I will no longer allow gambling to ruin my life….

I am starting this diary so that when the urges kick in and/ or things get hard I can come back and remember how bad things were.

My name is Emily but everyone calls me Em.

I’ve been gambling on and off for more than 35 years.

At around 5 years old my grandad would take me to the pub where I was mesmerised by the flashing lights of the one armed bandits.

He would sit me on his lap and feed the parasitic machine with coins and I would ‘push the button’. When we won and the machine emptied with lots of shiny coins, grandad would let me keep it all.

And so my problem began….

By the age of 19/20 I was a regular in my local slot shop, I used to enjoy playing the 10p machines until they introduced the fatal £250 jackpot machines. Everything went down hill from here. The amount of money I lost on those machines was eye watering.

I literally had no life and this went on for 4/5 years. I would be in there with creepers either sitting or standing behind me watching me lose until it closed at 10pm. Then I’d reserve whatever machine I was losing on and be back in there by 8am so nobody else could play it.

Cue maxing out credit cards, payday loans and every type of borrowing you can imagine.

Gamcare, and ‘self exclusion’ didn’t really exist back then (or certainly most casinos didn’t implement it). So I came up with a terrible idea to get myself permanently banned.

One day I walked into the only local slot shop in my area with a hammer and I put it right through a machine that I had lost £4000 that week on.

I was young and stupid and this was a terrible solution which I wouldn’t recommend to anyone but it had the desired effect and I was permanently banned from the shop. I was very lucky that they did not call the police and have me charged with criminal damage. Like I said, young and stupid.

I then had a complete break from gambling for 4/5 years until one day when I was 30, I got a call from a friend asking me for a ‘favour’. She had been playing a slot online and her internet had gone down. She wanted me to video call me and for me to login and play on her behalf because apparently it was ‘paying out’ - What a joke!

Anyway, I did what she asked and played for about an hour before withdrawing her winnings for her. My life as I knew it would end that day.

The very next day I created my own account and over the next 12 years, I was able to regularly gamble all through the night in the privacy of my own home. I started drinking whilst playing and then my deposits increased, my bet per spin increased, my time playing increased and my debt increased.

The amount of sleepless nights and days that I spent hating myself for how much I lost were endless. The craziest thing was, even when I won, I would literally sit there and keep playing until I lost it all only to deposit more.

I was on Gamcare years ago, I implemented every single tool available but like most gamblers, I can be very resourceful.

My partner put Gamban on my phone and laptop but I just easily uninstalled it.

I signed up to Gamstop but then I just created accounts in my partners name. When she found out she immediately signed up to Gamstop  so I could no longer do that but then I would just use another relatives details. I’ve previously handed all finances over to my mum but I just created PayPal accounts. 

I am a relentless idiot.

I have realised that unfortunately these tools just won’t work for me. I need to make a commitment and stick to it before I literally lose everything and am made bankrupt. I am lucky to have a supportive partner that has been so compassionate and kind and recently took out a loan to help with some of my more urgent debt.

How do I repay this act of kindness, I spent Friday night and most of Saturday gambling and losing a small fortune.

I can’t lose my partner and that’s exactly what will happen if I don’t sort myself out. No more excuses.

Everytime I used to come on here, I’d say I’ve hit rock bottom but that just wasn’t true because the next rock bottom was always worse than the previous. Things can always get worse.

No more despair, panicking that I can’t pay my bills. No more sleepless nights and self loathing. I haven’t eaten or slept in 2 days and I feel and look like death but today I’m taking responsibility for my actions and I vow that I will overcome this wretched addiction.

I’m reading as many diary’s as I can and subscribing so that I can gain inspiration from other people and maybe even help someone else on my recovery journey.

Today I attended the chat but I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Even breathing feels difficult right now.

Today is Day 1 and it’s going to be my LAST