I'm going to have to tell my wife, but I'm so scared.

Hi RA,

Thanks again for your message. Here is the website for the dude who has the podcast and where to find it. I’ve started off from number one and working my way through. I find it really useful and am able to relate to him and his guests on so many levels. Hope this helps.

OAU

https://www.aftergambling.com/

Well done in getting to over 2 weeks gamble free, it does get easier, I promise. With everything out in the open there will be no distractions and you can tackle this addiction head on.

Keep going, gambling solves nothing, in fact it has the opposite effect in that your problems just get bigger.

Shaun

Morning All,

Day 18 gf and feeling positive about my situation. It will be two weeks tomorrow since I first opened up and said out loudly to my wife that I’m a compulsive gambler and where this addiction has led me too and the secret life that I have been living. To get it all that off my chest was the most terrifying thing that I have ever had to do in my 30 years alive. She was so mad at me and obviously still is, but I just had it set in my head that she wouldn’t support me and how wrong was I. She can see a light at the end of tunnel as long as I’m willing to work at this and work at us. It’s going to take time. I have broken trust, wasted money and lied to her. It is early days and I do have fear of one day slipping up. But by being honest it just feels so much better. I’ve been dealing with this on my own for so long that it just became the norm, but it was exhausting and I became a person that I didn’t use to be. Someone that lied and that isn’t how I was growing up. The guilt has really set in and the money has gone, but fortunately that’s all been refinanced and since handing over my finances to my wife, for the first time I feel in control as there some organisation now. My wife has started therapy and is going to be a tough time for her, because growing up she didn’t have the best of up bringings and was very confusing and things that happened so by me doing what I’ve done it triggers all these bad memories etc.... so hopefully the therapy by the end something will good of come out of it not just with this but for her as a person moving forward and dealing better with the bad things that have happened in the past. I’ve started therapy and found it like a really good starting point and am trying to take onboard any advice she gives me. I went to my first ga meeting last night. I’ve always been very nervous speaking out in front of people but last night I feel I did okay. Didn’t get my full story out as I thought I was rambling on for so long. But found it good and am going to stick by it. So sad to hear people’s stories and even though I’ve not gambled away the house or living on the streets, these are a real reality of this addiction and that is where any of us could be if we continue on this destructive path. In the grand scheme of things if taking a few hours out of my week to go to something like that stops me from gambling. Then the time it will free up will be much more than that of wasted hours in a betting shop, running cash machine to machine etc...... I don’t want to gamble anymore it’s affected to many aspects of my life and my family’s and they are all I’ve ever wanted in life and now have them. But that won’t be the case if I continued to gamble. Have a good weekend people and stay on track, nothing but good things will come out of staying clean.

Hi O&U, your story is like very much of our own, we all understand and seek and gain support from each other... it may be online but it’s very powerful and has helped many of us cope with this awful destructive gene we have. Well done and much respect to you for coming clean, it takes your emotions to places you don’t even know exist! If you want to, read mine and other stories it will help make you feel you’re not alone 😉 Well done! Kaz xx

Hello mate.

It's good to see that you are doing well and pulling on the different support that is on offer. That will show your other half and your family that you are really serious about getting over this addiction.

Sounds like you are in a much better place than you were a few weeks ago. Nice one mate, keep up the good work.

RA

Day 29

Been feeling very anxious today and it’s been hard to put my finger on what has been causing this. Things are starting to feel a lot more normal and the odd thoughts of gambling have creeped back in. None that I have wanted to follow through on and hasn’t been powerful. I’ve just been saying to myself no you don’t do that anymore as you know what happens. I also now know what I will lose if I am ever to go down that path again. I also like being honest and no sneaking around seizing any opportunities to get a quick gamble in on a fobt machine whether I was going to the shop, takeaway, haircut, town, lunch breaks, taking time off work. Looking back it was madness. The last day I gambled I drove from my hometown 20 odd miles as I was self excluded in my town from everywhere except one (where a friend works). I got to Bolton with £80 in my pocket and lost it within five mins. I then went in to one of my two banks without id, no cash card and said I’ve forgot my wallet at home and am desperate to withdraw money as I’m working in Bolton. They went through a serious of questions and then let me take £200. That went in ten mins. Barclays emptied. Then went to Halifax did the same and they said I could make a maximum withdrawal of 100 but only had 75 left in that. Got that and lost it. Then drove home almost on empty got what cash I had at home 800 after a series of wins and blitzed it in the bookmakers where my friend works. At one time I would never of bet more than 30 in that shop for the fear of him telling someone so always avoided at all costs. He wasn’t working that day but they all know me as I use to go in to put the Irish on so word will get back. But that’s how much I let my self reputation go. I have now banned myself from that and he text me with a joke funny. I work for myself and that day I took half a day off work to participate in this stupidness. My wife thought I was working so hard at work, when I wasn’t. This is when I realised that I needed to stop. Bank accounts emptied. Credit cards reaching there limits. I couldn’t continue. But I know who I am now and so does my family and close friends. No more hiding, no more double life, no more lies, no more losing money. Fresh start the slate is clean. Never will I go back in to such madness.

OAU

Hi OAU

First of all it’s great you are still gambling free, well done. We all get these thoughts about gambling and must admit it was a struggle for me early on but then I discovered the Allen Carr book you mentioned on my diary. WOW! For me that was a game changer, it took all the stress and anxiety out of stopping gambling. I am glad you have the book, so easy to understand and such a common sense approach.

My advice, read the book, digest and everything will fall into place, even when we have an urge, it shows us how to stop that urge in its track.

Speak soon

Shaun

Hi O and U

Just read your story, very very similar to myself and your story was very relatable in a lot of ways.

I am on day 4 of my recovery and find reading peoples stories like yours very inspirational.

Please keep posting and please keep strong, you did the very hardest bit in admitting!

All the best.

Day 38

Feeling great. Still gamble free. Working on myself as a person by listening to my feelings and trying to understand them. Studying behavioural patterns with my gambling that have repeated around times of stress, feeling overwhelmed or time of work (I’m self employed) it all seems to be making sense thinking back. It’s not just the gambling but other things that I become obsessive with. I’m working harder in my job which is rewarding as I earn more and by not taking time off to gamble that also increased my wage. I’m listening to my wife, taking a breath/ thinking before I speak if we have a disagreement. Not being passive aggressive with her, well, I can’t be anyway after what I’ve done but still just in general even if I am thinking I’m in the right. I heard the other day that always being in the right and winning an argument isn’t a good thing if that only it does is agitate the other person. I’m being honest even about the small things like a fish and chip lunch ha.

I have just wrapped up my wife’s presents. Parents presents sorted, cards sent last week and just need to get some little presents for my sisters but won’t be seeing them until the end of next month as they live in Singapore and Australia. Christmas is a very fun time and a time I really enjoy spending with family and friends. However I always find the run up to it stressful as I get so overwhelmed with having to buy presents, what to buy, costs, mad busy at work trying to get on top of everything before Christmas Day, sending cards. That I just shut down and don’t get organised and in the past gambled. Looking back over the last three years November time has always been my worst loses and that’s because of the pressure I put myself under knowing Christmas is around the corner and the letting everything build up together. My therapist told me to break it down in to small sections, write it down, take one thing at a time on my list. I have done this and it helped even though I still found it hard but it made it easier getting sorted for Christmas. Things like this are things that I need to adapt in to my life.

The gambling thoughts come and go and have had one day where I have had real urges. But had a word with myself and they passed after a few hours. Like I said before my gambling has always been done in binges, sometimes months in a row and have had breaks before. So know that at the moment this isn’t new for me to have a gf period. But attending ga, speaking to my wife honestly and surrending to this addiction. I live in hope that I can change and move forward positively in my life.

My energy levels seem to be much better. I’m having breakfast, not skipping lunch, not over eating s**t on the road pit stops at mc Donald’s whilst I ride around Lancashire gambling in any bookies I come across as the ones in my town I had self excluded from. No I haven’t got loads of spare money and won’t do for a long time by not gambling. But my money stresses are not much different to the average joe and learning that will take time. I lived in a bubble with credit cards and a 30k limit I reached half before I couldn’t take it anymore. Me and my wife went through all my credit cards statements and worked out that I had blitzed 30k in just over two years. I’m not proud of it I’m ashamed but I’m moving forward with hope. Don’t ever go back to that place. It’s a horrible place.

OAU

Hello

I really enjoyed and appreciated your last post... the good bits made me happy and inspired and the sad bits were welcome reminders of how gambling lies dormant, it doesn't just vanish when you've decided you've had enough of it... I resonated with so much of what you said.

I will you all the best on this journey and hope the future you make for yourself and your wife is bright and fruitful. Thanks again for the brilliantly insightful post.

Hi OAU

Well done in hitting the 40 plus mark gamble free. Hope you have a wonderful Xmas, nothing like enjoying the break without that zombie state after losing heavily on gambling.

Shaun

Morning OAU

How have you been? I hope you enjoyed your Christmas.

RA

Hi RA,

Had a great Christmas thank you. Not being so long ago since it’s all come to the surface and how raw it still is. This Christmas has been the best in years. I’ve not been living a lie, been open with my finances and has been our first Christmas with our baby daughter. I’ve worked quite a bit in between as I’m just trying to earn as much as I can at the moment and am enjoying it. Where before I felt so unmotivated as I just was P*****g the cash away and having that big debt in my name spread across several credit cards, I just struggled to find the energy. I’m taking much better care of myself although I will of put a few pounds on with all the eating lol. Feeling good new year in a few days. Really starting to see this new future I’m entitled too as long as I always keep in touch with this problem I have. Things are going well with my wife. Obviously days that not and that will be for a long time and the thoughts of her thinking have I gambled will always be there. But we are working at it. Still attending GA and therapy. Finding them really useful. Therapy is great as I just am learning so much not only about my gambling ways but me as a person and how it’s all linked. Would recommend it and it is free provided by Gamcare.

How has your Christmas been? You had any time off work?

All the best for the New Year.

OAU

It's great to see you doing so well.

It's not always about the money is it. When we stop we appreciate more important things in life such as our wellbeing and relationships. They often get forgotten about when we have our blinkers on.

Do you speak about your gambling still with your partner or is it sometimes the elephant in the room? Although I know we can both talk about it, sometimes I feel like if we have a disagreement or she snaps it's because she still holds that resentment in the back of her mind about what I've done. She has every reason to of course, and it's down to me to win that trust back.

I had a good Christmas thanks. Like you it's our first Christmas with our son so he's been spoilt rotten by the family. All that money spent, and all he is interested in was the wrapping paper haha.

Anyways here is to a gamble free 2019 mate. Happy New year!

RA

Hi all,

Hope everyone is well. Happy New Year to you all.

Well here we are the start of a new year and with the good intentions we always have of changing, getting fit, dropping bad habits etc... we all have our New Years resolutions. But mine started last year on the 18th November and that will be a continuous effort to abstain from gambling forever.

Almost two months down the line how am I feeling? Okay the run to Christmas was very busy with work and getting organised with cards/ presents. Very overwhelming time and the time when I fall most vulnerable to huge losses. This always starts in November and did and that is what led me back here as I didn’t want to go any further as all credit and bank accounts was exhausted. Yes I had another credit card ordered but I knew that it would only be used to gamble on and not refinance my debt as I wanted too. So I came clean. It felt horrendous at the time and it still does thinking back. The trust Isn’t there with my wife. But they are there for me and I am doing all I can to stay clear and am doing. This forums helps, GA helps massively, podcasts help. Life’s good I have been given another chance. I am 15k in debt but it’s just money. That will be paid off in time and although I wish it wasn’t there and kick myself about it. What can I do about it apart from the weekly payments for the next 4-5 years. Who cares. Well I do but really that money would of only got wasted anyway so use to not seeing it and I’m already seeing the positives of stopping gambling financially just two months down the line. Not had many urges which isn’t new as I have stopped before and that has been the same. But if I do I have people to talk too about them. This year will be a real challenge but I’m hoping to come out the other end a better man. But just taking it one day at a time as that’s all I can do. I know I could go and bet now if I wanted too. But no it’s just a farce, my friends gamble and good luck to them, they do it responsibly but me I always lose and if I am to bet again. It won’t just be the money I lose, it will be the wife, baby, mum and dad that I lose. That’s what life is about and not this stupid con that it is. I’m so fortunate to of been given a second chance and most of all seen within myself that change is needed.

Thanks

OAU