I can't change my past - only my future.

Having read some of the stories on here, you can very quickly get a feeling for where you and your problems are on the grand scale. Take sums involved for example - i've seen figures of £5,000, £50,000, even £250,000 mentioned, and instantly it makes me realise that whilst I do have a problem, it's nowehere near as bad as it could be.

My debts peaked at £6,300 (not including student loan - I do not earn enough to pay that back). Currently, I owe around £3,200, and another £2,000 to a member of family. In late 2010 I took advice from the local Citizens Advice Bereau, and looked to start paying back my loans. I've continued to do that, and in 18 months time I will have cleared the £6,300 balance. Then I can pay back my member of family. Until every penny is paid back, I will feel terrible for having done this to myself, every payday is a reminder when I see funds leaving my account immediately to pay things back, but I know that i'm sort of on the right track.

So why come here today to start this diary? Simple - for the first time in over 2 years I took out a small loan during the week. I had been drinking and starting gambling again - money that I didn't have in my possesion at the start of the week, borrowed money, was now being thrown away, and seemingly without a care.

Of course, i'm beating myself up for doing it, I completely regret doing it, and it tells me that I need help. I'll need to review my finances for the next 3 months to factor in repayment of this loan, I will literally need every penny to count. I also need somewhere where I can put my thoughts out there, if anything so that I can see my own state of mind, read my own thoughts and opinions on myself, and hopefully help me understand me better!

I'm not living just now, i'm existing... and that doesn't feel (or sound!) like fun. So here I am, the past is what it is, and can't be changed... my future however, is in my hands.

Gambling is a terrible addiction but it can be beaten. You are not alone in your thoughts and everyone on here has suffered or is suffering the same as you. The main concern for me is that you need to open up to someone close to you. Can you tell a friend or close family member? It will give you short term pain but it will help in the long term. We as gamblers are good at keeping secrets and you need to start thinking like an ex-gambler if you want your future self to visit you (see my diary). Keep safe and take it one day at a time. It will get better!

I have spoken with my parents in the past - but I cannot bring myself to talk about what happened this week. That is what this diary is for - I can get the benefit of relative anonymity but get thoughts/feelings off my chest. I feel that i'm better to talk about what happens here than not at all.

On John B's advice, I have just read Mark117's diary. I encourage anyone who is new here to do exactly the same.

Hi Steven,

Maybe speak with Netline and find the details of your nearest counseller who can offer free one on one chats every week to help you in your recovery.

Read the recovery diarys and take out the bits that will help you in your quest to become gamble free.

Good Luck in your fight

Hi Steven

Well done on starting a diary this will help u with ur recovery , reading marks diary is an example to all of us he helped me so much on this journey

Take it one day at a time and make the decision each day to choose not to gamble , gettin through each day will give u so much strength to take to the next one , gambling takes so much from us as u already know but the belief and confidence will come back

My best advice I can give u is stay very close to this diary read and post as much as u can esp when the urges come

I wish u all the best in ur recovery

Castle2

John - i'm already in touch with a councillor, and when I next meet with them I will discuss what happened last week.

I feel that i'm already taking positives from what i've said - I'm not proud of the new loans, but proud that i've recognised that it is wrong, and that by writing here, i'm try to help myself stop. For all the talking in the world, chatting with friends/fmaily - there's only 1 person that can help you, and that's YOU.

As I mentioned on RCG's diary, I'm not 100% convinced that I want to stop gambling, but I know that I have to stop. The day when I realise, that I am able to say that I WANT to stop may be weeks, months, even years away - but when it comes i'll know then that i've done it, I will have achieved my goal.

Very true Steven , gambling for me used to be fun and controlled before the introduction of FOBT's in the bookies then my life was ruined.

Fobt's have a massive say in the life of a compulsive gambler , I am ok with the horses I can accept when my horse loses or on football when I have a near miss and very rarely would I have chased my losses but the FOBT took hold of me in a different way.

I realise I have to give them all up if in the end I am to beat this addiction.

You know it's strange how the mind works - can you remember the last time that you actually gambled and could also say you enjoyed it? I don't remember when that was, so you then ask yourself why you would continue to do something that you didn't enjoy? Why would anyone do that to themselves!?!?

I need to become thankful for what I have, rather than wishing for things that I don't have, or for a life that I can't have right now. I have my relative decent health, I work full time - this puts me in a good position - too often I look from the top down, and fail to appreciate what I have in life.

I can understand why people always want more, and not in a healthy way - our media is perpetuated by instant "celebrity", instant fame and instant wealth. I wouldn't want any of that, I'd just want to earn more, or have access to more money to try and better myself.... is this why I gamble? Am I searching for that get rich quick answer? It's not there.... it doesn't exist.

The next time I'm presented with a situation where I feel the urge to gamble, i'm going to go into my wallet and look at a picture of my family - I hope that having them look back at me in my hour of need will be enough to stop me.

It feels sometimes that I need to snap out of it and get back into the Game of Life - you know that dull feeling you get, when you can't be bothered doing anything - hints of depression creeping in... it's a haze sometimes, you could almost leave your body and see yourself standing there, virtually lifeless.

I don't know the reasons for getting all this off my chest and onto a screen that anyone can read, but I know that in the future, when I read it back, I will be able to bettr understand myself and my train of thought.

I've spent the majority of the day on here, and look forward to using the chat later.

Hi Ste_ven, well done 4 starting a diary, u will get lots of support here:)

There is so much more 2 life than gambling, but it is also easy 2 get caught in the vicious circle.

I think the photo in ur wallet is a gr8 idea 🙂

Stay strong 🙂

Thank you for posting on my diary ste_ven. I started out reading as many diaries as I could when I first joined (feels like years ago now but has only actually been a couple of weeks!), it began to give me an insight into what it is I'm up against. Hope all your reading is doing that for you too, knowledge is power as they say.

You said you're not sure if you want to stop gambling yet, I've been there, what would I do with out it?! Maybe just think about putting off the next gamble. Put it off until tomorrow. It's not as daunting as stopping forever just saying 'I'll do it tomorrow'.

I really hope you stay around, it's a good place to be.

Hi Ste_ven

Was good to meet in you chat. Thanks for your post on my diary.

I think you've already realised how much this site will help you during your recovery.

Keep posting, keep reading and try and put as many barriers in your way as possible.

I will be keeping an eye on your progress.

LMM

Steven,

Welcome to the forum. This will be the first step in taking control of your life again. Keeping a diary has really helped me in my recovery. I noticed from one of your previous posts the difference between some users losses i.e. 5 grand, 50 greand or 250 grand. My debt is at the lower scale but only because I seeked help early. I have went 86 days free of gambling and my life has turned around but if I hadn't found this site when I did I would have no doubt my debt could be 3 times as bad as it is now. I enjoy life now and enjoy the peace and happiness that brings.

I wish you well.

Tomso.

Thanks for posting on my diaries folks, I definitely intend to be back using this, maybe not every day, but if and when I get the urge I'll be back here to talk about it - about what brought it on, what I done about it, in an effort to learn more about myself.

I don't crave gambling every day - it comes on peaks and troughs for me. The peaks are usually focussed around payday, when I am most enabled to gamble. Then the period of kicking yourself while your down "why did you do it... again?!" "You know this is where you end up, every time." ensues, and the rest of the month is a struggle, trying to juggle what little I have left for the month, for getting to work, for getting a bus to town...

I've been very fortunate in that I have had family who have assisted me each month with a small amount, that gets paid back on payday, when I have needed it. I say fortunate... it may be fortunate at the time, but does it really help me? Does it really help me stop this underlying problem that I have?

I considered giving full control of my finances away - but I can't bring myself to do that, I'm not sure how well I would handle that on a day to day basis. I'm going to remain strong minded, create plenty of obstacles for myself - revisit old hobbies, look at starting new ones, even just get out walking more.

I can't remember the last time I had money in my account the day before payday, so here's the incentive for the coming month - any monies I have left, I will spend on me. I will spend on enjoying myself - whether that's £1 for a can of juice, or £10 for a t-shirt. The coming 2-3 months will be harder than normal due to the extra small loan I took out during last week, but I've punished myself enough already!! What's done is done.

I'm out for the majority of the day today - there will be no alcohol for me today, and no gambling either, in any form - i've decided that the lottery is finished for me now as well, because that is how it must be.

Steven hope u have a great day i sense your very determined which will help u a lot 2 arrest this dirty disease.

Stay focused and try and take it a day at a time.

This forum helps me a lot