i have never been here before

Hang in there, hon. We can't be positive every second - it's just normal to have some "down" days. Hopefully you are feeling much better by the time you read this, and that you've spoken to your family.

Love ya,

Anna

One down day, what a drama. I must be a cg. 🙂

love you Anna

Des xxx

Thank You

xxxxxxxx

I have 9 hours left at work then i will drive the 4 hours home to see my family. I, as usual have been away working for a week and im missing them. Its half term so we will go away for a few days.

Its been an amzing time, this last 14 weeks or so that i have not gambled for many reasons that i will go into in later posts. My wife was unsure when at first i told her that i did not need some of the safeguards we have set up any longer. I carry cash around and she is happy with that.

I took a break to phone my wife and ask her what she thinks to my statement , " i will never gamble again ".

I told her to be honest. She told me that she believes in me , and believes i mean what i say, and that she is there for me whatever happens but hopes i achieve for myself what i want.

I love that woman.

I used to have no hope.

Now i have everything to look forward to.

Des x

((((((des)))))))

I'm really happy for you. You have so much strength and i think i speak for a lot of people when i say you're an inspiration.

You've got a good wife there. Carry on loving her as you as it can only bring you both happiness!!

I guess you'll be back from your trip away with your family when you read this so i hope you had a good time. Where did ya go?

Hope to see ya soon have missed talkin to ya recently,

Alice x

Life is good

des xxx

HI Dess

I lost msn, now back on lost al conatcts I will add you and Kim toinight..Tried Safe Harbour a few times but you werent him, don`t tell me you were actually doing soem work lol..Hope teh wife and kids and you are on top of teh world

Take Care

Love

Lynn

xxx

4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4

You are unstoppable my friend.

i have finished with gambling but not near to finishing with addiction.

YET

Mornng Ds

YET - But you soon will be hun..

Msn back on, have been is Safe a few times but have missed you xx

Take Care

Love

Lynn

xxx

Im learning to smile.

Des xxx

My addictive voice is a faint echo of what it used to be.

The beast is determined but i have made a plan, a life plan and i am more determined than the beast. To be aware of how my beast will act puts me in control. Its been 4 months since i decided not to gamble or smoke and stop all other addictive behaviours.

Since then i have been generally happy and only a few times have i felt the lows of the beast trying to get me to gamble.

When i work away i stay with a CG. I got home from work after 8 am this morning and he was watching the Morning Line. Now i sat with him and had a cup of tea before i slept.

A horse was running called Denman. Its quite a spectacle to see a horse such as this one which is so bold and jumps so well.

My beast said " thats 5-1 "

I said " i know "

" well you have ВЈ500 in your pocket, have £200 on it and nobody need ever know ", so said the beast.

I laughed, " you dont know me at all, i would have to tell, win or lose "

" you could bet on the morning dogs too ", said the beast.

" ok ", i said " i am wiggling my little finger, now if you can do that Mr beast then i will gamble all my £500 "

The beast was silent then, he has no control. It is I who is in control.

I have waning anxiety about relapse, im happy with my big plan. My beast is happy about the possibility of relapse and scared of the big plan.

This knowledge makes me secure in my plan.

I have smoked my last cigarette

I have snorted my last line of coke

I have injected my last syringe of heroin

I have placed my last bet

To be continued

Des xx

power to your elbow ds, way to go

love

rusty

xx

(((Des)))

You are unstoppable, my friend...through good times and bad.

so so happy for you des 🙂

Life is good.

Love,

Peg

xo

At work last night i collected some money for holidays i did not take this year. There was ВЈ900 and it was all in ВЈ10 notes so i found an envelope to wrap £800 in.

Now when wrapped this parcel held a great attraction to me. I thought it was my Addictive Voice ( AV ) but i sort of brushed it off.

Did this money represent my freedom?

It pays for the house i live in with my family. When i was a gambler at my worst i never had anything.

I think it was my AV saying " Des , think of the fun you can have tomorrow. Think of the hit this money could give you. Its better than s*x. Its bigger than life, this is life."

In the afternoon when i awoke i came downstairs and C4 racing was on. I stay with a compulsive gambler when i am away from home working. He soon went out and i was alone and my mind was exploding with AV thoughts.

" gamble, gamble, gamble "

I felt weak, i was hungry too but i did not dare go out. Betting shops are everywhere.

I chatted briefly with a friend in msn on my phone but i kept getting booted. ( maybe hp was telling me to gamble )

Joke ---- i have no hp

I sort of argued with another by email. This sort of deflected my thoughts though it made me miserable. Im so glad she was there for me.

I phoned my wife and spoke to my two children and my baby. This helped.

I dont post in here much and only really when i need to. Sometimes i want to be a Holden caulfield ( catcher in the rye )character but i can only save myself and cut through my own b******t.

And i have made the big decision.

I will not gamble again.

i dont think it will be easy, its only approaching 6 months since i last gambled but i have had only 3 attacks of AV so its not so bad.

Well thanks this does not need to be read but this is my record for me.

life is good

xxx