I know this room, I've walked this floor

Hi ken

Welcome to the forum, I guess you have realised you are not alone, I and everyone on this forum have walked the floor hundreds of times and we are here to recover and help others if we can, you have defiantly come to the right place.

I have felt the pain of my addiction many times but today I made the right choice. I didn't gamble.

Take care and keep posting

Blondie

Hi there Ken

saw Leonard Cohen perform this song in London last month. was amazing live and can see the analogy you have made with gambling as well.

Two months is a brilliant start as you must know yourself and I hope you gain as much as you wish for from the forum, whether it be in voicing your own feelings or gaining views and support from others.

Strength and wishes to you.

xxx

I have had the day off work today and to be honest it was bit of a lazy day. I did, however spend some time with my youngest daughter, erected a wooden arch in the garden, put a coat of oil on my patio doors, repaired a damaged toilet seat in my girls' bathroom, made some delicious ginger cordial and have also made some pizza dough for the pizzas that I am about to bake. Two months ago I could easily have spent the entire day playing on line poker and in all probability would still be playing now. Reading all that back almost makes me cry, particularly as it is the lost time that saddens me the most.

Thanks for being here everyone, your company is greatly appreciated.

xxx

Hey sunbeam thankyou for your diary it is nice hearing you are making positive steps. I think you may have posted on one of my first entries a couple of months ago. Unfortunately I fell back into the gambling pit, but have shaken myself off and looking forward to being able to say I have reached 2 months... At the moment I will take one day at a time. Ps I agree re the song was brought up listening to Leonard Cohen, one of my favorite songs.... Take Care x

I am not sure why I have finally started a diary as I am generally a private person, but I think I like it.

My recent relapses into gambling have pushed me into the start of a dark hole that I have not experienced before. I s**t myself because I thought "next time I might not get out". That's why this has to be my time. Catch you tomorrow xx

Hi there, thanks for the post- yep lets hope it is for good this time for both of us, take care and keep strong x

Well, I am never going to post every day, but here I am a week later and doing so much more than just sitting gambling on my computer as the world passes by.

I went to GA for the first time in 3 months on Monday and actually felt like a legitimate member of the group for a change. I have been going on and off for a few years without being able to get any period of abstinence going. I told them what a massively big deal 2 months of not gambling is for me. I vow to go as often as I can now and hopefully give something back. We had a debate about when you can forgive yourself for the problems that our gambling causes. My personal view is that you need to forgive yourself to move on and you can forgive yourself the moment after you have placed your last ever bet. I am interested in what others think.

Thanks for reading and love and strength to everyone.

Ken

Can't be bothered to add much today so I am going to rather lazily cut and paste my reply to MickyK68's question, "What can I do with my spare time?"

Hi Micky

This is a great question. Gambling takes up so much mental and physical energy and so easily fills up the hours, days and weeks that when we give up, or are trying to give up, there is a huge void to fill. Here are two things for me that not only filled the time but also changed the way my brain worked or how I responded to how my brain worked, I'm not sure which.

The first was taking up rock climbing, there are some fantastic indoor facilities now and it is so much more fun than going to the gym. Rock climbers are some of the fittest people around and you will notice dramatic results really quickly. The second, and probably more profound in terms of re-educating my brain, was to study and take part in the Channel 4 program Countdown. As well as appealing to my competitive side, I believe teaching my brain a new skill turned me into a better thinker, (as opposed to a bettor thinker). The whole process took about a year and I still enjoy word puzzles, but not Scrabble.

I won't tell you how I got on at Countdown but it was a memorable experience and the journey certainly had additional benefits along the way, it was never about the final destination.

I am interested to hear how others have filled their time. I will add that when a neighbour comes round and needs a hand with something it is so nice to be able to get up and help them rather than saying "I would help you but I am in the middle of something right now".

I am the same as you in that I cannot go back to gambling, not because of heavy financial losses, but because I believe that I could honestly lose my sanity. Not a price I am prepared to pay. Keep up the good work Micky and I like the thread.

Ken

ps I have also spent some time with the St John Ambulance service and been able to put my first aid skills to good use in 2 real life situations. I reckon whatever floats your boat is a good starting point.

I cycle to work and back most days and about a month ago I decided on a different route which I thought was slightly quicker and more level. For the past few weeks I have taken this route to work every day and am happy that it saves me some time. That course is now set in my brain and I take that path without any conscious thought, every morning.

I realised today that despite the fact that I know this route to be superior, I still cycle home via the old route.

It goes to show that if you let your brain dictate the course that you will take and do not challenge it, you can easily end up on the wrong path.

And then I looked up at the sun

And I could see

Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me

And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun

And the way that gravity pulls on everyone, on everyone

No idea what it means, but another of my favourite songs.

I haven't put an entry into my diary for over a week, but hey, this is a marathon, not a sprint. I am cheating again as I have just copied and pasted my reply to lostlife, who I wish all the best with her recovery.

Here is something I wrote a while back, very soon after giving up gambling. I put down the words as they came to me and shared them that day at our GA meeting.

Gambling has been my crutch for many years. In times of stress, grief, despair, frustration, unrequited love, whatever, I could always lose myself in an afternoon or evening of gambling. I could forget my troubles and go to the dogs/horses/casino and escape my woes for a while. Gambling was my panacea, my coping mechanism. A days gambling would get my head straight and I could carry on until the next setback or trauma. It was like self-medicating; gambling was my Prozac, my "upper" - it was the only drug that I needed to cope with everything life threw at me: and then somewhere along the line, the mechanism that I relied on to cope with my problems became the cause of my problems. I'm not sure when this happened, but my crutch became the stick with which I would beat myself. What was once a distraction from my problems became the source of my problems and so the paradox of gambling to escape the problems caused by gambling began, I didn't even notice it happen.

Just for today, I will not gamble.

Hi Ken,

Very powerful words, thanks for sharing this as I'm sure everyone here will relate to it.

Have a great weekend.

Derek

This page will both chill you the bone and inspire:

I am addiction.

I start in small subtle ways promising many things.

I promise you enjoyment and pleasure beyond your wildest dreams.

I deliver guilt and despair more horrible than your worst nightmare.

I promise you power and courage.

I give you feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness.

I will force you to live in fear always.

I promise you relief and escape from all your daily problems.

I create for you greater problems than you ever have imagined.

I promise comfort, I will give you pain.

I promise happiness, I create much sorrow.

I am addiction!

I will steal from you; your self-dignity, your families, your friends,

your children, your home, your dreams, your spirit, your life.

For love, freedom and happiness are impossible to find in my presence.

So never underestimate me, I am devious and manipulating.

I have no preference as to who I pick as my victim;

rich or poor, young or old, black or white, yellow or red.

I have killed men, women and children.

I have no conscience.

So, if you have met me, Always Beware,

for if you think you can beat me and I will be gone from your life

and all will go well again, Never forget that I will always be there...

waiting in the dark shadows, just around the corner.

I am very patient.

And I will laugh in your face if I can lure you into my evil world

of hell on earth once again.

I Am Addiction

I am your friend. I hold out my hand and bring you faith.

I award you serenity and self-esteem.

I bestow upon you peace and acceptance.

I wrap you in love and tender the shield of knowledge.

I volunteer humility and shower you with confidence.

I bequeath spiritual growth, emotional advancement and physical revival.

I am your friend; I will lead you out of the darkness into the light.

I will carry you when you are weak and escort you through honesty.

I will provide tools for the battles and binding for your wounds.

I am your friend. I will teach you abstinence and release you from burden.

I will initiate forgiveness and I will foster willingness.

I will nurture ambition and claim back your life.

I am your friend.

My name is "Recovery."

Hi ken,

Thanks for dropping by even though you striped me of a little Scottish pride, you must be honest though we gave you guys a good game. Hopefully it will once again become a permanent fixture each year.

Thanks for sharing the poem I will be sure to paste it in my diary. I have promised myself to try and understand as much about this horrible problem as I can, therefore avoiding it returning to hauntmy life.

Keep fighting the good fight my friend 🙂

Derek

First post for a while but it's amazing how time flies when you're having fun and not gambling. The past couple of weeks have been very uplifting for me as I have finally got what GA is about. If you cut through the bull, it really is about trying to help people to give up problem gambling! Now I have got that, I can let the stuff that I find contentious wash over me more easily.

I have decided to enter into a Ulysses contract. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, I will give you an example: someone offers you a slice of cake; you think about it and say, "I will have a slice of cake, but I will go to the gym later for a couple of hours to work it off". That, my friends, is a Ulysses contract.

I can gamble whenever I like and in return I can screw my life up.

Good will to you all xx