I want my life back Diary

hello and welcome. i, as you, am a compulsive gambler that just started on this site. been battling with this addiction for a long time. as yourself, i didnt use to gamble everyday. but when i gambled i lost big. then struggled, worked hard to make up for what i lost. you took the first step, admitting you have a problem. dont think of what you've lost anymore, think of what you'll gain from not gambling. think that you are lucky to still have a supporting gf, you arent in any debt. what you've lost, is lost. it will never come back. you cant change the past, but u can always change your future.try to clear your mind of the negative thoughts, i know its not easy. everyone here takes it one day at the time. everyday not gambling is a big win. keep posting all your thoughts. i wish i would have more advice, but i'm just like you. starting with baby steps. read as many stories as you can, thats what i do. helps me seeing how it affects everyone's life and makes me stronger. it wont be an easy road but if you really want it, you'll get through this.

Hello Myfreedom

Well done for posting, to do this for the first time is incredibly brave and a massive step forward.

You have poured a lot out emotionally into your post as I remember doing as well, it felt like such a weight had been lifted but I felt a little vulnerable too.

You have certainly been on that rollercoaster of life and welcome to this site as you have many other fellow passengers.

We haven't been through exactly the same life as each other but ther are many common traits and feelings and we can empathise without judging.

You have had a tough life even at only 28 years old but you have given yourself a real chance now to rebuild. That money has gone now, you will undoubtedly feel regret as we all do but I am afraid it can never be recuperated. Look forward to the future now that you can regain for yourself.

By handing over that amount to your girlfrind you have been strong. You sound really determined to give this a go and that is so important.

Keep reading and posting, there are many here to help.

Paulds

Thank you for your replies. This is day two of my journey of regaining my life back, as at this moment I do not feel like living much. What I feel most is pain, misery and guilt. I have to say that I've been reading lots of stories, here at gamcare and other places as well over the past few years. I have come to the conclusion that the best way to start treating this problem is by forgiving ourselves (not a proper way of saying it because most of the time there is nothing to forgivem it is not our fault - many external factors, family issues, childhood problems etc influence our subconscious and therefore our actions). Yes, I do believe it is the best point to start from, forgiving ourselves, getting rid of the guilt, it is not necessary and neither it helps us in any way. Along with removing my feelings of guilt , I feel the second most important thing to do is forgetting about the money lost, the time lost and all the "how it all could have been" if I did not gamble. There is no point for me to hold on to these memories any longer, yes, I am certain that part of the reasons I have continued to gamble through all these years is because of all the memories linked together, all the negative memories of my loses.

I have finally hit rock bottom, I am there. What is the point to even think of the past any longer? The very moment I keep reminding myself of my loses, i feel a strange sensation similar to the urge to gamble, it comes from within my subconscious that is still telling me there is a way to recover what was lost. There is a way of course, but if I chose that way I will continue to risk my life, the chances of recovering the amounts I've lost, in sums of hundreds of thousands is almost similar to winning the lottery, where this chance comes once in millions of lifes, we only have one life here as far as I am aware of, but still beliving there is a chance of recovering the money lost is a pure lie we hold on to, because every time we have recovered a small percentage of that sum, it all went back into gambling to further chase the other remaining amount. Winning back the whole amount would most certainly make us feel as we are clean, there is no problem whatsoever, which again is a big lie most of us have kept on for long. Winning a big amount, all the money lost or even more will only make us gamble more and more. No, I am certain the amounts lost, are lost and never to come back, and thought about.

I've had periods of times when I thought I could still stop, and I did but only until I've earned a little more money so I could gamble again. This money was money that I got my hands on. I believe its an important factor that we should not have access to any money while in recovery. To my understanding it is the same as thing as an alcoholic holding on to few bottles of drink and left alone surounded by these bottles. I do not see any difference. The alcoholic would most certainly start drinking if he is at his start of recovery. Once we start healing we will regain the stenght and responsability to hold on to our finances.

I have experiences what I've mentioned above too many times in my life therefore I have no more doubts. I've read and heard of people with worse stories, hitting rock bottom several times and still continued to gamble because they simply could, they had access to the drug (money). No money - no gambling. There is no need for me to suffer because I stay away from an activity that is harming myself, why would I even feel pain for not gambling? There is no reason. The only thing it has ever done to me is cause me pain, depression, made me lose my self esteem and what not. It never has bought anything good into my life.

I have many times believed through the years that I do not have a problem, as many of you I am sure also have felt. Those were the times I've had no access to my money, being held by other people that I trusted to do so, this was my mother and a friend who I on many ocassions have conviced to give my money for different pourposes, most of the times it was pure lies again. It all went into gambling. Make sure the person that is holding on to your money will not give you the money no matter what pressures you might try to make upon them, and if you really need the money for a reason whatever it might be (except gambling) do ask the people in case that are holding on to your money to come along with you to solve your problem. After all these years I've been gambling I finally come to conclusions that are so real, they feel so certain for me that there is almost no doubt in the way a recovery should be like. I recognize at this point there is no way for me to hold on to any money any more for a long period of time, until I am fully recovered.

I plan to speak to my girlfriend, my mom or any other person that will be helping me with my finances in the future every time I will be receiving a pay several days before the payment comes. It is another important thing for a compulsive gambler of my type. Building trust with myself regarding this problem means to me recognizing this is a very serious problem, and no money is to be kept by me until recovery. I feel this is a very important point. I've fooled myself too many times. There are people that can access their subconscious, maybe those people can control parts of their addiction, but I am not that person. My conscious mind is blinded by my subconscious, how could I control it if I do not have access the the subconscious?

Day two has just started and I feel this is my first real rock bottom, after losing my only property. It is a big loss for me. I've lost my business so far, but it is recoverable, a property and many others are also recoverable, but there is no need in losing any more of these. It is never too late for a change.

ex

Worse than ever. Have hit second rock bottom.. the worse ever. Relapsed lost another 10k$. Still no debts. Not planing on making any. Just starting over. Finished my relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years. I am certain she has pulled me into all this mess making me suffer without her consent. She has a condition I suspect, not sure at the moment what it is but I do have some suspicions for a long time. I feel a lot better now, it is a relief.

Will continue posting with my progress.

Not one bet ever!

I woke up this morning, after waking up several times during the night, only to feel the pain of actually being alive. I have had these feelings for many years, especially during gambling hangovers but also when my business was not running well.

What I feel when I wake up is I wished I could remain in my sleep, which is far more comfortable than living in this miserable, painful life I've gotten myself into. I have been depressed for many years for periods of times I somehow managed to cope with it or even recover partially, due to positive results in my bussiness which have built my self esteem back to an almost normal state. Could this mean that I am simply turning my back on life? I do not want to live any longer? I cannot say for sure, and to be honest I do not know what I am feeling any longer.

Came back from the casino last night with a remaining on average 4.5k$ ... Handed it over to my mother which had no clue I have had a gambling spree for the past few days, once again. As a caring mother she has spoken nicely to me and said only positive things, but it did not give me any type of relief... I cannot feel the help received from others any longer, not my mom, not my gf , my therapist nobody. I have a feeling nobody understands my pain truly. I have a feeling everyone looks at my issues regarding my self destructive behavior as being something not that serious and totally manageable in an easy way, when all I can see is a very dark part of my life turning on me, and no escape.

Ever since I've sold my property I have felt a more positive attitude deep inside me thinking the money received (45k$) will be a fresh start into recovering my health and getting on with my life, my business.

I today can swear, from the bottom of my heart that the positive attitude was only temporary, and all it was inside my subconscious was the idea that with this money There is still a chance to recover my loses. How can this be possible? I've been reading so many stories on this board, I have gathered so much knowledge about this addiction, yet nothing has helped me even consider staying away from betting for a period of time to reflect on the situation.

The worst thoughts that have haunted me during the past 2 years, while most money was lost have been my inability to work properly again because of my damaged physical health, and loss of concentration, creativity. All these go along with the other health issues I have. Going through 3 major surgeries so far and planning a 4th witch was supposed to happen this month or next month... Yet I still did not care about all these real health problems ... To try to do something about them all I cared about was to start on my work again, recover my gambling loses and start earning Money, Money, Money... Why all this when I always felt the weakness of my body, my mental health.. None of these were possible from many points of view. I should have taken care first of what was really important and not things that were basically insignificant without being healthy first.

The only diagnosis I have ever received are depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. I realize all these things that I posted here yet I have not chosen to do the right thing. I know what is right for me but refuse to do. Do I want to kill myself? I've got some family history in this direction Do I want to kill myself and do not have the courage to do so, trying to do it slowly?

I ask this because most of the actions, important part of my behavior over the past 5 years proves so. Self destructive in a big way. Not many have noticed this behavior because I mostly hidden things, and have not exteriorized my feelings, my thoughts, believing it would shock people, or they would not understand. My dream has always been to save enough money to have enough to go around without worrying about financial issues, just because of my disease, one that gives me constant pain and very bad periods of times, when I am not able to do mostly anything. I was dreaming and I have managed to save... But every time things got tough and I somehow realized the money is not enough to guarantee my survival over an estimated 30/40 years remaining I gambled, never stopped until everything was gone. This time I do not plan to start building up again in the same manner, I feel it is impossible, would be suicide, not just self destruct, considering my health condition after the many gambling loses and restarting building up, has worsened and honestly I do not even care any more... I do not care if tomorrow I will have no money for food I will probably find a way to procure it. The only thing that I want now would be to have the peace of mind I once had... Over 200k lost in the past 3 years.. All this money could have been enough for 20 years of living costs. I try to forget but it seems it will not be as easy as I imagined.

Things do get worse as with any other addiction I am certain now. I have no more limits to the way I bet and treat things. The 10k$ lost last night was lost under 30 minutes in a manic way, betting on the grotesque slots, 50$ a hand playing on 3 machines...

Thank you reading, I do hope I could find some help here, I don't see a way out at the moment, just lying in bed reading and posting.

Please do give me an advice I so long wait for some opinions on my situation.

Thank you

Yo,

You seem to be going through a really really tough time at the moment .

Maybe small achievements would help, could you not self cancel at the casino you were at last night .

Maybe block your computer , but as I think you said you work in it maybe that's not an option .

Do you have a GA meeting near where you live .

I did a month in rehab maybe you could consider that .

You just sound so desperate , you are right in the fact that you say the money's gone , accepting that is really difficult . But once we do I think life becomes easier .

Like so many on this site , my addiction effected my mental health more than anything else . Slowly very slowly it's improving , but I got a lot of help , think the turning point came when I realised that I could not do it on my own.

Please please see, that although you feel that no one understands you , there are lots of people on this site who do, I remember waking up day after day wishing I had not . Waking up so disappointed that I had woken up at all.

It gets better my friend , truly it does , with help and taking it one day at a time . Life does improve ...

Take care , be kind to yourself ..

Shiny xxx

Hi... Keep writing friend, keep writing. You are clearly a highly intelligent analytical fella as are many people who use this site. From what you say you are already highly self-aware and the seeds of your own recovery are within you. Your gambling merely masks your own unhappiness whilst you are in action.

Come to terms with your past come to terms with your health issues, try not to worry too much about the future, live life in the here and now.. one day at a time. Stay connected. Onwards to better times... S.A

guess everyone has them lows your feeling when we loose so much. guess ya just gotta step back and breath some good deep breaths. i know ive tried what feels like a million times to quit and yeah i keep falling on my face. guess this addiction dont win till we give up. yeah and i think ive given up plenty of times thinking i can never win. deep down we know we gotta keep up the fight and we do.

HI,

You must feel like your going round and round in circles, Repeat untill you hit rock bottom.

Everyones rock bottom is different so is everyones recovery and abstience from gambling what you cant do is keep doing what your doing because its not working there is a saying, "If nothing changes, Nothing changes".

Change something, get some help from the doctor maybe ? Go to GA maybe ? Speak to an online counceller maybe ? Confide in a friend family maybe ?

I decided when i reached my rock bottom that I would do whatever it takes to quit and i have and i continue to do that, you have to do it in bite size small pieces but you have to do something.

You have showm to yourself that you are powerless over gambling... Get some help you dont have to do this on your own.

I wish you strength and determination to take that next step i cant promise you it will be easy but i can promise you it will be worth it.

Take care

Blondie

Thank you for all the replies, it really lifted up my mood a little bit to read them, since they come from people like you that hav gone through similar situations.

My curiosity at the moment, been thinking and done a bit of reading today, I cannot seem to find any story quite simlar to mine, to gambling habits. So my situation is as follows, I live in a country where the average wage is 400$, living costs well above this sum, say around 600$ to live a fairly poor life. God has given me the strengh, power and knowledge to start doing something on my own that has led me to earning well over what most people earn around my place. To be exact more than 10 times on average monthly. Have always been with economies, saving my money, but always have gambled, well at least since I was 13. Things just have become worse and worse as time went by, but what could have been in my mind all these years, just saving the money to eventually blow it in a matter of hours... This last gambling session has not been longer than around 6 hours alltogether to blow all my life savings away, after selling my only property.

I am not living on the streets at the moment, thank god I still have a caring mother that would not allow that to happen, but this does not make any sense. I have not yet read a single story similar to my gambling habits.. It's frightening.

Last night, I've lost as I mentioned a little over 10k$,out of 15k$, my remaining funds after selling my propery. I am due to go through a rough surgery coming months, actually I should have made an appointment until now, but I just didn't feel like I was strong enough prepared mentally for it..and yet I gamble 50$ spins in a matter of under an hour until I am left with 5k$ in my pocket and then run scared home to suffer for my loss.

What I really don't understand is after so many losses of this type (hit and run) .. Losing lots , until broke in a very short time I still have not learned my lesson. Could I possibly been thinking last night I still have a chance to win over 300k$, money lost in the past few years?? I cannot believe this version...

I have rarely gambled small sums, and wagered smaller bets, years ago when all the addiction was not so bad.. Ever since the start of 2010 I don't remember a many times I have wagered anything but the maximum bet on a d**n slot, and always thinking there should have existed machines with a lot higher bet to be actually be able to win a realistic sum, closer to the amount I have previously lost. Isn't it crazy?

Over this summer in another gambling spree I have started even thinking not in a very serious way, but close to it, that I should not have a negative attitude towards the d**n machines.. I used to swear in my mind and sometimes with low voice, so I could not be heard.. But ideas kept coming to my mind that I should have a good attitude when gambling in order for the machines to pay. Crazy... I am a beliver in God as the universe, and all the universal energies theories, therefore I was probably thinking good attitude brings good results ... Crazy... Gambling in the manner I have has never been a good attitude towards myself which is part of this universe ..

Have I gone mad brothers and sisters?

I will be seeing a psychiatrist again soon, even though I have tried several anti depressants which I have quit taking because of the side effects etc. I am currently only taking some anxiety medication which I believe without I would have felt terrible, ten fold worse..

Sorry for my english, it is not my first language, and also sorry if I detail things too much, I feel as if I'm posting all these feelings, I will have a relief and might as well help many others.

Today I have not gambled.

Stay strong everyone

hi there. i feel your pain. reading your story i could recognise myself. i am also a compulsive gambler. i've also been gambling for many years in the manner that you described, hit and run.

every lost determined me even more that next time it will be better. before i left for a gambling session i used to ask myself, what if you lose again? then just before entering the bookies or casino, used to tell myself the same thing, you have to have positive thoughts, otherwise if you fear losing the money you will lose for sure. i dont care about the money i lost. its the damage that it has done to my mental health, my self esteem, my social life. gambling made me lose the love of my life, even though i'm not too sure she felt the same. i read many stories here about the parteners of compulsive gamblers and i dont find myself in any of them. of course i was always irritable, depressed but i always made sure she had everything she wanted, supported her in everything she wanted to do. i used to gamble, losing big sums but never going into debt. being with her stopped me in a way from going overboard and mad. when she left, i went mad, and just like you lost over 30k in 2 weeks. i thought i've hit rock bottom as 15k was borrowed. i didnt. i stayed indoors for 2 weeks, in a vegetating state, sleeping a lot, feeling the same pain when waking up. i just wished i could sleep till i would be healed. after 2 weeks, i felt a bit better and a bit more confident. which only made me lose another 12 k. at that point i was seriously contemplating to end it all. what is the point? why should you struggle? working days&nights, little business on the side if all that money goes down the drain? i'll never be happy, nobody would want to stay with me. i know the guilt, shame, the worthlessness that you must feel right now.all the thoughts that go through your head at lightspeed. how you cant concentrate, simple things like going to get a glass of water and the u get in the kitchen and u forget what u went there for. it still happens to me everyday.you feel so lonely cause nobody seems to understand what you are going through, and so tired, you dont have the energy to do anything. but i decided that being just a statistic on a bit of paper is not enough. after february this year, i decided to give it one more shot. the road is not easy, believe me. i slipped 3-4 times, and everytime was worst that the other. gamblers are very intelligent people.

people with skills, people that do make money. if it wasnt true, i dont think any gambler could say i lost 5 grand, 10 grand...they wouldnt have had that money to lose. i've always been told, you have to do this yourself. nobody can help you, but yourself. that was my ex talking. in a way she was right. in the way that you must want to do it. you do need help and you're in the right place. the fact that u can talk about how you feel to people that go through the same things and understand the pain, without trying to judge you for me is a big help. its only my 4th day here, but i feel that i know everyone here. take it one day at a time. most important thing is to realise that u have to leave the past in the past and look to the future. i cant say that i've fully done that as it is hard, very hard. second, try and find the underlying reasons that you go gambling. you done well to come here, to give all your money to your mum. doesnt matter which country you are from. i live in uk but i'm not originaly from here. you could be in the pourest country in the world and still lose a million in a day if you are a compulsive gambler and you have the money. if you;re ready to start the first day of your new life, start counting. one day at a time. i'm here everyday. so is everybody else. welcome to our family. we are addicts ,we understand and we have to stick together. good luck my brother.

well guess the most i ever lost was 2,000 in a night and yeah that was quite the blow for me. guess i aint high in wages in the money i make either and make about 23 a hour which gives me about 50,000 a year. guess it dont really matter what we make its more that we dont live with in our means.

Andrei, you are right. I have the same feeling no matter what money was lost, my biggest loss is actually my health, especially my mental health which.

Today is just day 2 after my last loss, and I cant still pull myself together. I hava a feeling of emptiness and hopelesness that I cannot describe, all I feel I want to do is just stay in bed and try to sleep, though I can;t possible sleep the whole day, I would just to forget everything.

I for long have not been able to work any longer, maybe 5 months since I have properly worked, or had any real motivation to start working. I've just gone broke several times these year, ever since May or June I;ve been contemplating on selling my property finding reasons for doing so, like I need money to treat my addiction, I need money for health issues, continuing my business and so forth. But the fact was that there have been people around me that were offering to lend me money and I could have had enough without selling my house.

All I wanted to do is further gamble.. to continue chasing my losses, deep inside me thinking I could still do.

It is not possible...never I will recover my money from gambling!

I have such a bad feeling even passing by a gambling place, I never felt before so powerful. It simply makes me feel sick.

Day 2 ..still sleeping to recover. hopefully soon I will pull myself together and be able to get some apropriate help again.

Andrei, you have lost your love of your life. I have too, I am sure, but I wonder if its lost if it really was the love of my life...

Thank you all

Stay trong day 3 coming for me ..

Hi there. Hopefully u feel a bit better today. I know it took me a couple of months to get a little bit better. I hope u won't do the same mistake and see everything as doom and gloom for so long. Maybe u're right my ex. But the feeling that it has ended because of my gambling combined with the emptiness that took over my soul makes me feel things that probably I shouldn't feel. Maybe if we would've broken up in different circumstances wouldn't have been as bad. Anyway. Try and fill your day with things that u like, used to like and gambling took them away. Staying in bed will only make u more depressed. The more u get depressed the more u'll feel like there's no escape. I used to stay in bed and watch cartoons to cheer me up. And I'm 34!!! Take care and hope to hear from u soon!!!