Another day has yet began, the gambling hangover has not gotten any better at this point, I am simply not able to think much about what I have to do, to recover from this state of mind. I am commited to quitting smoking, been wanting to do so for years.
I came to a point where I smoke up to 50 cigarettes in a day, chain smoking them like there is no tomorrow. I see this quit as a relief from all the tension gambling, losing my house, and all the other issues have caused me. At least I can do some changes while I manage to put myself back together.
Qutting smoking after 15 years will not be easy but I must definatelly to it for my health, I am not supposed to smoke after all, this will only improve my overall health.
My biggest concern at the moment, is losing my gf Andrei.. it felt like it was true love for me, maybe it was not, we had up and downs in our relationship, but overall we were getting along well together. What I cannot stand is as you've said, losing not a gf but a person, because of these d**n electronic machines which have only bought pain into our souls. She still wants to help, sais she will go out with me, take me around her gym classes, go around with me to doctors anyting it takes for me to recover. Can't believe how strong it affects me when hearing all these things after I've let her down so much.
She has been very distant from me for a long time, but now I sometimes think that she might have had a reason, the gambling, the tension inside me, the fact that I was always acusing her of not spending time with me, when in reality she was only pulling her self away from me, probably not being able to see me suffer so much. She has begged me not to sell my house several times, has told me to go to therapies, I've always replied in a manner that was not normal. I was refusing any kind of help, because I could simply not accept the fact that this girl that I've long ago helped her get out of her troubles, and she seemed so helpless at that point, now is offering me help? How can this be? How did I become so weak to actually be in the position to get help from her, and be treated like a child, after having so much control over my life, I was on the point to marry her, had my own place invited her to live in with me, it was not possible because of her parrents and some other issues. I kept acusing her she does not want me, and she is just taking our relationship as fun.
These machines has simply destroyed my life, losing over 100k$ this year, oh Andrei this is the worst thing that could have happned in my whole life, altogether all the money lost, that I've earnt in more than 5 years, have been earnt with a lot of sweat and long hours, all my energy drained just to come to a point where I have nothing to show for. No house, no money, no nothing ... I know we all feel like losers, after all this is what we are at this point, we lost, but what did we lose? We lost money. Well I will consider this money lost a tax for my own weaknesses, my stupidity sometimes maybe, a tax we pay for being emotional broke and a background in our lives that has affected our way of thinking in such a manner that has made us go onto this self destructive path which of course has to have an end if we want to continue on living. Without hitting rock bottom, without hiting our heads onto a wall, we can never wake up!
This time I've hit myself by a wall so hard that I woke up quit a lot and start to think things more clearly about what has happened.
I've concentrate so much on earning money, I was living the dream (anyone who is working online - affiliate maketing for the past 5 years and have had some success can relate). I was hoping for that huge successful project that will set me financial free for the rest of my life, but it never came. You know why? Because of gambling, most of the capital I've had for further investing was put into gambling because the gambling demon would not let me go my way, was controling me. I could have had so much success and probably investing everything i earned back into my projects would have led me to a big financial freedom. I have screwed it all up, and I am in a way Happy for doing so earlier better than later when the proportions of all this misery might have been a disaster.
I will start working again, once I feel more emotional secure, and can get my inner strengh build up back. But until then I will just try to find some peace, a period of time I will sleep more, relax more, take walks and hopefully fine some activities to fulfill my time.
Andrei, if you would like to chat some time, is there any instant messenger you use that I could contact you on? Would love to talk to you and share experiences, thoughts as we go along tis path of recovery.
God help us
Day 4 gamble free, no more bets ever!
Stay strong everyone
Hi there. Happy to see that you are still focused on quitting. And good luck on quitting those nasty devil's sticks. I do around 40-50 a day too. God knows why I think they help. It's good that she's trying to help. Consider yourself lucky. Mine just left. She did ofer to help and came around for a couple of months to see how I was doing, but she soon stopped as I was too depressed, lonely and broken to see that may be she was putting a hand out there. I blamed her of a lot of things. As you I've tried to help her the best I could and offered her everything I could. We lived together for the best part of our relationship, but she always felt distant, which always gave me doubts. But i think it was just me who was pushing her away as I was getting deeper and deeper into the grips of gambling. Whenever she used to come to see me I always thought she came out of pity. I'll never know as now she's got a new life, trying to make it on her own back. Dont push that hand away and be too proud to accept help. I dont think it's out of pity. And don't force her to feel what she felt before. It'll only push her away. U have to earn that trust back. It might never come back. But u have to give it ur best shot. That doesn't mean that u have to bend over and take any cr** that people throw at you. In times like this is when you find your real friends. Dont let this break u like it has broken me. If you lose all trust in yourself you'll just be a shadow of your former self and you'll never like what u see in the mirror. Stay strong my friend.
Today was really tough. I believe the hangover after this last loss will last for a while. I trully am comitted to putting a stop to all this pain.
I've had way too many hangovers, I can't remember at all .. but most of them have been "small" hangovers in my first years of gambling. The last 7 or 8 have been have been significanti ones and have lasted for weeks and even months.
Today as I was lying in bed all sorts of thoughts came to my mind, related to the losses of course, but especially to the the fact that I cannot forgive myself because I could have stopped and not lost my last thing I owned, my property... and also my gf.. she is still around (but in a funny way she keeps very distant and I have to say I quite understand her this time, she might be trying to defend herself from all this misery.. She is afraid of going downhill along with me, but to be honest if she only has given me more credit things would have been different. She has allways been the anxious type.) I am a strong character and believe I will pass through this period successfully and never go back to one single bet ever, this hangover, my emotions, everything is so painful I will remeber it for the rest of my life just as a bad business. A d**n bankrupcy, this is what it all is. It started all with just a bit of fun, and by the time I was 13 I was already feeling the rush, the only problem back then was that I did not have money to gamble, and the sums lost were not as big, to actually chase.
I am proud of myself I finally realize, and feel deep inside my soul that I am aware there is no way to ever get back my losses and ever win a single penny! I am proud of this brothers!
I started today to look for a psychiatrist to treat my depression, which I have long forgotten to look after, masking it with overloaded work, chain smoking and gambling.. I ended up getting myself some natural remedy for the depression, which is very promissing.
Stay strong everyone!
Andrei I would appreciate it a lot if you could post an instant messager ID so we can chat if you'd like to.
I was wondering if we could have a private message system in place so we can get ni touch with each other privately on this board. I would really appreaciate it, and I think many here could use such a feature.
ex
Just woke up an hour ago, with a terrible feeling of emptiness. I've put too much hope and part of my inner strengh in money itself, that when I'm left without I feel totally lost.
I more than anything miss my girlfriend which I have not met for a few days, and I keep on waiking up to dreams regarding her, annoying dreams, things such as she is with another person, she is pushing me away, not wanting me anymore, these thoughts have been real for months now. I felt her distancing from me for a long time, and I am pretty sure it is for months because of gambling..
Time to change. Today is yet another day I put all my strengh into recovery. First of all my mental health, feeling very low now..
How could I not? Lost everything I owned in a matter of hours.. will take a bit of hangover and recovery.
Keep strong everyone!
Half the day has almost passed and I've tried a few times to get some rest, I feel like sleeping, but every time I wake up with a very anxious feeling, like being scared.
I dream things that make me feel guilty.
Still standing strong, but I consider taking a trip to a mental hospital for some treatment of some sort. I simply cannot calm down. I have a feeling I want to do something to change my situation this moment. Have feelings of doing harm to myself but nothing serious..
This morning my girlfriend promissed to call me, she hasn't still called and I messaged her, she said we can meet later in the afternoon. I at this moment have nobody to talk to.. this community is a real support for me.
Hi there. Just read your last post. I know the feeling. Still get that feeling that everything is lost, that there's no hope, no reason to fight for myself. And you feel so lonely. Used to read my ex's Facebook page and she was having fun, going out all the time, meeting new people. And that used to depress me even more. But whenever I get that feeling I think of people with problems bigger than mine. Like those who lost everything to floods, tsunami, earthquakes... They carried on. If everybody would've given in to those feelings of dispair and acted on those self harm feelings, maybe half of us would be gone. I understand the pain, i felt it do many times and I wouldn't judge anyone that would act on those feelings but I think we should be stronger than that. And when we will recover from all the damage that we've done to ourselves, I think we'll enjoy life twice as much as others. We'll try and make up for the time we lost. Do t wait for her to call you. I done that. Waiting for anyone to call me. But who'd wanna talk with someone do depressed? So low? They do a couple of times, but everyone has their on life and stuff to worry about. So pick yourself up, dust yourself and start walking. Only you can do this. Nothing anyone would say will make you feel better. You don't want your gf to come and see you or go out with you out of pity, do you? I know at times I just wanted her around, didn't matter what was the reason. But it wouldn't be fair on her. The start is hard, but you have to start doing something. Staying in bed all the time won't help you at all. I know you have health problems, but walking, fresh air, helps with everything. If it only gets your appetite back it's still a start, as I didn't eat for weeks. You are a strong person. What if you would've list everything in an earthquake and you didn't have insurance...anything? And you wouldn't have had not even the bed that you stay in all day???? What would you do then ? Let's go, *** on son...we need to get our life back. Self pity won't get you anything.
Thank you Andrei for your kind encouraging words. It is so painful for me sometimes I might over speak things, but this is the only way I feel I can discharge the emotions that have taken over my life. I started feeling like living another life, an life that not real, so ugly, I have no way of describing my feelings.
Maybe if I wasn't already suffering of depression things would have been easier but now this last loss hit me like never before. I cannot put a d**n smile on my face, a few days have passed and I feel the pain increasing...
I am going to be more active these days on the forum and keeping strong, I promised to myself I will go through this there is no other way. I've read worse stories than mine here.. and I can only say the people who have lost their homes, their loved ones.. are true warriors! You guys and gals should go in the middle of the street and yell out as hard as you can that you have achived the greatest thing in your lifes, you have won yourselfs back, you've been reborn!
As for myself.. I am dead.. or at least half dead I can still feel my body, but my soul is completely dead, empty. Congratulate yourselfs winners! This is trully the worst demon I have ever came upon. I'm only 28 but I've gone through hell several times, father died when I was young, but not too young to not understand, I've had several surgeries and seen death before my eyes, but never have felt real HELL on earth. Yes this is what I am living at this point. And I don't know why, why it is so terrible? Am I just scared? I feel like I will never be able to work my way up again, all I think about is this I will not be able to go once more thourhg all the years I've gone through, the hard work I've done to earn myself a living, a place, and everything else that I fed to the devil.
I've lost my dignity, my courage, my peace ..everything.. but I will regain it no matter what!
This is day 5 gamble free.. d**n I even hate this word but I must hate it, I must learn to hate it. Please bare with me dear members of this community I am writting all this with a lot of sorrow in my soul, whoever reads this I pray to God is forever cured of this d**n disease that doesn't go away until it puts you to the ground and hits you the hardest way possible, unless you kill it in the early stages (this is specialy for people that have not gambled for long and haven't been infected as much. It is time to stop friends! Stop now before it starts spreading!) I have never in my entire life have lost so much in one year, now even my love.. the true and only true love of my life is distancing away.. can see her fading.. and I give her all the rights, no I will not blame her anymore, she might have not helped me in a way I wished she could, she has not done the things I wanted her to do, but she has done what was possible to to in her circumstances!
Today I've been wandering around the whole day, taking advantage of the nice weather that soon will be gone, and the long cold days will show up for several months. I have had a feeling of such an emptiness that I cannot describe, but also for the first time in a long period of time I have realised what this demon has done to me, I trully feel it.
Day 6 on its way, tomorrow I'm going to attend my therapy and also get in touch with a shrink to get a different treatment hopefully it will put me back on track a little!
One other thing that I have come to realise these past days is that I must learn to be thankful to God for what I have (Yes Andrei that works sometimes for me as well, I think of all those people that are in worse situations) .. I have never been thankful to God and life in general for what I had, and always wanted more, pushed the force button to self destruct myself in many ways, too much work, too much stress, too much gambling and too much greed. I could have lived a way better life with less I had this opportunity, but felt I was invincible and could work all those long hours that have turned into a nightmare, pushing me away from relationships, family and forgetting about myself for some d**n money !
I pray to God so he forgives me for the greed, this is the one thing I trully realise about this addiction called gambling, of course it has many other factors especially the fact that when I was a child I always was in some way made feel guilty, and I do remember many times being punished for things I did not do. And what did I do then? Did the little mistakes every child does, but quite a few to be honest, just to do something to really feel I am guilty for a reason! Since then I have always had this feeling of being guilty, and I do believe this has had a major impact on my gambling habbit! I do only with God forgives me for the greed again, but other factors that have contributed to this addiction I did not have control over.
At least it is over, I can feel it from the bottom of my heart! I never ever want to go through this kind of feelings ever in my life !
Andrei, JamesP and all the others that have been posting on my threads here I thank you all for your kind support.
ex
Hello everyone, this is day #6 gamble free for me. I woke up with a lot of thoughts in my head as usual. Woke up very anxious after not smoking for quite a while, I rushed to the gas station bought myself a pack and just didn't stop until I emptied half of it, 10 cigs in about an hour! This will stop, the damage I am doing to myself will stop!
I am so mad these days I don't recognize myself any more.. I keep on reading here, posting and am comitted to stopping this d**n addiction! I still have urges to gamble after blowing away 40,000$ in just 3 days after selling the only property i owned! How crazy can this be? Just a few minutes ago again the urge came and I was thinking to go looking around the house for the remaining money which I am pretty sure my mom has hidden somewhere.. to just go and have one more shot with the 4k$ or so.. how crazy can this go? I will not go and gamble! I refuse to even gamble 1 cent, even though I would never have ever spinner the reels for 1 cent.. I will never gamble again in my life it has broken me into pieces and I pray to God I will be able to put myself back together after all this mess.. this is the only thing I want at this point. No more winnings, no more rush, no more adrenaline of this type ever! I am going onwards and upwards ..even though I am terribly depressed and all that I will fight ! I will not give in as I've always done and ended up in the same place.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein
Am I insane? No.. I strongly believe I am not..therefore this must stop.
Stay strong everyone
ex
Totally down today. Woke up a little better but went quickly in the same state of depression. I think this will be a tough road to cross..
I wonder when the thoughts will pass away.. the wounds are still open, not even a week since I've lost everything I had, my hard work, 5 years of hard work. When will they pass? This is unbearable at the moment..
Hello. Sorry to see you're still feeling down. I know from my experience that nothing anyone would say would take the pain away or would make you feel any better. Till I was ready to feel a bit better, I felt everyday like you did. For a long time. So the more you will try to push yourself to feel better, the sooner you'll do. Take care.
hi MF
Just to say I am reading and it reminds me a lot of the early days of my own first diary...
I think it is great that you use your own diary as a way to get your feelings out.I did this a lot and still do as a form of therepy sometimes posting every hour on really bad days,.
For me it was/is a life saver and I learned that even though people may not write all the time, they are still reading.
Sometimes when we are in the thick of emotions as in real life,people dont know what to say...but be sure your diary will be being read.
keep posting as it is doing you good My freedom.
R and D xx
Thank you everyone for your kind replies.. I am starting to undestand this addiction has really eaten me alive, and left me teared up.
I can't pull myself together at the moment, I am not even able to get out much to take care of the ordinary daily errands.. I don't know if anybody has felt this way, I would like to chat to so many of you here on this board, but there is no option for us to send private messages, or can we post some chat id's ?
I am in terrible pain still, don't eat, totally depressed and afraid that I cannot recover from all of this.
If anybody could relate losing lifetime savings, 100k$ maybe only this year alone, losing house, work all gone, gf running away.. how long will this take to cure, to make me even start wanting to do something formyself, I feel like I do want but feel hopeless... I have to recognize I have been many times negative towards different aspects of my life...
Hi... I can imagine how you must be feeling. I have no answers other than to stay gamble free and keep busy doing stuff even if its just a bit of cleaning and tidying up. Sometimes the practical can be quite therapeutic. As can a long walk in the fresh air and change of scenery.. help to lift the mood if only for a hour or two.
My experince is that as gambling free time builds up I have a slight shift in perspective and become better able to cope with stuff. Onwards my friend, onwards and forwards... S.A 🙂
S.A., thank you my friend for your reply, to be honest your opinion is the only one that stands out, has a real meaning to me at the moment, a powerful one!
Being gamble free, in time will regain my confidence and strenght the same way gambling has taken them from me. It makes total sense. Not one bet ever !
Been reading your diary S.A. truly inspiring. I am happy for you !
Stay strong everyone
ex
I woke up this morning a little better, more optimistic. All kinds of thoughts came to my mind lately, I see it as a sign of awakening, an awakening from the dark world of gambling, of living hazardously. From the moment I started losing big, a around 3 years ago, I've been stuck in a terrible pain, constant pain of recouping my loses, haven't been thinking much about other things besides work. FInally this year, the pain has worsened so much, the loses grew bigger, my life has turned into a mess because of many factors, I finally realize, come to a deeper understanding of this whole problem called gambling. The way I see things at the moment are as follows :
1. The more I lost, the more I put myself and any other thing/aspect of my life on a secondary place after gambling.
2. The more I lost, the more I desired to recoup my loses.
3. The more I lost, the idea recouping my money became more real.
4. The more I lost, the more I played, losing my temper, had done no thinking while gambling. (gambled drunk, even lost lots of money probably been fooled by casino staff etc.)
5. The more I lost, the bigger the false impression I will hit the jackpot became.
6. The more I lost, the more I was losing myself into dark thoughts, that kept me a prisoner of in my own mind.
7. The more I lost, the more I desired to earn more money. (wasn't in any kind of financial situation problem)
8. The more I lost, the more I lost myself.
I slowly start to find myself again, to win me back. Today lots of thoughts regarding other things besides gambling came to my mind. Not usual for me. My mind was set on autopilot to think only of a way to recoup my loses for way too long. This whole year has been a pain, a massive pain of thoughts. I have gambled to the very last cent again, once more, never stopped, never wanted to stop. I knew I had a property I could sell for 45k, that kept me in the game. I always thought I will recoup my money and stop. This has been a doctrine for me.
Not any more, it is more real than ever for me, that those machines have eaten me alive, they will never pay back my money, my health, my friends. The more I play the more I will lose. Here where I live, I heard and do believe the d**n machines are rigged. This last time I have lost 20k out of those 45 on one single machine, it has not paid a single cent back. They will never pay, rigged or not .... it is more real than ever friends. The devil's masterpiece (aka Gambling) will always show us who is stronger! We can only win my turning our backs on them d**n pockies, roulettes, machines, and each and every one of the devil's artefacts!
Please let me know everyone if I am being way to nervous, I feel I am but posting helps me go through.
Stay strong friends!
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