i have never been here before

Reading the stories of desperation from partners of gambler's brings up the shame of who I am. My wife loves me and  some of my actions as a pathological gambler can only bring that feeling of shame, when I think back on them. It is her that has kept me the will to carry-on and try to live my life, even though I feel I am an incurable at times.

We met in a gambling rehab. She was a volunteer. She gave me hope, a life, a way out of despair ( which by the way admin, I am not in ). It was beyond belief, a million to one shot that I would find love.

It's been many days since I have not gambled but I have not stopped.

There was a time when I talked in gambling forums and had friendships with fellow addicts but now, apart from one relationship which is much more distant than it once was, I am alone here. 

Still with determination, always on the outside I think I am ready to stop.

Hi Des

I’ve just read through your diary. Wow you spent a long time away. I understand how you’re feeling right now. It’s not easy and I’m struggling with myself as well after a couple of horrible episodes. We have abstained before and can again. It’s a long hard process but as your earlier diary shows, life improves with abstinence. Keep going, get help, put blocks in place etc. There are still people on here who will support your recovery.

Thanks D+O.

It's been a long and torturous journey at times and you are right, abstinence means a better life for people like me. I know very little but that is an absolute.

Life is difficult enough and full of stresses without complicating it with something that literally descends me in to madness.

Maybe that's where I reside now, my normality after years of starting and stopping. It's time to believe it has happened to me. Reality.

There is a danger that if you are reading stories here that one day you maybe one of those who join the sad statistics of gamblers who end their lives unless you take action to avoid this fate.

There is so many more resources these days but a plan and a determination is needed too. 

If you have only sampled despair there is more to come, lots more and then even more just as you were thinking it can not get worse.

I'm a survivor, a fighter but my way has always been flawed. I'm still here, living loving but "I could have been a contender".

I robbed myself of much yet I still have so much. My wife, my children I love you forever.

If I have the choice then it makes me a very bad person as I'm not choosing what is good for myself and my family.

I feel sick and scared to hear the disappointment in her voice. She is everything to me yet I let us down.

I'm tired, dirty, unclean, undeserving of the love, not just felt but given.

The shame and the guilt are almost overwhelming despite being almost certain that this is how I would feel.

This can be a dangerous time for a compulsive gambler when the desire to gamble has a real challenge but I will be okay as I am fighting and have plans

I have to tighten up the "roadblocks", that are in place to stop the financial damage from gambling, yet again. I was aware of the flaws but as usual I am only taking action after a failure. Money wise it cost very little but it is another dagger to my brain.

Hi there 🙂 

You know that now is a good time to build those roadblocks you speak of and better still to make them watertight .  On the back of another loss or gambling binge we all go through a period of self loathing and wondering what next ? 

The thing we do have after such a period is time to reflect perhaps ? and time to put things in place should this happen again that will add safety and security . 

Shame and guilt go hand in hand with the choices we make and the path we choose to walk as a CG , we've all been there before many times and for many years ? , we move on my friend , lick our wound's and try again with no other choices . 

Wishing you peace . 

Alan  

What choice is there but to try again? Well we know that choice but that one which I have decided to forsake yet I am like Sisyphus forever condemned.

Hi Ricks,

Sorry to hear of your struggles. 

I understand that you are going through a very challenging time but have you considered where your beliefs and perceptions you have about yourself and your situation are taking your in terms of your emotions, actions and consequences? 

Posted by: ricks

What choice is there but to try again? Well we know that choice but that one which I have decided to forsake yet I am like Sisyphus forever condemned.

 

There's nothing like a huge boulder and a steep hill for a good workout , healthy body healthy mind ?? .

Might be worth a shot ?  

Posted by: Walliss77

Hi Ricks,

Sorry to hear of your struggles. 

I understand that you are going through a very challenging time but have you considered where your beliefs and perceptions you have about yourself and your situation are taking your in terms of your emotions, actions and consequences? 

yes. I have been a pathological gambler since I was a child and now I'm nearly 50.

Posted by: A 9

Posted by: ricks

What choice is there but to try again? Well we know that choice but that one which I have decided to forsake yet I am like Sisyphus forever condemned.

 

There's nothing like a huge boulder and a steep hill for a good workout , healthy body healthy mind ?? .

Might be worth a shot ?  

True absurdism is worth a shot 🙂

( I read your post hours earlier and it made me laugh )