details in to so many foreign betting sites (don't bother, it doesn't work) and changed details etc.
My last chance is looking at actual betting shops now, googling where the nearest one is. Never really, been in one so the scare of not knowing what I'm doing and looking an idiot has kept me away.
How do you stop? Beat this urge to gamble? Try as I might I'm strong a lot of the time but when I get it in my head to gamble there's no self reasoning with me!
Hi
Why did I keep go back to my addictions even knowing it was causing me and others pain.
Why did I think that my addictions controlled my thinking and my behaviours.
By being in the recovery program I learned to understand what my emotional Triggers were and how to deal with them in a much healthier way.
My emotional Triggers were my pains not healed.
My emotional Triggers were my fears not faced.
My emotional Triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations that I had no control over.
My emotional Triggers were my feelings of loneliness and isolation, I had great fears of emotional intimacy and trust issues.
My emotional Triggers were my feelings of boredom because I had given up so much faith and hope in myself.
By being in the recovery program I learned I would see and recognize myself in other people both the healthy and unhealthy.
Each time I went back to my unhealthy habits I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere healthy.
My unhealthy habits meant I was cheating myself of being productive, I was procrastinating and not getting things done.
My unhealthy habits were a from of escape and deviating facing myself people life and situations, the adrenaline rush was an my unhealthy habits from a very early age.
My fears of being honest were a consequence of being punished as a child for being honest.
I am a non religious person yet I do embrace spiritual values.
I am a person who thought I was seperated from so many people in my life, the like minded people in the recovery program would help me open up more and more in my therapes.
The recovery program was a very s low paced procedure, I was a very impatient intolerant person, my impatience intolerance only indicated how hard I was on myself.
In order to love other people I needed to learn to love myself.
In order to respect other people I needed to learn to respect myself.
The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling, that had to be my own choice.
In order for me to get healthy I needed to abstain from my unhealthy habits.
In reading step one I really thought that I abstained from my addictions and got my money back would resolve me and I would be happy.
Not so the addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.
Only once I abstained from the the addictions and my obsessions could the healing process begin.
I was not healing from the addictions and my obsessions I was in effect healing the hurt inner child in me.
My anger, my resentments, my vengeance, my impatience and my intolerance my hatred only indicated how much pain my inner was in.
I use to say that I wanted justice when in fact I was wanting vengeance, not the same thing.
I wanted vengeance and to transfer my pains fears and frustrations on to other people.
How is my recovery today, I use to be angry all of the time, not it is hard to recall when I was last angry.
How do I measure my recovery today, do my family fear, am I able to tell people how much I love them, am I able to show gratitude and appreciation to all people today.
Am I able to be completely free of fear today.
Am I able to be completely to be myself today.
Am I able to be needs today, am I able to be wants today, am I able to achieve goals today, am I able to set boundaries today.
Am I humbled to being honest today in healthy ways.
Am I humbled to being equal to all people today.
Am I humbled to being nurturing and encouraging to myself and other people today.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
Hi
Just for today I will not to gamble is a boundary I set for myself.
I will not to gamble because when I gambled I just made things much worse.
At the beginning I did not go to meetings for myself I did it for some one else.
Only when I went to meetings was I willing and bale to give up my unhealthy habits.
I am a non religious person yet I have been able to not only abstain from my addictions but I have been able to achieve so much more with my life.
When I abstained from my addictions and my unhealthy habits only then could the healing process start.
For every unhealthy habit I gave up I was able to take up healthy habits.
The spiritual recovery program was a program for me to heal with, it was going to help me take back my life.
My unhealthy addictions my unhealthy obsessions and my unhealthy habits were the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.
Understanding my emotional triggers would help me not react in unhealthy ways but to interact in healthy ways.
I was emotionally vulnerable because I could not heal my pains.
I was emotionally vulnerable because I lived in so many fears.
I was emotionally vulnerable because I got so frustrated with people life and situations.
I was emotionally vulnerable because I felt vulnerable when I was all alone.
I was emotionally vulnerable because I felt so bored with life and could not be productive in myself in so many ways.
I was emotionally vulnerable when it was Christmas.
I was emotionally vulnerable when it was Tax time.
I was emotionally vulnerable when I was going to the dentist.
I lacked confidence, I lacked the ability to have intimate relationships.
I was emotionally vulnerable when I was asked questions.
I no longer wanted to live my life in fear any more.
I no longer wanted to procrastinate and waste time and my energy.
No matter if I gambled it was important to keep going to meetings.
The wording I have to indicated I was obsessive.
In the spiritual recovery program I would learn what was a want and write them down.
In the spiritual recovery program I would learn what was a need and write them down.
To daily write things down I am committed to myself.
By saying just for today I am committed to living in today, to not let my fear hold me back.
Before my recovery I use to think that recovery was about perfection.
For me today my recovery is about progress in any way healthy.
No one could stop me gambling, no one could stop me lying, no one could stop me from living in fear.
The spiritual recovery program is very much mountain climbers learn new safe skills when facing new challenges.
The spiritual recovery program healthy groups will be nurturing and encouraging.
The spiritual recovery program helped me learn new healthy skills in dealing with people life and situations.
I use to blame every one and every thing for how I use to feel.
When I lost things I use to think it was not my fault.
Being in the spiritual recovery program I would become more accountable to myself.
My emotional age and my physical age were not the same.
Being in the spiritual recovery program I feel like we work like a team, we find new goals and new challenges.
Being in a healthy meeting we feel like we are family and we can talk about any thing.
I did not know that walking in to the spiritual recovery program I was already a survivor of very serious painful experiences.
I have from feeling like I was a complete waste of time and energy to becoming worth while in myself every day.
No matter what happens today the last thing I want to do is gamble.
I do that if I gamble I just make things much worse.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
Once I took my recovery seriously I understood who I was on day entering recovery is not who I am today.
By working my recovery healing has occurred, I do not live in shame today.
The choices I make today are much healthier.
I understand my needs today, and fulfil them today.
I understand my wants today, and fulfil them today.
I have new found growing goals today.
Before recovery I was a complete waste of time and energy.
Only once I saw that by being in my addiction I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where.
My addiction was self destructive, my addiction was a complete waste of time and energy
At one time I thought I loved gambling and that life was boring.
That is not true today.
Love and peace to every one
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
I think that using such wording better than good right wrong can be taken as a critism.
That in my recovery the wording healthy or unhealthy can help people understand more without offence.
The fact that my recovery time was a consequence of time and effort I put in to my recovery.
How much do I value myself today.
How much do I want to be a healthier person today.
How much do I want to stop hurting myself today.
The important of recovery is about nurturing and encouraging people to feel welcome and wanted.
Regards Dave L
My lies started long before my addictions and my obsessions.
The consequences of my lies is betrayal.
The reason I use to lie was because I thought that being honest would be painful, I thought that me being honest people would leave me.
So with each lie comes fears, and over time lying became easier and easier and I use to justify it.
The lies started with me lying to myself.
A healthy relationship is based up on honesty.
Sadly betrayal and lies can cause person to have any kind of intimacy with another person.
Hence some people will only be able to trust pets and animals and not people.
When I walked in to the recovery program could I be honest with myself.
20 questions simple enough, is being honest to myself painful, yet as my yeses grew my honesty got deeper with in me.
The fear of being honest started in my child hood.
When I was honest I was punished, in the meetings you will find people clapping when they admit they have been unhealthy.
Over time people in the rooms start to give therapies where people talk about their emotional vulnerability and as that happens their fears reduce and their trust grows.
Each lie I tell adversely affects my relationship with myself and with other people.
Regards Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
It was important for to learn and understand my emotional triggers, my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness, and my boredom.
It was important for me to turn over all of my finances and understand that I could not be trusted with money
It was my reality I could not trust myself with money.
In time I would trust my self and then trust other people.
I put my partner through such hell and I betrayed her trust many times in my life.
How much I value myself is determined by how seriously I took the recovery program.
The recovery program is a healing process for both the addict and partners.
Love and best wishes
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
I have been to 11 counsellors and it was well worth while.
Some were more helpful than others and one helped me peel back the onion and expose some very painful periods in my life.
When is person ready for counselling, for me it was when my fears reduced and I started to trust other people.
This was best done once steps 1 - 5 were est completed.
For me step 5 helped me over come my fears of emotional intimacy.
For me I saw if a person had been an addict and found a healthy recovery they were able to help me over come my issues.
Sadly in my life I had got in to trauma for many times I use to bury and suppress my pains.
The rage I had indicated my hurt u=inner child was not healed.
I was both suppressive aggressive and out ward aggressive.
In my life I had been a victim and also a perpetrator both roles were very unhealthy for me.
Once I moved from talking about money or money lost and once I gave up talking about being in action I moved from living in the past and talking about my fears today.
I could not articulate my feelings on walking in to the recovery program.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
Honesty is the best policy.
Honesty is the healthy way to healthy relationships.
If I am not honest with myself I am not able to be honest with other people.
If I am not able to respect myself I am not able to respect other people.
If I am not able to Love myself I am not able to Love other people.
The spiritual recovery program is about healing our hurt inner child.
If I am not able to or willing to admit to myself my pains they can never be healed.
Saying I am fine when I am crumbing part inside is a lie and a deception.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
My recovery is not measured by when I last had a bet.
My recovery is measured by how I deal with things go wrong.
I do not get afraid when going to my dentist.
I do not get afraid at Christmas.
I do not get afraid at tax time.
I do not get afraid at people who are aggressive and very unhealthy.
I do not get afraid at being honest.
I do not get afraid at being myself.
I do not get afraid at talking about the abusive life I have survived in my life.
I do not get afraid at talking to people who want to ask me serious in depth questions about my recovery.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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