Okay, this is going to be more of a rant. I'd just type my thoughts as they come and forgive me if this piece isn't cohesive because I am angry right now and I'm just typing whatever comes into my head right now.
I am disappointed in myself because for the one millionth time, I gambled again!! Like how do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again even when I know that I would lose. If I were not a gambler myself, I'd think all gamblers were extremely silly people.
I am here because I am genuinely scared, I feel trapped, helpless and hopeless. I know the solution to my problem, we all do. Then why is it so hard to simply just stop! I feel like my own body is failing me, I wish there was an off switch!!
If I always be in this state of anger, maybe then I'd have stopped a long time ago, but I am gonna sleep tonight, most likely still angry, but I'd be ready again to gamble again tomorrow, well that's if I can find anyone to borrow me money cos I owe everyone I know. I really shouldn't be in this position if i managed my money better.
Here I am, 24 (some a month and few weeks to my 25th birthday), scared as I think into the future and wonder if I am ever gonna stop, wondering if things would go back to normal for me, back to the time when I was a happy child with so much prospects and hope for what the future holds for me.
It's the festive season, I really should be with my family, but I am too ashamed to be amongst them, the loser of the family, the shame bringer. Instead, I am here wondering if it's possible to ever stop, wondering on the things that could have been: money lost, friendships lost, opportunities lost, peace of mind lost, reputation lost.
How can one person be so stupid like I am for over 10 years! 10 whole years, isn't that enough time for someone who regards himself as smart and logical to have stopped gambling?!
I have gambled with my pocket money, tuition money, hostel accommodation money and borrowed from all of my friends while in school. All those experiences and suffering and i just could not bring myself to stop.
Now I am out of school, working, still a gambler, my salary doesn't stay with me for up to 30 minutes before its all gone. I know I am gonna lose but I still do it annyway.
I am thinking to the time i stopped for 2 months, actually, 1 month and about 2 or 3 weeks, back in April and it was the first time i lived in 10 years. I came into some unexpected money in that period, settled all my debts and I had savings, bought some new clothes, ate good food, ate what i wanted, some girls even started liking me cos i looked like i had my life in order.
And suddenly the thought came, "You have everything figured out and life is good, why don't you try one more bet, this time you're in control and you can walk away anytime you like". I feel for that lie, my own thoughts betrayed me.
Now I am in more debt, broke and would have to work the whole 12 months of next year paying debts! What sort of life is this, the year hasn't even begun, yet i know all my salary for next year is going to paying debts already, and thats if i don't touch a dime out of it. But i gotta eat, pay for internet and other personal bills.
I just want to know, is it possible to stop? tell me the truth, can I really stop, cos it's better to end it now than to continue in this mess for the rest of my life.
Its funny how i dont drink, smoke, because I know those things are no good for me and the decision not to do those things came as a no-brainer, but gambling, I just become so stupid incapable of making decisions that should rather be simple!
My family probably thinks i do this on purpose, like i can stop if i really wanted to, but i just choose not to, and my sweet mom is worried, her sweet last child is wasting her life away and there is nothing she can do about it.
I am gonna try to start over again tomorrow and come up with a payback plan that doesnt involve 100% of my salary. I could get help from my parents but for how long are they gonna keep bailing me out? I genuinely want to suffer, maybe the lesson would stick this time and i would be wiser and not gamble again like an idiot.
Alright, tomorrow is day one. I really must make something of myself in this one life that I have to live.
I start over again tomorrow. I must make something of myself, I am not gonna let al these potential go to waste. I swear, i can be much more!
Dear Ade,
Thank you for your extremely raw and honest post on the Gam Care forum. It does not sound like you are UK based so you may find information on immediate support more relevant here:
https://www.gamblingtherapy.org/
however you are of course welcome to continue to keep accessing the forums for support as you need.
I wish you all the very best,
Helen
Forum Admin
Hi Ade
Sorry to see your going through this horrible addiction. Have you tried gamstop you can apply to block gambling websites. Also a site called self exclusion there is a number on there site to phone. You can self exclude from bookies in your area or you can add to areas you visit.
I hope you stay safe.
Jade X
No position is ever to bad to get out of if you face the reality, and it's never useless trying again even if you have failed in the past. It sounds like you are facing the reality. A couple of things that I'd advise off the top of my head:
Engage with help - keep posting on here, pick up the phone to the gamcare line, be disciplined with it, choose regular times and stick to them, even if you feel ok and would rather avoid it, the alternative is way worse.
Early in your message I paused, what made me pause to think was you recognising the potential you had as a child. That leads to the other best piece of advice I can give you, make targets in general life, ambitious targets, play the guitar, or work related goal, or change of career if talents lie elsewhere, or simply build up to run 5k regular, something that will push you and give you extra motivation to stop gambling for good or climb back on if you ever fall off the horse again.
Good Luck, oh and lastly when you are ready I would show close family members your post and the replies, difficult I know but well worth doing!
Morning, I hope you are feeling calmer today.
I, with others, know how you feel right now. Angry, dissapointmemt, worry and the thought that gambling more will solve the problem but honestly it won't.
Having read your post I think the first step it to really make a decision of stopping gambling for good. If so then please sign up. To gamstop install blocking software and freezing transactions through your bank? Also self exclude wherever you can in person.
You say you owe a lot of money to people... These people. Who. Are. Close to you you should consider sitting down with them. And being. Honest about your gambling. Its scary, don't know how they will. React however there's a strong. Chance they may be surprised but they will be understanding and it will. Help them. Understand you. T. They might be understanding about your debts and accept smaller payments.
You can and will. Recover financially. When you gamble you sometimes don't. Keep track of what you are loosing and the thought of not gambling again makes you feel like. You'll never recover. You'll be surprised. When. You start to have money left over.
I'm currently going through CBT and it really opens up your eyes to gambling and your relationship with it can change.
I really hope you will find the support through these comments and the strength to quit this for good. You sound like you got some. Strength there by admitting this is a problem.
Stay safe and good luck
Rich
Hi there,
Hopefully you are still ready to change,we are all here to support you!
When I was reading your story-it was like part of my life ,similar behaviour patterns..I never had any addictions,I could never understand how people could loose money and do it over and over again...till it happened to me.I spent over 11years to come to conclusion that I cannot live like this anymore where I count hours from 1game to another,where I go to the shop with my overdraft maxed out and I cannot buy some basic products to eat.It was so humiliating.
The journey will not be easy,but It can be done.There are so many success stories.You are still very young and you can treat this as very important lesson.
I’m 65days GF with 1small slip in between.I do miss playing my favourite game-but I prefer much more the minimising debt on my account,the fact I do not lie,I sleep much better etc.
it’s really worth it to install Gamstop and live your life.
all the best?
You are 25. Oh, how I wish I was 25 again.
Let's have a look at a comparison - I am double your age and although I am enjoying getting so close to my first year of being gamble-free for around 20 years, my long-term prognosis remains very weak. I have a 12-year target set in place where I can finally hope to see myself living somewhere that I deserve to, salary- and work ethic-wise.
The question is... do you want to find yourself in my position when you are 50? Trust me, you don't. You have the chance to change your life for the better and now is a brilliant time to do so, especially with a new year on the horizon.
Yes, it will be very difficult, make no bones about this. But by coming on here and being honest about what you have done, you have made the first steps towards the recovery of the rest of your life.
I hope that this comparison has helped you with your desire to change your life for the better.
Best wishes,
NT2020
Thank you all for taking time out to respond. Thanks for the support.
So, I guess yesterday was day 1 for me in this recovery journey, even though I feel like I didn't gamble because I am dead broke. My mind cannot shut up about that fact, my own subconscious is mocking me, lol. Even worse is the fact that I kept checking my phone all day to see if a notification alert would come in for this month's salary, I swear, it crossed my mind to gamble with it if it came, sick!
I am scared for when I receive my pay, most likely before christmas, I hope i don't squander it.
Anyways, away from the negatives, I was able to be productive at work today (or yesterday, because its a new day where I am) and it felt good after being depressed all through last week.
Again, thank you all for the support. I hope I conquer this addiction this time.
@ade hope alone won't do it. What you do is so much more powerful than what you say.
If you spent yesterday looking for an alert to let you know your wages had been paid to you and you thought you might even gamble, that's exactly what you would do. If you told someone and stopped yourself having access to your money, that's an action that could help you.
If you took this time to sign up to Gamstop and Moses, that's two blocks put in place. That's action that could help you.
If you contacted your bank and put on a gambling ban or switched to one which has one, that's an action that could help you.
If you find a GA meeting tonight that's on, even if it's an hours drive, find it and attend. That's an action that would help you.
Hope and actions.
Chris.
@ade hope alone won't do it. What you do is so much more powerful than what you say.
If you spent yesterday looking for an alert to let you know your wages had been paid to you and you thought you might even gamble, that's exactly what you would do. If you told someone and stopped yourself having access to your money, that's an action that could help you.
If you took this time to sign up to Gamstop and Moses, that's two blocks put in place. That's action that could help you.
If you contacted your bank and put on a gambling ban or switched to one which has one, that's an action that could help you.
If you find a GA meeting tonight that's on, even if it's an hours drive, find it and attend. That's an action that would help you.
Hope and actions.
Chris.
You're right Chris, I sure did not want to take action.
I feel somewhat a hypocrite cos immediately after my last post, I decided to download a movie. The movie site redirects to so many ads before you're finally able to download the movie......and you guessed right, of course gambling sites are part of the sites you get redirected to.
I swear, immediately the website opened, i closed it, but i reopened it again and signed up. I did not get to depositing because of you know what, no money. But I fantasized about having money and playing those money-sucking virtual games and even scanned the available games to pick the one I'd play so once my salary comes in, I'd just deposit and gamble right away! This all happened in the early hours of today (past midnight), about 30 minutes after my post.
I slept and woke up today, and decided to read other people's story, I even had the guts to comment on two people's post. Imagine the effrontery from me! In my defence though, i really thought about closing the newly opened gambling account i opened (I saw a self exclusion feature on the site when i opened the account), but I didn't, I kept reading on reading though.
"When my November wages hit my bank, I thought like I usually do that I needed to win some money so that I would have enough to pay all my bills, debt and be able to eat. However, as usual I lost every last penny. "
This quote above from someone's post hit so hard i couldn't bring myself to deny this was gonna be the inevitable end for me. As i type, I am not done reading the post that i copied the quote from, on getting to that part though (the quote), I logged in to the newly opened account and closed it!!
Hurray! Big win for me I must say.
I know I should really get gamstop like you adviced, but my pay this month cannot cover the bill (because its going to paying back debt to people I owe). Heck, it (not having enough money to cover bills and do other things) was part of the reasons I stupidly gave before opening the new account.
Anyways, I'd be fine, let me get back to finishing that post and do some other meaningful work today.
I just hope I keep making right decisions.
Update On how its going on Day 2,
I have been totally thinking of gambling. My mind keeps telling me I can double or 'three-ple', 'four-ple' my salary when it comes in. I hope science figures out a way for humans to have an off switch to turn off stupid thoughts.
So, I have some personal things to take care of: feeding money, money for toiletries, transportation money e.t.c, this would take my whole pay. If I take care of this need, then I have no money to pay people I owe for this month.
On the other hand, I have people that I have kind of promised to pay at the end of this month, and it would take twice my salary to pay them. Note: I still have tons of people and loan apps to pay, but I shifted theirs to next year in my repayment plan.
Lastly, I still want to subscribe to gamblock.
Here lies the dilemma, i have things that would take x3 and one third of my salary to fix, and there is only one salary. Its why the gambling thought has been lingering as the solution. Thing is, in past times, it has worked sometimes, that is if I manage to payout on time. No my mind keeps saying, "Ade, all we have to do is payout on time and pay these bills and people just like old times".
d**n, subconscious, would you keep quiet already!
I hope I make the right decision.
@ade If I'm right in saying you've been gambling for 10 years, is it any wonder that you're having thoughts about it after 1 day? If you take it one day at a time you'll start seeing some distance between you and a bet, but the harder you make it for yourself the harder it will be.
I will offer some advice through my own experience though and you can take it or not.
Talk to the people you owe money to. Talk to your parents, partner too if you have one. Make a budget, put yourself first for food, rent, travel, essentials. Then pay back pro rata those you owe. If you try and win it you will not. You win today you lose in the long run. You lose today you make a problem into a bigger problem.
If I could have stopped at the small problem I wouldn't have made it a thousand times worse. For me it has never gotten better by gambling, but it has by talking to those around me.
As I said take it or leave it, but I was your age once and I never took it. More fool me.
Good luck
Chris.
Okay, I am here again. whew!!
So I got my salary and lost 60% of it, which I knew I was gonna lose anyways.
I do have good news though, I am ready to stop now, I really am. The first step I took to that effect was opening up to my siblings, and everyone is super furious because its not the first or seventh time or 100th time. I told them of my struggle and the huge amount I owe right now. I pleaded with them to help me with my debts and I drew a repayment plan that i'd use in paying them back, this may run for 14 months.
Second thing I did was to go to all my banks, change the email I receive alerts on to a newly created email, and I shared the email address and password with all my siblings, so they get alerts of money coming in and out of the account. I also changed the mobile number to one of my siblings number (you can only have one number).
I also told them about Gamban, i suggested getting a year subscription which is approx. 25 pounds. They are all P****d, all three of them and they have not said anything for now about helping with my debts or giving me any money at all. But I pretty sure even if they don't help with the debt, they would help with the 25 pounds gamban subscription.
I was depressed and fell ill over the past few days thinking about the debts I owe and the seemingly insurmountable task of paying back debts and starting over again, but then, if i decide to start this journey now or not, !4 months would surely pass by anyways, so its up to me to decide if I want to be in a better place then or stick stuck in abject poverty (gambling is a sure gateway to that).
I am really hopeful of the coming months and I am looking forward to the new year.
I have also started thinking of ways to talk to people I owe, in case my siblings do not help and I have to do this on my own (which I totally deserve by the way). It sucks to have to open up about this to people whose respect I think I have earned for them to have trusted me with the amounts they borrowed me, but its better to face this 'shame' now if it helps me get better.
I also checked out GA meetings nearby and I found one, although they are closed now, they said they'd be open first week of January.
Congratulations to me as Day 1 has officially begun!!
I say no to poverty and unnecessary suffering. It sucks that profit matter more to these people (bookmakers and casino owners) than the pain they know would come as a result of the false hope and false entertainment they 'offer'. Well, its a dog eats dog world.
@ade If I'm right in saying you've been gambling for 10 years, is it any wonder that you're having thoughts about it after 1 day? If you take it one day at a time you'll start seeing some distance between you and a bet, but the harder you make it for yourself the harder it will be.
I will offer some advice through my own experience though and you can take it or not.
Talk to the people you owe money to. Talk to your parents, partner too if you have one. Make a budget, put yourself first for food, rent, travel, essentials. Then pay back pro rata those you owe. If you try and win it you will not. You win today you lose in the long run. You lose today you make a problem into a bigger problem.
If I could have stopped at the small problem I wouldn't have made it a thousand times worse. For me it has never gotten better by gambling, but it has by talking to those around me.
As I said take it or leave it, but I was your age once and I never took it. More fool me.
Good luck
Chris.
Thank you for your useful advice. thank you so much. I have taken some action in the right direction. thanks for the support.
I might be wrong Ade but think you can get Gamban installed free through GamCare. If you contact them they will advise you anyway.
Wishing you every success in stopping gambling.
Aum
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