How do I stop?

Thanks Sandra.

There are definitely good days and bad days. I guess life would be dull if it were predictable. The tough days scare me because the more time that passes the less I remember how bad gambling makes me feel. There is a circuit in my head that lets the excitement memory in but keeps the shame and humiliation out. I guess that is where this diary comes in. When I come back, I remember.

Good luck all. Jx

Hi J,

Thank you for your post, most appreciated.

Mind can play the tricky games in our heads, but i suppose it's down to us to make that final decision.

You are doing great, bad days will come and go..as well as any urges you experiencing.

Keep it up and keep posting

Take care

Sandra x

I think it I got my diary title wrong. It is not how do I stop; if I keep busy, I can stop. It is, how do I relax and stay stopped? I am utterly exhausted. I have thrown myself into work and life and family and I am approaching 100 days gamble free but the last time I had some chill out time by myself, I gambled. I would so like to take a day to myself to do nothing but I'm terrified I relapse. Does anyone else have a coping strategy for this? Any advice would be much appreciated. J

In the name of full disclosure, I must write in my diary that I squandered £10 today on lottery tickets for tomorrow night. It is something I didn't particularly want to do but, when asked by my other half to do so, I couldn't think of an excuse that wouldn't end up with an argument or full confession.

I am quite proud that I managed to buy the tickets without blowing hundreds on scratch cards or throwing in the towel and doing something worse. A few months ago I would have done something stupid and been twisted enough to blame my other half for sending me in there in the first place.

If anything, this act has reinforced my desire to walk away from compulsive gambling for good.

So, needless to say, I didn't win the lottery but, delighted to say, no relapse or associated compulsive gambling.

Here's to a gamble free 2014. Happy New Year to all.

Day 101!!!

Okay, so I meant to post yesterday.

I'm not going to pretend it has been easy and still having urges most days but so pleased to pass the hundred days mark. This is officially the longest I have ever managed to abstain. I have clean, normal bank statements and no need to lie to the people who trust me.

Stay strong folks. If I can do this anyone can. Jx

Hi Jwillquit

Just wanted to congratulate you on reaching and passing 100 days. That is a great achievement!

Stay strong.

Feb.

Day 128

So the urges are back. Funny how they creep up out of nowhere. I guess the positive I can take out of rereading my diary is that they have become fewer and further between. I guess I should take myself off and find a distraction. I know it will pass.. Eventually.

Take care all.

Hi J

You are going well don't think of the number of days just think of today. What can you do to make your day a great gamble free day. Try and do something positive. Going for a nice walk is usually a good thing to do. Have a look around you and take everything in. Try to shut the whirring background noise of gambling. It will cease in time. Live is for living so get out there and do it. Doesn't have to be life changing things just good things that we never did before.

Hiya J, just wanted to drop by and say thanks for keeping your diary. You may be doing it for you but it is benefiting more than just you. 🙂

Your diary may be one of the "quieter" or less dramatic ones but there's something about it which I find inspiring. Maybe it's just the way you put things. Your thoughts are my thoughts; your struggles are mine. I am at a similar stage to you - been stopping over and over again for about 6 years, and am doing better and better every time, but so exasperated with my repeated slips (which tend to be brief now, but still very expensive).

One thing that's different is that I have told a few people "in my real life" as you put it. I felt exactly like you, that telling anyone would brand me forever and make everyone look at me differently. I couldn't have been more wrong. All I felt from those I've told was love and understanding. It actually increased the amount of love I felt from them. Don't forget that everyone has their secrets and their weaknesses that they think no-one else has, and if you share your weakness with another person they are usually SO relieved to find that they're not the only imperfect one! And people love being asked for help, it makes them feel needed.

I'm not saying I'm in a full disclosure situation, I'm not - my other half only knows I used to have a small problem, not that I've struggled with it so much or so recently. But a few of my friends now do know the extent of it.

Start small. (Actually writing here is already a start!) Tell a therapist, speak on the phone to a real person at Gamcare or wherever, listen to their total acceptance. Take a break, let it sink in. Then maybe think about telling a close friend, face to face. They will still see you as the whole person they know, not as "a gambling problem with a person attached".

Once you've told one person, it gets easier to tell others. I've found it's helped me accept it in myself more deeply, helped me forgive myself to an extent. This is huge. It's become less of a massive part of my self-image, more something along the lines of a "quirk" to go with all my other "quirks".

I'm trying to say that telling others has really transformed the way I look at my problem and at myself as a whole, in a way I never could have predicted. It's become less monstrous, so I can accept it. And because I can accept it, I don't fight it. And because I don't fight it, the urges are much much less - there's not all that "should I, shouldn't I" rubbish, all the time. More often just quiet acceptance that gambling needs to be "something I don't do". Not a monster inside me to be afraid of. Is this making sense?

Hold it up to the light and let a trusted other person see it. That's my recommendation. I'm sure you'll find it's a big step in your recovery. Struggling on completely alone is a hell of a lot of needlessly wasted effort.

All the very best

FF

Well Smiler, great minds must think alike. I am just back from a walk out along the coast. Great day for it; blue skies and freezing. Thanks for the supportive post.

Jx

Thanks Feet Forward, I appreciate the advice. All hints and tips for beating this addiction welcome here.

I am hugely inspired reading other diaries and I'm glad you've got something from reading mine.

I do feel something, not exactly envy but hope you know what I mean, when I read about the support and guidance provided by friends and family. I know there are people in my life who would help if I asked them. There are those who wouldn't necessarily help but would stop suggesting nights out at the casino or showing me "this new amazing slot you can play on your phone" if I told them the truth. I don't think I could take the sympathy. In a way, I don't think I deserve it.

I gave myself this one last chance to quit on my own and I'm taking strength from my desire not to bring my addiction into the real world.

I don't count the days as such but, when an urge comes, I open up the calendar and work it out. The urges, although strong when they come, are less frequent. I take strength from that too.

All the best in you recovery. Jx

So today I have to own up to a wobble. Got as far as opening a new online account and playing a few quid.

It was an interesting experience.

I gave in to one of my strongest triggers; work pressure. I looked at it and convinced myself that since I was bound to fold at some point, it might as well be today. Thing is I didn't splurge. Gambling bored me; I got absolutely nothing out of it. For the first time in my life, I stopped betting not only with money in my bank account but money in my online gaming account. I made a few bets, even switched on to slots thinking the instant hit might be the therapy I was looking for but felt nothing.

As I type, I'm feeling a little dazed. I'm still mad at myself for betting but I have been fantasising for months about what it would be like to have a shot and part of me thinks this lesson in tedium might be well learned. I'm not about to suggest I'm cured. I have closed the account and self excluded from the site as it is best to be safe but today I could have played through a healthily bank balance and overdraft facility and chose not to. I have never been in a position to say that before.

I am a compulsive gambler and will always be a compulsive gambler but today, despite placing a bet, I feel slightly more like a normal human being as well. Can no longer claim to be gamble free but I am proud to say no compulsive episode. I will beat these demons; not because of blocks and technology but because I want to and because I just realised gambling is not any kind of a solution.

Stay strong folks. Jx

Done rather a lot of soul searching today. Switching between mad that tomorrow is day one again and positive that I have not fallen off the wagon in the same catastrophic way as I have when I have lapsed in the past. Am I fooling myself to say this is still progress? I have felt shame and disgust before at my gambling but today I felt something different. I felt the complete, unadulterated futility of gambling and was bored doing it.

I wrote in my diary that if I failed again, I would come clean and tell my other half. I do not feel I have failed sufficiently to nuke my life. You may say that is dishonest but I think I am making progress. Today still feels like progress.

Ahh, my head hurts!

Jx

Hi J

Hopefully your life is the same as everyone else in recovery. We learn on a daily basis. Might be small things we learn but nonetheless we learn. Abstaining from gambling needs to be filled with something else other than time on our hands. Hopefully you'll learn to appreciate something else in your life other than escaping into a world where you don't belong as it isn't safe for you. Stay strong J and move forward with your recovery

Take care