Hi
I have been in the recovery program over 52 years, since 1969, I am a non religious person.
If I have not gambled since 1992 why attend meetings today, Is it to boast to people, no not at all, the truth I rarely mention my 30 years being clean.
Then why would I keep going to meetings? Is it vanity, no, do I have all the answers, not at all, often the new members teach me new things.
The truth is that the recovery program is a healing method, to heal the hurt inner child in e, that the pains of my past caused fears in me that I did not understand.
My lists of my fears were Fear of rejection and or abandonment, fear of telling the truth, fear of being accountable, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of being let down, fear of fear of humiliation, fear of loneliness, fear of the dentist, fear of the doctors, fear of injections, fear of betrayal, fear of disappointing people, fear of what people thought of me, fear of speaking up for myself, fear of being the victim, fear of aggression and confrontation, fear of letting people down, fear of validating myself, fear of taking a compliment, fear of the doctors, fear of the opposite s*x, fear of being committed, fear of Christmas, fear of Tax time, fear of writing my needs my wants and my goals, fear of writing down the pain and abuse I experienced in my life, fear of writing down injuries to my body, fear of writing down the emotional abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the physical abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the sexual abuse I experienced, fear of being myself, fear of my failings, fear of guilt shame regret remorse, fear of therapies, fear of being a loner, fear of setting boundaries, fear of having a voice to stand up for myself, fear of strangers, fear of healing my pains, fear of being a victim, fear of not making it, fear of people faces when they got to know me.
This list seems impossible looking at them in one lump.
Fear restricted me; fear froze me in the traumas of my past.
I took my worst fear, the 10 out of 10 and I asked myself what is the very worst that can happen.
Only once I was willing to accept the very worst that could happen would the level of my fears reduce.
How many times, how many years have we feared the Tax man, or the tax period, it is the same fear year after year, then I decide to put money in each month to cover payment to the tax man, which reduces my fears.
Then the reaction to the paper work and being accountable, I store all the data I have in a safe place, then each year just enter new date on paper work and fill it in and save it, give it a new name and I am up to date, it is fear of getting some wrong, this changes with practice and if I get wrong number incorrect there is one going to beat me it just gets corrected.
The same with finances for each item purchased, I type into Excel sheets and each month there is a page, I type in all bills, and of course save them it gives me confidence and there are no longer the fears of looking at the bank account each time.
The sad fact is that at one time I feared computers, I thought that I would break them, then what did I do I became a computer engineer. LOL.
All the time and work I did in my recovery I was the main beneficiary, before recovery I used to think I was selfish.
The simple truth is I was self-destructive, not the same thing.
Only when I became selfish would my recovery change.
The hard things I needed to face was procrastination, I needed to identify face and reduce my fears one by one.
When I said I was fine I was lying to myself and everyone else.
Over time I would reduce talking about money and gambling and I gave therapies, yet how do you learn to talk about your emotional vulnerabilities when you have learned to live fear so much of your life.
As I gave more honest therapies my fears reduced, I was even able to articulate my feelings and my emotions.
And in time I saw and felt my emotional vulnerabilities in other people, I would and see myself in other people.
And in time I would understand how to reduce my emotional triggers and my unhealthy reactions to people’s life and situations and change them into healthy interactions.
I use to feel very fear filled walking in to meeting from day one, today I feel very comfortable knowing people are willing to have a two way street interaction with me.
Often after meetings people want to talk more freely than ever before.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi Dave,
That's a long list of fears. I reckon mine would be pretty long, too, if I attempted one.
I agree with what you say, about taking one at a time. I was reminded of having worked through and overcome a lot of fears, as I read and have a lot of your old fears, still. It makes sense. I'd say I still feel full of fear but not as much as I used to be. Facing fears does help.
It's the one day at a time, method, isn't it? One day at a time, one fear at a time. Tipu tapu, small steps in the right direction.
thanks,
f x
Hi Freda
It certanlly a very long list of most of my fears.
Yet I do understand each fear reduced and faced increases my trust.
And as each fear is reduced I open up more and am able to ahve more healthy emotional intimacy with other people.
Yes by facing my fears I am far less disabled by my fears.
The only person I feared facing the most was my self.
Yes taking one day at a time is slow steady baby steps.
Like mountain climbers finding finding the safest way through my life.
Facing my fears helps reduce my un unhealthy procrastions also..
Yes the safest way small baby steps in the a healthy direction.
Thanks to you,
Dave L
@alireza
Hi Ali
Hi Dave,
THank you for comments on my postings.
Due to the pains of my past they caused fears in me that dissabled me from living a healthy life.
Invest much time and energy in your recovery.
Why be fearful of having a healthy life with out unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsesssions.
A healthy meeting will help you became more healthy in your self.
It was important for me to write down my needs and my wants and get as much done as I could.
I am here because I want to heal my pains ad become a much healthy person.
I am not willing to escape from myself, my feelings and my emotions.
I needed to get honest with my self.
I do not want running away in my fears any more.
Living a lonely fear filled life all alone.
You are not alone anymore in a healthy room of recovery.
Please Stay safe,
Dave L
Hi
Healing our hurt inner child is very important, emotional pain damage adversely affect our relationship with our self and others, fear of emotional intimacy indicates that we are starved of healthy realtionships in our life.
Unhealthy fears restrict us from having healthy lives.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
@alireza
Hi
Thank you for coming back to me.
The wording weaknesses and flaws.
I feel that we are not so much weak as emotionally vulnerable.
I accept that I was vulnerable and recovery is abaout healing our vulnerabilities.
I think our expereinces help us understand we are not flawed bad evil or no good we are just very unhealthy people who can become more healthier as we heal from the past and live healthier days in our future.
People walk in to the recovey program scared filled with pains, have lost faith and hope in them self.
The recovery program is like mountain climbers by being tied to others and we learn and become more aware we find much healthier paths in our lives today.
Often people will want to rush through the recovery program.
Our healing takes time and geater understanding of our selves.
In our sharing we get different perspectives as to how to live much healthier lives.
For me I needed to move from unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
It takes time to treat our self back to being healed and healthy once more.
Thank you for your feed back.
Love and peace to eveery one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
@alireza
Hi
In a recovery program our fears reduce, our trust grows, we start to move from unhealthy reactions towards people life and situations and we are abel to interact in much healthier ways.
By writing down each of my fears I am acknowledging them to my self.
As I reduce my fears there is less anxiety, less stress, and far less panicing.
The less we live in the more we can come out of our self and interact more with other people.
As we get more honest with our self we can get more honest with others.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA dave of Beckenham.
@gadaveuk i totally understand where you are coming from, the "triggers" are key element i have been to few different GA meetings and this has never been discussed being GF is not the issue it how you begin to understand yourself i have done CBT and that has helped i realised i had past truma which had never healed its not about refraining from Ga its about understanding your personal issues since my last relapse i feel 100% better then i was previously and i am greatful for my last relapse has it has changed me for the better i realised my purpose in life i want to give back to the world
Hi
Thank you for your comments.
Pains caused fears in me that I did not understand.
Therapies lead to my fears reducing and my trust growing.
As my fears reduced my intimacy increases with my sef and then with other people.
Recovery is a very slow healing process.
Yet as we get much healthier fears that use to limit me fade and I am able to get out more of my self.
Being a loner was not so much about being an addict it was more fear based.
Life is for living and having healthy realtionships with my self and other people.
Thank you again.
Dave L
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