How I feel today, the start of my journey

Hello Deborah270882,

Well done for all your hard work, sharing your journey and 50 days gambling-free!

Best Wishes,

Louise

Forum Admin

@deborah270882 👏👏👏👏👏👏💪

Well done Deb.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

So i think today I experienced my first let down, I thought about gambling, I didnt go through with it, I wont go through with it I know that for sure, but we are a short on a big outgoing this month, and for the first time in over 50 days, I thought about gambling as a solution!

Even thinking about it feels like a setback, as its the first real time I have struggled with this particular hurdle, my journey so far has been all about other people and the guilt of what I have done to them, its never been about the losses or the money, its been about me and how I could have done the things I have done, so after overcoming all the guilt and starting to work on myself and giving myself a little bit of forgiveness, I am so ashamed that I would even consider it as an option.

I know that not acting on it is a huge thing, but contemplating it does feel like a setback especially after all the work I have put in for the sake of the people I love and care about, this is all for them.

On a brighter note (As I am currently having a yoyo of emotions kind of day) I am still generally feeling good and positive, its 12 days until we go abroad (luckily all inclusive and paid for some time ago) so I am pretty busy, keeping busy is key for me, I literally havn't stopped since I stopped. And by the time we get back I will be 75 days GF, and hopefully it will give me some time for some mindfulness and work on myself.

Feeling much better about things today, before I stopped gambling I also went on a bit of a weight loss journey, one because I have piled on the pounds, and two because we have a holiday next week and I must be double the size I was 5 years ago.

Ive only been eating healthier and doing moderate exercise, walking about 5 miles a day and some weight training in a morning, but today I hit the scales and I have lost 2 stone in total in 5 months, I am honestly like a new person mentally and physically, I feel great and this morning I went on my first run in over 5 years, only 3k but it was a start.

I was pretty active before covid, regular gym visits but I have completely let myself go, a lot of it I know is because I spent all my time gambling, and as I had very little time free for anything else, I didn't have time for exercise or eating healthy cooked meals.

It just made me think yet again how much it actually takes away from you, it stops you living.  Its sickening to think all the people that are effected by this terrible disease that takes away the person we are, and very scary how easy it is to fall into.  I feel very very lucky that I have finally taken that step and taken control of my life, body and mind.

So day 53, is a great one.........and 11 sleeps until I'm sipping cocktails by the pool, very lucky lady x

Day 56...... 4 days to go until I hit a full 2 months gamble free, I have to say I am starting to feel very proud of myself, having spent the majority of the past 2 months constantly stressing over what I have done, I haven't really taken the time to think about what I am doing.

2 months is huge for someone who has been gambling for 10 years, every day for the last 6 years, its massive.  I am so grateful that I had my moment, the pivotal moment where enough was enough, I would like to say I don't know where I would be if I hadn't taken the first step, but I do, I would be alone, I would be numb, I would be stealing, lying, I would be unhappy, moody I would not be sleeping, I wouldn't have seen any of the sunshine over the weekend, I wouldn't have spent time with my family, with my partner, I would be 2 stone heavier and 2 grand poorer.

Stepping back into reality and Taking my life back was the hardest thing I have ever done, dealing with the shame and guilt of what I have done, that day I honestly wanted to die, it was one or the other, and if I am completely honest with myself I was close to the other way.   

I read the first couple of entries of my diary quite often, and although it is only 56 days, which is nothing compared to some of my fellow fighters, the difference in how I feel daily is unfathomable, that whole time I was not myself, its sad and scary, it feels like a lifetime ago but I then realise it was a different life completely, one I am free of for the time being, and hopefully forever.

I am happy, content, loved, I feel again, I appreciate again, I hope and I live and it feels amazing, I never want it to end, I hope I have the strength to keep going for the rest of my days, to appreciate the life I have, the people around me and the possibilities for the future.

So day 56, a bit of reflection time, and a little bit of self love.

Hi Deborah,

Your diary made me smile. Thank you for your shares. I can just tell how proud you're of yourself and how those little things in life is giving you so much now you opened your eyes to the world. And that's what it is. Simple little things makes biggest difference.  

Us gamblers lose sense of time. Something so precious to human being. Time is something we cannot get back so spending it doing things what makes you happy and content is exactly what this life is made for. 

You should be very proud of yourself. Taking control back is huge. Don't need to take strides going forward,  one day at a time is enough.  Making right choice today will take you to peace of mind tomorrow.  Keep on going! 

And remember,  it's ok to look back but don't stare. You have new life and dreams ahead now with a lot more purpose in your stride now 😊

S&B xx

@sb28 Thank you, I am feeling very proud at the moment, I know the past is nothing to take pride in but I never ever for a minute thought I would ever be free.  I completely agree with you regarding time, I was consumed as I am sure we all were at some point when I wasn't working or sleeping, I was gambling and its so sad to look back on everything I missed.

I will for sure make up for it now, I don't stop, all these things (Stupid little things) i never made time for, they feel great and in turn makes me feel good.

I am as daft as it sounds enjoying recovery, the bad days go as quickly as they come, I'm still learning how to ride the storm and it can take me a while to bring myself out of it, but when I do, its all worth it.

Well tomorrow I will be 2 months gamble free, 2 whole months.  I won't be posting for a while as I am going away for a couple of weeks, so I'm prematurely congratulating myself as I know for a fact I will not gamble today.

Now I don't know how many people read through these recovery diaries, and that posts are for my benefit and recovery, but if anybody does read this, stopping is the best thing you will ever do, I have mentioned so many times, the enjoyment I am getting from life, I feel things I havn't felt in years I feel human again. Money comes and goes, money had no value while we were actively gambling, so why give your losses so much value now, accept them move on and live your life.

I want to tell everyone just to hang in there, to take the down days, wallow in the guilt if you have to, because those days are rare and the good days make up it for it all.

So I’ve hit the 75 day mark, had an amazing holiday and a good rest. As proud as I am of myself, now I have come back in really struggling with urges, I just want to gamble, I think maybe the anticipation of our holiday kept my mind off things, but now I’m home with nothing in the pipeline other than work, I’m really really struggling, I keep thinking I could just have a little go, maybe £20 in a low stake, I know I can’t but god it’s got me today, which is such a shame knowing how far I have come, but if I am been honest with myself, I am so close to failure. Even writing this it’s going over and over in my head, I just wanted to stop. I know they say take a breather keep busy but it’s been there for over 24 hours, let’s hope I’ve still got this x