I first joined two days ago with so much hope and determination to quit this evil addiction but sadly have spent the past two days gambling online. Havent spent a lot of money like usual but its still money i do not have to spend. I feel so empty and worthless, i dont get anything out of it anymore yet i cant stop myself from having that 'one last bet.' Ive spent an entire weekend glued to my phone and ignored what really matters to me. I feel sick at the thought of anyone finding out what ive become so really need this forum for the support i cant get anywhere else. Im sick and tired of the constant money worries, the sleepless nights, mood swings, heart constantly beating in my chest. When the hell did my life turn to this misery? Why do i do it? I have told so many lies for as long as I can remember that it has become normal. I have so many goals in life and despite the debt I now find myself in I know if I dont make a change now, once and for all I will lose everything. Tomorrow I am back at work and will be busy in the day time all week. The evenings are the hardest but before I go to bed I am going to write to 'to do' list of all the things to occupy myself with once the kids are in bed. I have tonight changed my internet settings on both phone and wifi so gambling sites cannot be accessed and have requested online a new basic bank account. Tomorrow will be my day one of no gambling, i just hope and pray that i can do this before its too late. I just want my life back and to feel 'normal' again and to be the best I can for my kids.
Claire, welcome to the site...
Like yourself, today is my Day 0.
Let's do this journey together. Building the days and feeling happier and proud of what we can and will achieve.
Forget the past. What has happened, has gone. We can't bring it back.
But what we can do is to control the future.
Like yourself, I have so many ambitions in life that are solely hampered by my gambling.
And like yourself, I've told nobody about it because I'm scared of the outcome.
Maybe in time I will have to say something to get that additional support. I'll see how that goes.
But for now, lets clock up some gamble free days and start to love ourselves again instead of hating what we've become.
It can be done! Are you with me?
Moorey x
Thanks Maybenow and Moorey. You are completely right about forgetting the past as what is done is done and we can only look forward. I feel quite anxious today and out of sorts, it is hard to explain really I just don't feel right. So glad the long weekend is over so I can have a focus at work as any spare time on my hands is dangerous. Today will be my day one of a gamble free life.
I havent gone into work today, just feel so down and tearful. Don't even have an urge to go online and throw money away just feel like i need a day to sort my head out before i face the world. I know as time goes on i will start to feel better, just cant believe the mess i have got myself into. Keep telling myself nobody has died and i have a future to look forward to and the debts can eventually be sorted. They cant take what i havent got. I suppose it just seems worse now in the short term as i have left myself with very little to live on so once i get through this next week or so things will seem a little easier. Thanks for everyones contined support. Dont know where i would be right now without the forum. I might not be able to tell anyone close to me but getting things out on here seems to make the weight on my shoulders that little bit lighter.
Keep your chin up. Things will improve if you continue to stay gamble free. Every minute that passes by is a minute further away from your last bet.
Keep the faith! 🙂
Moorey x
Hi Claire, just wanted to say good luck. Much of what you say is so true for me. I am now on day 10, tried last year and succumbed after 41 days but not this time. Gambling gets in your head and becomes so addictive that it takes over and you become on auto pilot. Take it bit by bit and celebrate small successes. I have also found reading the success stories helpful as sometimes it feels as though there is no end and reading from others who have also been in very dark places but come through is really helpful. Know what you mean about work being good. I even changed my working pattern from 3 full days to every day until school pick up so that I didn't have 2 days at home. People couldn't understand why but there's no way I could tell them. Be kind to yourself! xx
Thanks Annie and well done on your 10 days. I will take your advice and hopefully in the not too distant future it will be us writing our success stories. Been so up and down today, trying to keep busy whilst taking the odd moment to reflect on things and think about how I can overcome this god awful addiction. I know half of me would feel relief by telling my loved ones what is going on but I just cant seem to do it. The odd time over the last couple of days I have very nearly blurted it out but then stopped myself! What a brilliant idea swapping your working pattern to not give you the chance to slip up. I would normally be shipping the kids off to bed early on a school night but think will let them stay up later for the distraction. Atleast if I am not getting a minutes peace I wont be able to fall off the waggon! Very best of luck to you xx
I have also swapped my work pattern to my weakest times. Stay strong, I have not long pulled myself out of an 11 day depression, with high anxiety levels and panic over my thought pattern. I don't want to go back to that place. It's that feeling by of mental illness which is pushing no me to stop. I felt in a spin
Katie its horrible how this makes you feel, ive never been so up and down in my life. I start an evening class in Sept two nights a week in top of my current job and a family to look after so there should be no time left to fall off!! I ended up gambling a very small amount last night, i didnt even try and fight the urge i just did it. No win or anything just felt like i need to enjoy it one 'last time.' Silly i know. Today i have woke up feeling already better than i have in days and a new determination to finally get through my first full day being gamle free. I dont know whats different about today I suppose i just feel that little bit more positive. Going to draw what little cash I have left so there is no temptation after work to go online. Here's to day one...again.
Currently sat in the sunshine in the park before i go into work. Feel so calm and peaceful. I know it will be a long journey until i am out of this hell hole but despite having the odd gamble over the last couple of days, I finally feel ready to start as I mean to go on. For all those that are on the verge of falling off the wagon, just remeber that this life is way to short to spend another day devastated after yet another loss. The time it takes to get over a loss is time wasted with your loved ones and just living life. We cant turn back the clock but we can focus all our energy into beating this horrible addiction. My one goal for the day is to stay positive and i really feel like ive got this. Here's to day one of the rest of my life.
Sounds like the sunshine has helped a bit today Claire. Good luck with your new found resolve! I had a letter today offereing free spins and £1000 in bonuses with first 3 deposits - tore it up straight away so didn't have time to think about it. Keep going xx
Well done claireyy57... I joined a similar time and have read your posts so am very pleased you're sounding better today which is great news.. good luck with keeping it going ...
Thanks Annie well done on resising temptation. Danny how are you doing today? All was fine until the kids went to bed and i got an email saying i had 50 free spins. Tried to log on thinking it wouldnt let me as had put a gambling site restriction in place via my phone provider to then see it does not work!! Played the free spins then quickly closed the account before i had time to deposit any money Slightly disappointed that i even attempted to log on and did play the spins but pleased in a way that i did not part with any money and did the right thing in the end. Any advice for any thing i can download to prevent this happening again? I didn't get chance to withdraw the rest of my cash so will do so first thing tomorrow to prevent any further temptation. Will be spending the majority on a food shop so i have a little amount left in case i need anything until payday. Off work tomorrow with no kids but the plan is to finally sit and write down finances. Really been putting this off but i know I cant ignore forever and the sooner i start sorting things out the better. Thanks for taking the time to read my diary, it really does help. As silly as it sounds i dont want to let myself down but also the lovely people on here.
Hi claire.. well done on resisting playing any other than your free spins.. I know you feel disappointed you tried to log on and did the free but see that as a positive that you still resisted carrying on playing. Good day today have managed to leave alone again really has helped joining here and knowing it's not just me going through it. Well done again and hope you manage to sort a few things tomorrow think will be a good step for you to take
Hi Claire.
Thanks for posting on my diary .actually means a lot that I can give some hope to others. I've read your posts and understand totally what your going through. It seems like you are okay so long as you are keeping busy and that's really important in the early days - just doing something else -anything other than gambling just to take your mind away from it . I took up running (I'm not very good ha ha) but it helped a lot ,it could be seeing friends . Watching a new box-set anything - just try and break that cycle -get gambling out of your 24hrs . Obviously follow the advice to limit your access . E.g. Blocking yourself from sites . Not having the funds but early on just try and set yourself little goals - get through the day . Say 'today I will not gamble ' and try and make it through 24 hours . Then the weekend - then a week . You sound sensible and intelligent you know what your doing to yourself and you also know your better than this . Wishing you all the best and I like many others on here will be rooting for you .stay strong
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