I know this room, I've walked this floor

Hi another day, another thought.

I read somewhere that the human brain is 3lbs of the most complex material found in the whole of the universe, so trying to understand it is impossible; we can only hope to have some control over it. The gambling industry employs all the psychological influences possible to get the attention of our brains and instil the habits that will make it want to come back for more. As complex as it is the brain will often take the path of least resistance, after all it doesn't want to work any harder than it has to. Life can be lived on auto pilot or we can stop, question our brain and decide for ourself what we should do. People can be scared of a harmless spider; why? Because their brains tell them to be scared, not because of any real threat. Gambling is a habit, our brains like habit because it uses up less effort. Take control of your brain, make the effort, break the habit and enjoy a more fulfilling, enjoyable, honest and healthy life without gambling.

I wish you all well.

Ken

I have just stolen this from "favourite posts", I like it a lot.

It is crucial not to take responsibility for the occurrence of the urge, but only your response to it. It is normal for any addict to experience urges, and just because on Sunday you decide to stop does not mean that on Monday you will not have urges. The fact that urges occur does not indicate that your motivation is weak, but that your addiction is strong. Because all habits have unconscious components, of which the urge is one, it will take time for these to die away. What is within your control, however, is how you respond to the urge. An analogy could be made to someone knocking at your front door. All sorts of individuals might knock at your door, but it is up to you to decide with whom you will talk. Their knocking is not your responsibility, but to what extent you choose to speak with them is.

Just stealing stuff and putting it in my diary now:

If you always think how you have always thought

Then you will always feel how you always felt

If you always feel how you always felt

Then you will always do what you have always done

If you always do what you have always done

Then you will always get what you have always got

If you always get what you always got

Then you will always think how you always thought

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES

I love this one and would like to shake the author by the hand:

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its blunders, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only; one day - TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities - yesterday and tomorrow - that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad - it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

And finally, my last act of plagiarism for today:

When i joined this forum in 2005 there were just a few members, and i like those few had come looking for answers; Not answers about an ever growing gambling problem,or how i had lost everything on the turn of a card, or even how my family had threatened to leave me if i didn't stop. Answers as to how someone, anyone, could sink into the depths of despair over something that's supposed to be fun? That's how it all started, not for me , but someone close, a good friend, the best of friends, you know the kind that picks you up when your having a bad day, the one who makes you laugh till your stomach hurts, the one who's secrets you keep with you always.

What started out as a bit of fun turned into just that, a secret, but not one of those that i promised to keep, but a secret not to be shared.

Soon part of the secret revealed it's self, "THE BIG LOVE AFFAIR"

But not in the normal sense, no, this affair was between a man and a machine.A big chunk of metal with flashing lights, and a big open "mouth" into which it was "fed".

It was a greedy machine, not only did it take every penny earnt by my friend, it took away so so much more than that.

First it was his sense of humour, then the smile that had shone like a beacon for 15 years of my life,then slowly but surely the very soul of my friend was gone, till all that was left was, this robotic person that was unaware of anything and everything that was going on in the "real world".

Yes, we were the best of friends, did i try to help him?

In all honesty, i was jealous, yes JEALOUS, of a bloody machine.

Sure i pleaded , begged even for him to stop feeding this already obese machine, to stop filling the already overflowing coffers of the bookie, and on the few occasions i managed to drag him away for a swift half in the pub it was like being in the company of a zombie.

I knew that he was longing to go back to "her" even though "she" was destroying him.

Selfishly this wasn't about him or "her" it was all about ME ME ME.

The good times had stopped rolling, I wanted to have fun, I wanted my friend back, and I wasn't prepared to compete with a MACHINE!

For two long years this continued, the friend i had known , that was always turned out well, was no more, in his place stood a man that didnt bother to wash, shave, and sometimes even eat.The other friends he had, were by now long gone, his family struggling day on day, week on week to make ends meet.

March 2nd 2004

This is one of those days that will stay with me FOREVER.

He stood on the same spot where he had stood for the last 2 years,

when funds would allow, and placed what was to become his last £5 into "her" in the blink of an eye it was gone.

He sank like a rag doll, screaming and crying uncontrolably, i tried to comfort him, to get him to see that he needed help.

His words?

"No one understands, and nobody cares anyway"

He turned and looked at me, and just for a split second i saw the person he used to be.

I never saw him again, March 4th 2004 the Fire Brigade were picking up the bits of his broken body from the underground.

What a screwed up world we live in!

Adults that think it is okay to sexually abuse children! Politicians who believe that the answer to violence is more violence! Doctors who happily prescribe dangerous medication to people who just need a friendly face and advice! Drug companies that falsify research so that they can make billions and give false hope to the needy! A gambling industry that does all in it's power to deprive people of as much of their money, assets and credit in the shortest possible time! People who live in opulence, while others die for the sake of a few morsels. An uncaring world of corruption, extortion, embezzlement, exploitation, greed.

f*** me, I'm in a good mood today!

Love to you all xx

Last night, I don't know why, but I decided to play on a fruit machine. After over 100 days of not gambling, I was so disappointed with myself, that I then smoked a cigarette for the first time in over 25 years. I was devastated because I was convinced that I would never gamble again, that I could never gamble again, because of where it might take me.

I woke up this morning with that dreadful feeling of what did I do last night? I felt completely deflated. I checked my mouth for that morning smokers taste and feel and it wasn't there! I suddenly felt elated, it had all been a dream. What a feeling of relief!

So I am still gamble free, I am pleased to say, and I wouldn't mind a dream like that every now and then just to remind me how grateful I am for that fact.

xx

I have now passed the 5 month point in my new life and here are some of my musings.

1)I have ultimate power and control over whether or not I gamble again. I would have to make a conscious decision to gamble. If I make that decision then I have no control as to where that will take me. I used gambling as an escape from stress or negative emotional states and not only did it add to those problems, it also took a lot of my time and a bit of my pride and my dignity. I am a better person now both for myself and others.

2) Getting drunk, fighting, vandalism, theft, smoking, marijuana, promiscuity: these are all things that I have done when younger and grown out of. I am proud of none of them, but equally none of them are diseases. I can now add gambling to this list.

3) I have had a tempestuous relationship with GA. They help some, but very few, certainly not enough. Get into the 21st Century for goodness sake.

4) I have been released from prison and will not be returning.

5) Nothing changes if nothing changes

6) Don't dwell on what has passed away or what has yet to be.

These may not be the most insightful musings, but I reserve the right to add to or edit them from time to time until they become a work of supreme genius.

What a s**t day I have had today. Got a letter in the post this morning saying that I had lost my job. Nothing like it to shake you out of the Christmas reverie.

I have been nearly seven months without gambling and I reckon I can make up for my lost job by gambling again; should be easy enough to earn enough to get by on. Hopefully I will never need a job again because all my dreams can come true if I just gamble sensibly....ONLY JOKING!!

Luckily, those seven months have not been wasted and I realise how much better life is without gambling. I have no desire to return to my old ways. Life can be f*****g s**t anytime, but it's a hell of a lot worse if you try to hide away in a cocoon of gambling and substitute escape for reality.

Today is not good but it will get better and my only urges are to dust myself down and get up fighting.

Ken

I haven't posted since two days after Christmas when I received a letter sacking me from my job. I appealed and have had a real battle but am pleased to report that they have admitted that I was wrongfully dismissed and have now reinstated me and paid me in full for the time that I was off. I feel that I should be celebrating but find myself feeling bitter about the ordeal that I have been forced to endure.

On a positive note I don't believe that I would have had the same outcome if I was still gambling. Not gambling has given me the time, commitment and perspicacity to tackle my problems head on rather than ignoring them and distracting myself with a destructive pastime. I can't really remember the me before gambling because it was over 40 years ago, but I know that the me now is a far better person than the me of 9 months ago when I last gambled. It was Cheltenham this week and I will always love the spectacle of the 'Horse Olympics'. Every penny that I spent this week was either budgeted for or money that I chose to spend on real things. I enjoyed the racing for the event that it was, without the dreams and nightmares of previous years.

I am just three weeks away from being a year gamble free and the honesty of my position is that I know I will achieve the year and then two, three, four....It might sound a bit cocky but it isn't the amount of time that is significant, it is the profound change that I have noticed in myself, just because I haven't gambled. I have spent my entire adult life gambling and my brain was conditioned for that lifestyle, I lived my life primarily on autopilot, reacting to my instincts, not questioning my actions. My brain now works on a different level, it has literally been reprogrammed and I am the master of my thoughts and my destiny. I try hard to help others through GA and feel their pain and despair because I know that I could so easily be still stuck in that cycle myself.

This forum was a good source of support for me in the early days when I was striving to find new pastimes and activities to keep my focus away from gambling and for that support I am immensely grateful.

Love and peace of mind to you all.

Ken